To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

Why is it people do not bother to read the full thread or take in the facts before posting "advice"

I doubt the DH is at breaking point or cracking under pressure - he's just pissed off he can't sit around in his pjs all day and play Xbox without being told to put the washing out - he's the one that needs to grow up not the DW

I expect he was fully in agreement that his DW stayed at home and did all the domestic drudgery enabling him to pursue his career and his expensive hobby - but somehow he's not where he thought he would be - he's missing out on new cars and foreign holidays and now it's DW fault rather than his own - maybe he's regretting taking the higher paid more stressful job or maybe he's just an ARSE - I expect the latter!

I haven’t read the whole thread so not sure if this has already been said but if I was the OP I would be thinking of a better paid career if possible but for me not dh sake as if it’s really not a happy marriage what will she do if he decides it’s over - she won’t have many years of child maintenance payments left and her current salary would not maintain her current lifestyle.

Given the fact that he does absolutely nothing around the house I think that it would be unfair for you to work full time as I doubt that he will do more around the house. Even if he does do more you will still be doing all "project managing" everything and constantly asking him to do stuff and you will probably feel that it will be easier to do it yourself.

Unfortunately though, I think that the only way to end this constant argument is to call his bluff and work full time. Write a list of everything that needs doing and ask him what he would like to do. If he doesn't do his fair share then employ a cleaner. My guess is that he will feel no better off but at least he won't be able to have a go at you about it. A friend of mine did this many years ago and it worked brilliantly.

The denigration of people in lower waged jobs on here is disgusting

This.
Plus the casual assumption that anyone can get a higher paid job or longer hours if only they could be arsed.
And the complete ignorance of the work a sahp does or the non-financial advantages to having a sahp.

greenberet - maybe they are like me. I start replying then trot of to do something else think I've only been gone a minute, then finish my post and then realise its been a bit longer than that and the thread has moved on loads.

The money may be less important than the perceived work ethic here. If OP worked hard in any job, her husband could well be less bothered, but she seems to be 'pottering' after dropping other jobs because she didn't like them - which she was able to do because of his earnings. t's the implied attitude behind that that I couldn't live with - the idea that my partner could potter on with me acting as their safety net. I have been a SAHP and worked FT (and in some v low-paid jobs), the first was way easier. Housework and mental load are not exactly crippling, however melodramatic people are here.

When my husband lost his job, he worked minimum wage on a building site. When my friend's partner walked out of his because he didn't like it, he sat about on her money. Work ethic.

OP and her DH need to have a proper talk about all this before their marriage is ruined.

Also pissing myself at the people here who assume all working parents have gardeners and cleaners. Seriously?! Most families I know have both parents working without either of those.

Also ignore all the posters going on about the "burden" of being the main wage earner. That is ridiculous. Most families are in that situation as are single people. He just looking for reasons to have a go at you.

@WhatInsect I didn't say that. I said £50k + £8k + child benefit would.

Outside of the SE there are very few jobs that pay much more than minimum wage unless you have specific professional training. I've been looking for two years - full time management jobs I'm experienced to do are paying £20k (expecting evenings and weekends no overtime too). I'm in a similar catch 22 situation, if I get a full time job I would at best earn £5-6k more after tax and I would still need to manage the household, manage grandparents care packages, manage disabled adult child's healthcare and education help (I do have a cleaner I admit). I'm fortunate to be paid over £15/ hour part time so I've stayed put but we have argued just the same.

OP. I don't think you should work FT as your DH is unlikely to pick up all the housework and wifework you do now.

I love how this is seen by some as an established fact. Conveniently, it’s an excuse to just keep the status quo.

As for the critical comments about ‘only valuing someone based on what their income is’ are missing the point. The OP is a degree educated woman and I am sure she knows deep down that she is probably selling herself well short of her earning potential. That does not mean she needs to go out and flog herself to death on some high stress 80 hour a week job, but equally you don’t go to uni only to settle for a minimum wage job.

Also, have we established what this super experience hobby is yet?

Really?? 58K is average surely. I earn more than that and I certainly couldn’t run a house with two children on that salary.

Lolol. What a buffoon.

Do you pay someone to do your thinking for you?

OP, I can't believe the hard time you're being given here. You're married to someone whose only contribution to your household is financial. He has an expensive hobby, has lost £30k which cost you an inheritance, he's so lazy he can't even manage to open his own letters and you're the villain of the piece? Gob well and truly smacked.

He's the one who wants new cars and foreign holidays, as well as his hobby, and you're the one who has to give up a job they love to pay for them? Yes, very fair. The title of the thread's very accurate.

If you were able to find the well paid job of which there's apparently a glut, you'd still end up doing all the housework and other stuff because leopards don't change their spots. I'd suggest to him that he starts pulling his weight then you might feel that working more is an option.

I'm sure if they got divorced, the dh would get back everything he paid for in the marriage as the op's unpaid contribution to family life would have no bearing at all... oh wait actually...

Mumsnet is a funny place sometimes. For all this saying it’s because he earns 50k and world hard that is what allows op to work part-time and earn £8k. It works both ways her part-time work means I am guessing that if the dc are sick the op takes the day off work to look after them. It’s her part-time work that means if he needs to work late there is someone at home with the dc. If the op was working full-time and on equal earnings that would mean they would both have to take an equal share in the days off, childcare drop offs etc. From what the op says I doubt very much that her dh would throw himself in to that. He seen the domestic tasks as her role before dc came along and she was on an equal footing with him then what on Earth makes you all think he will be different now.

Yes maybe the op could work more hours but before I did that and certainly before I went full-time I’d be asking he actually show his commitment to sharing the load not just paying lip service to it and saying he would when the time came. And I have been a lone parent to 3 dc and worked and had to do it all myself and actually it was far less stressful than living with a man that didn’t pull his weight.

Does no one else think he is massively cheeky using his mil for unpaid child care and then moaning about how little money his wife brings in? Any childcare that she has sorted out with her side of the family is part of her contribution, and I bet that's saved thousands over the years.

I have been a sah and woh parent - for me sah is way easier, but that's not true universally. Some people love their work, or it helps define how they see thrmselves and they would be driven batshit crazy sah. I defy anyone to think it's easy being a sahp to a child with mh issues - being the 'go to' parent for this is exhausting. Looking after a potentially suicidal child is way harder than any job, but her h doesn't 'get' this because he does nothing at home!

My child's friend took his own life recently - it's utterly heartbreaking. Doing everything in their power to prevent this from happening to their son should be their priority. I can't get my head around how her h can be thinking about cars and more foreign holidays at this point.

I think what people need to realise is how unfair the situation has become.

When the children were growing up, OP had full time jobs - a mixture of raising the kids/household/working part time. The OP's husband also had a full time job in what appears to be a stressful field.

But now, the OP no longer has full time jobs. The kids do not need that level of care. She is now effectively only working part time. Her husband is still working full time.

It's no longer even. They dont have savings and he is worrying. She needs to work more hours. She needs to pull her weight. Saying that she spent all those years raising the kids does not entitle her to know sit around doing nothing half the week, because he was also working full time during all of that but he isn't getting to now sit around doing nothing.

Mental load and running the house - we all need to do that. It is just simply not an excuse for not being able to work. And she can enforce that he must work around the house if she is out of the home at a job.

*now

If my dh earned £50k, he would be more than happy for me to earn £8k per year, it's a combined income of £58k per year which is perfectly manageable. This thread has been awful, there are lots of low paid workers and an assumption that everyone can suddenly get a higher paid job is unrealistic!

@LooksBetterWithAFilter

Then she made a rod for her own back. If he left all housework to her before they married and had kids... Then why marry him and have kids.

He showed her who he was, and she married him anyway. He might be a selfish, sexist pig... But she knew that going in and still chose it.

So it's her own fault? Nice, naomi. I expect we all made dodgy choices at some point in our lives.

I love how this is seen by some as an established fact. Conveniently, it’s an excuse to just keep the status quo.

It is pretty much an established fact if he didn't even do anything around the house even before they had the DC. If by some miracle he does start doing some housework you can bet that OP will still be managing everything i.e. taking on the mental load. Not only will he not have a clue regarding what needs doing but he also won't know how to do it.

I think the OP should look at increasing her earning potential as a matter of urgency (not nec working FT). For her own sake.

They both sound unhappy, resentful and unappreciative of each other and have conflicting ways of looking at their respective contributions. If husband decides he wants to leave the marriage then I don’t envy OP trying to eke out a living on £8k a year.

This thread has been awful, there are lots of low paid workers and an assumption that everyone can suddenly get a higher paid job is unrealistic!

I agree. OP is in a low paying job, because she like many other women has taken on the childcare (with the help of her own mother_ and mental load. This has no doubt enabled his career so that he is now a higher earner than he probably would have been. As a consequence of her sacrifice it would be hard for her to get a higher paying job (per hour) even if she does work full time. The thanks she gets for that is to be constantly berated by her DH.

This thread is full of highly paid women sneering at those in lower paid jobs, who think that anyone can just go out and get a highly paid job

This. I had no idea so many MN'ers have so much contempt for those of us who aren't high earners. If all the women in low paid jobs suddenly quit (to walk into £30k plus jobs, since that's so easy to do apparently) you would have no one to look after your preschoolers, clean your houses, do your ironing, supervise your DC in afterschool club etc. Do the women who provide these services for you know think so little of them?

I currently earn £16k a year (working 4 days a week term time only), a salary many of you would no doubt sneer at. Fortunately my DH has managed to maintain his respect for me, and for the job I do, despite it being low paid. He's proud of me for the difference I make to the lives of some very troubled and vulnerable children and thinks the reason for the disparity in our earnings is because "society has its priorities wrong", not because I'm a "freeloader". He appreciates the financial contribution I make to our family, even though it's nowhere near equal to his. In turn, I appreciate how hard he works for our family (and tell him so often) and I do whatever I can to support him in his work, which he knows he couldn't progress in as easily if I wasn't around as much as I am for DC's. If he was to turn around and berate me for not making enough money and imply he regrets not marrying someone with a better job in front of our children I would be absolutely crushed.

The problem here isn't that OP works PT (as so many MNers do, in fact many don't work at all and don't get this kind of hate!), it's a lack of mutual respect and gratitude. OP doesn't appreciate the pressure her DH is under as the breadwinner. He doesn't appreciate her contribution to the home and raising their DC, including a child with additional needs. OP's DH doesn't respect her because she's a low earner but she isn't motivated to strive to earn more because she feels so unappreciated for what she already does and can't rely on him to be supportive (in terms of childcare and domestic stuff) if she were to work more. I doubt this resentment, on either side, would disappear if she suddenly started working 40 hours a week.

If husband decides he wants to leave the marriage then I don’t envy OP trying to eke out a living on £8k a year.

She will probably have more time to work if they split up though as there probably won't be so much to do around the house with him not in it. Plus her children will be a bit older.