To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

@choli

But it was not in response to the OP. It was specifically to one poster who claims that mental load isn't an issue because most working households hire out. I was asking her who I can pay to do all that for me.

It's a separate point from the OP. As I said in my previous comments, I do all of that and everything else, and I'm the only earner so I think her excuses are pathetic.

But mental load does exist and you can't just hire out to have it done by someone else. Nothing to do with the OP; just directed at the poster saying that we can pay for it to be done.

Iwannasee - husband has the stress and pressure of being the main breadwinner. It means he can’t play as many risks as others could (promotion at new company presents risk of probationary period and loss of rights at old company) or take a different direction in a less well paid role. He also faces risk of redundancy. He may also just feel frustrated that it’s all on his shoulders to provide for the family and everything they want and need materially ie the son’s desired phone.

I think you're taking The piss. He works full time to support you and the kids, is stressed about money and you're fannying around in a job that pays eight grand a year whilst eating the bread he puts on the table and living inder his roof.

Get a job. He will of course need to do more when you work more hours. But right now he doesn't need to as you use it as a way to get out of working properly.

Seriously. Get a job.

OP would actually be better off if he left, he sounds like he wants to leave anyway, she would obviously be due half of everything including his pension

OP I don't think you should work ft if he doesn't pull his fair share and is just ranting.

I do think there are a few trigger warnings though that you need to get to the bottom of. It's not normal to wake up at 3am to have a convo about money so he's stressed but what is making him stressed? Has his run into debt and is hiding it/doesn't know how to sort it so is lashing out and trying to cling on? You need to have a calm discussion about where this is coming from.

I say from experience my dad hid unpaid tax bills and accountants letters from my mum for about 5 years originally started due to depression. It spiralled so much that he was made bankrupt and the house was reprocessed by the bank. In the lead it because he was hiding it he said to my mum why did she switch careers etc. They are still married and thankfully joint names on the house so they got something.

It doesn't mean that you're DH is the same it's more just understanding what's behind it all.

I take it that all the posters berating OP for doing a low-paid job in the arts never go to museums or galleries? Or go to the theatre? Or listen to music? Because it’s the low-paid (sometimes even unpaid!) arts graduates keeping those industries running.

I work full-time in the arts (and I work bloody hard for my 20k a year) and I’m willing to bet that a good number of the posters turning up their noses at ‘fun’ jobs in the arts have been to the institution where I work at some point in their lives, enjoying the fruits of plenty of low-paid labour!

Well - you are doing a job you enjoy and you made a choice not to teach years ago because you didn't enjoy it. You are able to do this job you enjoy because dh earns £50K. That makes you extremely fortunate.

Nevertheless, dh does need to realise that if you DO end up working more hours, he may well have to do more around the home, which may come as a shock to him. Saying all of that, I am the main breadwinner of our household and an absolutely fine with that (I have a partner but went through a difficult divorce a few years ago and choose to own and finance my own house). The point is that you can fit a hell of a lot in to your life, that is, many people do work full time AND run their household.

Having said all of that, I sense a great deal of resentment from your dh and the statement about marrying someone in his industry would be a massive, massive red flag for me. He needs to be very clear about what he resents - it may 'just' be the financial situation (which is an issue, but could be sorted) but could it also be something else? Some serious discussions are needed.

I'm the breadwinner in our family. I earn £60k, so similar to OP's husband. DH works part time and earns relatively well but we don't have much left from his salary once childcare for the days he works is paid for.

I really don't feel stressed about being financially responsible for the family, and I definitely do not resent DH. Our youngest DC has health issues and I'm just grateful that my higher salary has enabled one of us to go part time and care for him.

I’ve been the main breadwinner and it was fine. I don’t know why people make such a fuss about it on here. There are single mothers all over the country who do without asking for a medal.

In OP’s DH’s position, I’d be grateful there was someone to do everything at home. I know, as I suspect he does not, how much bloody work it is. And how much stress is saved by not having to think about it.

Arghhhh weird auto correct! Repossessed and in the lead up sorry!

And if that was my husband farting about in an eight grand a year job and refusing to pull his weight financially and arguing he was needed at home, I'd be telling him to stay there as me and the kids are off.

Indeed chajazam £58 k won't go far between two households if it comes to that. That's not to say it will but it's the kind of simmering resentment that causes damage so...

I think Op needs to start being realistic about how she sees the future. Her current stand seems to indicate she expects him to provide financially for ever.

My DP is the main breadwinner in our family and I work part time for very little money. I do however have primary age children and no help with childcare. I'm currently due to start a degree in order to progress my career as soon as the children are at secondary school and can be left alone. I think yabvu OP.

No one thinks OP can swan into a job for paying for cleaners or gardeners- she has barely a hope of that. But by working full time she could earn double what she does now.

i couldn't be with someone who earned so much less than me!
Wtaf? Seriously!? What a shallow individual you are

He sounds like a very tired, stressed and unhappy man.
And you are ignoring that. I hope he leaves you.

lisasimpsonsaxophone read the thread- OP has never worked in the arts. She got a degree 20 years ago and that’s it 🤣 not sure why it was even mentioned, it’s not relevant to anything

I think Op needs to start being realistic about how she sees the future. Her current stand seems to indicate she expects him to provide financially for ever

Yup and some fools encouraging her, even indicating that she'd get some form of lifetime spousal maintenance award. She'd be expected to get a job. Her husband isn't the only one who'd expect it. So would a judge..

Could you maybe do some tutoring from home?

I agree completely with KateGrey
The roasting op is getting on here is completely unjust. She isn’t a SAHP, she is already working 60% of a FT job, and doing everything at home. I believe this. I have been in exactly that position (albeit better paid and with younger children). Who knows what salary she would be on now if the tables were turned? If she hadn’t been keeping house and raising their kids, she might have put her all into starting her own business and exceeding her husband’s £50k by now.
OP I think you have serious problems in your marriage that need to addressed. The disharmony between you and DH over how you live seems stark.
I have returned to work FT, studied, gained a promotion and am on a decent salary but it’s all bloody hard. I still do 90% of everything at home. Don’t think for a minute you DH will change and do his share if you work FT. My DH is a much nicer man than the sound of your DH (based on the cruel things he had said to you), he is over the moon I am bringing in a good salary to help his financial burden, but is simply oblivious to how much I still do at home!

it sounds to me like you never intended to take your career/professional life seriously because you expected to get married and have him fund your preferred lifestyle forever.

You chose a degree that was fun and indulged your interests but was useless as a foundation for a career/decent paying job.

would have loved to start my own business but DH is not prepared to support me if it takes time to make money
well you've had at least a decade to plan it/make it happen but you chose not to.

you don't need his permission to do it.
i started working 20 hours a week in november 2017, i fit my preparation for going fully self employed around that.
touch wood i will be ready to take on clients/go live by the end of this year.
i expect to continue my part time job until my self employment starts to at least match that income wise, then i can invest those 20 hours into building up my business.

be honest - you never intended to ever go back to work full time once you had kids, which is why you're now full of excuses.
it's perfectly fine if you want a 1950's set-up - but you should have been upfront and honest with him from the beginning.

I do take the point that many PPs have made that DH is indeed funding my lifestyle. Perhaps what I meant more is that’s I don’t think we are struggling for money, whereas he does - it’s about perception maybe. I just think that if he’s that desperate for more money, he could look for another job. But he is very set in his ways and even though he was offered a better job a couple of years ago, he decided he didn’t want the stress of it.

I think a lot of PPs are projecting things onto me that I haven’t actually said. For starters, I worked full time for years before DCs. DH and I started off on similar salaries and saved for our first house, wedding etc together. I will admit that we never really had a proper conversation about division of money after DCs. He has been on at me about my earnings for a very long time. I feel it is something to berate me about, rather than a genuine concern about providing.

Also I fully intend to increase my hours in the next few years, I just don’t appreciate being blamed for his perceived ‘poverty’.

And I am awe and admiration of people who manage on their own and work full time. This isn’t about me putting down anyone else’s life situations. It’s about my own situation.

All the ranting rude people on this thread seem to work full time...

But by working full time she could earn double what she does now

Yes and with presumably 20 plus years of her working life still ahead of her there is the possibility of salary increases, promotion, retraining. Taking the view that there's no point because she can't match his salary is just ridiculous.

Whether people agree with Op or the DH she's leaving herself in a very vulnerable position should the marriage breakdown.

Sorry OP but if this was a reverse and it was a man earning 8k a year part time with teenage kids he would be called a cocklodger.

He's asking you to share the pressure of paying bills, mortgage, food, kids, saving fir the future - not funding an extravagant lifestyle.

It's really not unreasonable now your kids are 12 and 14, how much childcare do you need at that age?

8k is very low for a graduate, you don't have to do a job relating to your degree, most people don't.

Or if you enjoy your job can you not do some extra hours with the rest of the week, eg private tutoring, TEFL?

It was said upthread that if OP worked full time or got another job, they could have a gardener, cleaner and car washer.