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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to end a relationship because of messaging

131 replies

Soupyy3 · 20/08/2018 22:58

Hi
Very happy and in love with DP of 18 months (we don't yet live together, no children together, both aged 44).

He fell asleep on the sofa this evening and a message pinged up on his phone from a woman I'd never heard of. It started with "hi you gorgeous man..." so I of course had to have a look!

He's been messaging a woman he knew as a kid since May 13th. Loads of messages. It started innocuously - he added her on Facebook and they messaged polite hellos as you do - but it has since intensified. There has been mild flirting (calling each other gorgeous and beautiful) but also a strong emotional bond developed - he told her personal stuff about his kids' health and his relationship with his ex wife. She reciprocated.

They've got loads in common. They like a lot of the same things. Agree about politics.

They talk about how they really love chatting to each other.

They make each other laugh. Loads of laughing emojis.

She called him a kindred spirit. He replied with a heart emoji.

He told her that he hoped his DD13 turns out like her.

He sent her a photo of his son's graduation. She sent him a photo of her daughter's prom.

Messages almost always end with xxxx

He said last week that he dreams about her. The conversation then got a bit innuendo filled. He referred to her as stunning.

Am I overreacting? They've never talked of meeting up (she lives 15 miles away). It is an online thing only I think.

He's never mentioned me. I've been whitewashed out. He talks to her about his kids, his mum, his dogs, his friends, his colleagues ...never about me, even when he's described events I was at.

I don't know whether I've overreacted. I'm in a different room trying hard not to cry.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 21/08/2018 13:18

It's not a stupid reason at all. If anyone asks just say you found out he was involved with someone else. Flowers

Original poster
Soupyy3 · 21/08/2018 13:27

It's May 13th this year not May 2013 - sorry if that wasn't clear.

Probably thinks he doesn't stand a chance in real life. She's attractive with an impressive job. That said, she's been just as flirty. I don't know what's going on in his mind tbh. I certainly wasn't going to ask him to delete her - he should have offered!

Stupid thing is, he has s good track record. He's friendly with his (lovely) ex wife - there was no abuse or cheating. He's friends with the woman he dated for 8 months between her and me - it fizzled out amicably, they're still mates and she's really nice too. His first relationship (between age 15ish and 18) ended without drama when they went to separate universities, they meet up for coffee/a pint once or twice a year and always have done. So I thought he was A Good One. Ha bloody ha.

OP posts:
Stardust91 · 21/08/2018 13:27

Mandala Re-read OP. She said since May 13th (i assume year 2018) not May 2013!

OP, i hope things get better for you. He might have 'just' been chatting with her but the context of those messages felt inappropriate for someone in a relationship and the fact he never mentioned her.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 21/08/2018 13:54

Sorry, my misunderstanding. In that case - and actually in any other case - end it with him. Do not buy the 'we are just friends' argument, because he doesn't want to be just friends.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 21/08/2018 14:11

It’s not a silly reason, it’s a very good one.

My ex did something very similar, whitewashing me out of his life in all his conversations with his ‘friend’ from work. We came back from a holiday to a particular event that we had been going to together every year for six years, which was the highlight of every year for us. When he talked to his ‘friend from work’ about it he only mentioned that ‘he’ had just come back from this holiday and that ‘he’ goes there every year because he loves it. When I questioned it he just said that I ‘never came up’ Angry

He’s now married to that woman...

SuperSuperSuper · 21/08/2018 18:31

They sound infatuated and they're living in some strange virtual fantasy land. You're better off away from him. Leave them to it.

It's a shame he's behaving like this having been a decent guy in the past with his wife etc, but people can be odd when it comes to teenage crush nostalgia. It's as if morals are cast aside sometimes, in the rush to regress. Facebook plays a big role in this. However, it's the fault of the cheater, social media can't take all the blame, people have control over themselves.

bubbles108 · 21/08/2018 19:51

It's not a stupid reason at all. If anyone asks just say you found out he was involved with someone else.

This

KarmaStar · 21/08/2018 20:17

I'm so sorry op,but I think he has all but left you for this ow already.
You are worth so much more than him.
Wake him up,ask him to leave.
If you feel up to it,when you are ready,and want answers before you move on,ask him about her.
But,you are under no obligation to ever speak to him again.
Lucky you are not sharing a house or have dc.
I wish you leave of mind and a happy future,with someone who deserves you.Flowers

Excited0803 · 21/08/2018 20:25

You've done the right thing and can maintain your self-respect. It's a shame he was a cheating knob, but onwards, there'll be sometime better out there to make you so glad you didn't stay with this guy. He kind to yourself in the meantime, doing the right thing can hurt sometimes. FlowersWineWineWine

Excited0803 · 21/08/2018 20:25

*someone not sometime

TerryTucker · 21/08/2018 20:29

Yep

MyOtherProfile · 21/08/2018 20:32

Flowers for you OP. Tough even though you didn't have much choice really.

jelly449 · 21/08/2018 20:33

Op you are well rid. In your first thread you say he added her on fb and then they had polite hellos...as you do.... erm no! Even that is a no no. If my dh added a random woman on fb and then messaged her saying 'hello' he would be out the door before anything could even start.

What he's done is not ok. I'm glad you've ended it and hope you manage to put this behind you. Hope your ds is ok also x

TerryTucker · 21/08/2018 20:35

There won't be any good answers or outcomes from talking to her or him and I would think it could be humilating for you.

I agree it's best to ghost him.

Happypuppy · 21/08/2018 20:48

Aw I’m so sorry Soupy. Take care of yourself.

MarthasGinYard · 21/08/2018 20:53

Soupy

Shite that he's minimised it. So predictable.

Awful

You've so done the right thing. You would always doubt this man.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 21/08/2018 22:24

I know how tempting it is to think, "Aw, maybe he's just a super-nice guy who has struck up an innocent friendship with this woman and he's telling the truth when he says nothing would ever happen."

Just stop and ask yourself why he didn't mention you. Ever. That tells you all you need to know about what he was really doing.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 21/08/2018 22:26

Guys like this are head-fuckers. I had a (serious) boyfriend like this who liked to compartmentalise our relationship when he was talking to certain people (primarily ex-girlfriends). If he is not acknowledging your relationship to someone significant in his life, it's because he's hedging his bets.

Eatmycheese · 21/08/2018 22:33

No you wouldn’t be unreasonable to end your relationship with this man over messaging, because the messages have destroyed what you thought you had and who you thought he was.
If he is now seeking to brush it off then that is worrying: either he is just being a twat and insulting you by doing this which is unacceptable or he actually thinks behaving like this isn’t infidelity and at the very least he is immersed an emotional affair. And is a juvenile self absorbed person who csnnto conceive of the fact this behaviour would and has devastated you.

If you stay with him after this you have and will open the floodgates for a lifetime with him for however long that will be of second guessing and smashing your own peace of mind up.

There seems to be no other way forward in my view but I am very sorry and think you deserve a lot better.

NynaeveSedai · 21/08/2018 22:38

The reason they weren't talking about meeting up is because they were getting all kinds of endorphins and intimacy needs met by this fantasy relationship, and they could kid themselves that there wasn't anything wrong (assuming she had a partner too)
You know what he did was cheating, he knows it too. What a dick. So sorry

otterturk · 21/08/2018 22:45

End it now

AmyandBear · 21/08/2018 22:53

So sorry for you, such an awful situation and I've been in one similar Myself. You deserve better than that, in my opinion it's still cheating even if there's hasn't been any Physical contact. He clearly has no Respect for your or your relationship ☹️ I hope you find the strength to leave him and look after yourself x

Banana8080 · 21/08/2018 23:08

Oh I’m so sorry to read this, a classic emotional affair - maybe they’d have met up, maybe not but either way you deserve a buzzillion times better.

AlphaBravo · 21/08/2018 23:15

From how he is with past relationships I'd be more wondering if he was gay or asexual tbh OP. Hows your sex life? 🤔

KC225 · 22/08/2018 06:10

I didn't met my DH until I was 39. And probably spent more time single/dating than in relationships. I worked in a male environment and I remember commenting on how annoying it was when there would be a tiny bit of banter or an amusing exchange and (NOT FLIRTING. DON'T DIP MY NIB IN COMPANY INK) and some guy would mention his wife or girlfriend of 10 years as a kind of I'm taken. I was a bit 'Easy tiger. All I said was pass the salt'. My married friend said she hoped her DH did it so their was no cross purposes. I still think its a bit presumptuous but in your case OP he has had ample time to say, I am in a serious relationship with a wonderful woman. We have been seeing each other for 18 months.