To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

*But the thing is, he's earning 50k! That's more than the average family take home.

Is it? It's more than the average individual salary but more than the average family income?*

Erm, well you’d think, cos statistics, surely? Or else where would the extra money over and above the 2 x average income come from?

OP, I see both sides. You’re raising a family and do all the wife work.

That said I outearn my H although he does also work FT (for a shit salary) and I feel fucking resentful sometimes. I have thought albeit not said that if I’d married someone who had the same job and earning capacity as me how much fucking easier my life would be. Being the main breadwinner is stressful.

Mr Big dick, who is so manly he finds laundry really complicated - its that big wage packet getting in the way!!

You can teach again, UK is desperate for teachers no one particularly likes it at times but that's life.

You do work full time. Running a home and looking after a family is a full time job. I think you should start looking for a full time job, on the condition that the family immediately start doing more around the house. Tell your husband if he pulls his weight at home you will work more, but if it's all left to you, you will hand your notice in. Don't fall into the trap of having to do everything plus work full time.

@SweetheartNeckline you’re living in a dreamworld if you think that a £50k salary minus tax, NI and council tax leaves you with £42k!!!

Did no one tell you that depending on what department it is arts degrees get you no where in life unless you are excruciatingly good

Clear nonsense. I did an arts degree (Eng lit) I earn a considerable amount of money and I am by no means excrutiatingly good

There is such a thing as sole provider pressure and you've put your DH into that position. And he's not happy with it. Time to get working properly old love!

@Dilligaf81 It's not about the 20 hours. It's about what she chooses to do for those 20 hours. She's doing a job she enjoys, as opposed to the job that could maximise her earnings potential - meanwhile, her OH is supposed to bring home the lion's share. Realistically, she's not going to match his earnings - but she could get a bit closer to them, and that would take some of the pressure off him.

I wouldn't resent a partner who earned less due to doing a tough job in a low paying sector. But I would resent a partner who earned less due to doing a fun job that didn't pay well. She doesn't necessarily need to go full-time, but an experienced graduate on £8k is not achieving her full potential!

but she could get a bit closer to them, and that would take some of the pressure off him.

She has been taking the pressure off him for 20 years by enabling him not to lift a finger at home, make bad financial decisions and follow expensive hobbies.
Why does that count for so little now when he has benefited from it for 20 odd years?

its that big wage packet getting in the way!!

Yeah, I can really see how that would make it more difficult for a married man to hit the basket with his grundies than a single parent woman.

He's feeling taken for granted, you're feeling taken for granted. Forget about jobs for a minute, you need to rewind and talk about love and respect a bit more. It matters whether both of you are happy. Currently you're not, so find a way to switch things around.
I think people are laying into you way too much OP, but it's not ideal that dh is telling you he's unhappy and you're basically insisting nothing can change. He's being a dick with saying he should have married someone else though

Amazing some of the responses on this thread. Two of us manage on just over a third of your combined earnings, OP, so I think he's being totally unreasonable. We have no children but still, I'd consider that more than enough to have a decent lifestyle. He can't have a foreign holiday, boo hoo. Wonder if he realises how many people can't afford any sort of holiday.
I don't see why you should make yourself miserable and exhausted. I wouldn't know what to do with £50k and in his shoes I'd be looking at my spending.

"if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine"

I'm frankly amazed that MN posters think that the OP's DH was in any way justified in saying something like this? Or waking her up at 3am to moan about it? It would be seen as emotional abuse if it was about anything else other than money.

He's also wasted £30k of her savings but because it's his mistake it's okay? I have savings myself from an inheritance too, which has enabled us to have a very low mortgage, and if my DH were to waste that he would be absolutely mortified. (He wouldn't, though, as he's always very careful with money.)

The OP also does nothing in the home for the family, and he isn't going to miraculously change when she gets a full-time job.

How is any of that justified?

It's a difficult one.

When DH and I met we earned fairly similar amounts, both working ft.

When we had the dc I went pt after mat leave.

When the youngest went to school I started my own business, working ft and slightly out-earning dh. I thought it was something I wanted to do, and I wanted to put something into the family pot, so to speak. There was no pressure to do this from DH though.

Fast forward a few years and I am horribly stressed. The business has been very successful but if I'm honest I hate it and am looking for a way out. Selling may be profitable, however, and will leave us in a decent financial position.

I did need to feel that I contributed, the last few years more than equally. We are and have always been equal partners in one way or another. When times have not been great for one of us the other has been there to make up the deficit. I can kind of see your DHs POV, as we have talked at length about our careers/ wants/ needs, and tried to make sure no one is resentful of the other.

"if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine"

That, to me, says it is something he is, or could be, considering.

Not "if I'd married someone who used their degree to earn their full potential"
Nor " if I married someone was earning above the minimum wage"
But someone (he knows?) in his industry who is better paid?

If I was OP I'd definitely be looking for a job with a better rate of pay.

I'm sorry you got such a hard time op.
There's no way on earth I'd go back full time in the situation you describe. Or if I did, then do would have to reduce his hours to take care of the kids.
I also sympathise on the low earnings front. It's incredibly difficult to get well paid part time work unless you've been in the role with the same firm and they are keen to stop you leaving altogether. All part and parcel of the gender pay gap.
It does seem that many on mn have a rose tinted (blinkered) view of the kind of salaries that are normal.
If you're working 20 hours a week that could easily equate to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week which is probably about the maximum that can be worked if you want to see your kids off to school and be there when they are back. You're lucky that your mum can help out, so if you really think your household could do with more money coming in then you could perhaps increase your hours a little - although it sounds like you already do this with overtime anyway.
Presumably if dh hadn't blown the £30K you could have used it to start your business.
So in summary yanbu unless your dh is showing signs of being stressed rather than just angry with the ds for always wanting more money.

Why can't you earn more, take some of the burden off him and if he doesn't help you around the house, you can then hire someone to clean, do yard work, etc....

Yeah OP shouldnt use her wages for any hobbies for herself but use them to hire someone to do the jobs around the house that her DH thinks hes too good for.

Is that the norm in the States then Susie?

No it was just a suggestion.

And I didn't say she shouldn't use any $$ for her hobbies!

Ariela may also have a point. If a dh starts pressing his dw to take up full time work it may be because he's manoeuvring his way out the exit door and want to reduce his maintenance liability.

pringlecat she may do 20 hours a week in a job she loves but the rest of the time doing boring household shit. So she should be unhappy to earn a bit more money?
It seems to be (minus any secret debts) that he wants more money for new cars and exotic holidays whereas she is happy with where they now.
He obviously a bit jealous of colleagues but maybe these people have no children or both work long hours for £££ but have a full time nanny.
As i said they need to sit down to talk about future plans as it seems their individual views are somewhat different.

He seems to be more worried about a posher car and exotic holidays than the mental health issues one of his DC has.

If he genuinely thinks he'd be better off married to one of his colleagues (is he having an affair with one already?), then he'll find that the reality isn't so rosy. The reality is he'll be funding 2 homes and very likely dealing with blended families.

What a lot of insidious suggestions!

I'm the main wage earner in my family and I would take a pretty dim view of my partner dicking around in minimum wage (if you do the maths it's minimum wage) jobs. We're either in it together or we're not. We earn the money we earn to support our kids. If one partner is messing around then, well that's okay but we all have to face the issue that one partner is messing around

The deal with equality is that it means everyone is accountable. We're in a world where everyone works. If one partner doesn't work or might as well not work frankly then the whole family is disadvantaged. Time to man up really.

So you would be perfectly happy for all the employed childcare workers to get a dose of aspiration and start leaving the job in droves. Because without them and the care workers who work in nursing homes many on here would be stuffed,

The denigration of people in lower waged jobs on here is disgusting.