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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 year old taking 12 year old on 4 trains aibu?

403 replies

lilypoppet · 21/08/2018 20:36

Without asking me,.my DH, Mil and 18 year old daughter have organised for the 18 year old to take my 12 year old daughter to Lincolnshire on their own. We live on West Sussex. This involves a long journey of 4 trains, including underground across London. I must stress DH isn't.going with them and I have not.been asked. I don't even know which station they'll.be picked up from. I have been given no information. They have already bought the tickets. What can I do?

OP posts:
CurlyWurlyTwirly · 22/08/2018 09:46

*Zilla

Original poster
lilypoppet · 22/08/2018 09:49

MIL only travels if she has.a holiday. She suits herself and always.has. it's nothing to do with me.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 22/08/2018 09:49

If the siblings get on and are sensible then I wouldn't have a problem with this. I would worry, but I am a worrier, and worry every time DS goes on school trips/residentials etc but I know that this is my problem, and mustn't let it impact DS's life.

I would have been annoyed if I had not been involved with discussions about the trip.

However, I would have a problem with this if it was just the 12 year old doing it, and am surprised by the number of people who have said the 12 year old should be able to do it by themselves. To be fair I would find a journey with numerous changes daunting! So I am wondering whether people saying this live in areas where public transport is plentiful and regularly use the tube.

We live rurally, not the arse end of nowhere, but public transport is not great eg mainline railway station is about an hour's drive away and the bus service is not regular. So we tend to drive most places. DS(13) gets a bus to school but it is a designated school bus, just for his school. Can't remember when he went on a public bus (in fact can't remember when DH last went on a bus). I have tried to encourage him to get the bus with friends to go to the nearest main town, but he has never been interested, and to be fair by the time we have sorted out the logistics of getting everyone together from the various villages, it would be easier to drive!

I think DS has been to London 4 times, twice with school and I think they were taken by coach everywhere so wouldn't have used the tube. Last time we went as a family was 5 years ago, so he probably wouldn't remember how the tube system worked. He probably has been on a train twice since then, and that wouldn't have involved any changes. So he isn't really public transport savvy at all. And he isn't used to vast numbers of people milling around.

If DS had to do this journey alone, we would obviously discuss everything in detail and the 'what if' scenarios, but it would be a massive thing for him to do.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 22/08/2018 09:54

So I am wondering whether people saying this live in areas where public transport is plentiful and regularly use the tube

OP described these children as born and bred in London

Original poster
lilypoppet · 22/08/2018 09:56

A.lot of.people are.making assumptions when they don't know the full.facts. I have only discussed my concerns with DH and not.the children. They have a lot of freedom and I am not controlling at all. I merely want to be a responsible parent and would have liked the courtesy of an acknowledgement to me,. checking I was happy with the arrangements.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 09:57

Well, if we don’t know the full facts, it’s because you haven’t told us. Go ahead.

LemonysSnicket · 22/08/2018 09:58

She's an adult and it isn't particularly dangerous ... what are you afraid of?

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 10:00

It was reasonable to expect your dh to tell you what had been agreed re your 12yo (not your 18yo who is an adult and doesn't have to run every decision past you). But I really don't see why you blame your MIL for that: surely it's up to your dh to communicate with his own wife? And what I don't see is why you as the mother should have final say: isn't he equally the father?

The bit that does strike me as odd is your describing this fairly simple journey (in the company of a 12yo, not a newborn baby) as a "massive" undertaking for an 18yo. That does make me wonder about her general preparedness, or at least your perception of her general preparedness, for adult life.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 22/08/2018 10:00

Oh come on, don't give us that. You're clearly madly anxious about this, especially the tube, and I guarantee your daughters know it.

My mother didn't actually manage to curtail me much during my teen years, but her anxiety was still suffocating, as was her belief that I was mentally 5 years old and couldn't cope with the slightest complication.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 22/08/2018 10:01

MIL might not come to.the wedding.because.she does.not like doing long journeys, ironically. I am.about to become a mother in law myself and have a fantastic relationship with my future son in law. I would not dream of treating him like MIL has treated me.

OP posts:
RayneDance · 22/08/2018 10:01

Op I think any parent would want to be consulted about any 12 year old travelling no matter who with and where!!

Stepstepmother · 22/08/2018 10:02

But it wouldn't have been a courtesy check - it would have spiralled into all of your irrational fears. I'm sorry - they are irrational.

Kids of 12 regularly get the tube by themselves to school every day. The tube is just a train and actually very easy to navigate. There's always plenty of people around - and your other daughter is an adult!!

I'm sorry this makes you anxious but these are your issues, not issues with the journey. They're not going backpacking in a remote part of the world for weeks. They're travelling to Lincolnshire

Original poster
lilypoppet · 22/08/2018 10:02

I have done the journey myself and it.is pretty.exhausting. catching train after train.

OP posts:
mydietstartsmonday · 22/08/2018 10:03

The journey will be fine, it is not as bad as it sounds. One tube directly to Kings Cross. The tube comes up right into the station.
Trains to Doncaster are fine.
Make sure they have plenty of time so as not to miss the train they are booked on at Kings Cross.
It will be good for them and an adventure.

WorraLiberty · 22/08/2018 10:03

I merely want to be a responsible parent and would have liked the courtesy of an acknowledgement to me,.checking I was happy with the arrangements.

And why do you think that didn't happen?

Be honest with yourself.

SoyDora · 22/08/2018 10:04

I merely want to be a responsible parent and would have liked the courtesy of an acknowledgement to me,. checking I was happy with the arrangements

And your DH should have been the one to do that. Why didn’t he?

Original poster
lilypoppet · 22/08/2018 10:06

I.do not suffocate my children with anxiety. We have a lot of laughs and fun together. They also have a lot of freedom. One of the reasons why we left London was.becausr.my 18 year old was getting anxiety.from the things she witnessed.

OP posts:
Original poster
lilypoppet · 22/08/2018 10:09

DH is under MILs thumb and does everything she wants. Hence the disrespect in not consulting me. It happens all the time. I barely bother speaking to her now and my life is.much better when she is not in it. She suits herself.and uses DH to.get what she wants. She makes him feel guilty and that is.how she.controls him.

OP posts:
MrsChollySawcutt · 22/08/2018 10:10

"I have done the journey myself and it.is pretty.exhausting. catching train after train."

Unless your DC have previously unmentioned health conditions, they should be more than capable of coping with changing trains a couple of times.

SoyDora · 22/08/2018 10:12

He needs to grow a pair then doesn’t he?

foggetyfog · 22/08/2018 10:16

Yes YABU. Helicopter parenting at its worst.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 10:18

“DH is under MILs thumb and does everything she wants. Hence the disrespect in not consulting me. It happens all the time. I barely bother speaking to her now and my life is.much better when she is not in it. She suits herself.and uses DH to.get what she wants. She makes him feel guilty and that is.how she.controls him.”

Well, start a thread about that then. You are being sillier than it is possible to say on this one.

titchy · 22/08/2018 10:18

I have done the journey myself and it.is pretty.exhausting. catching train after train.

In that case better make sure no-one ever travels for more than an hour or two in case they get a bit tired.....

Look if you want to moan about your MIL that's fine. But don't pretend it's massively unsafe or unreasonable for one adult child and one secondary aged child travelling by trains/tube to stay with their grandparents for the weekend.

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 10:20

Again, there is something worrying about your thinking a train journey will be too much for an 18yo because you find it exhausting. If that was a reliable measurement, I wouldn't even let my 18yo go to the gym, let alone to the Reading festival.

Fun and laughter is lovely at all ages but 18yos need more than that: they need to feel that they are competent young adults, that there is a life out there full of adventure and opportunities for testing your strength, and that your parents want you to enjoy it because they have confidence in you.

Or does she have some serious health condition that you haven't mentioned and this is going to turn out a mahoosive drip-feed?

You have had said yourself that she wants to do this trip, so I don't see why her previous anxiety about London should have any relevance to this simple task of changing trains in London should have any relevance to anything.

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 10:23

Let's face it, this is the age at which young people go back-packing all over Europe and Asia, catching trains and planes for months on end. Most of their middle-aged parents would probably feel a bit past that. But why would you want a teenager to feel the constraints of middle-age?