To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

I am surprised that the OP has been getting such a hard time here. It seems rather counter to the usual run of Mumsnet reactions, especially as the DH's behaviour has been - if understandably - a bit off. If she's a 'freeloader', what does that make all the people who cheerfully admit that their financial contribution to the household is zero?

It doesn't sound as if they are badly off. Is he comparing their situation with that of friends who have two cars, can afford to go abroad a lot, etc.? But it is understandable to worry about money when you are the main provider to that extent.

However, I think a lot of people who work in decent jobs in industry, or even in the under-funded public sector, just don't get how crappy wages can be - even for graduates - in the Arts/vol-com sector. Because there's no statutory funding it can often depend on grants, etc., and work can be on short-term contracts with no prospect of 'promotion' or a 'raise' or anything like that. £8K for 20 hours sounds a bit low, but not astonishingly so for anyone who's had experience of working in museums, charities, arts projects, etc.

Other than that, nothing to add apart from what the people above have said about sitting down and talking through priorities, and so on.

@Queenofthestress ......very snidey remark about arts degrees being useless....especially to someone who presumably did there's 20 odd years back. You are about as practically helpful as a chocolate teapot!

If my husband woke me up at 3am freaking out I don’t think I’d be angry, I’d be worried something was very wrong and try to listen to him.
This.
£8000 for 20 hours isn't much at all. Is it even mininum wage?

He isn't saying she has to go full time. He is saying money is a worry and he's stressed about being the breadwinner.
If the OP is essentially doing a hobby job for £8,000 a year, could make more still working part time and is opting not to because she wants to keep her interest job then she is being unreasonable.

Oh dear OP. Regardless of who's right and who's wrong, your insistence to not contribute more has fucked this marriage.

Pretty soon, they'll be no more big house and fannying about. And he won't have to pay you much once the kids are a bit older.

Seriously, you need to get a job. It's clear that you don't love each other anymore.

Not that I'd use the word freeloader, especially not for someone who both works and does literally everything else, but SAHPs of secondary children often get told to get a job or similar on here. Not uncommon. SN/health issues make it a bit more of a mixed bag than here usually though.

I'm guessing it's a term time contract - like a TA job. If so, 8k sounds about right

I think Op needs to get a more FT or better paid job so she is ready to leave her H (or is prepared for him to leave her to go off with someone from work).

It sounds like a pretty miserable marriage all round, and given that spousal maintenance is incredibly rare now and child maintenance only lasts while the children are in education, the op may find that she needs to be able to support herself and the children. She'd get a better share of any equity in the house but wouldn't be able to pay a mortgage herself on her current earnings.

Anyway, this is why I cringe when I see so many women taking a step back from work to go PT or SAHM when they have children. Children aren't little for ever. Marriages don't always last the course. Its super hard to get back into the workplace and you end up with no pension and no security.

It would be better if couples earn't the same, if both took a small step back for a short period and both took on an equal role at home.

I think a lot of PP are underestimating the value of working p/t and running a home almost single handedly.
What is this expectation all about that as soon as the kids start school the SAH/part time parent (usually the woman) should go straight into a highly paid full time job AND continue to everything she did before at home?
In this scenario something will have to give....no way round that unless the extra money earned is spent on a cleaner, child minder for after school, gardener etc. which rather defeats the object of earning more money.
When I was a child (with two siblings) my Mum stayed at home and did everything (except gardening) and my Dad was the breadwinner. They were both happy with this arrangement and each had great respect for the other’s contribution to the family.. They lived within their means but did not have a lavish lifestyle as is so often craved for nowadays.
I think the OP is absolutely right in thinking that her DH is being unreasonable and he is obviously hankering after a more lavish lifestyle ( e.g better car, more holidays etc) which is not always compatible with family life. He has an expensive hobby by all accounts so why is he so unhappy with their lifestyle?

OP's h works in a sector he chose and therefore presumably likes. It's not unreasonable for her to do the same. She works 20 hours. If you then add on the fact that she does everything at home, she probably is working as many hours.
I wonder how much money his hobby costs the family pot? If hers is a 'hobby job', at least it's bringing in money rather than costing it!

The H may have his eye on someone at work who earns the same as him and be starting to think about what his life would look like with 2X his income, even after CMS payments...

It’s not that they are struggling on 58k.
It’s that he is struggling earning 50k of that while she’s happy earning 8k

Well, she’s only happy earning 8k because her husband is earning 50k. I doubt she’d be quite so thrilled or “low maintenance” if the 8k was her only source of income.

In many respects, the husband sounds far from great but the thread title is one of the most comically misleading I’ve seen on this site yet.

Oh dear OP. Regardless of who's right and who's wrong, your insistence to not contribute more has fucked this marriage.

Apart from all the unpaid work she's done in the house that has enabled husband to go out to work every day and not have to pay for a cook, cleaner or nanny. I think it's him that's fucked this marriage, not her.

No wonder OP chose to hide this thread.

Has OP got a big house, it says 4 bed but if they bought it 20 years ago, the mortgage wouldn't be much and nearly paid off, half would be hers anyway, spouses are also entitled to a good proportion of the pension. He will also have to share looking after the DC.

For whatever reason good or bad, women usually do better out of a divorce, they generally keep the house if there are DC and are entitled to the pension nowadays

Goat, what's fucked this marriage is the shitty way he regards his wife!

Just as an aside, the Op could get him into running. It could be something they both do and they could share their thoughts and goals.

It is cheap. Might have to fund a fitness tracker but they are comparatively inexpensive. It is good for mental health. He will have less time for the expensive stuff and get his kicks out of challenging his own body rather than expensive cars and holidays. If he goes the whole hog he won't want nutritionally unsound bought lunches.

It doesn't matter if the OP or anyone else thinks the DH is being unreasonable. The fact of the matter is he doesn't want to do it anymore.

Op needs to make a plan for her future.

Is the OP a TA? The wages sound about right. TA is a good job that fits well around children, is challenging and rewarding just not very well paid. Lots of TA's are ex teachers.

Share looking after the DC = every other weekend at best with the H, and that's assuming the children want to see him at all - both are now old enough that they could choose not to.

That would be his loss, but he could start again, albeit 20 years later, with new partner, new house, new DCs and leave the OP really struggling.

OP is probably in a defensive mode reading all the criticism and advices, and it's only natural. It might be hard to take in at the moment as it's a lot to process but she might get her head around eventually?

The only thing to get one’s head round on this thread is the bullying, bitchiness, bitterness and malice.

Yes he could. So whilst some people are being supportive, it's not really helpful if the marriage is over.

I imagine OP would be even more low maintenance if surviving only on 8k actually...

For whatever reason good or bad, women usually do better out of a divorce, they generally keep the house if there are DC and are entitled to the pension nowadays

Massively sweeping statement. Keeping the house is only possible if you are able to take on the payments. There is no entitlement to the ex’s pension. Rather, the value of the pension is taken into account in the overall ‘pot’ of assets the separated couple have. This may result In A pension sharing order. But it is not guaranteed.

I move in divorced circles and have done for 10 years. I have yet to come across a woman who is better off after divorce.

what's fucked this marriage is the shitty way he regards his wife!

Quite. It’s interesting that posters blythely ignore the sexual coercion and control which give an insight into what’s going on in the background of this relationship, in favour of their own anger about someone working less hours than they do.

Ringobells you’re way off in your assessment of what the OP would get if they divorced. She might get to remain in the house until youngest child is 18 but no way would she just get the house!

And you only have to look at the pitiful statistics about women in retirement and the frightening percentage who don’t have adequate finances

Tbh with her very small earnings, even if the OP manages to get the marriage back on track and harmonious, she’s going to be fucked if her dh dies before her as she’ll only get the spouse proportion of his pension. Sounds like she’s got precious little of her own.