Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 10 11 12 ··· 39 40

Original poster

To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

999 replies

Smoothsailing9 · 22/08/2018 19:51

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

OP posts:

SciFiFan2015 · 22/08/2018 21:52

I think you should work more hours (or find a higher earning job) for yourself. How old are you and how much do you have in your pension pot? However much it is, it probably isn't enough. (You mentioned earlier you had some savings in a pension)
Employers pay %age into pensions, if you earn more then that figure goes up as would any %age contribution you make.
Earn more for yourself with the probability the whole family will benefit.

Other discussions need to be had:
Budgets set
Financial goals agreed
Balance all tasks for running the household and caring for everyone in it

MouseholeCat · 22/08/2018 21:54

I think you and your DH need to set aside time to have a reasonable conversation about his financial worries and the logistics of you working more hours and earning more, and him increasing his domestic burden.

If he's waking you up in the middle of the night about this and regularly raising it then he's clearly really stressed. It doesn't sound like you're working together on an issue which arguably should be shared.

I don't buy into the argument that having an at-home/part-time parent (beyond nursery years) equates financially to the market value of services rendered as some PPs seem to suggest. I know plenty of families with 2 FT working partners who manage all their chores and life admin without paying anyone.

RingtheBells · 22/08/2018 21:55

A lot of jobs are poorly paid, as the minimum wages goes up it catches up with other jobs which should be better paid but aren’t, I have a pt admin job and get about £10.50ph which is good compared with most. This is the real world. Not everyone lives near a Uni to do Uni admin which sound like it pays more

Namelesswonder · 22/08/2018 21:55

My DH is main breadwinner (he earns £97k, I earn £35k for 30 hrs a week) and he feels the stress of earning the majority of the money and worries about what the family would do if anything happened to him ( we have insurance obviously!) but the point is that to be the sole or majority earner, regardless of the sums involved, is stressful!

ichifanny · 22/08/2018 21:55

To be honest I’d be stressed out if I earned 50k a year but had to scrape by while my spouse earned 8k a year , are your kids not at school ? Or are they babies ? I don’t see why you get a free pass to work a low paid part time job I think he onus is on both parents to bring in family income unless you are both in agreement and prefer to make the sacrifice for time or childcare .

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/08/2018 21:55

I cba to read this whole thread given the flaming that the OP is getting but I think he is being a shit.
Who says to their wife that they would be happier if they'd married someone else, on account of said wife's earning? That's a fucking horrible thing to say.
Her unpaid labour makes her contribution as valuable as his. If they were splitting the domestic work 50/50 he might have a reason to be unhappy, but given that he doesn't even open his own post, let alone do anything else, he hasn't got a leg to stand on.
Hr might have more money if he didn't lose it on dodgy buy to let investments. Which OP used her inheritance to pay off!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 22/08/2018 21:55

OPs DC is struggling with anxiety and she was able to give him her time and attention which is fantastic.

Yes Isaw but this is not the reason she's never returned to FT working or sought a higher paid job, it's a this happened, it was great I was able to be around. Which is true but had she been in FT employment they would still have had to manage the situation, just as many working parents do.

I'm not trying to diminish the Ops contribution or her care for her dc but let's not make out she's dealing with particularly unusual or unmanageable circumstances here. There are MNers parenting children with SN while also being solely responsible financially!

Fang2468 · 22/08/2018 21:55

jenna43 Mental load = just remembering shit you have to do.
It’s not onerous, it’s not equivalent to any paid work, we all have to do it, it’s simply part of being a grown up.
Makes no difference if you pay a cleaner, gardener, bin washer etc.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 22/08/2018 21:56

jenna43 two parents working full time do not normally pay someone else to do all the housework/gardening/‘mental load’! Most 2 working parent families are not bringing in £££££ they just do their full time jobs and also everything else. You tend to take the time you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. What other choice is there?

ichifanny · 22/08/2018 21:56

Both myself and husband work full time , even though it’s shift work and both contribute to the household chores and childcare .

MrsSteptoe · 22/08/2018 21:56

Poisongirl81 it's 20 hours, not 16 - it actually comes out slightly below MW, so I imagine OP rounded off some figures somewhere along the way.

rainingcatsanddog · 22/08/2018 21:57

I have teens of a similar age and they know how to cook a few meals, work the dishwasher and do some laundry. I'm a working single parent and the kids understand that they have to pitch in. They will (probably) be off to uni so need to be ready to live with other people.

My teens enjoy alone time rather than organized activities. My 15 year old has spent most the day listening to Ariana Grande in her room while her younger brother has been in and out of the house and playing PS4. We have done some family activities this summer but it's once or twice a week really. Coupled with your story about your h not opening his own mail, I can't help but wonder why you have babied your h and children. If you go full time (or at least increase your hours to 30+) everybody will be affected but it's no bad thing for your h and kids to pitch in more.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 22/08/2018 21:57

God there are some obnoxious gits on this thread.

roboticmom · 22/08/2018 21:58

Wanting and being able to stay at home with children- even into their teens is a beautiful thing. Part time work is a nice compromise.

I think you should have a quiet, calm conversation letting him know how important it has been to you and your children to have the set up you have had for so many years. Does he not think it has made an impact? Then maybe you can hear what he feels about it, calmly. Then see if together you can come up with what changes need to happen. And what goals you can have together.

Stating the reasons of being a SAHP isn't 'having a go' at working parents. It's hard to state the reasons for your decision without making someone feel bad- the pro-working posts make me feel that way. Everyone has their own circumstances and priorities- it's hard when you've organised your life around these and you realise it might all have to change.

Hope you come to a solution OP!

tildaMa · 22/08/2018 21:59

To be honest I’d be stressed out if I earned 50k a year but had to scrape by while my spouse earned 8k a year

You have a very interesting definition of "scraping by".

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/08/2018 21:59

Also free childcare which comes from her side of the family is something that he beneffitted from as a result of being married to the OP. It counts as her contribution, if he is going to be shitty about who has contributed more. If you'd both bern working ft and he'd had half the cost of childcare, he would have paid thousands.

Artichoke18 · 22/08/2018 21:59

fang I would agree the mental load should be part of the world of any adult, but it simply isn’t is it? It’s part of the life of almost every woman in a relationship though, that’s for bloody sure.

KateGrey · 22/08/2018 22:00

He sounds resentful. What people seem to have missed is the OP has a child with severe anxiety. And that is not easy. It’s not as simple as just getting them to toddle off to schoo. When the kids were younger her DH was probably happy to hand all the kids stuff off to her. So he doesn’t have to alter his life. OP has taken a step back with her career to help support him and cover the home stuff (that no one ever adds financial value to) he wants to get her back into full time work. Don’t underestimate how hard supporting a child with anxiety is. I have two child with Sen. I gave up work. I work part time now self employed after seven years and it is quite exhausting. My dh supports that. But I do all the house stuff and Sen stuff.

rainingcatsanddog · 22/08/2018 22:01

I say fuck him OP. What has happened to Mumsnet?!

I speak from experience of my h leaving me to say protect yourself financially. If the h has been complaining about this for a long time, it could end up as the reason that he leaves her and she'd end up having to work full time anyway. I'm not saying that working full time will prevent him leaving but not addressing grievances breeds resentment.