Aibu to end a relationship because of messaging

[Soupyy3]

Hi
Very happy and in love with DP of 18 months (we don't yet live together, no children together, both aged 44).

He fell asleep on the sofa this evening and a message pinged up on his phone from a woman I'd never heard of. It started with "hi you gorgeous man..." so I of course had to have a look!

He's been messaging a woman he knew as a kid since May 13th. Loads of messages. It started innocuously - he added her on Facebook and they messaged polite hellos as you do - but it has since intensified. There has been mild flirting (calling each other gorgeous and beautiful) but also a strong emotional bond developed - he told her personal stuff about his kids' health and his relationship with his ex wife. She reciprocated.

They've got loads in common. They like a lot of the same things. Agree about politics.

They talk about how they really love chatting to each other.

They make each other laugh. Loads of laughing emojis.

She called him a kindred spirit. He replied with a heart emoji.

He told her that he hoped his DD13 turns out like her.

He sent her a photo of his son's graduation. She sent him a photo of her daughter's prom.

Messages almost always end with xxxx

He said last week that he dreams about her. The conversation then got a bit innuendo filled. He referred to her as stunning.

Am I overreacting? They've never talked of meeting up (she lives 15 miles away). It is an online thing only I think.

He's never mentioned me. I've been whitewashed out. He talks to her about his kids, his mum, his dogs, his friends, his colleagues ...never about me, even when he's described events I was at.

I don't know whether I've overreacted. I'm in a different room trying hard not to cry.

You asked if you were overreacting?

HELL NO!

You're under reacting.

He said to her that he dreams about her. That's sexual. End of.

Why are you being slow to react here? Such a grotty betrayal.

Yep, that's not something you can let fly.

Don't bother sending her messages from his phone coming clean of anything like that. I've been down that road with unsatisfactory results, wouldn't advise.

Ghost him.

Oh what a scumbag

I would be tempted to throw a bucket of cold water over him.

Just end it. Be cold and business like, even though it will hurt like hell.

If you give him an inch he will try and worm his way out of it. I guarantee it.

1- I’m so sorry

2- write a message back explaining who you are

3- kick him out

I don't even know where to start!
I agree with all the previous posters.

Agree with what @Losingthewill1 said. Tell her. And then tell him to get out. Just because they haven't met yet doesn't mean they won't.

Yes, as above. I'm sorry he's hurt you; he has had no issue with lying to you for a long time and this is cheating - that isn't someone you want a relationship with. Message to let her know, pack his stuff, kick him out.

Not even a couple of years in and he's already giving his ear and emotional attention to another woman, as well as you. At age 44 and still this silly and fickle hes no catch really. He's presenting to her as single.

I don't know what you'll do but I'd be so tempted to reply to her in the way pp's describe

As I see it, "take the high ground" tends to leave women feeling even more like shit. You say nothing, holding all your upset and angst, the other party doesn't know and they just continue whilst your world's been shattered by him future faking and making you live a lie. He's ok as you just hold his secret. Nobody knows. It is very galling.

Mind you, nothing to say he's going to run off with her - if they've known each other all these years then why didn't they get together?

But telling her his dreams, family matters, innermost secrets whilst being very careful not to mention me, would be the deal breaker. You'll never view him in the same way again.
💐

It's called an emotional affair. To me it wouldn't really make any difference whether they have met up or not. He's still essentially cheating. He's not being emotionally faithful to you.

Are you at your house? If so, wake him up and tell him calmly that he needs to leave.

I would simply say, 'I'm sorry - but when a message popped up on your phone saying, 'hello you gorgeous man' I was so taken aback that I read the rest of them. Our relationship is now over for me'.

Don't listen to apologies, excuses or anything else. It is very sad, but this is unforgettable.

I would definitely tell her. I can’t see where the higher ground is in not letting her know he’s been two timing the whole time. Because that’s what it is.

If he loved you that much he wouldn't be doing this.

He'd be out on his ear tonight if it were me.

Bastard.

He told her that he hoped his DD13 turns out like her.

Reading this was the first major flag

He’s never mentioned me

Totally unacceptable. Sorry but this would be the most unacceptable part! It makes everything else take on a different dimension.

You deserve to be treated with respect and at the very least have your existence acknowledged! I would go mental talk to him with the messages open so he can’t deny. Good luck OP xx

Yeah... You need to get rid.

He's being deceitful. That's enough for me. I would simply dump. No questions no arguments.
I hope you meet someone better

I'm so sorry

The trust is gone now surely?

I’d just leave, no point being with someone who isn’t proud to have you, if he wants to carry on messaging her he can do so on his own 🙌🏻 I’d just say that you aren’t happy about the messaging and feel this relationship has come to its end, then run FAST

I went through something similar. My ex had an emotional affair at work. He would delete all the text messages; but I found work emails in his trash box. He never admitted it, never apologised. Just treated me like crap before he told me he wanted out of the relationship. He’s moved on from you already. You two aren’t even living together. You are not a priority in his life.

"Hi, this is X's partner. He is currently asleep but I will make sure he gets the message in the morning."

Leave and dont say a word. Let him see for himself when he wakes up.

Run like your hair is on fire.

It is called an emotional affair.
I am so sorry he destroyed your relationship this way.

I would be inclined to be petty and tell her. I’d probably send a selfie of myself with him behind sleeping and write “sorry, boyfriend is asleep right now, I’ll tell him to reply in the morning”. Then tell him to get the fuck out of your house/leave if you are at his.

"Hey Bob, I wanna ask you how you feel about something. There's this guy I know from high school, in fact, I kind of had a crush on him back then, funnily enough he had one on me too but we just didn't realise. We haven't seen each other for years but we got back in touch a few months back and we've become really good friends.

Anyway, now we message every day. I really love chatting to him, he makes me laugh so much. He is such a great guy. I really hope my kids turn out like him, and I've told him that. And man, he is still so good looking. I find him completely gorgeous. In fact, I've told him that too. I've even been dreaming about him recently, which he found really sweet. We talk about everything, except you. I haven't mentioned you at all. Anyway, I figured you'd be cool with this, but I just thought I'd double check. It's fine, right?"

If you can't imagine saying anything this ludicrous to your partner, then you should wake your partner up and tell him to fuck off out of your house now and get on with having a go with the chick he's been lining up to take your place.

This is an affair that's not yet become physical.