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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'helping' my DD at the expense of my DS

151 replies

Hotpants · 21/08/2018 09:59

My DD14 goes to Cadets. She can be socially awkward & this has been really good for her, she has made some nice friends. Her younger brother (DS12) has been DESPERATE to start and has been waiting impatiently (for over a year) until he is old enough. He can start in September and after such a long wait he is really excited about starting.
However DD has spoken to DH about how she does not want DS to join and would rather stop going... so DH wants us to find an alternative cadet thing for him to go to. I know that this particular cadets is the one that DS really wants to go to and feel that would be really unfair on him. DD's fear is that DS (who is more gregarious & makes friends more easily) would steal her friends/cramp her style. But I think that her cadet friends are good friends who would not drop her like that. Also new 'recruits' are trained together so her brother would have his own set of friends. Rather than separating them I think we should acknowledge her fear, talk to DS about being sensitive to DD's anxiety (I think he would, he knows that she finds it hard to make friends) and try to support DD through that anxiety - so that she will see that her friends will not drop her (she has made a real connection esp with one of them so I feel sure they will not). I think it would be a valuable life lesson and reinforce her self-worth to see that good friends will still like her even if she has a more socially confident brother. I also want them to have shared experiences as they are growing up.
But DH thinks I am not being sensitive to DD's social anxieties. He has likened this to my childhood where I had a beautiful perfect older sister and my parents did nothing to stop her crushing me - but the difference there was that my more confident sibling was unkind & made me feel inferior (& then my insecurities were dismissed by my parents who said what were they supposed to do, curtail her blossoming?). Is DH right, am I doing the same to my DD?
I think not because, although I think DS should be allowed to join her at cadets, I am not dismissing her anxiety and I think we should talk with DS about being sensitive to this etc.
Or am I recreating history here?

OP posts:

SuperVeggie · 21/08/2018 11:34

It is probably her anxiety causing it but your dd is trying to control everything here. As pp have said, what about the other children who will also be starting in September? It is far more likely that her friendship group could be disrupted by the addition of another girl the same age, than by her 12 yr old brother. Your dd cannot control who does and doesn't join a group activity. And she needs to realise this and learn how to deal with the anxiety this provokes in her. At some point for whatever reason the dynamics of her group there will change, whether that be because of new people, some people leaving, children getting older etc. She needs to have this gently explained to her so she can cope with change.

boredmaman · 21/08/2018 11:35

Why would 14 year old girls drop their 14 year old girl friend in favour of hanging out with her 12 year old brother? What 14 year old girls ever make friends with 12 year old boys?

I think you're making a huge deal of this where there is nothing to be concerned about. Of course your DS should join cadets, he has been patiently waiting a long time. You won't be helping your DD any by pandering to this silly notion.

ChateauRouge · 21/08/2018 11:35

I actually think joining a different squadron would be more divisive, because they will be rivals. At least at the same squadron, they'd be pulling together for competitions etc. It could actually be really good for them, long term, in terms of giving them unique shared experiences that they can discuss at home, reminisce about when they're older etc.

LemonBreeland · 21/08/2018 11:36

I think it would be really unfair to your DS to not let him join when he is so keen. It's not like he is ambivalent about it.

Your DD does need to learn to deal with her social anxiety and her brother should not have to suffer because of it.

Original poster

Hotpants · 21/08/2018 11:36

I should add that although she has difficulties making new friends and is having an autism test, she is not so impaired that she cannot make connections at all - she does have good friends both at school and at Cadets

OP posts:

Karigan198 · 21/08/2018 11:36

No you don’t prioritise one over the other. Her fears are groundless and she will find that out in time. Very little chance a girl 2 years older will have her friends stolen by her little brother. Just tell her you feel it won’t be an issue and let him join.

HonkyWonkWoman · 21/08/2018 11:37

Surely at 14 her friends wouldn't be interested in becoming friends with a 12 year old boy, no matter how gregarious he was.

I would let your Ds go, it will do your Dd good to see that her fears are unfounded.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 21/08/2018 11:37

Why is your DS so keen to join this particular group?

Karigan198 · 21/08/2018 11:38

Probably because some are better than others and he knows about this one from his sister.

HonkyWonkWoman · 21/08/2018 11:38

Almost identical thoughts there Karigan ☺

BobblyBits · 21/08/2018 11:40

I think you should let your DS join. You are fuelling and validating her anxieties. At the same time if it wasn’t her own brother couldn’t another kid join and do what she fears her brother will do? He’ll make his own friends and have his own crew. They could end up supporting each other. I don’t think you should hold him back.

Raspberry88 · 21/08/2018 11:41

I don't think it's ok for siblings to have a 'thing' that other siblings are excluded from, just think how many families have skills that siblings share, footballers etc...When I was a child my 'thing' was music and was in a choir. My sisters ended up joining too but even though we're close in age they always hung out with the other children who were basically in their school year. We even went on trips all together and barely spoke and kept to our friendship groups apart from one trip where I ended up hanging out with my youngest sister and it turned out we actually liked each other (!!!) and now we're really close friends, I think it was that trip that really helped that!

SassitudeandSparkle · 21/08/2018 11:42

I would be very wary of letting your DD control what her siblings can and can't do in this way. Because - whatever the reason - that is what she is trying to do. There will be other new starters in her group, what is it about her brother that makes him the only one that she will bar from the group?

ThatsWotSheSaid · 21/08/2018 11:44

You dd will have plenty of opportunities to learn ‘change happens’ this may be one of only a few opportunities she has to learn she can be successful socially.
Your NT DS has all the natural advantages in life I think you should allow her to shine.

funinthesun18 · 21/08/2018 11:44

He wants to go just as much as she does. He’s been waiting all this time to go to the club and now he can’t go because his sister doesn’t want him to go. There’s just something a little bit princessy about that I think.

OctaviaOctober · 21/08/2018 11:53

But why does he want so badly to go to that one? What makes it different from others?

I think that you should try to find him another one if it's possible. I would not risk her losing enthusiasm for the one thing she loves and having to drop out. Her confident sibling will probably fit in anywhere. I would protect the interests of the socially awkward sibling. It's so much harder for them to find a place where their faces fit.

5000KallaxHoles · 21/08/2018 11:55

I've got a similar kind of dynamic with my (albeit younger) children - more so probably because they're the same sex.

I'm very strict on the pushier one that she does NOT railroad and dominate her sister's friendships (she's the older one, slightly socially awkward herself - lots and lots of friends of her own, but determined to stick her beak into all her sister's as well... sister has taken a lot longer to make her own friendships which are starting to emerge). Generally group leaders have been very obliging in making sure the steamroller of a personality (she's lovely really - just full on with no filter or mute button) doesn't dominate - they'll put them in separate groups within the main group and even school monitor it on the playground to make sure it doesn't become too much.

I can't see the friendship group of a 14 year old girl jumping to ditch her for a 12 year old boy though but I'd probably talk it through with the group leaders to just make them aware of the dynamic that's going on. I wouldn't stop him going though.

There have been times I've held the more forceful of my two in personality terms back from starting an activity to let the less-outgoing child get established and be a bit on the footing of the "the one who knows what to do" at times - that's about as much as I've done.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/08/2018 11:55

I think a calm, and deeper discussion is in order.
Your daughter cannot be allowed to call the shots.
Please do not deny your son.

upsideup · 21/08/2018 11:56

DS should definately be allowed to join, I wouldnt even be discussing him not as he hasnt done anything wrong.
Its not 'her thing', she doesnt own it and can't controll what other people are and are not allowed to do, your DS will resent you and his sister if she always gets her own way

Tinkobell · 21/08/2018 12:00

I have one of each and a similar age gap. I would acknowledge your DD's concerns but suggest a 'trial' period of 4 sessions to see how it's going with a family sit down and review. If having DS there is causing major issues then perhaps change things. I'd also talk to him and explain he needs to keep himself to himself at the sessions. Don't deny him his chance though without trying ....,that would be very unfair and could really escalate resentment between your kids.

ExFury · 21/08/2018 12:01

I’d be really careful about not allowing him. I made that error when DD2 was ready for Brownies. She’s more bubbly and outgoing than DD1 and DD1 was really worried about it.

So DD2 went to a different pack. Her pack was less fun, there was less people that she knew and she hated it. She bitterly resented her sister.

Then when it was time for DD1 to join the swimming club we had the same issue with DD1, but also had to deal with the tantrums about how we obviously loved her less than when she explained the brownies situation... it’s quite hard to say “we felt you had a point, but this time we’re putting DD2 first”.

It sets a precedent. And DD1 still thinks that DD2 was the more popular/pretty/bubbly child who loved everything and was loved everywhere... and DD2 still remembers not being allowed to go to brownies.

llangennith · 21/08/2018 12:01

I sympathise with you in your dilemma. It's sometimes necessary to prioritise one child over another for various reasons but not in this case. They need to be treated the same and both given the same opportunities.
DS should join the same cadet group and you and DH need to help your DD deal with it.

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 21/08/2018 12:03

I would let ds join he has waited a long time to join and he really wants to. It would be unfair to deny him joining as his dsis doesnt want him to join

Knittedfairies · 21/08/2018 12:04

I don’t think your daughter should call the shots on whether or not her brother joins ‘her’ cadets! That is desperately unfair on him. If he’s sensitive to his sister’s fears there shouldn’t be a problem. If you go along with the plan to find him a place elsewhere, you’re setting yourself up for resentment on his part - understandable I think.

OctaviaOctober · 21/08/2018 12:05

your DS will resent you and his sister if she always gets her own way

I didn't read anywhere that she always gets her own way?

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