To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

And it's much nicer and easier to work in a job that pays 50k, if you don't have to worry about doing anything at home. Imo he needs reminding about how jammy his life actually has been, while OP has been working pt and doing everything else.
Does he even wipe his own arse?

I’m with you OP, you’re not materialistic so you don’t need the fancy car or anything expensive. You are obviously comfortable with money not struggling. You’re better off enjoying your job & having less money & having the time to spend with your children.

Tbh I think he has a point. If he were going to understand and take on the subsequent responsibilities of you 'joining the work force' then fair enough. I could not see myself stressing out over money whilst my husband was happy enough pottering about on 8k a year.

Not RTFT but I am in the same situation as you. If my husband had the audacity to say those things to me, he would get full barrels about the actual situation of things and not his fantasy account of things. My husband made some flippant comment once about how little I contributed. So I went to my mums. At tea time. And left the kids with him. I'm quite lucky that he usually appreciates what I do (and me him) but I don't tolerate his flippant comments, however 'light hearted' they are

I'm the breadwinner in our family. I earn £60k, so similar to OP's husband. DH works part time and earns relatively well but we don't have much left from his salary once childcare for the days he works is paid for.

I really don't feel stressed about being financially responsible for the family, and I definitely do not resent DH. Our youngest DC has health issues and I'm just grateful that my higher salary has enabled one of us to go part time and care for him. We don't have holidays and our house needs work that we can't afford, but we live comfortably. We eat well, have days out and there are gifts at birthdays and Christmases.

But I think it helps that I am in a secure job that I do enjoy. There's opportunities for progression so it was a sensible decision for me to be the one to focus on my career. Doesn't sound like the OP's husband feels the same way.

AIBU? Yes you are. No I'm not. Yes you are. No I'm not. And so it goes on. If you won't accept you need to earn more, or accept you might be wrong, there's no point anyone replying.
OP has them posted increasing further criticism about her DH that she hopes might garner more support for her views.
Be honest OP. You like DH earning the money so you can still do your lifestyle job. Very nice if it works and everyone's happy but with DC of 12 and 14 your DH is fed up of enabling that. Maybe one day he'd like to retire! You're not working as a team and your DH is losing respect for you. He's not gone about it the right way but why wouldn't you agree to do what you very clearly could to alleviate the full burden on him.

*could hire a cleaner, but what about all the rest of It?

Doing homework with the kids. Making their lunches. . Organising and attending play dates. Organising and attending family meet-ups. Picking up toys. Sorting their rooms after they've been playing*

The kids are 12 and 14. These are things they should be doing for themselves.

Reading their school letters, getting them to the right places at the right times. Keeping track of medical appointments. Buying them new shoes/clothes every few months as they grow like crazy.

Realistically, how much time do you spend on average a month doing these things?

Shopping for food. Meal planning. Cooking. Cleaning up after dinner.
You'd have to do this even if you were single with no kids.
I honestly think that you are exaggerating the "mental load". Do you think there is no mental load to being the sole breadwinner? Stop pretending to be a martyr and discuss division of household labour between you, your husband and your high school age kids like an adult.

If I were you, I'd start looking for another job fast. Your 8K a year + child support won't keep you in your preferred lifestyle when your husband has finally had enough and leaves.

Yabu

OP you seem convinced your husband won't pickup any of the extra work at home.

Can you get the kids looked after and sit down with him, maybe with a drink or something and have it out once and for all -

He needs to prove to you that he could pick up some of the slack if you went back to work. That means showing you that he has an understanding of all the jobs you do. Everything - all the organising and planning etc as well as the practical stuff. He needs to commit to what he will do. And start doing it at the weekends to prove to you it's not just empty promises

You will have more money so can hopefully outsource some of it - cleaner, gardener, car wash etc so see what jobs you can take off your list altogether

He also needs to acknowledge his part in the family not having any savings or enough money for holidays etc. Like the bad investment. And say how he will change this going forward. If you're working harder out the home, you need more control over finances as well as he doesn't sound great with money

He also needs to acknowledge how horrible his comments about not marrying you were. Whoever you marry there can still be things that stop people working.

You need to acknowledge to him you understandhow stressful it is being the (almost) sole breadwinner and how stressed he seems

You also both need to discuss it with the kids. They might be happy to have a bit more time in the holidays, and do a fee more household jobs, to trade off with going on holiday more. Or they might say they need you at home right now but can review again in a year.

Once you've got all this out in the open maybe the way forward will be clearer

Yabu not to want to try for higher paid jobs (it’s your responsibility too) but your husband is unreasonable to think you can easily find one. You may be stuck in low paid work for a long time and intelligence has nothing to do with it. You may be better off sticking with the 20 hours and retraining part time in something more lucrative.

What burden? OP does everything at home, including looking after a child who has anxiety. He goes to work and does FA else. He still has holidays etc.

Kate The dc became anxious this past year. He's not the reason she's against FT or higher paid work. She only mentioned it well into the thread when she wasn't getting the replies she wanted!

She did not take a step back from her "career" to support him, read her opening post. Despite the benefit of a university education she didn't like teaching so did a few low paid jobs until dc came along.

Let's not martyr the Op here just because she's a woman and a mother, she doesn't have it too hard and in fact many have it much tougher.

She's someone who's comfortable in her "role" and reluctant to change that, probably understandable but that doesn't justify her expectation that her current lifestyle carries on indefinitely leaving her husband little option but to continue as he is despite his obvious unhappiness.

She'd be better off if he leaves - he sounds horrible.

“My husband made some flippant comment once about how little I contributed. So I went to my mums. At tea time. And left the kids with him.”

@puddleduckmummy you’re husband doesn’t know how to give his children dinner? Was he that dim when you met him?

Your title - to work full time to fund DH preferred lifestyle...

Isn't this what he does for you?

@choli

It was me who said that stuff, not the OP. And it was in response to another poster who thinks that working households simply hire someone to deal with all that.

My kids are 5 and 6. Not near teenage and cannot do any of that stuff by themselves. I don't have a husband. I've been a single mum since my youngest was 4 weeks old. Have done it all by myself. And I run my business and work full time.

I do not agree with the OP, but I also do not agree with the poster who thinks she can just hire someone to do everything so both parents can work full time. All that stuff, and more, still needs doing.

But perhaps it's more about differing and indeed incompatible life-views IWannaSeeHowItEnds. Her husband is clearly on a separate page and going to work to keep a family afloat is not just simple business and thereafter doing "FA else". It also brings with itself a set of mental challenges and fears because quite literally you are the only provider.

If my husband wanted to discuss reigning in at work a bit as the pressure was getting to much then I would of course listen to him and respect that. Marriage is team work. Some couples are happy with one spouse to stay at home and subsequently they each shoulder the various burdens but like I said there's no way I'd tolerate the stress of financial worries because my husband gets clothes from e-bay and isn't 'high-maintenance'

I think all sorts of job/pay scenarios work for different couples/single adults. Some couples would be happy in your situation and some not. The point is really that your husband isn't happy. He's very stressed and resentful. So you need to address that.

The whole running the house/stress excuse is a red herring. It's just life and you adapt/prioritise and fit in what you can when you work full time. (Eg I never wash the car!)

I think your dh is giving you a very clear message that he's unhappy and if you want your relationship to survive you need to listen to what he's saying and talk together about how you can change things and move forward so that you both feel happy.

@NaomiNagata
I know it was you, but this is the same sort of thing the OP is spouting.

Something is off here if you are comfortable but he's stressed about money. Is he in debt? Gambling? Are your finances joint or separate?
His comment was totally uncalled for and I doubt he realises the extent of unpaid work you do at home. I can understand his frustration though that you are earning so little with a degree and post grad qualifications. Can you increase your hours. Job satisfaction is very important so I don't think you should change jobs necessarily but increase your hours and make sure you are being paid fairly as other pp suggested it wasn't even minimum wage. Maybe you could take a second job to increase the household income?
Unfortunately some men can be very resentful of women who they perceive as doing far less than them and bringing far less into the household. Is he worried that if you divorce you'll be entitled to half his pension?? Something doesn't add up.

You both seem to have different priorities, different outlooks on life, and neither party seems to want to compromise. I also think he is in greater financial difficulty than he’s letting on.

I’m a SAHM (younger kids, though: 4 and 6) and if my husband ever said that the arrangement needed to end because of financial issues, then that would be it—I’d be job searching until the cows came home.

This sounds like a man starting to think about leaving. If i were you I would base my decisions on what you’d need to earn to run the two households. See what your position is pre and post maintenance period. If it’s still 8k then stick your heels in- you’re clearly not taking his feelings on the matter on board and feel he’s being unfair. if you’d need more than 8k then start making plans to be capable of independence asap. Do it for you not him. This does not sound like a happy marriage. Hopefully this is just the stress of everyday life getting on top of you both and maybe counselling would work well. Good luck

He needs to prove to you that he could pick up some of the slack if you went back to work. That means showing you that he has an understanding of all the jobs you do. Everything - all the organising and planning etc as well as the practical stuff. He needs to commit to what he will do. And start doing it at the weekends to prove to you it's not just empty promises

This.

Who says to their wife that they would be happier if they'd married someone else, on account of said wife's earning? That's a fucking horrible thing to say.

^This

58K is not a lousy income for a family, even in the SE. He has been content to sit back and let the OP do everything for 20 yrs down to washing his underpants and putting food in his mouth. He does enjoy a lifestyle most people would appreciate including an expensive hobby and weekends away enjoying that hobby whilst wasting large amounts of money through bad money management.

Its reasonable to have a discussion about shared responsibilities, frankly after 20 yrs of not lifting a finger in the house I wouldn't be changing my hours or flexible job until I saw evidence he was going to do his share at home. I'd also want to see better money management to be sure any extra income wasn't going to be lost in bad decisions.

If he is actually worried about being made redundant or sacked then its a bit different but otherwise its a shitty thing to say to your partner of 20 yrs and implies he thinks she has had an easy life - a common assumption by partners who do bugger all on the home front.

Amazed at the number of posters who think someone in the OP's position can swan into a job which will pay for cleaners and gardeners and transform their lifestyle

@glintandglide didn't say he didn't know how. Just left him to the battle of what they were having, on what plate with what cutlery and what drink they were having in what colour cup. He'd never negotiated meal times alone before as I'm always there and do most of it. Just thought he would like to know it isn't always as easy as merely 'giving them dinner' because they like to throw spanner's in various works. Besides on the day it happened, I'd had enough of 'she looked at me' 'he touched me' so it probably wasn't all his fault tbf. He's definitely more helpful at meal times now!