To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

I think you both have your own perspectives which are both equally valid - However if DH also wishes to work 20hrs per wk for 8k pa in a job he loves, will you be fully supportive? I think if finances are currently tight? (possibly redundancies on the horizon or burn out prompting DH to start stressing about it?). Both sit down work and what the bigger picture really is here perhaps?

In fairness you could probably earn more in a supermarket stacking shelves for 20hrs a wk than 'having a job you love for 8k'. Needs must on occasion and nobody is saying you have to work FT. But DH may not have the world's biggest job satisfaction either and may feel pretty pissed off that one of you gets the opportunity for years to work in an area that suits whilst the other has to suck it up. It's a two way street to be honest.

I'm with Helena on this having worked in the past in care posts and my last job not reaching anywhere neat the dizzying heights of the DH here. Do people actually only value their job for the income it brings in? I am grateful my DH can see beyond that however much better off we would be if we both worked in his field.

@midgesforever I've worked in the social care setting for years and I frankly love it even with the sub par payscale. However it still brings in way more than 8k a year. OP hasn't suggested she works in a care setting, and frankly her DH may wish to retrain as a care assistant on 16-18k a year for all we know but it's highly doubtful he'd be extended the opportunity to fuck off his 50k a year job to do so if they've a mortgage on a 4 bed house to maintain.

midgesforever I think it depends entirely on the set of circumstances. If you’re married to a hedge fund manager or what not—and with the blessing of all concerned—you feel that you have a calling as an artisan baker or hot yoga instructor, then that seems reasonable enough.

When one person earns 50k and feels that they’re mentally stretched—and financially, too, possibly because of accrued debts—then you have to work as a team in a different way.

My dh would be delighted if I felt the need to be a hot yoga teacher 😂. It is a fair point point that my last role must have paid double OP's but I do find the salary obsession reductive. Although in fairness if I needed to cover my own mortgage I would look for the best paying options but my career path would basically leave me screwed however valuable to society my choices have been.

@midgesforever But isn't that the whole point? If OP's and potentially your DH's salary didn't 'pick up the slack to cover the mortgage'. You'd both be proverbially screwed? I think it's brilliant to be able to work in a capacity you love. However it's not always financially feasible to do so. I'm not being goady just stating we all may love to do 'something' but we don't all have the luxury to do so.

To be honest OP if your DH is prepared to do 50% of the household tasks and find a job he loves for a combined income of 16k a year, then fair play. If you wouldn't be happy with that outcome. Then you may need to reconsider what you're prepared to do.

It's completely reasonable for your DS to ask for a fancy phone for Christmas. He's 14. Probably most of his friends have fancy phones. The fact that you don't have enough money to save for it over the next 4 months means that you do not have enough money coming in.

You need to get a full-time job. And share out the tidying up between all of you. And pay for a cleaner once a week to clean the bathroom, floors, etc.

DH and I have struggled with incompatible sex drives almost all our relationship, 20 plus years. As much as I love him and our wonderful DC, if I could go back I would not have stayed with him as this has overshadowed our whole relationship. I have always had a lower sex drive than him, but this became much more of an issue after having the DC. To cut an extremely long story short, my DH is much like yours in that his need for sex dictates his attitude towards me. Also, it depends on his perception of the quality of the sex we’ve had. E.g. day one, we have enjoyable sex. Day 2, he’s sweet and relaxed with me, nice to be around. Doesn’t usually mention having sex again that night. Day 3, may start asking about having sex that night, but can usually accept a no. Day 4 plus, starts becoming agitated and on edge, mentioning it more through the evening and getting annoyed if I don’t seem responsive enough to his advances. Any longer than this and the snide comments and cold shoulder start, usually culminating in an argument at some point. All of which makes me feel less like sex! Some years ago it got so bad I ended up with vaginismus, where I was unable to physically have sex due to the stress of worrying about it. Had to have many embrassing hospital visits before it eventually got better. Only advice I can really offer that partly worked for us is to suggest that although it sounds a bit mechanical, set ‘sex dates’ , maybe those days where you are not at work and know you will feel a bit more lively. If he has the security or knowing he’s going to get some on x night, it might relieve the constant build up, come down cycle he’s got into. I found this worked for me too as if I really didn’t feel like it, I could say, let’s look forward to Tuesday, or whatever day, and to some extent it alleviated his moods

Hmm puts a different light on the op’s marriage.

This is probably more about the sexual disparity than the financial one.

No wonder one of the dcs is anxious- this is not a happy home.

The vitriol on here is completely undeserved, OP. I don't think you should work FT as your DH is unlikely to pick up all the housework and wifework you do now. Instead, try and find a job that pays more for the same hours.

This thread baffles me

This thread is full of highly paid women sneering at those in lower paid jobs, who think that anyone can just go out and get a highly paid job and then go out and employ a cleaner and gardener.

This man feels short changed and not just financially. He definately isn't happy at all.

And MN yet again surpasses itself in the nastiness stakes.

www.thetimes.co.uk/magazine/the-sunday-times-magazine/why-working-mums-are-being-sold-an-impossible-dream-about-work-life-balance-and-how-to-set-the-record-straight-8tzw0j6vl

Today 05:06 FlyingMonkeys

To be honest OP if your DH is prepared to do 50% of the household tasks and find a job he loves for a combined income of 16k a year, then fair play. If you wouldn't be happy with that outcome. Then you may need to reconsider what you're prepared to do.

^ this ^

Really that’s it in a nutshell. He’s not happy, he’s stressed about money and and the OP is pottering along in a part time job because she doesn’t want the pressure of something more.

Having got into this situation, the OP isn’t going to walk into some wonderful full time job that she loves tomorrow- that’s obvious.

But this is one of those situations where it’s time for the OP and her dh to take stock, re group and make changes so that things are better for all Members of the family. The OP is in a better position than most, having her mum happy to do all the wraparound care.

People can bang on as much as they like about lower paid work being denigrated but that’s not really the point here. Personally I feel that many low paid roles are invaluable to society. But this is about a couple where there’s a massive disparity in their earning and also a massive disparity in their working hours. It’s not like the OP is working full time and still bringing in much less. She’s working part time and definitely not maximising the qualifications she has.

And ok at the moment she’s doing everything round the house (understandably because she’s got non working days and kids in school) but what that needs is a serious conversation about carving those responsibilies up in the same way that earning responsibilities need to be

Frankly if I were the dh, slogging away all week and stressed about money, I’d far rather start taking on my share of household stuff in return for that stress being alleviated by my partner stepping up. Stress over finances is horrible- a real killer, far more of a downer than taking on half of the cooking and household stuff

I had this problem in my relationship a few years ago. I took some time out of work to be with my DC. Then I retrained and contributed either nothing or very low pay (part time) whilst finishing the training. All in all I earned very little for about 8 years. DH appeared to support my decisions at the time but he got increasingly resentful, even though we didn't need any more income - we were very comfortably off. He earns 6 figures but it wasn't the amount of money, more the burden of being the only one earning any. I did all the parenting and house stuff. This is valuable but there comes a point when it isn't enough.
Now things are different. I took a full time job. We don't need the money from my job. But it shares the load a bit more and there is more balance. He still out-earns me by several multiples but I am doing the best I can in my new career. He does take a bit more responsibility now with things like laundry and childcare. He has to. He has no choice. And we pay for cleaning and childcare help.
So overall it is better. I am happy having a good job. I also now have more going into a pension and more financial security should we split up. It is tough working full time. We have 3 DC and have had a fair share of mental health and other problems to deal with and appointments to attend. It can be done.
So on the whole OP I think YABU and you need to listen to your DH. You are not slacking by any means working 20 hours per week. But there is no reason to be at home at all now your DC are in secondary school.

What a very very sad thread - Op please prioritise your own MH and that of your DC - someone upthread said this would be seen as emotional abuse if it were not for the financial element - well I can tell you that this is emotional abuse AND financial abuse and I had come to that conclusion before I saw the post on the sexual relationship _ I guess you are also posting on another thread - those comments confirm it.

Regardless of this the support should be the same whichever thread you are posting in.

The state of your marriage is to do with your DH attitude and his respect for you which frankly is fucking appalling - I expect your MH and that of your DC is a symtom of this. He doesn't see you as an "equal" because you do not earn as much as him - he doesn't see you as "team" player because he is resentful of you having an "easy" life sitting around on your arse allday. Basically he sees you as his mother and he is currently having a teenage strop because he cannot have " the life" he feels he is entitled to. He is never going to pick up any household or childcare responsibility because he doesn't see it as being his to deal with - even if your marriage fails he won't step up - believe me!

I would be very concerned about his comment - " if he had married someone else" _ his angry outburst at 3 in the morning may be to do with some guilt on his side - im not saying full on affair but he's currently thinking about his options and you are getting the runt of this.

Any decent human being would be concerned about his dc suicidal thoughts - this has to come over everything else - but he is incapable of this - all he's thinking about is himself! I expect he can't handle this!

I've been where you are Op - and ended up in a place I never imagined I would be dealing with the fallout of an affair and extremely acrimonious divorce - my XH dismissed my Ds googling of "how to kill yourself" at school as a schoolboy prank -sums up his ability to take on the "mental load"

Your DH needs pulling up by the short & curlies - you need to pull the rug From under his feet - he needs a short sharp shock into the reality of how his life could be before he embarks on an affair -sorry to say this but I believe there is a strong possibility of this - but I doubt you have the mental resolve to deal with this now - on the other hand checking out your position may give you the courage to face this head on - no amount of talking is going to make any difference - he cannot hear what you say to him because his narrative in his head is completely off kilter and he is not open to compromise.

If you want support on how to get here post in relationships but I expect you already are!

But this is about a couple where there’s a massive disparity in their earning and also a massive disparity in their working hours. It’s not like the OP is working full time and still bringing in much less. She’s working part time and definitely not maximising the qualifications she has.

Isn't this the case though in most families when there is a SAHP or part time worker, if both parents are low paid then they obviously both have to work. Usually there is a SAHP or part time worker because the other is higher paid.

I’m with your husband on this. His life may change and he may need to take on more (50%) of household tasks but he hasn’t indicated he won’t. Let him.

Now your children are over 3 there’s no real excuse...

This thread is full of highly paid women sneering at those in lower paid jobs, who think that anyone can just go out and get a highly paid job and then go out and employ a cleaner and gardener.

This

And MN yet again surpasses itself in the nastiness stakes.

And this

This has been a very unpleasant thread, and a lot of you need to take a long, hard look at yourselves. There are some things that some of you have blatantly ignored from the OP's posts:

1. The OP doesn't have 'free childcare'; her DM helps out with care after school but has done her fair share and isn't in a position to commit to it to cover the OP working full-time.

1. The 14 year old has severe anxiety. Our DD1 (9) has SN and has had regular hospital appointments for her eyesight and hearing and is about to start therapy. She also has violent meltdowns as a result of her issues. I obviously don't know how the 'severe anxiety' manifests itself, but having a DC with SN is a real challenge, especially if there are a lot of hospital appointments.

1. Her DH has an expensive hobby, which involves several weekends away per year. He wouldn't be able to do this if his DW weren't at home looking after the DC.

1. He has been plain nasty to her, even saying he'd rather be married to someone else and waking her up at 3am to moan about the things they can't afford that his colleagues can. He also does absolutely nothing in the home whatsoever.

Sarah, stalking the OP and c & p your findings is really fucking creepy. Please stop

It sounds like you are both getting increasingly resentful of each other. Really there is no reason why you can’t work full time - you have older children and parental support. There’s no reason why he can’t do more in the house too.

I would consider what you would do financially if he left you or if he lost his job? You can’t just absolve yourself off all financial responsibility- you’re an adult, time to grow up. You might not want to work full time- who does? Grow up.

how old are your children - the eldest is 14 I see, are their others?

I totally understand your DH is cracking under the pressure of being a breadwinner and is presumably at breaking point to raise it in such a bad way.

I do also think people are a bit unrealistic that you can you just now go 'oh, I'll just get a better paid job then' - even with free childcare available (would your mum really do before school and after school every day if there are other younger kids ). I don't know what your skills and experience are, and what you can realistically do and whether it would make a difference other than make him feel better.

I do think you should be working towards full time and higher earnings, but its not an overnight thing though and you might never match his 50k after such a career break.

Pmsl at the idea he might wish to retrain as a care assistant and do 16hours per week. This is a man who doesn't even look after himself, can't see him in a caring role!

Call his bluff and see if he would like to work somewhere else for fewer hours and less pay and take over half the domestic work, to free you up. Of course, he'll have to cut back on a fair bit of the personal spending he currently has, which OP doesn't benefit from (this should be discounted from his salary if you want to get a real idea of his contribution to family finances v the OPs). I bet he doesn't want to.