To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

From what the op says, her dh is very unlikely to 'step up' to do half the housework if she works full time, so i can understand her reluctance to do so. Maybe rather than demand she bring more money into the household, (bearing in mind how much unpaid work she contributes), he should look to cutting his cloth according to his available budget. Op says he has an expensive hobby and a car and holidays etc, whilst she is 'cheap to keep'. Maybe, if her dh is as stressed as some of you imagine, they should look to downsize their outgoings to relieve him of some of his stress and he could get an easier, but less well paid job. She does not say she expects him to fund her extravagant lifestyle, and yet her dh is demanding her to bring in more money so he can upgrade his car and have flashier holidays.

@tomlin that is so spot on

Is there a family holiday OP?

Agreed CanYouHearThat

He could try looking at his bank account and budgeting, like other people. From what OP says he’s clearly crap with money. That’s the root of the problem, actually.

He wants OP to earn more so he can fritter more away.

I'm intrigued by how many hours a week people think it takes to 'run a home'. We're not talking about someone with 2 young DC here - that's a different game to what's needed for 2 teenage children.

My decision to remain childfree by choice was based partly on the pressure on women to do have it all.

Some of the discussions i see on here simply rubber stamp my decision.

I love how on MN ‘running the house’, ‘doing the admin’ and ‘managing the finances’ are almost given the same gravity as if you are running a FTSE 100 company

As if running a company were actually as valuable as raising human beings. It’s tragic when women don’t understand the value of motherhood in itself - brainwashed by the patriarchy.

*Sounds like your DH wants to have his cake and eat it. I’ve seen this a lot - SAHP is all well and good when the DC are young and need a lot of care, then it’s very useful for the breadwinner to have someone to do all the housework, childcare and emotional work that goes with managing a young family.

10 years later, however, and the main earner starts looking around seeing families who have two good full-time incomes, kids are getting into teens and more independent, you’re looking ahead to pensions and the cost of DC going to college and suddenly the years of work the SAHP did are forgotten and money becomes top priority again.*

Yes, the sacrifices required for someone to be a SAHP are pointless once a SAHP has less to do and retirement looms, there is very little benefit to the cost.

I like how you worded it to sound like a bad thing, but it stands to reason really, doesn't it.

OK from the childs perspective I was 14 when i considered suicide because i was being bullied at school.

My mum had a go at me the night i was caught with whisky and pills because she had to come home from work early

I dont resent or blame her for it at all She was under a lot of stress and it was over 30 years ago.

But sometimes the teenage years can be the hardest And you can magnify this times 1000 now with the pressures of social media.

Hang on CanYouHearThat You're kind of picking and choosing from what the Op has posted with Op says he has an expensive hobby and a car and holidays etc, whilst she is 'cheap to keep .

She also said We are not badly off! The kids and DH have all the gadgets they could possibly need. We do have holidays, just not abroad every year. We have two cars, a four bed house. How much of a dent do you think £8k a year and buying her clothes on eBay makes there?

Yes the Op contributes in non financial ways but it seems to me she's taking the bits of her lifestyle that require actual money for granted.

As if running a company were actually as valuable as raising human beings.

Take your point, but earning money is a vital part of raising human beings, someone always has to do it.

As if running a company were actually as valuable as raising human beings. It’s tragic when women don’t understand the value of motherhood in itself - brainwashed by the patriarchy.

Based on your logic noone would work. We'd all be at home raising human beings. There'd be no food in supermarkets, no power or water in our homes, no NHS. But lots of baby humans because that's the only thing with value. Hmmmmmm......

Remember for every full time working mother (lone parent or in partnership) there is a maternity leave. They are fooling no one.

I have no idea what your point is with that statement. And regarding FTSE 100 companies - only a tiny percentage of people do that and I've never seen anyone on MN say being a SAHP equates although I've seen many SAHPs doing much longer hours than their supposed full time spouses.

I don't think anyone believes sah is equivalent to running a ftse 100 company. But it's not 'nothing' either. Don't underestimate how much easier life is for a wohp if they don't have to do much at home.

I don't think OP's h is having a particularly hard time of it tbh. He has to work (and a hell of a lot of people work just as hard, for less money), but he doesn't have to come home and cook/clean/do hwk with kids as is what happens in households with 2 ft workers. I bet he's less tired than a lot of people!
He has enjoyed the benefits of having a partner who does everything. If he wants that to change, he has to give something back, to free her up to retrain etc.
I reckon he's got his eye on someone else and is now doing the woe is me thing, to justify an affair.

This man is only doing what millions of men have done for centuries which is financially support his family. He's never been pregnant or had babies. He isn't a mother and OP isn't a man. They have had very traditional and different roles for a long time. Why all the bloody sympathy because he goes to work? He isn't even good with the money he earns! It sounds as if OP has been an excellent house and financial manager. He goes to work and then does a lot of relaxing when he isn't at work. Why all the stress at carrying the financial load?
These arrangements only work if both are happy with it.

As if running a company were actually as valuable as raising human beings

Oh ffs get over yourself! The Op and DH issue is about finances. People can wax lyrical about what an important job they are doing raising human beings but it's actually entirely possible to raise them and provide financially.

I'm all for valuing a sahp contribution but there are some posters who insist on assigning it some kind of amazing moral value as well as vastly overestimating the actual financial worth of the role.

Why was it 'his' debt? We still don't know how involved she was in the decision to get the BTL, or why. No assumptions here, but it's crucial information.

Read the OP. She posted about his problems managing money and subsequently posted:

Incidentally, he lost us £30,000 on a stupid buy to let investment a few years ago. When I inherited roughly the same amount I paid off all that debt with it

Unless you assume she is lying he cannot manage money. Its not unusual but like the history of not engaging with household tasks (when both were working FT) and valuing the OP only in terms of her financial contribution he sounds like an arse.

But lots of baby humans because that's the only thing with value

Where did I say that?

These arrangements only work if both are happy with it.
And the DH isn't happy

How many threads do we read where the DW isn't happy with her workload? And we all back her up and say it's not fair and her DH should change.

But if a DH is unhappy at the work divide, that's not ok.
It has to work both ways. He's not happy. She needs to listen.

Regardless of different incomes, your husband has been extremely disrespectful to you.

Some posters on here have a strange idea of what constitutes a liveable income. We have similar household income to the OP, in the SE and two kids. We have a perfectly nice lifestyle. The kids do some activities, we go on a 2 week holiday to France, we have some days out although not generally expensive ones to theme parks. We don't eat out much and have old cars, and are low-tech but we're both happy with that. We don't have expensive hobbies.

We have friends with much higher incomes and more lavish lifestyles but luckily we are both ok with not emulating them. Sounds like the big problem is that your DH has become disenchanted by looking at others and is taking this out on you. If it's possible for you to have a calm discussion about working more hours and the changes he would need to make I would do that, but I would expect an apology for his disrespectful comments first.

Regardless of different incomes, your husband has been extremely disrespectful to you.

He has been disrespectful. But stressed people often are, sadly.

I'm all for valuing a sahp contribution but there are some posters who insist on assigning it some kind of amazing moral value as well as vastly overestimating the actual financial worth of the role.

I find the starstruck overestimation of running companies and the masculine world of business, tedious. I ran one for a while, it wasn’t particularly exciting.

Turk - not even two centuries.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breadwinner_model

If he's willing to pull his weight around the house and with the children then YABU. I do think you're in a pretty vulnerable position with regards to pensions and if you separated, though.

he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t