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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... DH "needs 8 hours sleep", 2 week old baby

269 replies

Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 08:38

AIBU?

My MIL has convinced my DH that he should sleep in the spare room to ensure he gets 8 hours uninterrupted sleep every night because he has work.

This has annoyed me because obviously DH has taken this straight to heart and doesn't help me at all with DS (2 weeks old) overnight anymore. We have never discussed this and it annoys me that DH wants all the benefits of a baby without the drawbacks (mainly sleepless nights).

He does not have a demanding job and his work place are very child friendly.

AIBU? I'm seriously annoyed!!!

OP posts:
52FestiveRoad · 21/08/2018 08:41

Does he help at all at weekends, let you have a lie in on the days he is not working?

Harebellmeadow · 21/08/2018 08:43

It would make sense if he has a very demanding job (you say he doesnt at the moment), or if he uses the extra energy to help you in the mornings, evenings and weekends. Otherwise it is just plainly not fair.

GandalfsWrinklyHat · 21/08/2018 08:44

What do you want him to do at night? What is your expectation?

When mine were babies and my husband went back to work I did the nights, it just made sense! He needed to work the next day!

You could go to bed erlier, he gives the 10am feed (if you ff) and you get up in the night. If you bf, just co-sleep, its so much easier and everybody sleeps, it really doesn’t matter where. Its the lack of sleep that will get you in the end! Or you can have a ‘night off’ at the weekend.

restingbemusedface · 21/08/2018 08:44

Yup, then Friday and Saturdays he looks after baby in the night while you get the lie ins

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 21/08/2018 08:45

Of course YANBU. You are still recovering from giving birth at two weeks postpartum. It's perfectly possible to do a night waking, especially if he goes to bed earlier than usual, and still be fine to work. Obvious exceptions apply for brain surgeons, air traffic controllers, drivers etc, but none of them seem relevant here.

What sort of thing would you like him to do at night? Take over one of the feeds entirely, or are you ebf from the tap and it'd be more like the odd nappy change?

Churrolicious · 21/08/2018 08:45

I’d be saying at the weekends I needed eight hours uninterrupted sleep so I’d be in the spare room at the very least.

What a knob!

BossWitch · 21/08/2018 08:45

You need to have a proper conversation with him about this. Make it clear now that you will not accept him being a half arsed parent. Patterns established now will be very hard to break later. He needs ti step up.

DameSylvieKrin · 21/08/2018 08:46

This myth that fathers need a full night's sleep to work the next day (unless they are surgeons, pilots etc.) is really very convenient for them.
I've been doing a very demanding job this year while being woken up 8-12 times per night during sleep regressions and with a little planning and going to bed early I've been fine.
Also, as the non-lactating parent I can often get the baby to sleep much faster. It makes complete sense for me to get up with her every other time.

MairyHole · 21/08/2018 08:46

My DH did this too, but he then helped on Friday and Saturday nights and weekend mornings. We also did shared parental so when he was off I did the same as him and put in ear plugs. Whether it's fair depends on whether he will reciprocate in helping you to get more rest. I do think it's pointless for both parents to be up if only one is needed, but you shouldn't do it all the time.

Laiste · 21/08/2018 08:47

I came on prepared to say YABU to be honest. My DH is a builder and if we want him to continue to be healthy and have an income he has to have a certain amount of rest. From week one i used to do the lions share of any 10pm to 6am childcare with DD when she was little.

However! The not demanding job, sleeping in spare room, MIL involvement is a different kettle of fish.

YANBU!

BlueBug45 · 21/08/2018 08:47

No you are not.

Your OH can have his 8 hours but not in one straight session. As his work is child friendly they won't mind him coming in late some days.

Your MIL needs to butt out of your relationship as modern fatherhood is different to she had to put up with 20+ years ago. Make it clear to your OH he needs to pull his weight and he isn't his father, that's unless he prefers to be divorced.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/08/2018 08:47

So he never has a night out- can't possibly if he needs 8 hours sleep a night.

The nice approach would be to say he is in charge of DS all evening until he goes off to get his 8 hours plus does all Friday and Saturday nights. Remind him you are a team and you both need to parent

The approach I'd want to take is to tell him to go and live with mummy then and make sure he does absolutely everything she says if it's so crucial that he takes all her advice.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 21/08/2018 08:49

From week one i used to do the lions share of any 10pm to 6am childcare with DD when she was little.

Even this laiste sounds like your DH was doing more than the DH here- you say 'lion's share' not all of it. Also I do think it's different for people in very physical jobs too, I'd perhaps add manual worker to the list of brain surgeon, air traffic controller etc.

Original poster
Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 08:49

DS cluster feeds pretty much constantly until about 10- 12am then I put him to sleep. Am breastfeeding but feel like he could do nappy changes/winding/general settling.

I just assumed before we had the baby that he would take some of the nighttime work, which he was, until MIL decided it was better for him to have sleep.

I just feel bitter about it!

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 21/08/2018 08:50

I would very clearly say to here that you're worried he is struggling with being a df as he can't seem to handle sharing nights or spending time with the DC, and obviously if he had a demanding job you'd understand he couldn't and would suffer through, but the fact most dad's now share night waking and he can't means you're worried he's not committed and you wonder if the two of you should go to couples therapy or he move home to her until he can get help for his depression as obviously you're doing both your and his share with the house and baby so can't cope with an adult who isn't able to do their fair share right now.

MairyHole · 21/08/2018 08:51

Also, the MIL is a red herring here. She doesn't understand modern parenthood. Your husband should. He's more than capable of considering what is fair to you both and discussing and agreeing it with you. Don't make this about his mother, no matter how irritating you find her advice!

VimFuego101 · 21/08/2018 08:53

He should be doing Friday and Saturday nights then, or, if you have to BF during the night, he could do an early morning wake up and take baby downstairs once fed and give you a lay in. Nobody gets 8 hours of sleep when they're a new parent, he needs to pull his weight.

Stalmida · 21/08/2018 08:53

At two weeks old with multiple wake ups I would expect him to help overnight despite work. We just both went to bed earlier, my husband did the first wake up with expressed milk and I did subsequent wake ups. Weekend lie ins were shared. A newborn is like a full time job in itself.

GinAfterBedtime · 21/08/2018 08:53

I don't blame you for being fucked off.

I bf but dh would do nappy changes/winding/settling etc.

He was working ft in a professional job but viewed it as just part of early fatherhood that he'd be up during the night.

Both mil and dh are being dicks if you ask me.

Pickleypickles · 21/08/2018 08:53

I understand where you are coming from in that it does seem a bit unfair but I also don't see the point in both of you being awake if only one needs to be. Can you express so he can help more?

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 08:53

Well first of all mil sounds trouble.

That aside I did all the night feeds as ebf and stuff as I could sleep in the day and dh did have a demanding job plus driving.

However dh did loads over the weekend and evening cleaning batch cooking etc.

It’s all about what suits you as a couple. Who needs to bring in the wage and individual circumstances so pages of posters saying what suited them is pretty irrelevant.

It’s got to suit you both as s couple and bugger all to do with mil either

yell0w · 21/08/2018 08:53

I breastfed and therefore did all of the nighttime baby duties but DH was there by my side and would jump if I asked him to (like to get me a drink of water or another muslin etc). He stayed in the same room for support more than anything else. His job is somewhat demanding. And I would always get a lie in on his non-working days.

BigBlueBubble · 21/08/2018 08:54

My DH is the same. He can’t possibly get up at night because he has to drive 35 minutes to work on a busy motorway, and apparently even waking up once during the night will make his commute dangerous. Of course I can wake up 5 times every single night and it’s absolutely fine for me to drive to the baby class, hospital, shopping centre, etc. It’s had a serious negative impact on our relationship because of how little he cares that I’m literally on my knees with exhaustion.

Coldilox · 21/08/2018 08:57

When our boy was a baby I was breastfeeding, I did the night feeds but she would get up when he woke from 5:30 onwards and give him a bottle of expressed milk while I had a good chunk of sleep. I'd then get up at 7 to pump, then she'd get up and go to work. She is a nurse performing procedures, diagnosing and giving medications every day, she coped.

We both have very demanding jobs. I would live 8 hours sleep a night but life isn't like that when you have a bad sleeper. I manage on 5 hours a night. I'm always tired but so is she and it's not fair for one person to get all the sleep.

I hate the way it's assumed the person going to work needs all the sleep. Staying at home with a baby/child is exhausting too. And I found the "sleep when he sleeps" thing bollocks too, I could never do it.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/08/2018 08:58

My DH takes DD for an hour or so at the beginning of the night so I can get some sleep. You need to come up with something that suits you and MIL needs to stay out of it.

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