To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

eating the bread he puts on the table and living inder his roof.

It isn't his roof its their roof. The fact that the OPs running of the home/family has been unpaid does not make the house "his". Did you also miss the part where he enjoys expensive hobbies and pissed away 30k on bad investments which the OP's inheritance funded?

I've seen this scenario played out many times. Men who have enjoyed all the home and career benefits of a 247 wife/housekeeper/mother/household manager/PA for years, including all the shitty parts, suddenly decide she has it easy and they want her to go and 'earn more'. Ignoring the fact that she has lost 20 yrs job experience and assuming she will continue to be there 247 for the family.

I'd want to see evidence he will change his ways. The only strong argument for the OP to do this (because he won't change his ways at home) is the financial independence it could bring her. I've seen too many women sacrifice all their career prospects for DHs who fucked off with OW in their late 40s/50s.

Isn’t he allowed to make mistakes?

Well apparently so as hes the one with the penis.

glintandglide I did read the thread! OP stated multiple times that she’s been working in arts-related roles which don’t pay well. I’ve seen plenty of posts saying that she shouldn’t have done an Art degree because she should have known it wouldn’t be well paid, or calling her job a ‘lifestyle job’!

FT work and start to contribute to your household instead of the burden being on your husbands shoulders.

Where’s your concern about the burden on OP’s shoulders when she works FT and also has to do everything at home? DH ain’t going to change now.

Working FT and being the domestic drudge is precisely what everyone on here tell women not to do. Quite rightly, it’s a shit life.

The thing for me about being the primary wager earner (I out earn my husband by several times) is not just the pressure, but the lack of choice. I love my job now, but it hasn't always been that way as I've worked my way up. Sometimes I'd cry on the way to work, I hated it so much. My husband could have quit his job and gone back to school or whatever he wanted basically, because I earned enough that he could do that. When I was hating my job every day, I knew I had no choice, I couldn't just quit and go back to school and get a degree I had to find another job. The lack of choice can be really depressing and soul-destroying.

Hes also apparently allowed to say that one of those mistakes is his marriage.

That 30K could have been used by the OP to retrain. But no because "HES allowed to make mistakes. Fucking penis worship.

It seems very late for this discussion to be happening, was your DH fully onboard with you cutting your hours when you had children or not increasing them again when they started school.
My DH and I had a conversation when I was pregnant where he admitted that his biggest fear was that I would refuse to go back to work. We are both high earners and could just about manage on one salary without having to move house but we live in an industry where redundancy rounds are common and it would have put a huge amount of pressure on him to keep us afloat. He recognises that me returning to full time means he needs to do 50% of the home stuff and he pretty much does - including some (less than I’d like!) of the mental load.
After DC2 arrives we’ve agreed that I’ll apply for reduced hours to 80%, it will have a slight financial impact despite meaning no childcare for 2 DC those days.
My mum thinks it’s awful that I send DS to nursery when we could afford to be at home with him and that I am effectively working to fund a lifestyle that matters more to DH and I than DS. However this is what I agreed with DH at the start and I don’t think it’s fair to back out of it now.
You really need to have a calm discussion with your husband about what his concerns are and how you can work as a team to fix them. He may be perfectly happy to take on more at home in exchange for being able to afford a holiday or knowing that if he were made redundant or to fall ill that your home wouldn’t be at risk.

I am in the position of your husband. I earn the same as him and I support my partner earning minimum wage. It has been this way for 15 years and I totally resent him for it and have lost respect for him because of it. I was very open to him pursuing various courses for many years to try and find a career that suits him. But after him trying out countless different options and giving up and trying something else I am well and truly fed up. I do look at my colleagues who share joint financial responsibilities with their partners and don’t struggle for money and wish to God I had made a different choice of partner. This may be horrible of me and horrible to hear but I want you to know the truth so that you might take your husband’s concerns seriously. I genuinely don’t see what gives you the right to have the luxury of working part time for a pittance whilst he works full time but has to worry constantly about money. I think you should show him some respect but pulling your weight and bringing in more money to help support your family. It sounds completely unfair to me

EVERY WORD OF THIS APPLIES TO ME TOO

Considering the average is 26k? Then yes I would say 58k per year is a very livable wage

It spunds like you and your DH have fundamentally different goals and are incompatible.It isn;t easy but it doesn;t sound like either of you can compromise what you want for a mutually agreed benefit eg you working more and him picking up more of the house chores.

Lone parents running a business here with no family support for
childcare and a 12 year old with anxiety and CAHMS appts to get to have severely limited my ability to earn big money but I can support the household.

Though my 12 year old has been using the washing machine to keep his uniform and own clothes washed and dried (to be fair his ironing isn't great) for over a year - if they can work an Xbox they can work a washing machine.

You both sound a bit miserable to be honest.

You think your husband should get another job when he already contributes 50k to a 58k household income ??
Jesus

Don’t be ridiculous Helena anyone can make mistakes, man or woman

Lisasimpson OP said she never used her degree and worked in education for a bit

Why does everyone say that men who have a partner who is a SAHM to look after the kids have been 'allowed to enjoy career progression'. Maybe they don't actually want a career as such but feel they have no choice when their wife wants to stay being SAHM. Maybe he wants a bit of a break from the responsibility.

For heavens sake, why are people suggesting I ‘do some part time work’? I already work 20 hours a week! In fact the real kicker was that DH started this row the day after I’d done a day’s overtime!

I’m going to bow out of this thread now, having taken on board what even the critical posters have said. I’m afraid I should not have started this thread as my mental health is not good enough to cope with the roasting I’m getting - I know, I know, shouldn’t have posted in AIBU. My mistake. There isn’t a lot more going on in the relationship than I’m prepared to talk about here, which was perhaps a bit unfair as I’ve not given the complete picture.

Thanks for all your replies.

58K is average surely. I earn more than that and I certainly couldn’t run a house with two children on that salary.

That is more than double the average household income. Most people, including in the SE, raise families on much less than that and many on less than the average household income of 27-28K

I did actually do some retraining courses and would have loved to start my own business but DH is not prepared to support me if it takes time to make money.

Well lucky for you OP, he's supported you this far. Support him and earn more money, now, seriously! Marriage is a partnership, losing money on a buy to let sounds bad luck but he was more than likely trying to gain for the family, so well done you for paying off the jointly accrued debt. What would your DH "loved" to have done?

Yes people can make mistakes But not accepting responsibility for them is a problem Her inheritance paid for his mistake.

For everyone going on about the £30k debt that had to be paid off, OPs DH has brought in that much already this year alone.

glintandglide - poster at 22:10:39

You will have more money so can hopefully outsource some of it - cleaner, gardener, car wash etc so see what jobs you can take off your list altogether

also one earlier at 21:44, cleaner and gardener

They will be paying these home helps higher hourly wages than OP will be likely earning

£58k is of course a very livable wage but depending on what their mortgage/rent is, not neessarily going to afford the uxuries her DH would like. I'm not saying he deserves them, it's for them to work out between themselves but if I earned that much and couldn't afford oversead holidays I would consider my spouses part-time low paid job somewhat of a pisstake.

If he genuinely made a glaringly poor BTL decision then that mitigates the situation somewhat but could just be a genuine piece of bad luck.

You think your husband should get another job when he already contributes 50k to a 58k household income ??

If he wants to spend the excess on his new car because he doesn't love the one he has any more?

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit.

You take home roughly 4K a month and couldn't run a house with 2 kids?

I do this on less than your salary, I do it comfortably. Again I stress, the average household income is 27k

That 30K could have been used by the OP to retrain. But no because "HES allowed to make mistakes.

Well, this depends. Was it a joint or unilateral decision? If it was joint, then they need to share responsibility. If it was unilateral, was it because the husband just ploughed on and didn't involve OP in the decision, or was OP happy to leave it up to him so that she didn't need to take responsibility if it went wrong?

I don't know the situation, so I'm not making any assumptions. I'm just saying that we need more information on this before we can say whether or not the husband somehow owes OP for paying it back out of her inheritance.

"Perhaps what I meant more is that’s I don’t think we are struggling for money, whereas he does - it’s about perception maybe."

On a £50k salary, you should be able to buy a sandwich from Pret without struggling. The trouble is, it's £50k between 2 adults. It's £50k between 4 people!

"I just think that if he’s that desperate for more money, he could look for another job. But he is very set in his ways and even though he was offered a better job a couple of years ago, he decided he didn’t want the stress of it."

He's already stressed - he wouldn't be waking you up at 3am if he wasn't. And you think the solution is for him to make himself more stressed? You do realise every human being has a breaking point? And when they break, they can't earn any money?

Why must the solution be that he earns more money? Why can't you? You have a degree behind you. You're certainly capable of it. Why must it be him to always carry this burden of responsibility?

"He has been on at me about my earnings for a very long time. I feel it is something to berate me about, rather than a genuine concern about providing."

It sounds like you either don't believe how he feels, or you don't know. Have you ever had an honest conversation at a normal time of day and tried to understand how the other person is feeling?

"Also I fully intend to increase my hours in the next few years, I just don’t appreciate being blamed for his perceived ‘poverty’."

But you are the reason he has less money. You're a household, he's earning £50k and you're earning £8k. If he was earning £50k and you were earning £16k, there would be more left over. Regardless of how you split the extra £8k, he would still have some additional spending money/savings.

You're earning less per hour than him because you've chosen to do a job you enjoy. Generally, the more you like your job, the lower it tends to pay...

You don't seem willing to change. And the sad thing is, if you don't, then something has got to give. He may have a breakdown. He may divorce you. He may have an affair and then you divorce him. You can't possibly expect to continue the way things are and expect your marriage to survive. He's warning you he's unhappy. Listen to that warning.

"I’m afraid I should not have started this thread as my mental health is not good enough to cope with the roasting I’m getting"

What about his mental health, doing a full time job that is keeping him up at night?

It really doesn't sound like you're a partnership, and it doesn't sound like you want to be.

No-one supported me when I started the business. HOw much support do you need, just get on with it 9unless it's something which requires a great deall of capital. Yuo should be able to have a go on a smaller scale now with a part-time job.