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AIBU?

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Original poster

'helping' my DD at the expense of my DS

151 replies

Hotpants · 21/08/2018 09:59

My DD14 goes to Cadets. She can be socially awkward & this has been really good for her, she has made some nice friends. Her younger brother (DS12) has been DESPERATE to start and has been waiting impatiently (for over a year) until he is old enough. He can start in September and after such a long wait he is really excited about starting.
However DD has spoken to DH about how she does not want DS to join and would rather stop going... so DH wants us to find an alternative cadet thing for him to go to. I know that this particular cadets is the one that DS really wants to go to and feel that would be really unfair on him. DD's fear is that DS (who is more gregarious & makes friends more easily) would steal her friends/cramp her style. But I think that her cadet friends are good friends who would not drop her like that. Also new 'recruits' are trained together so her brother would have his own set of friends. Rather than separating them I think we should acknowledge her fear, talk to DS about being sensitive to DD's anxiety (I think he would, he knows that she finds it hard to make friends) and try to support DD through that anxiety - so that she will see that her friends will not drop her (she has made a real connection esp with one of them so I feel sure they will not). I think it would be a valuable life lesson and reinforce her self-worth to see that good friends will still like her even if she has a more socially confident brother. I also want them to have shared experiences as they are growing up.
But DH thinks I am not being sensitive to DD's social anxieties. He has likened this to my childhood where I had a beautiful perfect older sister and my parents did nothing to stop her crushing me - but the difference there was that my more confident sibling was unkind & made me feel inferior (& then my insecurities were dismissed by my parents who said what were they supposed to do, curtail her blossoming?). Is DH right, am I doing the same to my DD?
I think not because, although I think DS should be allowed to join her at cadets, I am not dismissing her anxiety and I think we should talk with DS about being sensitive to this etc.
Or am I recreating history here?

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 21/08/2018 12:14

Your daughter cannot be allowed to call the shots.
Please do not deny your son.
So basically DS gets to call the shots instead? And OP should deny her daughter? Even though daughter has social issues (which she IS dealing with by actually going to cadets) And even though daughter may have autism which (and I speak from experience) means that life is going to be tough year after year and you crave just one thing to be that bit easier.
Daughter has found one thing that is hers and hers alone. Let her keep it. Son can find a different group. Just because he's been looking forward to that particular one doesn't mean he has to have it. He presumably didn't want it before DD started going so it's not like she's taken it from him.
I'm glad DH has her back, it sounds like he's the only one. No surprise that he's the one she turns to.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 21/08/2018 12:16

Sacrificing your ds' ardently-held wish to maintain your dd's environment is a sure-fire recipe for full-on relationship breakdown between the siblings.

Your dd will be the more competent one of the two there. He and his peers will be learning from her and hers. He should of course be told to be sensitive and not to muscle in on her 'territory', but it's no good life lesson to her to get what she wants in this way - she won't be able to control the composition of groups when she's an adult.

MaiaRindell · 21/08/2018 12:17

If this were me I would find a different squadron for my DS. If my DD were finally flourishing after struggling, I'd want to reinforce and nurture that. If your DS is socially active, he could potentially do well anywhere and doesn't need this particular set

Karigan198 · 21/08/2018 12:20

Why? He’s been anticipating going there for ages whilst he waits to be old enough. It’s presumably his local which will focus on local activities which is important and she’s now trying to issue demands at the Eleventh hour!

I’m sorry but you can’t just find another squadron that easily as it removes the local aspect and activities that make these things work so well!

FrancisCrawford · 21/08/2018 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Winchester89 · 21/08/2018 12:33

I would absolutely let son go. If not you are just pandering to your daughters (baseless) anxieties that she would be much better placed trying to overcome.

I mean is her 12YO brother going to really steal her 14YO girlfriends? No, very unlikely. So let him join and maybe she will realise her concerns were unfounded.

For people saying why does he want to go to this one ? I assume its the local one - and maybe even because his sister goes there?

badtime · 21/08/2018 12:33

I think you would actually be harming your daughter if you made your son go elsewhere. If he goes to the same cadets, she will see that her friends don't abandon her for him (and they won't - he's two years younger, which is an eternity at that age!)

If he goes somewhere else, part of her will still think that people would have preferred her brother (and possibly that you agreed, which is why you sent your son somewhere else).

ADastardlyThing · 21/08/2018 12:33

I get that social anxiety can be awful, been there done that and came out the other side and ime people who 'pandered' to me weren't actually helping at all, just enabling me to carry on controlling (for want of a better word) social situations, and it was a massive shock and set back when someone would say "actually, no" when I got older. I wish more people had done that tbh and made me see it was MY problem to overcome, not theirs to just put up with.

Your DS shouldn't miss out on this, tackle the problem, don't put a plaster on it which is all stopping your DS will be.

ushuaiamonamour · 21/08/2018 12:39

If your husband wants to foster an unjustified sense of entitlement in your daughter and a justified sense of resentment in your son he couldn't find a better way to go about it.

I think the social awkwardness (which doesn't sound at all extreme given what you say about her socialising) is a side issue and possibly, though I'd hope not, an excuse; it's the attitude that's the problem. Should your daughter be taught that it's okay for her happiness to depend upon others being deprived of their own? A 12-year-old has been looking forward to something with all his heart for a very long time, and now he should be told 'no, your sister doesn't want you to have it and so you won't--she's special and you aren't'?

Your instincts are right and I think your husband's going down the wrong road with the children. I do wonder how he'd react if a school parent came to him and said, 'We don't want your son to join the Cadets. Our little Eustace has social anxiety and your son might be more popular than him'.

Juells · 21/08/2018 12:40

Even if the younger sibling was another girl, I think I'd ask her to join a different group.

I can't see what the big deal is to allow the DD to have one thing that's her own.

magpie64 · 21/08/2018 12:41

Does DD suffer from anxiety as well? It often accompanies autism. It doesn't seem fair on DS at all (and he may resent you for it, as others have said, and he might resent his sister).

In the long run, it may be worse for DD - it's tough but the only way to tackle anxiety is to face situations you don't want to. You won't always be able to broker things like this for her, and if the new recruits are 'trained' in a cohort, he will probably have a different set of friends. It might be good for her in the long run to let him join. It's a shame she doesn't have a psychologist whose advice you could seek.

HelpmeobiMN · 21/08/2018 12:42

Rather than separating them I think we should acknowledge her fear, talk to DS about being sensitive to DD's anxiety (I think he would, he knows that she finds it hard to make friends) and try to support DD through that anxiety - so that she will see that her friends will not drop her

This, in the long term, would make

HelpmeobiMN · 21/08/2018 12:43

Posted too soon! Was saying this in the long term would be a more loving and helpful approach to take with your daughter

FrayedHem · 21/08/2018 12:49

It's a tricky one. I wouldn't be telling DS to be mindful of Dd's social anxiety, I'd be telling him he would need to show her the same level of courtesy and respect as if she wasn't his sister and was just a cadet with 2 year's more experience than him. Because I think it is significant she has been there longer and he isn't encouraged to see her as lesser in some way.

I don't think the argument over a shared experience holds any water unless you would send DS even if he didn't want to go.

DrWhy · 21/08/2018 12:50

You can’t just tell DS now that he can’t go because his sister doesn’t want him too when he’s been really looking forward to it. If you wanted her to have an activity of her own that he couldn’t join you should have been steering him away from it since it was first mentioned and making it clear that he had to choose something else as that was DDs thing.
Realistically she’s at much more risk of a new 14 year old girl joining and ‘stealing’ her friends than her 12 year old brother.

JustMeHere1 · 21/08/2018 12:52

I have severe anxiety - she will need to learn to live in the real world I'm afraid.

You just can't do that to your DS!
How mean and unfair would that be to him!

MinecraftHolmes · 21/08/2018 12:55

Tricky one. I had an experience with my younger sister who sounds like your DS, while I was the autistic older sibling who had to make a lot of effort to have a normal social life. She went to the same university as I did, and moved into the same accommodation that I was in. I ended up socially isolating myself because she and her fresher friends "stole the show" as it were, and she started hanging around with some of my friends. I felt like I couldn't compete with her in a lot of ways, and it made me resentful of her.

Juells · 21/08/2018 12:58

She needs to learn early in life that male needs always trump female's.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 21/08/2018 12:59

Really difficult one. In my extended family there are two siblings where the youngest just shines - he’s like a young version of ant/dec and full of joy and happiness and kindness 24/7. Everyone gravitates towards him and I feel awful for his older brother who is shy/awkward and has to see his own friends (and now, girlfriends) get mesmerised by the younger sibling. I do appreciate that the situation could be much more difficult than most would assume.
Saying that, denying DS the opportunity to join is not the answer. Not sure what will fix this, mind.

Bluetrews25 · 21/08/2018 13:01

Please show this thread to your DH and DD, OP.
She is worrying groundlessly.
a - her friends will not dump her for a 12 year old boy
b - running away from the thing that is causing anxiety will increase the anxiety not decrease it in the long term
c - any other girl of 14 could join and alter the dynamics more than a 12 yo boy. Are you going to ban any other teen females from joining?
d - he has been looking forward to this for ages, and will be sensitive to her feelings
e - he will be wanting to be friends with other younger males not older females - this is cadets, not plenty more fish, fgs
f - it will be so much easier for taxi-ing parents to do one drop off and one pick up (and my gosh they do finish late if you are an early-to-bed type like me)
g - they can both pretend not to know each other at all if it makes life easier
h - she will probably be a higher rank than him, so his superior

Need I go on?!

Karigan198 · 21/08/2018 13:01

**She needs to learn early in life that male needs always trump female's

How the heck did you reach that statement from this situation??? 😂😂😂😂

Raspberry88 · 21/08/2018 13:02

She needs to learn early in life that male needs always trump female's.
Oh for goodness sake!

happypoobum · 21/08/2018 13:05

She needs to learn early in life that male needs always trump female's.

For all we know, OP reversed genders to protect privacy. In any case, my advice would be the same regardless of DS/DD combinations.

GeorgeTheHippo · 21/08/2018 13:08

I think your approach is dead right, op.

Juells · 21/08/2018 13:12

If the OP posted about her socially anxious 14 y o DS, who was blossoming in Cadets, and was upset because he thought his 12 y o sister would cramp his style, I don't believe everyone would be suggesting that the DS should be told to suck it up. There'd be lots of sympathy and pointing out that the DS could do something else, she could learn a lesson about empathy from this.

The OP's DD has said that she'll leave if her brother joins, she's obviously very anxious. I also think it's very telling that she confided in the dad, and not the mum.