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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to end a relationship because of messaging

131 replies

Soupyy3 · 20/08/2018 22:58

Hi
Very happy and in love with DP of 18 months (we don't yet live together, no children together, both aged 44).

He fell asleep on the sofa this evening and a message pinged up on his phone from a woman I'd never heard of. It started with "hi you gorgeous man..." so I of course had to have a look!

He's been messaging a woman he knew as a kid since May 13th. Loads of messages. It started innocuously - he added her on Facebook and they messaged polite hellos as you do - but it has since intensified. There has been mild flirting (calling each other gorgeous and beautiful) but also a strong emotional bond developed - he told her personal stuff about his kids' health and his relationship with his ex wife. She reciprocated.

They've got loads in common. They like a lot of the same things. Agree about politics.

They talk about how they really love chatting to each other.

They make each other laugh. Loads of laughing emojis.

She called him a kindred spirit. He replied with a heart emoji.

He told her that he hoped his DD13 turns out like her.

He sent her a photo of his son's graduation. She sent him a photo of her daughter's prom.

Messages almost always end with xxxx

He said last week that he dreams about her. The conversation then got a bit innuendo filled. He referred to her as stunning.

Am I overreacting? They've never talked of meeting up (she lives 15 miles away). It is an online thing only I think.

He's never mentioned me. I've been whitewashed out. He talks to her about his kids, his mum, his dogs, his friends, his colleagues ...never about me, even when he's described events I was at.

I don't know whether I've overreacted. I'm in a different room trying hard not to cry.

OP posts:

lolalotta · 21/08/2018 06:05

Get rid

Excited0803 · 21/08/2018 06:44

Hope you're ok today Soupyy3, onwards to a better life.

Livingoncake · 21/08/2018 06:56

FFS, extract this prick from your house and your life. Life’s too bloody short for this sort of shit.

PaintedHorizons · 21/08/2018 07:01

I will be in a minority here but I think messaging his friend, packing his bags, sending his private messages to your own phone for evidence are all pretty bad behaviour.

You are not married, you don't have kids, you do not own him. He is messaging someone - an old friend to whom he is close.

If you don't like that you have every right to end the relationship. As PP said - you don't need to justify ending it, you don't need a reason. Just end it as this is not something that you want in a relationship. You choose what you want here.

Me, I would end a relationship with someone who went through my phone messages while I was asleep and (not you OP but other posters), would not allow any other emotional attachments in my life.

If this has upset you - and it clearly has - then that is absolutely your right to feel that way and to end this relationship. The rest is just conjecture.

Ninabean17 · 21/08/2018 07:06

I would end this, now. I hope you managed to get some sleep op.

kaytee87 · 21/08/2018 07:06

I hope you've ditched him now op.
You deserve better.

Cuttingthegrass · 21/08/2018 07:18

Well he's clearly demonstrated he doesn't care about you OP as you don't exist in this new and exciting relationship he has started. His texts give the impression he is single. He is flattering her. She is flattering him.

So after 18 months he's off looking for more than you. Sorry to be blunt. Thank goodness it's only 18 months and no difficult financials to unravel.

TeaForDad · 21/08/2018 07:26

PaintedHorizons I couldn't have said it better.

Fang2468 · 21/08/2018 07:33

I hope you replied to her last night. Good luck OP. This would be the end of the relationship for me.

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2018 07:44

He's allowed to have emotional connections with other people but I don't like how he hasn't mentioned, since May, that he has a girlfriend. If it was entirely innocent then why wouldn't he have told her about you? I don't agree really with reading through all his messages but at least you know now.

Don't stay with a man you don't trust.

GoblinSharts · 21/08/2018 07:50

After witnessing my sisters very emotional and awful divorce from a man who cheated on her I would say thank your lucky stars you aren’t tied to him and get out now!

PPPMA · 21/08/2018 08:03

He told her that he hoped his DD13 turns out like her.

How did you not hit the roof?!

Kittykat93 · 21/08/2018 08:07

You are totally under reacting! I would be fucking furious. I could not sit there watching him sleep he'd be straight out on his arse. Please get rid, a relationship shouldn't feel like this after 18 months. Or at all.

SenoritaViva · 21/08/2018 08:09

I’m sorry. I hope you’ve kicked him out this morning.

PPPMA · 21/08/2018 08:10

Have you confronted him OP? Are you okay? You've got a lot of support here

Churrolicious · 21/08/2018 08:29

You are not unreasonable to end a relationship for this. It’s just awful and you deserve better.

MadeForThis · 21/08/2018 08:30

I would LTB.

Wouldn't mention the messages though. Just say that you're not happy with him any more and Goodbye.

Why bother with the arguments and the lies.

If you are sure you want to leave then just go. If he ends up with her then at least he won't be messing you around any more.

Obviously if you want to stay then give him a chance to explain. It's up to you what you can live with. But it's a lot easier to walk away before you live together or are married.

Original poster

Soupyy3 · 21/08/2018 12:33

Thanks everyone I appreciate it.

Long story short, huge row just after my second update where he said that I was overreacting because nothing physical would ever happen. I told him that a one night stand with a stranger is preferable to this deep connection. He seemed upset and embarrassed ...at no point did he offer to drop her though. So I ended it.

It's over and I'm so sad. We had a short holiday booked for Easter with his DD13 and my DS so will have to sort cancelling that at some point.

I'll also miss his kids. They were very welcoming. My DS liked him and his family too.

I'll need to start explaining it to people now. Awkward. Seems such a stupid reason.

OP posts:

Cuttingthegrass · 21/08/2018 12:41

Oh Op. how sad. But you have your answer. He wants the deep emotional connection with this other woman. Better you found out now than further committed on your part. and of course

Stimmyplip · 21/08/2018 12:45

Its not a stupid reason! And you don't need to explain.

Butterymuffin · 21/08/2018 12:50

It's very sad to think of all the good bits of a relationship at times like this - but remember that those weren't sufficient for him, he needed to have this 'connection' with another woman that you were cut out of, where he didn't even acknowledge the life he had with you. He's been stupid and not properly valued what he had.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 21/08/2018 12:56

Him setting himself up to cheat on you is not a silly reason!

ZanyMobster · 21/08/2018 12:56

You don't have to explain anything if you don't want to, however if people ask and you want to tell them you say he was a cheat and can't be trusted, as that is entirely the truth. He's hardly going to say he isn't and that he was only messaging a women behind your back. I agree though, it is more deceitful than a ONS.

ahouseofleaves · 21/08/2018 13:08

I am sorry, OP.

A man past 40 acting like a teenager with a crush and disregarding you. Unacceptable. It's difficult now, but you did the right thing for yourself. It would never have been the same, and even when confronted he didn't say he was prepared to stop contacting her.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 21/08/2018 13:13

What I don't understand is why wouldn't he just be with her? OP and him are not married, no kids together, has only been seeing each other for 18 months. He has known this other woman since childhood and is messaged her since May 2013. Why wouldn't he just be with her then?

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