To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

Oh dear OP. Regardless of who's right and who's wrong, your insistence to not contribute more has fucked this marriage.

Or you could actually read all the OP's posts instead of nullifying her contribution.

Is the OP a TA? The wages sound about right

She said library assistant before. Sounds lovely.

it's not really helpful if the marriage is over.

Some men just need a reality check if their ego has been overly fed for a number of years. In short they need to grow up. Sitting down and talking may be enough. Demonstrating budgeting is perfectly possible, need not be onerous, totally doable and in fact a necessity, may be enough. I am always surprised on the BBC programmes which involve sitting down and budgeting with families how much money some people effectively throw away.

Quite. It’s interesting that posters blythely ignore the sexual coercion and control which give an insight into what’s going on in the background of this relationship, in favour of their own anger about someone working less hours than they do.

^This

He's got a problem if he's stressed about money on a joint income of £58k a year.

Also this...

“ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”.

...would really tempt me to tell him to fuck off and marry someone else in his industry.

Quite. It’s interesting that posters blythely ignore the sexual coercion and control which give an insight into what’s going on in the background of this relationship

Oh, I don’t think he’s a catch - far from it. Even more reason for the OP not to leave herself in a vulnerable position financially, imo.

MissBartlettsconscience

I think if DH chose to start again with new partner, new house, new DC (as well as paying for existing DC) HE would be the one struggling. Unless he chose his new partner very carefully..obviously making sure she didn’t want to SAH with the new DC and ensuring that she was a high earner. Might take him a while to actually find the perfect partner who fits the bill.

But he is earning tuppence himself. He is as much to blame for your lack of means as you are. By the sounds of it you have little capacity to earn money, he must have known this when he married you, even if you managed to find a job for say £20k that's not enough for the things he wants. If he wanted that kind of lifestyle he should have either worked harder or married someone for money.

Agree with butchy. I don’t think any of us have said he’s a great bet! He’s said some cruel things about wishing he was married to someone else, and he doesn’t put his pants in the laundry basket either!

But the OP married him, has two children with him ... he is not happy with the balance of things as they are, so she either needs to listen and they need to renegotiate roles. Or she can carry on in an unhappy situation until something reaches tipping point.

The one thing that’s pretty damn obvious is that if they do split up, she’s going to be fucked massively more than he is. He’s still earning decent money. She could be left on a very frugal lifestyle once the children are adults ...

He's not stressed about money, OP manages the finances and he can't even be arsed to check the bank account so he has no idea where the money goes. He's stamping his foot because he can't have all the toys he wants.

If all the money she earnt by getting one of these mythical well paid jobs from the well paid job money tree was spent on new toys for him, what's in it for her? Nothing at all except less time to do everything needed to run a household.

Not really, pantry.

The children are 14 and 12 at the moment. CMS goes until 16 if they leave school or 20 if they're in full time education.

Spousal maintenance is becoming very very rare indeed.

He'd be keeping his £50k all to himself after a very few years and would probably be much much clearer next time about his expectations (or just wouldn't get married again).

Well I have worked part time for years but have managed to have a very good final salary pension which I now take at 60 so not all part time workers have poor pensions, I also have other pension plans which I'm not taking yet. We know nothing of the OPs finances, what her pension arrangements are or even if they have a mortgage, but from what she has said she would be better off without her DH as he sounds such an arse.

Seriously, you need to get a job

Read the thread. She already has a job.

Could you do a kind of financial fasting? What I mean is, have a week or even longer, where the whole family lives on a set amount each day. Set it low, lower than you think you can cope with and stick with it. For actual spending money (so even if you ignore household and travel expenses), I'd say £10 per day each, no more. It will still be more than many others have and may make all of you appreciate just how much you actually do have and stop wasting so much money out of what is a pretty high income. I think unless you've ever been on very low money it's impossible to see how well off your household is. Not blaming you, just saying it may be a good exercise in standing back and seeing the wood for the trees. Then maybe he wouldn't give stuff about the fancy holidays and cars and your kids would appreciate they can't have everything they want all the time.

Oh, I don’t think he’s a catch - far from it

Sexual bullying to the point of developing vaginismus = ‘not a catch’.

Riight.

Another post ascribing zero value to the work of raising a family/running a home.

I don't ascribe zero value to the importance of those things. However the value the OP contributes via these tasks diminishes as the kids grow older and are in school 6hours a day.

More importantly, the OP couched this thread in monetary terms from the outset, by the suggestion that she'd be funding her partners lifestyle, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he's been doing that for her for years.

I think her H sounds an abusive nob and she should leave.

However, as she will be totally financially fucked if she does so, its worth trying to find better paid work in advance while he still pays the bills and mortgage.

Some couples both work full time and manage the house.

I think it's great that you had a part time low earning job while the children were younger but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to work a bit more now.

This has been a horrible thread. So much abuse to OP, when in similar situations SAHMs have had so much support, a lot of credit attached to the contribution of running a home and looking after children, whatever their age. It's not that easy to just take on a new career, like others have said teaching is a vocation not something you can just pick up and do. Maybe she loves the Arts and this was part of her identity before marriage and children? It doesn't sound like they have serious money troubles that would justify her having to do any job to bring in extra cash, it is clearly not that type of situation. She is on antidepressants and reading between the lines the relationship is not great, so maybe the issue is more about lack of communication and resentment, not the fact they have dire financial woes. I just don't get the abuse. Pages and pages of it. Very odd. And researching her previous threads for more info to support this is just plain weird, far too invested!

I hope you're ok OP, for what it's worth I think your OH was unreasonable to bring it up as he did in front of your kids and to suggest he regrets his choice in you purely for financial reasons. That is hurtful and unkind, anyone can see that. However he is not being unreasonable to wish you had more family income, but the approach should be to analyse both your careers, earning potential, options, weighed against savings you can make and how changes would impact on your children, household running etc, and then make a joint decision. That is what people in good relationships do. It sounds like yours has underlying problems and this is just a symptom of that rather than the cause. I hope you get things sorted between you.

Also I think your title is misleading. It's your DH husband who is working full time to find your part time lifestyle

he is not happy with the balance of things as they are, so she either needs to listen and they need to renegotiate roles.

Except that the OP stated clearly that he will not take on 50% of the running of the house. Any more than he will negotiate about sex. He clearly gets what he wants whether she likes it or not.

So your and most of the posts on this thread are just fantasy.

Ring the bells- this is about the OP not you on your good part time final salary pension. A pension for an 8k part time job doing craft mornings in libraries (one of the things she mentioned) is not going to have a great pension! The Op also mentioned her lack of pension upthread. And whether they have a mortgage or not, if they split up, she’d either have to buy him out of his share of the family house (difficult on 8k) or move out and set up alone (also difficult on 8k. You’re hardly even mortgageable at that rate)

This isn’t about all the rest of us who are sitting pretty on final salary pensions. This is about the OP who is in an unhappy marriage, in an extremely vulnerable position and needs to sort this out. If she LTB (which more and more posters are now telling her to do) she’ll be even more in need of stepping up her earning.

She may or may not be better off financially if they divorce - depends on how the court sees her contribution. She will certainly be better off emotionally.
She might actually find that she lives quite well by upping her hours a bit and not having to take into account what he is spending on himself from the family pot.

He is delusional if he thinks he will be swimming in cash if he gets a new equal earner wife. He will probably have to pay some spousal support and child support (including for university) and a chunk of his pension. New wife might well take a view that his kids and hobbies are not her responsibility to support and want full splitting of bills and separate cash. She is unlikely to do all the domestic stuff for him. If they have a baby, he'll cop half the nursery fees etc.
I think most couples consider divorce to be financially detrimental to them both!

This has been a horrible thread. So much abuse to OP, when in similar situations SAHMs have had so much support, a lot of credit attached to the contribution of running a home and looking after children, whatever their age.

I think the critical responses in this case have to do with how the OP presented the thread title.

God I hope the op has hidden this thread now. It gets worse. There is a real person on the end of this. Piling in and ripping her apart from behind a keyboard is vile no matter if you disagree with her work ethic. The projecting on this thread is rife.