Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 year old taking 12 year old on 4 trains aibu?

403 replies

lilypoppet · 21/08/2018 20:36

Without asking me,.my DH, Mil and 18 year old daughter have organised for the 18 year old to take my 12 year old daughter to Lincolnshire on their own. We live on West Sussex. This involves a long journey of 4 trains, including underground across London. I must stress DH isn't.going with them and I have not.been asked. I don't even know which station they'll.be picked up from. I have been given no information. They have already bought the tickets. What can I do?

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 21/08/2018 22:01

Eeek Grin

KnotsInMay · 21/08/2018 22:04

OP, 5 million tune journeys a day.
A huge % of those of us living and working in London on 7/7 were on the tube that day!

And actually the tube had many, many more helpful passengers than nutters. I have never seen anyone wait more than 2 seconds with a buggy or heavy luggage before someone offers to help them carry it up any steps. All day every day, people giving helpful advice to tourists and the lost.

Give your children tne C.L. fidence to do this, and learn independence.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 21/08/2018 22:17

Sorry but this is really quite silly. No wonder no one told you anything...

You really need to get a grip so that your irrational fears don’t spill over onto your children. It’s perfectly fine and you don’t need to do anything!

toothtruth · 21/08/2018 22:20

I used to live in London when I was 12 and regularly get the tube alone.... during the day I really cant see the worry? They are one of the most well policed places in London.. they even have security cameras which run every face that comes past them against a criminal check list, in many of the busiest stations now...
I understand if the 12 yo doesnt regularly travel on the tube it could be scary for her as it gets very crowded.. but her 18 yo sister is well old enough to be responsible for her.

I think you are being incredibly over anxious.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 21/08/2018 22:22

Ok I get why you’ve developed this anxiety but really, you cannot let your fears consume you like this. You need to let your children live confidently and assertiveky, and they learn that by taking appropriate steps to independence. Of which this is a perfect example.

StarUtopia · 21/08/2018 22:22

knots erm..seriously? The only place I have ever been in the world where no one will help you with luggage!!! Most unfriendly bloody place I've been too (comparing with New York and Sydney in particular)

toothtruth · 21/08/2018 22:22

and my dad was travelling by tube during the 7/7 bombings... luckily he was late and was not actually on the train which exploded... but he was on the same line. It was obviously horrendous but people, including him were using that line again as soon as it reopened to get to work.
Its so rare that tragedies like that happen and they could happen anywhere... You cant live your life terrified of these things

Altwoo · 21/08/2018 22:31

OP, you might want to consider counselling for your anxiety.

The tube is very safe, used by very normal people, and they are travelling through a very popular station. There are staff everywhere.

You are also conflating your worry with a dislike for your MIL - they are not related. It is not unreasonable for her to think they can travel to her - because they can.

The best thing you can do for your children is give them confidence and freedom. You should be so happy they are happy to travel!

NigellasGuest · 21/08/2018 22:31

I would say it's safe even late at night TBH

StrawberrySquash · 21/08/2018 22:37

Tube is dead easy to use because the map is simple. As a non London teenager i would use it without a second thought when visiting. Proper trains are more complicated if anything because the routes are less obvious, but with a smartphone much easier than when I was a teenager.

OutPinked · 21/08/2018 22:40

I used to travel down to London from Leeds to see my Dad on the train at that age, alone. YABU, what do you think is going to happen exactly?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 21/08/2018 22:40

I hate my MIL.with a.passion because she makes no effort to make their journey any easier

You really hate her for this reason? Maybe she feels you baby them too much and wants to encourage their independence.

Perhaps they want the adventure, I quite like the train.

Agree she could pick them up at Doncaster but that wouldn't help with your tube fears. I don't think expecting her to pay is reasonable. Do you pay for her transport when she visits you?

ThinkingCat · 21/08/2018 22:41

Is it the journey or just that you don't want them to visit their grandmother?

How would you feel about a similar journey if they were going to stay with one of your favourite relatives?

I do think it is a strange set-up for you not to be involved in the discussion though.

smallchanceofrain · 21/08/2018 22:46

What can you do?

  1. Pack them some snacks.
  2. Make sure they have enough money for contingencies.
  3. Encourage both to remember to ask a uniformed member of staff for help if they get stuck in any way.
  4. Calm down. They're way more likely to get killed in a RTA than blown up by a bomber on the tube.
HTH
MissLingoss · 21/08/2018 22:48

she makes no effort to make their journey any easier

But it's a perfectly straightforward journey. If they've booked their tickets in advance, they'll have reserved seats on the train to Doncaster. How could mil make it easier?

Original poster
lilypoppet · 21/08/2018 22:52

MIL never visits us. She has made it clear she wants us to go to her.

OP posts:
Astrid2 · 21/08/2018 22:54

My mum put 12 year old me and my 10 year old brother on the train to our Grannies. We were fine!

How do you think they're going to get separated?

Stillnotready · 21/08/2018 22:56

I’m guessing here, but you are all younger and fitter than your MIL? Maybe the journey is physically difficult for her?

Menolly · 21/08/2018 22:57

At 18 I was a youth worker, which often included taking other peoples children on trains, tubes etc. As long as your 18 year old is fairly sensible and has planned the route/knows where they are going I think you are worrying over nothing.

I was travelling during the 7/7 bombings, I do get why that would make you nervous, but I can honestly say I would have been no safer and no less scared had I had someone older than me there.

MissLingoss · 21/08/2018 22:57

What can you do?
1. Pack them some snacks.
2. Make sure they have enough money for contingencies.
3. Encourage both to remember to ask a uniformed member of staff for help if they get stuck in any way.

The elder one is eighteen. I'd be worried if an 18 yo needed her mother still to be coddling her to that extent.

All op needs to do is wish them a good trip and wave them off at the door.

TheHobbitMum · 21/08/2018 23:05

OP. I suspect they haven't told you any plans or details because they knew you'd overreact. Honestly they will be fine and it's completely OK and normal

This amount of anxiety isn't normal though, can I kindly suggest having a chat with your GP? You can't been so anxious all the time, it's not fair on your DC to be limited by it and it'll be no fun for you either Flowers

Stillnotready · 21/08/2018 23:07

OP reading back over your posts I can see there is more to this than just a train journey, and I guess by now you know other people think you are being a tad unreasonable.
But it seems like this is about being overruled, feeling left out, and a deep seated dislike of your childrens’ grand mother.
Yes they should have consulted you, but maybe they knew you would have taken against the plan, and.
But only you know the back story, and whether or not you are being unreasonable.
I hope they have a safe trip and you can feel proud they managed it independently. Life skills learned and all that.

BertrandRussell · 21/08/2018 23:10

“Yes they should have consulted you,”
Why?

Stillnotready · 21/08/2018 23:18

@Bertrand I suppose consult equals discuss

Fruitbatdancer · 21/08/2018 23:18

When I was 19 I wanted to go on hols (good job so paying myself) but none of friends could afford to come, so my parents let me take my 8 year old sister! To the Caribbean! All inclusive for 14 nights! We had the best time! This is a train (or 4) across the UK, with an adult. You need to chill a little!