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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to end a relationship because of messaging

131 replies

Soupyy3 · 20/08/2018 22:58

Hi
Very happy and in love with DP of 18 months (we don't yet live together, no children together, both aged 44).

He fell asleep on the sofa this evening and a message pinged up on his phone from a woman I'd never heard of. It started with "hi you gorgeous man..." so I of course had to have a look!

He's been messaging a woman he knew as a kid since May 13th. Loads of messages. It started innocuously - he added her on Facebook and they messaged polite hellos as you do - but it has since intensified. There has been mild flirting (calling each other gorgeous and beautiful) but also a strong emotional bond developed - he told her personal stuff about his kids' health and his relationship with his ex wife. She reciprocated.

They've got loads in common. They like a lot of the same things. Agree about politics.

They talk about how they really love chatting to each other.

They make each other laugh. Loads of laughing emojis.

She called him a kindred spirit. He replied with a heart emoji.

He told her that he hoped his DD13 turns out like her.

He sent her a photo of his son's graduation. She sent him a photo of her daughter's prom.

Messages almost always end with xxxx

He said last week that he dreams about her. The conversation then got a bit innuendo filled. He referred to her as stunning.

Am I overreacting? They've never talked of meeting up (she lives 15 miles away). It is an online thing only I think.

He's never mentioned me. I've been whitewashed out. He talks to her about his kids, his mum, his dogs, his friends, his colleagues ...never about me, even when he's described events I was at.

I don't know whether I've overreacted. I'm in a different room trying hard not to cry.

OP posts:
SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 20/08/2018 23:30

I'm sorry op
He hasn't mentioned you because he wants to keep the option of something more happening

mansplain111 · 20/08/2018 23:31

You’re not ending it because of messaging thought are you, it’s due to an astounding lack of consideration for you . Oh and you can’t trust him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/08/2018 23:32

He wants her. What an immoral, selfish arsehole.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2018 23:34

Time to whitewash him

BlueJava · 20/08/2018 23:34

I'm sorry OP. That's not good - you have to ask yourself if you could trust him - like if he was late home from work, had to work away, something came up one weekend - would you be 100% happy he was truthful.

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo · 20/08/2018 23:34

I speak to my male best friend of over a decade like this, but there are two crucial factors, we also talk about each others partners and ask how they are doing and it's never "flirty" just lots of laughing and we often say we're kindered spirits.

The other thing is my DH knows about my male best friend and I don't hide our conversations I sometimes read them out to him if hey are funny/interesting.

In your situation OP I'd probably ask him about her, and take it from there.

bonfireheart · 20/08/2018 23:35

Don't text her, just send him on his way.

SteviaStephanie · 20/08/2018 23:35

So sorry OP. You must feel sick.

If it were me, I’d just be honest. Wake him up, tell him exactly what happened, and ask him to leave. It’ll hurt so much, but in the long run, it’ll hurt a lot less and be a lot better for your mental health than the pick-me dance and the constant wondering and watching and a long drawn out thing. Flowers

katielouise3 · 20/08/2018 23:36

LTB. If he isn't shagging her yet, he will be soon.

Sorry you are going through this. Flowers

Timefortea99 · 20/08/2018 23:38

Wake him up and tell him to go permanently.

Lucky you found out before you started to live together.

He wants to cheat with her, he just hasn’t got around to it yet.

Take care.

PerverseConverse · 20/08/2018 23:39

What crunchy mum said. So sorry OP Thanks

SparklyMagpie · 20/08/2018 23:42

Boom he'd be out on his arse

Getoffthetableplease · 20/08/2018 23:43

I cringe at mn ltb comments on so many threads, but oh god, just go now. I'm speaking from experience by the way. You absolutely DO NOT want to be going through this a decade later with mental health hanging on by a very fine thread. It's not going to be easy, but go with your head high now.

Gingerlover2 · 20/08/2018 23:50

Ah that's tough. I guess the question is why is he talking to another woman, what is she giving him that you can't. Very painful and not really any other answer than it's cheating, emotionally and it seems at some point it may have led to physically.

What can you do other than have it out with him. Depends on how much he is prepared to acknowledge how wrong it is and if he's prepared to cut her off immediately. He may genuinely not really be thinking about the consequences and be in a bit of a bubble where he's getting attention.

Good luck Flowers

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 20/08/2018 23:55

Horrendous for you.

Kick him out for now. Be honest. Say you seen the messages. He will try and think up shit excuses.Say that's fine but it is what it is...

Read " The Riules" Will make you feel better. If only because you realise it's not you..

PolkaHots · 21/08/2018 00:03

Bloody hell thats a slow burn isn’t it? So basically he’s enjoying the fantasy of a relationship with her but not taking it ant further?

Sommelierrrr · 21/08/2018 00:20

Horrified by what you read and so sorry for you.what an awful shock. hope youre ok Flowers

Original poster
Soupyy3 · 21/08/2018 00:21

Thanks everyone. I know it's late.

Yes - it's a slow burn it seems. There has been no suggestion or even hint from either of them about meeting up. They seem to like the online romance. They seem in awe of each other and both have acknowledged that they fancied each other at sixth form college. I don't think they've seen each other since then.

I just notice that last Thursday he messaged her about his DS' AS Level results at 9.09am...she must have been one of the first people he told.

It's very odd as well as upsetting - I don't get why they're having an affair without meeting up. I suppose i can understand meeting in a hotel for sex! This, it totally defies me.

OP posts:
GlisteningRipeElderberries · 21/08/2018 00:22

Thank goodness you don’t live together...and now look after yourself, he sounds infatuated, and people like to turn into you being at fault.

I would start being unavailable from now on, heartbreaking.

KC225 · 21/08/2018 00:27

Yes, he is having an affair. She is also the first one he thought of when he wanted into share the news about his son's results.

I think he is hedging his bets, not rushing this one as he is loving the fantasy of it - sooner or later one of you will end up being moved to the back burner. OP you do the choosing, choose to go.

Tannitot · 21/08/2018 00:28

If you have the chance I would definitely have to reply to her! At least to get the truth out that he has a long term partner. How could you ever trust him again after this?

SaucyJack · 21/08/2018 00:29

Get rid. You don’t have to settle for being the runner-up prize in your own relationship.

Elliss2018 · 21/08/2018 00:34

So sorry OP! You deserve so much better!

YourWinter · 21/08/2018 00:44

You've read the messages, you can't UNread them, nothing can ever be the same. He is just like so many others, preening his feathers and basking in
his options.

They're not all like him. He'll deny it means anything, but you're never going to trust that he's telling the truth. You're never going to believe that your relationship matters, to him, the way that you thought it did.

adoggymama · 21/08/2018 00:48

Fuck him, message her back and let her know he's being unfaithful. That should put her off and you can dodge a bullet by leaving him.