To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

Indeed. We don’t know what more is going on here but it seems from what the op is saying that she gave up better paid work because she didn’t enjoy it and does something she enjoys (but for which she gets paid a pittance). Now that would be fair enough if both her and her dh were happy with the situation but they’re not, quite the opposite.

If they split up (and it seems there are other issues too) op would end up far worse off. She needs to up her earnings now or be prepared for serious poverty. He doesn’t earn a huge amount and would be unlikely to be forced to pay spousal support and would be assessed on about 500 a month for two kids on that salary. She will have to buy him out of the house and look after herself. It will not be easy and she needs to wise up.

Was talking to DH earlier about this (he is part time and earns half of what I get in the same sphere), and we both agreed that it's not the disparity in income / household duties / paid working hours etc that is at the nub of the problem, it's the seeming unwillingness of either party to understand the position of the other and for both to be able to talk reasonably, unemotionally and with a willingness to compromise to explore possible solutions. When you add in the disparity in views on what is important and what is not, you don't get the impression of a happy partnership with both partners working together towards a common goal and valuing each other's contribution.

I'd like a much bigger kitchen, but I'm not going to demand that DH go back fulltime so that we can have that now rather than later. Equally, he's not going to demand that I stop spending money on clothes or lunches so that we can have the kitchen sooner. That's because the new kitchen is something that we both agree would be nice but not essential, and we have planned other ways to make sure that it happens at some point. If it was a deal breaker to one of us I like to think that we would work out together how to make it happen without one party bearing the heavier end of the load.

As others have said though, I do worry about OP's, and by extension their DCs, future financial security with all the knock on effects that that will have on eg mental health if OP and her husband can't find a better way to deal together

For those saying 58K is a decent/good salary it isn’t to me. I earn more than that and would struggle to support me and my DC if my DH and I separated.

Where do you live? Kensington?

When salaries start getting discussed on here it makes me laugh because it really does depend on where you live. To say someone can't have a GREAT LIFE on £58k is a load of rubbish.

Butchy - in London (anywhere really) you couldn’t support a family on that alone. Or at least it would really be a struggle. Housing costs would take the vast majority of it after tax for a start.

Panicked by a frothing muppet on the internet who has no comprehension of understatement?

I know exactly what understatement means as we have already established. You minimised, not that you would admit it, and perhaps you genuinely don’t understand the difference.

Your attempts to call me out as some sort of rape apologist because you don’t seem to understand anything more nuanced than shouting CUNT CUNT CUNT when describing someone are your issue.

You appear to be conversing with someone in your head, and randomly squawking ‘cunt’.

Quit trying to merail the thread. It’s really distasteful, particularly on a thread of this nature.

You mean don’t divert the stream the vitriol, bullying and bollocks.

Suggest the OP needs to find out what is making DH unhappy. Example he may be comparing his life to his work colleagues or friends. I know people due to their varying circumstances who have paid their mortgages off early and have holiday homes in other countries or others who have BTLs. On paper I would say that it looks like your family has a good life with 58k, 2 children, I assume a holiday and some hobbies. However, there is obviously something that is worrying him, perhaps the future, perhaps retirement...

We don’t know where OP lives with all this guessing about finances, it could be London or it could be a town where housing is cheap and jobs are sparse.

So we have no idea how far this £58k has to go or what job opportunities there are

Butchy - in London (anywhere really) you couldn’t support a family on that alone. Or at least it would really be a struggle. Housing costs would take the vast majority of it after tax for a start.

Yet there are many people that have to!

Butchy - in London (anywhere really) you couldn’t support a family on that alone.

But plenty do support a family on that figure, - and far less - albeit not necessarily in London (which is why I asked). I can imagine it would be a stretch in London or the SE.

So many woman hating women. And the irony is that probably everyone of them has been brainwashed to believe that they are equal only because of their pay cheque. But they believe in equality.

What I also find so amazing is that the most sniping comments and repeat postings come from these so called equality of social value junkies who claim to work. Where do you find the time or motivation to attack other women?

Mitzmaybe makes a very good suggestion.

As for 58k being a pittance, it's more than many families have to survive. There are women working minimum wage in crap jobs, jobs they hate, in roles that were traditionally seen as woman's work. Women's work whether it be paid or unpaid is seen as having little value...... because women under capitalism are over exploited for paid and unpaid labour at a rate greater than male exploitation. For all you equality junkies flouncing about claiming to earn equal to your husband, or more or suggest getting a cleaner, might I ask who does the undervalued women's work of cleaning your cleaners home? Can she afford to outsource her childcare and domestic labour? What do you have to say to her? Because for every women who has successfully made a well paying career there are twice as many who scrape by being exploited through unpaid labour at home, paid labour at work, and often their labour benefits other women.

And for those with half a brain I'll say this, no women or woman will have equality with all men (even if they have economic equality with their man and some men) until all women have equality with all women. And it might help if we stop attacking each other.

I do think OP would've had a different response had people been aware he's sexually abusive, and in fairness some people only really read the highlighted OP posts so might have missed the back story.

Do you really need to know someone’s partner is sexually coercive in order to treat them with respect?

Given the info was posted pages back and it made no difference to the stream of bile, I suspect not.

Many posters haven’t even read the OP properly let alone subsequent posts.

Op, your dh is unhappy. That means you have a problem. Personally I think you have been on a pretty good gig and now it’s time that you step up to contribute more. I think it’s selfish not to.

TheMythicalChicken Thu 23-Aug-18 05:07:29

"It's completely reasonable for your DS to ask for a fancy phone for Christmas. He's 14. Probably most of his friends have fancy phones. The fact that you don't have enough money to save for it over the next 4 months means that you do not have enough money coming in"

Oh i thought we were all about the work ethic on this thread so why cant this 14 year old get a weekend job to pay for it which would certainly be the advice to a youngster from a poorer family.

"probably most of his friends have fancy phones"

MythicalChicken No wonder you are berating the OP Similarly to her DH you are all about keeping up with the Joneses.

What I also find so amazing is that the most sniping comments and repeat postings come from these so called equality of social value junkies who claim to work. Where do you find the time or motivation to attack other women?

Quite. It appears that some people are more equal than others. SAHM or women on low wages are apparently less equal.

So many woman hating women
Standard reply to a thread where 'women have an opinion on something another woman does that isn't yey hun you are awesome'.

Partner A - breadwinner stressed about money. Feels frustrated that they are pulling in a good salary but don't get to have some of the perks of a higher salary e.g. nice holidays
Partner B - works 20 hours a week doing essentially a hobby job for £8000 a year (which is probably below minimum wage off the top of my head).
Partner B is happy with the current set up and thinks partner A should get over it because B has simple tastes and doesn't mind the current set up.
Partner B claims that partner A wanting B to bring in a bit more money would mean Partner B subsidising As lifestyle.

People say that Partner B is out of order as they are not being told to work full time but they are being asked to look for a non hobby job that will make the household finances a bit healthier.

Not woman hating at all. It's people suggesting that when two adults are in a partnership, there has to be some give an take & a person opting not to do a bit more to help the partnership is going to cause resentment.

"Your children should be getting independent now."

Exactly so the elder one can get a part time job and put the money towards the phone he wants.

disclosingshite Thu 23-Aug-18 07:27:17

"Sarah, stalking the OP and c & p your findings is really fucking creepy. Please stop"

Awww has having more knowledge about the OPs DH spoiled the smug fest.

"probably most of his friends have fancy phones"

MythicalChicken No wonder you are berating the OP Similarly to her DH you are all about keeping up with the Joneses.

To be fair to Mythical Chicken - I can’t think of any of my DSD friends who dont have a iPhone. My DSD has an iPhone X and she is younger than the OPs son.

"Suggest the OP needs to find out what is making DH unhappy"

Well what seems to make him unhappy is not being able to keep up with the Joneses and his wife not opening her legs enough for his liking.

There aren't many employers who would take on a 14 year old though he could get a paper round, perhaps

Smug fest, it is indeed

What is this - competitive DCs iPhones

Great post Mini.

Neither of my son's have iPhones. I don't have one either. But I bet my last dollar I have stuff others can't have because they can't afford it. So having iPhone is no real marker of one's economic status. I've seen kids come into care with iPhones.