To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

Exactly curlyhairedassassin.

It seems very easy when you’re in a marriage with very differing roles, to slip into taking the other person’s role for granted. I would absolutely hate the pressure of having to carry the financial burden almost entirely by myself, which is what the OPs dh is doing.

Of course sahp 'get it' - there are very few people who have never had a job or paid bills.
No one says her h's life is without stress, but he has an easier life than someone who works ft and has to do 50% of the house and child stuff.

I would absolutely hate the pressure of having to carry the financial burden almost entirely by myself, which is what the OPs dh is doing.

No, he is not. He is being entirely irresponsible with his spending. He seems to think he shouldn't have to budget just because he has a professional occupation.

The Op wants to be able to budget with him. She has taken the lions share of responsibility for looking after their children and house. Not insubstantial when SNs are added into the mix. She has bailed him out when he made a bad investment. Her own mother has provided childcare free of charge.

He is behaving like a spoilt child.

I don't think anyone's low maintenance enough to feed, cloth and shelter themselves plus cover half the costs of 5 (is that right?) DC for 8k.

Another post ascribing zero value to the work of raising a family/running a home. The OP has been supporting her DH's lifestyle for 20 yrs (he never lifted a finger in the house before DC remember?). Tigers don't change their stripes.

But what they can realistically do is sit down and draw up a plan

I agree planning is good. However the OP described how she had proposed plans which would bring in more money and her DH vetoed them because he wouldn't tolerate a temporary drop in her income whilst she built up the new job.

I think its in the interest of the OP to ignore him and pursue her ideas for a better income though because he sounds like a total wankpuffin/spoiled child and I suspect sooner or later she will realise she may be better off without him and his expensive hobbies.

‘ he has an easier life than someone who works ft and has to do 50% of the house and child stuff.’

Yes. But he’s not happy and would prefer a more equal balance. If he expects them both to work equal hours, in equally demanding roles and for his wife still to do more of the house and child stuff- that’s unreasonable. But to expect a better balance of work and home stuff - that’s entirely reasonable.

Dh and I both work full time and split the home stuff pretty equally. I think that’s a much better option (and a darn sight easier) than if dh told me he wanted to cut down his working hours and do a much lower pressure low paid job ‘but it’s ok because I’ll do all the housework to make up for it.’ He’d be jetting much the easier deal in that scenario and leaving me with the worry of having to fund it!

getting

I don't think he should have bought this up in front of your children, but as someone who is the main bread winner it is bloody hard having all the financial pressure on you.

but as someone who is the main bread winner it is bloody hard having all the financial pressure on you.

I've always been the main breadwinner. A role which is made immeasurably easier when you have no responsibilities at home/for the DC

OP I skimmed through only the first 100 messages, couldn't go on because my BP was rising with everyone saying how unreasonable you were. So I hope that you have had more positive responses since.

I don't think YABU, but it seems that many think if you're a SAHM you're 'piggybacking' off his salary, or being a SAHM is only good enough for those of us without degrees, or that being a SAHM is of no value whatsoever. This is feminism? What a load of old shit.

But the OP's husband married a university grad with a fine arts degree trained as a teacher. There is no earthly reason she can't make £35K, apart from the fact that she does not want to.

Maybe she could have made £35k at one point. But doing a fine arts degree 20+ years ago doesn't mean she's going to be able to get a well paid job now. I know plenty of people with degrees in the arts who have really struggled to get regular, decently paid work despite grafting away in the industry for years. If OP has spent the last decade in low paid, part time jobs/or on maternity leave she won't have the experience or connections to walk into a £35k professional role.
People keep saying "go back to teaching" but they're missing the point. OP has a teaching qualification but has never actually taught. There has been so much change in education in the last 10 years, much of what OP learned will now be obsolete. She has also been open about the fact that teaching was not for her. I wouldn't advise anyone, let alone someone who is already on medication for their mental health, to embark on a teaching career purely to please someone else. It's a vocation and an incredibly stressful one at that. Many passionate, highly driven and experienced Teaching staff are buckling under the pressure and desperate to get out and they are people who actually wanted to teach!

I don't think he should have bought this up in front of your children, but as someone who is the main bread winner it is bloody hard having all the financial pressure on you

It's bloody hard to have all the responsibility of caring for several children especially with SNs added into the mix. Op has to advocate for her child singlehandedly.

Her DH wants less responsibility. However, if she were to work full time he wouldn't have less responsibility because he'd have to share the responsibility of caring for and advocating for their children with her. He wants to not to have to budget but he still would have to. His financial aspirations would most likely increase if they were truly a dual professional income family.

If one reads some of OPs posts on previous threads that have been quoted, I'd say a pretty good guess can be had at how he's likely to behave if she goes back to work FT. Someone who can't even put a bin out when asked or find a dirty laundry basket ain't going 50/50 all of a sudden. Someone who pretty much berated his wife into vaginismus because he thinks he's entitled to sex whenever he wants it doesn't have much of a record of adapting his behaviour to better reflect his wife's needs.

Frankly he sounds awful. I'd want to work more just to reduce my reliance on him.

Oh fgs this stop extrapolating from this that Everyone is saying being a SAHM is worthless

The OP has two older kids in school. Her dh is saying that after years of her being a SAHM (when kids were small and that would indeed have been a full on role) and then with her working part time in a low stress role, he just wants her to step up now! Which is entirely reasonable. If her PGCE was 20 years ago, she’s had two decades of not having to seriously take on earning responsibility. That doesn’t denigrate the time she spent looking after young children. This situation has gone on way beyond that.

And YY we all totally get that being the one having more of the earning load is easier if you don’t have to do housework as well. But many of us would prefer to not carry the financial burden even though it means sharing domestic stuff more wholly.

Like I said: given the choice of dh and I a) both working full time and sharing domestic tasks or b) me working full time and having to earn over 80% of our household income while dh works part time earning less than 20% but saying ‘don’t worry I’ll do all the household stuff to make up for it’ .... scenario a) every time!

Minge he sounds dreadful tbh. I wonder why OP has put up with that all these years?

No idea. There seems lots more to this than the initial post though.

OP should be upping her wage for herself really. If her DH decides to leave she would miraculously get a full time job as 8k and a bit of CM isn't going to cut it for 3 people.
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I think OP is being stubborn and is not thinking of herself and her future. This marriage definitely has no future. Your husband might just stick around until the kids are 18 and off he goes to enjoy his 50k by himself! (that's in 6yrs time btw )

And YY we all totally get that being the one having more of the earning load is easier if you don’t have to do housework as well. But many of us would prefer to not carry the financial burden even though it means sharing domestic stuff more wholly.

This is also an extrapolation. There is no indication the DH is prepared to share the domestic stuff. In fact the OP says quite the opposite. Added to this the children may be just a secondary school age but they also have had some SNs which the Op has had to manage and negotiate the system to ensure their needs are met.

I think some posters are simply using this thread to vindicate their own choices rather than making any meaningful comment upon the situation the op finds herself in.

Oh fgs this stop extrapolating from this that Everyone is saying being a SAHM is worthless. The OP has two older kids in school

I didn't say 'everyone', I said many. And I don't think there's anything wrong with mums not wanting to go back to work when their kids are in school if they don't want to. If they do, that's fine. But many seem to be saying that the minute a child gets to school, you have to go back to work full time. And I don't agree with that. It sounds like all the work OP does at home easily doubles her part time salary, but she's not getting paid for the work she does at home, and her husband doesn't seem to be taking account of it either. Which does make her contribution to the house and kids worthless in his eyes.

Give him a chance then. He may jump at doing the laundry or loading the dishwasher in exchange for not being responsible for earning over 80% of the household income.

Honestly, this is getting a bit tedious. The OP can either carry on as they are, burying her head in the sand and ignoring the fact her dh isn’t happy. Or she can take a more adult approach and say ‘ok, what are we going to do about this? Clearly I need to earn more and you need to do more around the home.’ Open the conversation OP!

DH loves his higher paid job and is very happy that I chose to work in less demanding part time jobs as it means he has been able to do what he wants workwise, work late, to go away on business and not worry about stuff and childcare. He wouldn't have been able do this if I had a similar job to him.

He has never said that he was carrying the financial burden but then we have always lived within our means and had savings to fall back on. When we got our mortgage we didn't include my pay as I may have chose to be a SAHM at some future date and didn't want to overstretch.

I could guess that OP hasn’t left him for financial reasons

Hi OP - I haven't read all the posts, but I'm surprised at the neg reaction towards your situation. My view is that the household, so that is both you and your DH need to earn more money. But this money will be needed to help pay maintenance for the DC's at uni and any pension provision. New cars - waste of money .....the depreciation in Yr 1 would be more than you currently earn. Just buy second hand. Holidays - spare cash only.
Here's some ideas that may or may not work:-

• Your house - could you take an overseas student or lodger? Could you rent your drive for parking if you're near a station.
• Mortgage - could you borrow additional money and buy a furnished holiday let - we do, make £10k net per annum.?
• Job - could you work for an estate agent doing viewings?
• could you offer any kind of at home tutoring?
• costs - could you get lower utilities tariffs and a lower mortgage rate?

Could you shop for food at cheaper places? Just ideas. Your DH Would need to step up on the household chores. In your position I'd feel very wounded by his comments and the underlying sentiment of unkindness .....if I'd married someone else etc, that's horrid. However I feel your only way out is definitely to try and increase the family income first off. Hope this helps 💐

. The OP can either carry on as they are, burying her head in the sand and ignoring the fact her dh isn’t happy. Or she can take a more adult approach and say ‘ok, what are we going to do about this? Clearly I need to earn more and you need to do more around the home.’ Open the conversation OP!

The OP's husband is also burying his head in the sand by blaming her for the fact they have to budget. They will still have to budget if she works full time but he will also have to step up with regards to childcare and looking after the house.

Yes, they need to have a conversation but he really needs to acknowledge his ideal life of not having to budget, being able able to spend the lions share of his time away from work on his hobbies, having a physically available wife on tap is not really realistic with the majority of combined incomes in this country.

They could decide not to alter very much. Budget a bit, have a bit less spontaneous spending from him and perhaps save for the things he would really like to have....

The presence that this nasty individual might suddenly step it up domestically if just given a chance is too far fetched to be taken at all seriously. Again, he berated his wife into vaginismus because of his sense of sexual entitlement. He isn't being prevented from putting his own pants in the laundry basket instead of next to it now. The idea that we can't possibly call how he'd respond to OP being FT, especially when she'd still earn less than him, beggars credibility.

Well, it could be said he's working f/t to fund your lifestyle choices. So.........