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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... DH "needs 8 hours sleep", 2 week old baby

269 replies

Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 08:38

AIBU?

My MIL has convinced my DH that he should sleep in the spare room to ensure he gets 8 hours uninterrupted sleep every night because he has work.

This has annoyed me because obviously DH has taken this straight to heart and doesn't help me at all with DS (2 weeks old) overnight anymore. We have never discussed this and it annoys me that DH wants all the benefits of a baby without the drawbacks (mainly sleepless nights).

He does not have a demanding job and his work place are very child friendly.

AIBU? I'm seriously annoyed!!!

OP posts:
annandale · 21/08/2018 10:01

Some goid and painful posts here. Flowers BigBlue.

Two things to beware of. 1. Did you actually hear your MIL say this, or is this what your DH told you she said? She might have said 'oh it's very tough isnt it, of course your dad needed his sleep so i did all the nights' or something similarly conversational, which your dh might have conveniently decided was advice...

  1. Most surgeons, medics and vets that i know, having had tgeir sleep pattern comprehensively battered to pieces by hideous clinical shifts, have made the crucial discovery that yes, you can function perfectly well in demanding roles for a long time on terrible sleep. It just feels awful and isnt great for relationships or the rest of life.
MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 21/08/2018 10:02

Bemused that so many people seem to think there's no point him being up if the baby is BF. I mean, you don't just BF a baby then do literally nothing else, do you? There's usually at least one change a night and probably more, plus the winding and the settling for each feed. none of which require the person doing them to be lactating. If someone else is doing at least some of these, that's less time the breastfeeder has to be awake. I know there are people talking about cosleep feeding etc, but they're evidently not at that stage yet.

TallGiraffe3 · 21/08/2018 10:05

Honestly- I see both sides of this but I think if you're BFing anyway you may as well just see to baby and your OH can then help you in the evenings when hes home.
Safe bedsharing and learning to feed lying down will help you no end to get as much rest as possible.
IMO dads roll at this age is do all the other stuff so mum can concentrate on recovering and feeding/looking after baby. IE he makes you breakfast before he leaves and gets your lunch prepped in the fridge for you. Cooks tea. makes sure there are snacks and drinks for you to grab etc. x

C8H10N4O2 · 21/08/2018 10:05

Can't you ask him to up his help elsewhere

DFs can help breastfed babies - they can get the baby, change it, settle it back.

At the risk of sounding nitpicky he isn't "Helping" - he would be parenting/doing some share of responsibilities. Words do matter in this area because helping reinforces the idea that fundamentally home/children are a woman's responsibility.

People telling me how lucky I was that my DH "helped" used to drive me nuts, not least because both of us worked. It just reinforced the inequalities we face.

arbrighton · 21/08/2018 10:06

Mine definitely did winding and brought muslins/ sheets etc for the projectile spit ups. But i insisted he got a solid block through the middle of the night apart from spit ups even if it was so desperately lonely and depressing and google was both my friend and enemy

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 10:06

minge

It’s all individual though isn’t it. I was happy doing that night shifts as dh was then fine evenings and weekends to help other ways.

If one of you had a good nights sleep and then steps up doing loads of the other jobs then I think that’s sensible. Each to their own

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 10:07

Yes agree helps is annoying and I probably use it. You have a point

sashh · 21/08/2018 10:07

I'd send him to live back with MIL.

Tell him you are doing the work of a single parent so you might as well have the house to yourself.

If he works from home and needs 8 hours sleep then you should be getting 8 hours sleep in the day, he can wake you up for feeds and do everything else himself.

In fact he should be doing 12 hours, but as he is 'working' you are only going to let him do 8 hours at a time.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 21/08/2018 10:10

I would tell him you need 8 hours too so what does he suggest?

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 21/08/2018 10:11

What's individual april? Not sure if you're referring to my last post, sorry. If you mean the time spent on settling etc is individual yes, some babies will eg take a lot longer to wind than others. The point remains though that a night waking involves a lot more than literally just feeding the baby. Obviously it's up to you whether or not you mind being up for the added to time to settle and change, but the important point is that it's still more time.

BasicUsername · 21/08/2018 10:12

Why the fuck are you letting his mother dictate what happens in your household?

If your H's mummy wants to dictate his bedtimes and he is happy to go along with it against your wishes, I'd send him back to live with her.

ImAIdoot · 21/08/2018 10:13

I think it's fine to safeguard the wage earner's job if you're BF, and really nobody else gets to say how demanding someone else's job is for them.

Part of the reason I'd be so up for this is that it makes your negotiating position brilliant. You can state that 8 hours sleep every night with a new born is unbelievably gruelling to achieve for him and it's ok if he needs it as long as you get 3 evenings and one full day/night off each week.

Play hard ball, you are making a big concession here.

Loopytiles · 21/08/2018 10:14

Your DH needs to grow up and step up. Good fathers parent, including at night and in the early morning.

Sleep is vital for your recovery from birth, health and wellbeing. Also your safety, and the safety of your DC while in your sole charge.

Does he really think that being tired for office work is a bigger issue than being tired doing things like cooking, crossing roads, walking up and down stairs with the baby?

Why haven’t you discussed it with him?

BigBlueBubble · 21/08/2018 10:15

Bemused that so many people seem to think there's no point him being up if the baby is BF
Mine hasn’t pooped (or needed changing) during the night since the first few weeks. He wakes, gets bf and dozes off while feeding. Several of my friends have given up bf simply because they want someone else to be able to wake up at night while they sleep.

Bezm · 21/08/2018 10:16

I didnt BF so it was easier to organise. I'd do early evening feed whilst DH made tea. After tea, I'd go to bed (9ish) and DH would stay up for the late feed (12ish) I'd get up in the night. DH would do early morning feed (7ish) while I got a shower. Weekends we took turns to have a lie in til 9 am or so.
I was able to have a nap every day at some point for a good couple of hours whils baby slept. DH obviously couldn't nap at work. He cycled to work as we only had 1 car and he left it for me to use.
It's all about give and take. Your baby is only 2 weeks old, so will be constantly feeding. You need to just spend your time feeding him. DH can do all cooking and housework when he gets home 😂😂

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 10:17

minge

Sorry no I meant what suits esch family set up. Op isn’t happy. That’s s problem. I did all the night feeds and that suited us as dh did loads of that weekends and loads in the evening.

The problem is when one partner isn’t stepping up to the plate in whatever way that family unit needs to function.

agsin stop blaming his mother it’s up to him

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 10:17

Are you ok op?

sittingonacornflake · 21/08/2018 10:22

Sounds like my partner.

Wouldn't put the baby to bed because apparently I was better at it.

Wouldn't change a nappy in public because apparently I'm better at it and he'd do it wrong.

Wouldn't do any night wakings because he's not very good at being woken up in the night.

Continued to stay up every night until 1-2 in the morning and sleep in on his days off.

Never took the baby out for a few hours to give me some peace.

Yeah. We broke up.

Rebecca36 · 21/08/2018 10:22

Quite frankly, it's not your mother in law's business. You and your husband both need sleep and your baby is only two weeks old, few parents get much sleep at that stage.

She is obviously 'old school' and has forgotten what it is like to have a young baby or maybe she had extra help. Having a young baby is exhausting, for a start your hormones haven't yet returned to normal never mind any other sort of 'getting over' you need to do.

Makes me yearn for the lying in period that women used to have years ago which is now considered out of date - but I certainly would have liked it.

Speak firmly to your ol' man and get him to do his bit, take it in turns so you both get some sleep. It won't be forever but not unreasonable for him to put himself out while the baby is so young.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/08/2018 10:24

She is obviously 'old school' and has forgotten what it is like to have a young baby or maybe she had extra help

Old school? My DF who would be 90 did his share with babies.

Its not Old School and he is an adult responsible for his own behaviour. Blaming another woman for his selfishness is not helpful

moose234 · 21/08/2018 10:25

I have a 8 week old baby, my husband works 9-5 during the day and drives about 30 mins go get to work and back, he does all of the nighttime feeds (I am bottle feeding) and nappy changing, why? Cause i do it all during the day, we don't have a spare room, so I still wake up during the night, but it's about being a team and working together

nannyCrumb · 21/08/2018 10:25

So, you're on maternity leave, he's working but he should be missing out on rest?

Is the baby breastfed? What do you want him to do?

C8H10N4O2 · 21/08/2018 10:27

So, you're on maternity leave, he's working but he should be missing out on rest?

Ah yes, maternity leave with a 2 week old baby. Just like lazing around the pool whilst someone brings you drinks, nothing like real men's work at all is it?

Hmm
apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 10:27

whats old school

Are we assuming mil is Victorian eta Confused

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 10:29

Oh yes and of course some posters stll blaming the mil not the man here