To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

He’s a massive dick, no doubt about it.

But how old are you kids? Unless they’re very tiny, why don’t you work? To be honest it is never easy with children. It’s not easier when they’re at infants, juniors or even secondary school. If you’ve got childcare and are educated, though, if I were you I’d go out to work. Get a career. Contribute to the family pot, but also think about your own earning power over your lifespan.

The dynamic will have to change at home , yes. But if you say he ‘won't’ take on board his fair share of the housework and ’mental load’, isn’t that even more reason to go to work? Because a) why are you facilitating his life in this way l? It’s stupid; and b) if it all goes tits up, wtf will you do?

So in a household of 2 working adults you would expect an average of £54k ish

And while this doesn't apply to every job that pays £27k, I would argue that by and large a job at that salary carries less responsibility and less stress than a £50k job (obvs I'd exclude say, nursing/caring roles unless maybe both jobs are in that field).

I'm afraid I would likely feel a bit resentful if I had the responsibility of a high stress job to fund a lifestyle that could be paid for if both of us had an "easier" job.

this sounds a sad way to live, you sound like you deeply resent each other. It sounds like this atmosphere will be no help to your DC with mental health difficulties. As someone said above it sounds like you have differing values and differing things that make you happy. I imagine this is manifesting in other areas of your relationship too such as physically.
I hope you can both find a happier way to be with each other, however, financially, I think you should be planning how you may need to support yourself if there is a split including pension planning.

Trying out full time work doesn't have to be forever, if you give it a go and find that the house falls apart, you can go back to part-time. If it turns out, when more money is coming in, that the money arguments were just a smoke screen for deeper issues, you'll find that out too.

I don’t get the arts degree focus either. Surely anyone with a BA has an arts degree?

I just think that if he’s that desperate for more money, he could look for another job. But he is very set in his ways and even though he was offered a better job a couple of years ago, he decided he didn’t want the stress of it

This is breath-takingly naive! Don't you see, OP, he can't take another job and give up protected employment rights because he is FUNDING YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR LIFESTYLE ! He really can't take the risk. You would totally be up shit creek if he lost his job.

I really don't get this "running a home" stuff. Once the DCs are older, what exactly is there to do? Most working parents manage to pay bills, keep a clean and safe house, and still have time for a bit of fun. I can't see how it can possibly stretch to a part time job, never mind full time.

Wake up, smell the coffee and start contributing to the household.

OP I would get yourself a better paid full time job, not for your DH but for you, it doesn't sound from what you have posted that your relationship is in a great place for whatever reason.
I have a job that pays a fraction of my DH so he has to worry about providing the money for our family but he never has to think about childcare, household chores, shopping, cooking etc. This works for us at present but isn't perfect, he gets stressed sometimes and I get frustrated, but we can talk about it so I hope we'll make it through.

@HelenaDove No, I'm not saying it would be okay. But I'm saying if he is repeatedly telling the OP he's unhappy and the OP is ignoring him because she doesn't think he's reasonable to be unhappy, the marriage is going to fail for one reason or another. The marriage might fail with a simple divorce, or it might get even uglier and more hurtful with an affair. Why let it blow up that way?

He's apparently already said things would be better if he had married someone in his line of work - so if the resentment is allowed to continue to build, it wouldn't surprise me if he started sniffing around women in his line of work. Why let things get to that point?

If the OP actually takes his feelings into consideration, best case scenario, they work this out. Worst case scenario, they part without hating each other and actually being able to co-parent.

If the OP doesn't take his feelings into consideration, best case is they divorce. Worst case is they divorce messily.

To address the point above, the ONS statistics for disposable income being £26,000 ish apparently define disposable income as

Disposable income is arguably the most widely used household income measure. Disposable income is the amount of money that households have available for spending and saving after direct taxes (such as Income Tax and Council Tax) have been accounted for. It includes earnings from employment, private pensions and investments as well as cash benefits provided by the state.

It does not use disposable income as a measure as we would mean it (ie after all bills). £58,000 - let's say £42,000 or so after taxes - is a very good income. And the government are shits for manipulating the truth like that.

Well ironically Pringle he would find himself doing his share of the co parenting if they did split.

InionEile

Agree, my observations match yours.

I would say that It all depends on how your stint as a SAHP was agreed on

On the basis that the OPs DH did nothing around the house when they were both working full time before DC I suspect that like many women she had limited choices if he had decided to opt out of contributing at home. Many of the women I've seen left high and dry in middle age fell into being primarily home/family managers because their DH's jobs "couldn't" allow them to do more and "it made sense" for the wife to sacrifice her prospects because he could earn so much more if freed up.

Pic attached.

Is an Arts degree anything that is not a STEM degree, so stuff like Law, English, History etc because it sounds like it should be drama or art which would be lower paid than a barrister.

OP, as your children get older and perhaps want the university educations that you enjoyed, you need to be thinking about increasing your earning potential big style. There is a lot of financial support provided by parents for students these days, as many want to go on to do post-graduate education, for which there is no funding. If you want to be in a position to help them, then you need to plan ahead as good careers take time to build.

Our DH have both cost us a lot of money since aged 18, it doesn't stop at that age if you want to give your kids good opportunities in life. Fortunately we both worked FT from when the kids were very young.

Take it from an older person that your DH may not always be in good health as he lurches into later middle age. You may find that you cannot simply rely on the financial cushion that his current income provides for you and DC. Men often have health problems and long term conditions can develop at an earlier stage than for many women.

Ask yourself what you would do if he needed to be on long term sick leave for a back injury, knee injury, a heart attack or developed diabetes. In your shoes I would be planning to optimise my own contribution in financial terms.

Harsh it may be, but I speak from real life experience of getting older. There is no old age pension until at least 66 for most people, so you need to think of the future. Benefits will not replace a 50K salary, if the unthinkable happens (and it does).

Op, I get that being the main earner is stressful but your role is definitely being devalued. If you are doing everything around the house and taking care of children who aren't really that old and one with issues to boot, I don't see the problem with your work. You are doing your fair share of contributing to.the house. It just isn't financial. I agree that you can't/shouldn't rely on elderly parents. If you didn't have children, you would be dull time as you were before.

Sorry OP I think you sound very lazy.

Lots of us work full time and still manage to 'run the home' and 'look after the kids'. And although it is hard work, we do it without feeling badly done to, overworked or stressed. It's just an ordinary life.

It costs money for someone to stay at home and do lifework for their main job. It's a luxury the other person is paying for.

It brings money in to "just work".

If I were DH I would go one further than your idea of splitting housework and suggest you swap roles, because at the moment you seem to think being the only adult doing a full time job and worrying about where the rent/mortgage will come from = life on easy street.

Sorry OP I think you sound very lazy.

Lazy? She runs every aspect of the house and kids, he doesn't have to lift a finger and she also works 20 hrs a week. And she paid of his debts with her inheritance.

It's a red herring that being the sole earner puts more pressure on him than if she worked ft too. There are loads of couples working ft who bring home that salary or less between them, who would be equally fucked if one of them lost their job.
I'm not saying there is no pressure to it, of course there is, but I think he's brought it on himself in as much as he spends on an expensive hobby, enjoys weekends away etc. If he was that worried, he could spend less and save more. He could support the OP in retraining. He could pull his weight at home, so she feels able to increase work without getting lumbered with all the house stuff too. Yet he does none of this. He just complains while offering no practical solutions lest they involve him getting off his arse and actually helping her/sacrificing some of his oen excess spending.
He has cost the family 30k, which the OP has covered with her inheritance. Too many posters are acting as if she has given nothing to her family.
I think she'd be silly to give up a job she enjoys with no sign that he is going to change any of his own behaviour.

I was the main breadwinner in our marriage

I never turned around to my DH and said "it would have been easier if i had married someone else who was able bodied and so could earn as much as ,me"

Because im not an arsehole.

And she paid of his debts with her inheritance.

Why was it 'his' debt? We still don't know how involved she was in the decision to get the BTL, or why. No assumptions here, but it's crucial information.

@HelenaDove He would find himself looking after the children more, yes. But if they split on bad terms, they could end up fighting the toss over every single parenting decision - that's not co-parenting. That's just two people parenting separately to each other.

And if they split, the OP would presumably need to find a better job anyway...

YY Wanna Totally agree.

Op I think you've had a hard time on this thread. My dh earns £24k & I was earning about £9k until I gave up my job 2 months ago for summer hols. Using savings to fund this time & starting childminding soon which will be a slow recovery & allow me to look after dc while earning. I can totally understand that you're not happy to leave ds right now-does dh agree with this?

My parents are happy to do childcare also but they are in their 70s and I see the toll it takes on them. I don't think it's fair to rely on them so much anymore. We are lucky that our mortgage is paid off but still plenty of bills to pay, though we cope ok and happy with little luxuries-wouldn't bother me not going abroad. If I were to work FT the house would be much more miserable overall! I think you need to make a list of both your perceived solutions to improve the situation and discuss them together. If there are other big issues as well as this in your relationship, I'd suggest you try counselling to help. Good luck

I genuinely don't understand why some full-time working mothers have such a spite against part-time working mothers or SAHMs.

Because:

I love how on MN ‘running the house’, ‘doing the admin’ and ‘managing the finances’ are almost given the same gravity as if you are running a FTSE 100 company

I don't feel any spite at all but I do laugh inwardly at the select few SAHMs/ PT workers who think if they keep repeating constantly just how hard it is, the rest of the world will believe them. Remember for every full time working mother (lone parent or in partnership) there is a maternity leave. They are fooling no one.