Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'helping' my DD at the expense of my DS

151 replies

Hotpants · 21/08/2018 09:59

My DD14 goes to Cadets. She can be socially awkward & this has been really good for her, she has made some nice friends. Her younger brother (DS12) has been DESPERATE to start and has been waiting impatiently (for over a year) until he is old enough. He can start in September and after such a long wait he is really excited about starting.
However DD has spoken to DH about how she does not want DS to join and would rather stop going... so DH wants us to find an alternative cadet thing for him to go to. I know that this particular cadets is the one that DS really wants to go to and feel that would be really unfair on him. DD's fear is that DS (who is more gregarious & makes friends more easily) would steal her friends/cramp her style. But I think that her cadet friends are good friends who would not drop her like that. Also new 'recruits' are trained together so her brother would have his own set of friends. Rather than separating them I think we should acknowledge her fear, talk to DS about being sensitive to DD's anxiety (I think he would, he knows that she finds it hard to make friends) and try to support DD through that anxiety - so that she will see that her friends will not drop her (she has made a real connection esp with one of them so I feel sure they will not). I think it would be a valuable life lesson and reinforce her self-worth to see that good friends will still like her even if she has a more socially confident brother. I also want them to have shared experiences as they are growing up.
But DH thinks I am not being sensitive to DD's social anxieties. He has likened this to my childhood where I had a beautiful perfect older sister and my parents did nothing to stop her crushing me - but the difference there was that my more confident sibling was unkind & made me feel inferior (& then my insecurities were dismissed by my parents who said what were they supposed to do, curtail her blossoming?). Is DH right, am I doing the same to my DD?
I think not because, although I think DS should be allowed to join her at cadets, I am not dismissing her anxiety and I think we should talk with DS about being sensitive to this etc.
Or am I recreating history here?

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 21/08/2018 10:09

What your the is suggesting is that you overcompensate for your dd at your ds expense. Your dd social awkwardness is her problem to overcome. You are not helping by rescuing her.

If you do this to your dd, your ds will resent you for years. My parents did that to me as a younger sibling and it affected me for years and my sis did not learn anything from what they did

Seeline · 21/08/2018 10:10

God - what a difficult situation. I don't know what I would do. All I can say is that although your DS is probably the nicest boy in the world, and would never want to hurt his sister, things may end up the way your DD fears.

My younger sister was one of those people - confident in herself. She would walk into a room and everyone would be drawn to her. I was not socially confident at all, and I suffered years of being lonely. We shared the same social circles, and I would suddenly find everyone clustered around her, and me on my own. I don't think she did it on purpose. I don't think she even noticed it happening. I'm not sure she could have done anything to stop it, apart from not being there.

PalePinkSwan · 21/08/2018 10:11

I think you’re right.

So long as your DS can be sensitive, this could be a lovely shared experience for them.

Really don’t see a group of 14 year old girls preferring to hang out with a 12 year old boy tbh, so don’t see why DDs friends would ditch her

Aprilshowersinaugust · 21/08/2018 10:19

Both dc should have the same opportunity to join. Putting pfb up there as a priority isn't fair on either of them imo.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/08/2018 10:33

No. Don't try to talk your ds into compensating for his sister. That way will lead to years of your ds resenting you.

To all intents and purposes do what you can to help your daughter overcome her anxiety but it should not become an evident truth that your son suffers as a result. He also has his own life which you as a parent should not curtail to suit another child.

It's a difficult situation but I'd let him crack on. Don't put out his flame because that is in effect what you'd be doing even if you want to dress it up as him being 'understanding of her needs'.

KurriKurri · 21/08/2018 10:46

I wouldn't stop DS going - it would be mean he's done nothign worng and he would like to do this activity, he deserves the same opportunities as your DD.

Is there any way you can talk to the cadet leader about the situation? Maybe then they could make sure your DD and DS don't have to do much together, or could put DS in a group of children the same age as him when he starts so he's in his own 'group'

Realistically as someone has said - it is unlikely that a group 14yr old girls are going to want to hang out with your DS - any more than he would want to hang out with them. He'll want to be with the kids his own age.

But I think our DD saying she will leave the group if someone joins that she doesn't want to join (whether her brother or anyone else) is a panic response and going along with what she wants isn;t going to do her any favours in the long run.

sashh · 21/08/2018 10:49

Are they at the same school? If so then how do her school friends react to her brother?

I think I'd let him start and keep an eye on things re friendships.

Bluebelltulip · 21/08/2018 10:51

Do they have any other activities that they do separately? If they go to the same school etc I can understand why your DD feels attached to somewhere that is just her domain.

Original poster
Hotpants · 21/08/2018 11:03

No they go to different schools. But she also has a sister who is at her school, so it is true that Cadets has been 'her' thing so far

OP posts:
ToothTrauma · 21/08/2018 11:07

I think you should let DD keep her activity as Just hers. If your DS is as gregarious and confident as you say then he will be happy at another group. It would be a great kindness to your DD to follow her wishes on this one occasion.

You can talk to your DS about it and get him on board as doing a nice thing for his sister etc.

MrsSteptoe · 21/08/2018 11:09

I imagine that she's got one thing in her life that she feels is hers, and that she doesn't feel awkward in, and that she shines in, and she's terrified of the dynamic being disrupted. But I don't think it'll help her to stop DS joining, because ultimately she needs to understand that change does happen, and it doesn't always mean the end of something. It's also deeply unfair on DS. DD's stuff perhaps shouldn't be allowed to impact on his opportunities, especially if he's so keen.

Piffle11 · 21/08/2018 11:12

I don't think your DS should be made to 'suffer' (not the word I wanted, but can't think of another!) in order to alleviate your DD's concerns. I think you are right, and it needs addressing rather than simply taking the 'issue' away without DD needing to try and overcome her fears. Are you and your DH always going to have to step in as DD grows up? Obviously you are not going to be able to, so helping her deal with her anxiety is the best way. My younger DSis was infinitely more confident than me (still is): we went to the same school and clubs, and we had separate friends. My friends liked her, but they hung around with me, not her. I just think that DH's plan means that DD doesn't have to face the problem, which in the long run really won't help her.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/08/2018 11:16

Can they 'specialise' in different things in Cadets, so go on different camps etc, or will they always be doing the same things together?

Original poster
Hotpants · 21/08/2018 11:21

ineedaholidaynow: I think they would do some things separately and some together. But in the 'Together' activities there would be a range of ages so I expect that if necessary she could stay with her friends and he with his, although it is true that there might be some crossover

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotpants · 21/08/2018 11:22

TruthTrauma: But he has been waiting for so long and is so excited to start at this one. I think he would resent her for not wanting him around and resent us for colluding with that.
Also in a way wouldn't we actually be denying DD an opportunity to overcome these social anxieties (which I think are unfounded because I honestly don't think her 14 year old friends will drop her for her 12 year old brother)?
And what about creating memories together? Isn't creating a family about sometimes forcing them together, eg. family holidays even when they think they don't want to go on holiday with their sibling?

OP posts:
Cauliflowersqueeze · 21/08/2018 11:22

Explain to her that it will be like different year groups at school - they really won’t mix.

Perhaps meet with the cadet leader to discuss the anxiety?

BruceAndNosh · 21/08/2018 11:22

There will be other boys and girls starting in Spetember.
Will they steal her friends?

BewareOfDragons · 21/08/2018 11:23

If they go to different schools, doesn't each school have their own cadet programme?

I don't understand why they'll be in the same one...

MrsSteptoe · 21/08/2018 11:24

wouldn't we actually be denying DD an opportunity to overcome these social anxieties
Yes, I really do agree with you here
which I think are unfounded because I honestly don't think her 14 year old friends will drop her for her 12 year old brother
And here

I understand that it's a tricky balance, tho, OP, I sympathise. It's great that you're putting thought into it and not just dismissing either side.

Original poster
Hotpants · 21/08/2018 11:25

BewareOfDragons: This Cadet programme is not run through school. Only some schools have their own cadet programme (usually CCF)

OP posts:
happypoobum · 21/08/2018 11:29

YANBU.

DD has had the opportunity to establish a friendship group. She now needs to develop coping strategies when DS is added into the mix. I really would not stop DS from attending.

As you suggested, speak to him about DDs concerns and then step back and see what happens.

Bibidy · 21/08/2018 11:29

DS should definitely be allowed to join.

Your DD might prefer if he didn't but that's not really fair.

Plus I agree with the above that allowing her to dictate that DS doesn't join is not helping her adjust to 'real life'. She can't preserve things like Cadets as her own, it's just not possible. And if she leaves because of him joining then she needs to understand that she is cutting off her nose to spite her face.

She can always tell her brother to go away from her and her friends when they're at Cadets! I'm sure they won't be the only sibling set there so won't be unusual, and DS is far more likely to hang out with people his own age.

veggiethrower · 21/08/2018 11:30

Is the problem that it is Air Cadets or something like that and he wouldn't want to go to, say, Navy Cadets instead?
If it is the ATC for example, there may be another squadron nearby which he could go to instead. I went to ATC as a teenager and there were 3 or 4 squadrons all within a 15 minute drive.
I think I would be reluctant to let him join "her" thing but can see that he would be disappointed if he really wanted to join a particular type of cadets and then had to go to another one.

Original poster
Hotpants · 21/08/2018 11:32

MrsSteptoe: Problem is my DH says DD feels this v strongly* and that we should act accordingly, particularly because our DD has social difficulties (due to have autism test in September) and we have been having a very hard time with her

  • she talks more to him than to me
OP posts:
GrumbleBumble · 21/08/2018 11:33

How far is it to the next Air/Sea/Army cadet unit? Out small town has Army cadets but the nearest Air cadets are in larger towns - we are roughly half way between two units. Is there another unit your son could join so he gets the same experience but your daughter doesn't feel like she is in his shadow?