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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 year old taking 12 year old on 4 trains aibu?

403 replies

lilypoppet · 21/08/2018 20:36

Without asking me,.my DH, Mil and 18 year old daughter have organised for the 18 year old to take my 12 year old daughter to Lincolnshire on their own. We live on West Sussex. This involves a long journey of 4 trains, including underground across London. I must stress DH isn't.going with them and I have not.been asked. I don't even know which station they'll.be picked up from. I have been given no information. They have already bought the tickets. What can I do?

OP posts:
QueenAravisOfArchenland · 22/08/2018 08:47

I don't get your objection lily? If she struggles to travel she struggles to travel, which is perfectly consistent with your daughters going to her...?

Honestly, from the outside your thought processes about this whole thing look really weird and distorted.

NerrSnerr · 22/08/2018 08:47

Just because you're pissed off with your MIL don't take it out on your children.

Are you hearing what people are saying? This train journey is not a huge deal for teenagers. If you make it out to be a massive thing they're never going to go anywhere?

Let them have their adventure, if you're like this with every journey they probably need some independence- especially the 18 year old!!

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/08/2018 08:47

Many 12 year olds could do this alone. YABU.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 22/08/2018 08:48

Your 18 year old isn't a child, and it's pretty clear that your idea of "appropriate" arrangements is fairly unreasonable. Their father set this up. Don't put it on your MIL.

SoyDora · 22/08/2018 08:50

I would have liked her to consult me out of respect as I am the children's mother and to reassure me that.she. has made proper arrangements to meet them at the other end

I assume she informed the child’s father, and reassured him? I get on well with my MIL but I don’t think she’d think to run things by us both separately. She’d discuss with one or other of us.

SoyDora · 22/08/2018 08:51

DH would then discuss with me. Why didn’t your DH talk to you about it?

ToastyFingers · 22/08/2018 08:52

unless one of the daughters has moderate additional needs this is a massive overreaction.

My sister and I lived together at 16 and 18 (I'm the oldest) and I'd be concerned if your adult daughter couldn't navigate a simple journey with her sister in tow.

SockQueen · 22/08/2018 08:53

She has consulted your DH, who is also their parent. Why does she also need to check with you? If they're happy to make the journey, don't let your fears or your dislike of your MiL get in the way.

I would have been able to do that journey on my own at 12, never mind with an older sibling to help me

Original poster
lilypoppet · 22/08/2018 08:56

Yes my daughter's want to.go.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 09:00

“I would have liked her to consult me out of respect as I am the children's mother and to reassure me that.she. has made proper arrangements to meet them at the other end.”
Why? Did she “consult” with the children’s father? Is your 18 tear old incapable of getting a bus/taxi/walking safely?

WorraLiberty · 22/08/2018 09:03

I think it's pretty telling that all of this was arranged without your input, OP.

You need to ask yourself why?

My guess is they see you as completely irrational. That's certainly how you're coming across here anyway.

ZigZagZebras · 22/08/2018 09:09

Has your 18 year old used trains alone before/taken charge of where to go on the tube before? She might find it a bit stressful if not but as long as you explain to check the departure boards on the normal train and speak to a staff member at the tube to check which one to get she'll be fine.

I can understand your worrying a bit and it seems strange that it wasn't discussed with you at all, but only in the same way as it'd seem strange for DP to arrange a trip away going with them without even mentioning it in passing.

CherryPavlova · 22/08/2018 09:10

Chichester to Victoria isn’t exactly high risk. There was once a chap eating M and Ms for breakfast but that’s about the worst I’ve ever seen.

You are actually doing your children a huge disservice by spreading irrational worry knickers all around. It’s not ‘a big journey’ it’s a safe train ride which will be fun. They can even visit Harry Potter.

Assumedly your 18 year old will be off to university or into work soon. Are you imposing fear and anxiety on that too? Chichester is quite sheltered compared to some areas but there was still a woman stabbed McDonalds at Chichester gate, a murder at Bosham and a fight at Goodwood Qatar racing. Problems and risk occurs everywhere and as parent it is our duty to provide them with skills to assess and respond reasonably to those risks not to look at ways to go through life wrapped in cotton wool.

At 18 many, many youngsters are travelling alone to far flung corners of the world on gap years. That’s considered a good thing for the youngsters (but perhaps less so for the countries they are ‘helping’).

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 22/08/2018 09:12

I think it's pretty telling that all of this was arranged without your input, OP.

I agree. I think your anxiety and hovering has probably gone unchecked for so long that they know very well they can't have any reasonable conversation with you about these things and will simply exclude you whenever possible.

You really need to get this in check, unless you want your daughters to get as far away from you as they possibly can as soon as they can.

My relationship with my mother has never recovered from having been the focus of her anxiety and overconteol.

MrsChollySawcutt · 22/08/2018 09:13

I think you are letting your issues with your MIL cloud your judgement on this.

Taking the journey as you have described is perfectly safe. Your DD is 18 and therefore an adult who I would hope is more than competent to escort her younger sibling.

I would let my very sensible 15 year old daughter do this with her 11 year old brother.

Think carefully about your actions here, don't let your spite for your MIL impact on your relationship with your DC. Your adult daughter would have every right to feel hurt that don't trust her to do this simple thing.

Ethylred · 22/08/2018 09:14

OP, you sound like a total nuisance as both wife and mother. Do your husband and children have to spend their time reassuring you about everything? Draining for them if they do. And grossly unfair.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 09:15

OP. I suggest you start another thread about the awful things your MIL does. You’re on a hiding to nothing on this one.

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 09:20

OP, it is 13 years since the London bombings. Any idea how many youngsters have been killed while driven in cars by their parents or other relatives? You might want to check those stats first, before you decide that your MIL's driving is in any way the safest option.

Besides, if there was to be a repeat of the bombings, what do you think your presence could do to protect them? Would you have the power to avert a bomb?

And how do you know that the next bomber would strike on the tube? Nobody has since. They've selected other targets instead. For all you know, the next target might be somewhere in West Sussex.

You need to accept that your fear of the tube is an irrational phobia and that this is something you mustn't project on your children. Your anxiety is part of your life's burden, not of theirs.

If your 18yo is encouraged to think of a simple journey by train to Lincolnshire as a "massive trip", then she is going to find a lot of things scary as she moves into the adult world. If she goes to uni, she will be surrounded by other people her age who think of backpacking through India as a normal thing. It will help her if she has been encouraged to think of herself as a responsible adult who can be trusted and has the skills to sort out an emergency.

crumpet · 22/08/2018 09:21

Bit odd that it wasn’t mentioned to you in advance, but as long as they know the route/change times they should be fine. Perhaps a word to them to be extra careful not to lose each other if they are crossing London during the rush hour, and check that they have a plan as to what to do if they do get separated, but otherwise they should be fine.

(I have a mid-teen “country bred” dd off to first gig in London soon, which will make me slightly anxious but it’s a good thing for her to do!)

AgentJohnson · 22/08/2018 09:25

Your dislike for your MIL and anxieties are seriously affecting your judgement, which explains why no one consulted you, as there would have no doubt been protracted attempts to quell your irrational fears. Has it ever occurred to you that your anxieties don’t endear you to your MIL (and the rest of your family) either.

The truth of the matter is, your children’s regular exposure to your anxieties are far more of a concern then this once in a blue moon trip.

I know you don’t want to hear it but it’s not them that has a problem, it’s you and it’s your choice to not get help, just as it’s your MIL’s choice not to appease you.

Bimgy85 · 22/08/2018 09:26

As long as one of them has a phone for contact that will be fine. I got on a plane on my own at fifteen. As long as the 18 year old is somewhat mature!

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 09:28

“As long as one of them has a phone for contact that will be fine“

Out of interest, who contacting who and why?

obviousNC101 · 22/08/2018 09:37

For gods sake Woman get a GRIP. It's not the trans Siberian express - it's a run of English trains. In England. I'm the middle of the day.

No wonder they didn't tell you if this is how you react. Poor kids will be on MN in a couple of years telling us about their restrictive and mollycoddled upbringing and how it's left them anxious and unable to function independently.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 22/08/2018 09:41

Sorry OP but I can see why they arranged it whilst you were at work. They probably wanted some freedom!

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 22/08/2018 09:46

I can see why your MIL is not keen on coming to your eldest's wedding. "Mother of the Bride"-Zika comes to mind