To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

FASH84 Wed 22-Aug-18 22:52:04

For everyone going on about the £30k debt that had to be paid off, OPs DH has brought in that much already this year alone.

The 30K would have been extra ON TOP of that wage if it hadnt been used to pay off his BTL gamble.

The median salary per person in the uk is £27,195. So in a household of 2 working adults you would expect an average of £54k ish

If you earned 50k while your partner with children at school requiring no childcare brought in next to nothing you might start thinking about what kind of lifestyle you could have if things were fairer . Perhaps he feels he wants to just buy a sandwich at his work . A large disparity in earnings is a problem if both partners aren’t in agreement .

" great deall of capital"

Like 30K?!

Glintandglide
No the 27k is per household not per person

Again I stress, the average household income is 27k

Household income or individual salary? And are we talking about average household income for a two-parent, two-child family, or are we including single parent families, house shares, retired people, people living alone etc etc?

I've actually been all over the ONS website trying to find out what the average household income for a family in the UK is and I'm coming up blanks. Found some stuff about average disposable income but that's not what I want.

A lot of it depends on where you are and other factors, of course. But while it's obviously totally possible to live on £58k (before tax, remember), I can most definitely see why it could still feel tight for a family of four, with two teens, and why the main earner would feel stressed.

Well apparently so as hes the one with the penis
Yup.

I'm sorry OP but I agree with your DH. I have a 'useless' arts degree too (with a side project of researching holocaust history which gave me MASSIVE mental health problems to boot). Stayed at home with kids for a good 15 years and had similar arguments with my DH. He's on the equivalent of £140k and has always had a decent salary so it wasn't exactly over money worries (neither of us are big spenders anyway) but more about feeling pressured about being the sole earner. So I retrained in something I enjoy doing (hair and makeup), started earning equivalent of £250 a week in the first year and now it's about £500-700 a week on average and a bit more towards end of the year. So not massive sums but I can't tell you what a positive difference it has made - my husband loves it that I pay for the car, that I can buy him a breakfast after the gym (membership which I paid for and he gets to come along as a visitor any time). It's still creative, I get to meet lots of different people and it gives me something to focus on other than things I have no influence over and can't change.

@HelenaDove and of the OP had earned even 16k a year (which is still very low) , since her eldest started at secondary school she would've bright in an extra £24k ON TOP of the household income, and that's without all the other years where she's given up jobs because 'she didn't like them much'

After tax it's roughly 4K a month. Just under. But add in child benefit for 2 kids at £137.60 every 4 weeks.

That's a livable wage (I get you live within your means) but it is doable. And quite comfortably for myself. But I have preschool children not secondary

Sorry that was in response to C8H10N4O2 who was saying they had more than double the average household income

Ringthebell those posts are just saying they’ll have more money to pay for it. Which they will. The OPs new salary doesn’t have to cover it (although, £20 a week for a cleaner would be perfectly affordable if she went full time on her existing wage)

I’m curious smooth on how long has be been asking you to bring in more money? Children actually need their parents around more at secondary school - you need to know where they are and what they are doing.
Yes I agree your mums done enough - I see so many grandmothers collecting children from school daily. Some children feel an entitlement for this.
OP has raised her child and done everything in the house.
He’s an idiot - you both couldn’t have earned £50000 and looked after the kids. Did you ever discuss this.
I’m wondering what’s behind this now?
Has he had his head turned at work and thinking ching ching.
Do you have a hobby OP - do you do anything together?
Depending where you live in the country £58,000 is a lot o money.
Only you know if you have gone without.
He needs to talk to you in a more healthy way.
Does he like his job or does he moan about it at home.
Do you talk to each other.
Therapy could be a way forward.
Good luck.

58k is my families combined wage in 2 public sector working parents , it’s absolutely fine but I live in one of the cheapest parts of the UK we have 3 kids and we do ok but it’s not a huge amount after bills and mortgage are paid .

"He may divorce you. He may have an affair and then you divorce him. You can't possibly expect to continue the way things are and expect your marriage to survive. He's warning you he's unhappy. Listen to that warning."

oh so it would be okay for him to have an affair. Bloody hell

There isn’t a lot more going on in the relationship than I’m prepared to talk about here, which was perhaps a bit unfair as I’ve not given the complete picture.

I suspected as much. If you ever want to talk about what is really going on in your relationship, try posting in Relationships, you’ll get more understanding there.

No-one talks to their partner the way he did to you without being an arsehole.

£26k is the median disposable income per household according to the ONS- is that what you’re referring to? That’s disposable.

Children actually need their parents around more at secondary school - you need to know where they are and what they are doing.

What? Why do you need not to be working to know where your teenage children are?

For those not able to conceive of life on less than 50k a year:

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/personalandhouseholdfinances/incomeandwealth/bulletins/householddisposableincomeandinequality/financialyearending2017

The mean housegold income of £27k is DISPOSABLE income ie after ALL direct taxes ie net which equates to a gross salary of about £35,000 so they get £42 net which is lower than the median net income in London

He gets paid £50k. That’s not the same as disposable income

Sounds like your DH wants to have his cake and eat it. I’ve seen this a lot - SAHP is all well and good when the DC are young and need a lot of care, then it’s very useful for the breadwinner to have someone to do all the housework, childcare and emotional work that goes with managing a young family.

10 years later, however, and the main earner starts looking around seeing families who have two good full-time incomes, kids are getting into teens and more independent, you’re looking ahead to pensions and the cost of DC going to college and suddenly the years of work the SAHP did are forgotten and money becomes top priority again.

I would say that It all depends on how your stint as a SAHP was agreed on, OP. If you both equally agreed on it and he found it very helpful at the time to have you at home doing everything for free, then he is BU. If it was solely your choice at the time because you hated your job and you didn’t want to work full-time, then YABU. Being a SAHP and losing an income has to be mutually agreed upon and both partners have to be happy with it and it is unfair for either partner to change the game - reducing earnings, doing no housework, refusing to take a promotion - without the other agreeing to it

Well a lot of schools see the mum as the default parent

OP when you go full time make sure you let your childrens schools know that your DH is equally as contactable as you.

As you manage all the house hold paper work I would suggest making a list of all out going expenses and income. You also need to budget for extras like holidays, Xmas, emergencies, hobbies. Then suggest look at short and long term goals, retirement. Perhaps, your husband has different expectations to yourself. I would also ask in an ideal world how much extra you would need to earn to make him happy or make a difference. In turn, you could ask what he Will be doing to help more at home. Your children can also help with chores. As a teen, I did chores like car washibg, gardening, house work. You both need to communicate better. The average wage is approx 26k, you your family already has a good income. What has made your husband unhappy ?

I’ve not rtft but I could do without all this nonsense about arts degrees.
I have one and earn 5 times what the op does.

Pringlecat - spot on. Great post. Hope op is still reading