To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

Nasty, entitled people are also disrespectful. Stress is no excuse to tell your wife that you'd be happier with someone who earned more money - this is the woman he had children with and who has seemingly done everything for him bar hold his dick while he pisses!

My MIL has always told me that teenagers need their parents just as much as toddlers, but in different ways.

She was a SAHM until DH's dad left them (when DH was mid-teens) and then had to work FT, but used to work early shifts so was always home when they came home from school, because she maintained that if they had anything to tell you, it would be then.

DS is now at secondary school, because of the commute to his school he doesn't get home until after 6pm. He then has at least a couple of hours homework to do a night. I don't think I could expect him to step up and start cooking meals/chores. I do expect that in the holidays but not in term time.

I haven't read all the thread, but I think OP is getting a real pasting. Her DH does not sound nice, and I don't think he realises quite what the OP has done for the family over the years.

Also if she has been out of the higher paid end of the work place for some time, she is not going to just walk into a £50k job just like that.

She has said their youngest DC is suffering anxiety and has had suicidal thoughts. If my DS was like that I would be wanting to prioritise that, not looking for more hours or higher salary, and I would hope DH would support that. Obviously if the family were on the breadline it would be different, but it doesn't appear that they are.

A child in DS's school committed suicide last term. She was 13 . I bet her family would have done anything they could have to prevent that.

TatianaLarina - I'm so glad you have found a way to live that does not involve demeaning yourself by working for a living. Just hoping that you are not living off your partner degrading themselves in some employment. I'm sure I speak for the rest of us work-slaves to say it would be an honour to pay taxes to make sure you have the work-free life you deserve.

Tatiana nobody here is star struck about running companies, we're just not getting carried away by motherhood to the point we forget that children need to be provided for financially as well as emotionally. And many of us are pointing out that we do both.

As to the masculine world of business wtf??

The suicidal thoughts is a big worry. Setting aside everything else, for this reason alone the OP should be there for her child and the h should want to support that, more than he wants more foreign holidays. He sounds like a shit father as well as a shit husband.
If this was my child, I'd not want him out of my sight. This is not a family living on the breadline - on his wage he can afford to prioritise his child.

C8H10N4O2 to spell out my point clearly- every time a SAHP stamps their feet about how hard SAH parenting is, a FT working mother remembers their maternity leave where they, you know, stayed at home and parented. So they don't have to keep reminding everybody just how much work this mental load and admin is.

We've all been there, and then some mothers do this "admin" and "mental load" that takes soooo much time and effort around a full time job. And some do it as the sole adult and earner. And thats when we chuckle inwardly.

But do crack on.

Btw the FTSE was tounge in cheek and copied from another poster upthread.

Firstly, hardly anybody can actually afford a new car. 90% of them are financed, and to the point where the Bank of England has been warning of a credit bubble in car finance for some time. If you earn 50k, you take home 37k before any allowances or deductions. That's approximately the price of a new BMW 420d M-Sport twatmobile, sans optional extras. If you saved 10% of a 50k salary for a whole decade, you could buy one outright. Whoopie. One day out of every fortnight for a whole 10 years spent grafting for a boring diesel car nobody looks twice at that's worth nothing again 10-15 years later. Really? Bit daft? So why aspire to have one, or finance one for perhaps 20% of the fruits of your endeavours?

With modern consumer info and the choice and longevity in 2nd hand ones, new cars are a huge waste of money. I don't say this because I cannot afford one - my wholly owned business made over £100,000 profit last year, and I lived on rather less than half, so I could buy a new BMW twatmobile tomorrow, cash. My own daily driver is now 8 years old and I have no desire to change it. Boris Johnson certainly isn't short of a bob or two & drives a couple of ancient old bangers - I used to, but I cracked and bought a nice 5 year old car 3 years ago... but now I will keep it as long as it works.

Secondly, expensive topical holidays aren't all they are cracked up to be. When I first started making strong money, we went to an expensive & exclusive beach resort in the Caribbean.

We were both bored after 2-3 days, and were soon off on a cheap rented motorcycle and eating out at the little "no frills but great food" kind of places. I learned the expensive way that lying on a private beach or by an artfully landscaped pool with rich people waiting to down a few perfectly crafted Mojitos at a socially acceptable time, is no less mind numbingly dull than lying on a sun lounger in a cheap hotel in the med with a pint of Stella. In fact, it's a lot worse, because the kind of people you meet at a cheap resort in the med are invariably friendlier & more fun.

So, my first piece of advice would be for BOTH of you to actually think rationally about what you want out of life, and why? Where do you want to go, what do you want to see & do? What do you aspire to do with the kids? You can often travel to amazing places for comparatively very little. You can drive a cheap heap of a car to make those things happen, and if the trade off for driving a shitty old car is seeing the Taj Mahal, Golden Gate Bridge, or Machu Pichu, then frankly, give me the old banger. I know that isn't for everybody, but you can have a nicer car and a lot of fun out in the British or French countryside camping for tuppence ha'penny. I had a wonderful time camping in Wales a few weeks ago. Live life, be grateful for your health and to live in times of peace and relative plenty - it's not a rehersal.

Secondly, yes - you should be open to earning more, whether F/T or P/T. Relationships are a compromise & you're not doing that much on the work/wage front and it sounds like you never have. Stressful life for him, charmed one for you is how the story plays to me. If you aren't both happy it's clearly unfair. It's not about bringing equal £, but about making equal sacrifices. If you brought home £12k instead of £8k, you could take your kids on an amazing couple of weeks away in a completely foreign culture every year without any impact to your other financial commitments - think about that?

Lastly... 6 years goes by really fast. In 6 years your youngest can vote, drink & marry. What's keeping you together afterwards? (Refer back to point on what you both want out of life?). You can guarantee he's already wondering based on recent conversations. How far does half the joint assets & 8k a year get you? Things clearly aren't great, if you aren't thinking about how you'd support yourself as well as how you can lift some financial strain on the relationship, I think it might be prudent to do so - but if you thought more about exploring joint goals and aspirations & making them happen... maybe you'd need to worry less anyway?

PS... I appreciate my statements about being well off but not enjoying spunking money may sound a bit self-righteous & I think in some ways, you have to have money and spunk it away to understand it is pretty shallow. However, that also makes you appreciate what you had to do to get it, and a partner not really pulling their weight in effort terms if not outright financially can lead to resentment (been there too).

Yeah the business world is a still very masculine creation imo. Women have fitted into it rather than changing it fundamentally. Which is why it’s very important that women set up their own companies.

And thats when we chuckle inwardly.

Yep.

I’m so glad you have found a way to live that does not involve demeaning yourself by working for a living.

Eh?

Lazy? She runs every aspect of the house and kids, he doesn't have to lift a finger and she also works 20 hrs a week. And she paid of his debts with her inheritance.

That's because we all know a real women would work full time, alongside the trifling issues like dealing with the house, kids, shopping, cooking, admin and everything else solo. Poor husband, what a poor bloke...

I've seen many SAHPs doing much longer hours than their supposed full time spouses.

I'll say it - having done both SAHP is longer hours but generally easier than full time work, it is a level of work almost anyone can do even if they have never worked in their lives. Doing actual work for similar hours to SAHP I have done, and it is 10x as gruelling - I'd say it is probably beyond most people to do that for long.

I think sahp is not easy and it's one of the most valuable things you can do for your child, but when I see someone saying somebody else, the only person with a full-time job no less, "just works" and in some way thinking the other person is on easy street I find that mind-boggling.

He’s on 50K a year and stressing about money just so he can live a more materialistic lifestyle. Talk about greed. Tell him to try and raise two children alone with 15k a year. What a sod.

You both sound unhappy with each other anyway. Why not break up and get a better job so you’re not funding his lifestyle but working and not having to do the housework? Then it’s 50/50 childcare. He can find somebody who he’s happy with and meets his requirements for a happy life and you can find somebody who you don’t despise.

Or wouldn’t that be funding your lifestyle?

This seems to be turning into a SAHP v FT working debate - that's not the point.

The OP could continue to work part-time, but trade up for a better paid job. She's choosing to do something she enjoys rather than something that commands a higher salary. She's not an unskilled worker with limited experience - she's a graduate who's held down full-time jobs in the past.

Not easy street, but not as hard as if they worked and had half the house and child stuff to do as well.
I find it baffling when ft workers don't acknowledge how much easier it is to work ft and not have any other responsibilites.
If the dc are unwell, the OP's h hasn't had to stay home from work to look after them, he hasn't had to rush out of work to get to the nursery before the fine kicks in. He can come home, eat the dinner that someobe else has cooked and washed up, wear clothes that he hasn't had to wash etc.
That's a much nicer life.

Thomlin But do crack on

Oh I've cracked on as the main earner all my working life. I've always had primary financial responsibility for my family and had to consider that in terms of my own career decisions.

I've also had periods of maternity leave. Any man who claimed to understand what it was like to be a long term "company wife" because they had taken a few weeks/months paternity leave would be rightly laughed at.

My DDs and DSs all know I think they all need to be able to manage independently.

Not least because when they spend 20 yrs facilitating a partner's career and lifestyle at the expense of their own, including all the mental load, care of children (sometimes with specific needs), ageing parents etc - they are very vulnerable when said partner decides in middle age that their life is just soooo terribly hard coming home to a cooked dinner and clean washing every night but not being able to buy a brand new Ranger and they want to fuck off to find themselves.

I have a very similar setup in my household with regards to finances etc and that my DH earns the majority, and I earn roughly 8-10k per year as a self employed copywriter. I have been not working over the past year after being pregnant and having a baby 3 months ago, and since my ex-employer ended my contract. Prior to this, I worked in publishing full then part time for 12 years. I have had a few awful years health-Ed’s recently though, and don’t know what I would do without my DH’s support. I had a head injury, breakdown, post concussion syndrome, drug induced movement disorder, my brother passed away last year from cancer, and I had an ectopic pregnancy too.

All this aside, I truly WOULD want to work if I wasn’t looking after my children and being a full time mum at the moment, but the thing that is / will be stopping me in the future is a very real fear of being able to cope with how others perceive my movement disorder and involuntary movements. I have a great (unfounded?) worry that no-one will want to employ me with it, yet I won’t let it stop me trying to get another job and I will try my utmost to stay employed despite this.

With regards to the OP, I haven’t RTFT but I think if she is capable of earning more, contributing more financially and taking the burden and pressure off her DH, she should. I have to say, if I didn’t have my health issues, I would be more than happy to get another job tomorrow. Be grateful for your good health and support your DH. He will thank you for it.

Sorry for the typos... stupid autocorrect!🙄

Queenofthestress arts degrees get you no where in life unless you are excruciatingly good
My degree is Fine Art and I've lived (self-employed) by designing, making and selling for a good few years. No debts, no mortgage, a decent car. I support a disabled friend, too, who fell through the benefits net. It depends I suppose where you place 'nowhere'.

I’m having a horrific time being a SAHP with my newborn and 11/7year olds. We home school, I work from home, lots of groups and teaching and cleaning the house and my brain is a puddle of stress... but my DP is still under more stress than me, because everything we have here depends on him working. Without that, there would be none of this. If he didn’t earn the money I couldn’t raise the children from home with the lifestyle that we have, and that’s a massive privilege that some people seem to forget. Yes I know it can be brain meltingly stressful at times but, let’s face it, it’s pretty awesome being able to have pj days and stay home when we can’t be arsed. The stress of raising a family is totally different to the stress of your family life depending on you to live.

How stressful must that be? I earn money but not as much as DP. I do all the housework and things just because he’s not home to do it so what sense would there be in him doing it?

I love how on MN ‘running the house’, ‘doing the admin’ and ‘managing the finances’ are almost given the same gravity as if you are running a FTSE 100 company

Exactly this. It doesn’t take a genius to choreograph school runs, after school clubs, household finances and general cleaning

Opening some letters, hoovering and washing a car now and then is just a very basic part of life which op:s husband finds far too complicated.

As for the posters implying that they can do it all and work full time so why can't she? Well the same question could be asked of her H.

OP, I think you should try to build up your hours and pay, but only so you can free yourself of Mr Big dick, who is so manly he finds laundry really complicated.

Pringlecat - 'The OP could continue to work part-time, but trade up for a better paid job. She's choosing to do something she enjoys rather than something that commands a higher salary. She's not an unskilled worker with limited experience - she's a graduate who's held down full-time jobs in the past.'

Absolutely this.

If the OP wouldn't be cool with DH opting for a £16k full time job he enjoyed, and to hell with the financial consequences for the family... then she's not really taking a fair POV.

It's the relative stress/effort/return of the paid work that's the issue .

Im shocked at a lot of these responses. Op may only have 20 hours of paid work but as she look after the household and 2 children in effect she will be working more than full time hours.
Don't forget he is able to earn that salary due to the fact the op took a step back and cared for the children and the household to enable him to concentrate on his career.

You do need a calm discussion with you husband about money, are there debts? Is the stress just relating to not being able to keep up with the jones? A chat also needs to happen about each of your life aspirations as it seems you both have very different ideas of what the future should hold.