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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To contact someone who ghosted me years ago?

108 replies

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 20:41

Childhood friend until our mid 20s. Good friendship which was later mostly correspondence based with odd meetups. No romantic feelings from him to me and I was a bit swoony as he was v handsome but nothing I ever said or acted on, just mild crushing. We weren't right for each other and I'd never have risked mortifying myself and losing our friendship. Then he just stopped responding to my letters and emails. He'd always been slightly flaky so I kept it up for a while before I realised that there really weren't any replies coming. Checked the address etc. I've got two theories - 1 is that he twigged I slightly fancied him and didn't handle it well so decided to cut me off. 2 is that I know he had a falling out with my brother. Nothing serious they just never really liked each other and it came to a head with a bit of shouting and blaming on both sides (I think my brother behaved arrogantly and I think he was unnecessarily rude to my brother, though I've never expressed these thoughts). Maybe he blamed me for staying out of it, or decided to cut me off alongside my brother? He popped up on Facebook a few years later, friends with some of my friends, and I sent a request and a friendly note but it got ignored. I've left it since then. It's probably 15 years since last friendly contact. I was terribly hurt and sad that he cut me out, but I also miss him and the lovely friendship we shared. He was there for me through some ups and downs, and vice versa. I've recently been in touch with a mutual friend and on the spur of the moment asked if she had a current email address for him and she said yes and has given it to me. She also let me know he's had some mental health problems. WIBU to try contacting him again? You shouldn't give up on people, right?

OP posts:

Gretagumbo · 19/08/2018 20:47

Noooooo leave it.

You gave him enough chances. Sometimes you’ve got to move on and leave people behind.

Puddlejumps · 19/08/2018 20:49

You know if you have found him on Facebook I am sure he has found you. If he wanted to get in touch he would have done. He has not responded to any efforts that you have made to date. My advise would be to just reflect on the memories and learn from the friendship you had. How would you feel if you reached out and he didn’t respond again? Time doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder.

Thehop · 19/08/2018 20:51

Honestly? No. I’d leave it. He clearly isn’t intereste

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 20:51

I guess I just want to fix it. :(

Every time I think about it I feel puzzled and sad. I don't even need answers from him but if we could reconnect it would make it ok again, even if we didn't really keep in touch.

OP posts:

LuluBellaBlue · 19/08/2018 20:52

I know this is going to sound a little harsh but I think that perhaps he meant more to you than you did to him.
But in life we can’t always appreciate each other equally - whether friendships or relationships this happens sometimes.
I’d focus on yourself and spending time with people who are worthy and appreciative of your time and attention as you sound a thoughtful, caring person.
He sounds a bit rude and callous so wondering if you have rose tinted glasses about him.

Mimmim112 · 19/08/2018 20:52

No I would leave it, he made it clear he wasn’t interested when you added and messaged him on Facebook. To persist would be a bit stalkerish I think

EmmaC78 · 19/08/2018 20:53

I would say leave it as well. If he didn't respond to the FB message I see that as a fairly clear indication he does not want to be in contact.

ShinyMe · 19/08/2018 20:55

No, leave it. You tried a message via FB and got no response - that is the response.

Also, if I was in his position and had broken off contact for what I felt was a reason, I would be really annoyed with the mutual friend who thought it was ok to give you my email address.

IhopeyoulikeNavantoo · 19/08/2018 21:03

My honest reaction is to leave well alone. He knows where you are and could reach you if he chose to. I think the fact that he rejected your friend request tells you what you need to know. Irrespective of the reason, he doesn't want to get in touch. Be kind to yourself, take it on the chin and move on.

happinessischocolate · 19/08/2018 21:03

I'd leave it purely because people change and even if he did respond to you this time he's not the same person anymore and I believe it would then ruin the memories you have of your friendship.

Slightly different but my first boyfriend got in touch with me through social media, we were both single and met up and eventually started dating. When I told people I heard loads of horror stories from people who had done the same and how it had ended badly. Our relationship limped along for a month or so and then we split as it just wasn't there, it ruined my memories of my first boyfriend as I realised he wasn't the guy I had thought he was.

CSIblonde · 19/08/2018 21:11

No, leave it. 15years means he hasn't missed you & obviously isn't bothered, so it will seem odd if you if contact him now.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 19/08/2018 21:15

I was really hoping the rest of the title was..

.......to tell them I may have given them genital warts.

SteviaStephanie · 19/08/2018 21:16

To be brutal, OP, ask yourself honestly:

what are you hoping to get from him?

And then:

are you likely to get it?

These questions stopped me from ever contacting an ex again, as I had to admit to myself they were never going to say, “oh Steph, you were the love of my life, thank god you got in touch”!

I also take the view that the only way you can feel worse is if you send a message and get no reply.

It sounds as if he wasn’t as invested in the friendship as you were (and perhaps as if you liked him rather more than you thought you did?). This may well be down to the fact that he just doesn’t put as much into friendships as you, and nothing to do with you personally. Some people do just move on from friendships much more quickly than others.

My advice would be to leave the past where it belongs and focus on your actual friends, sorry

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 21:16

Sorry to drip feed but there was one weird thing. About 4 years ago some mutual friends came to visit and said 'X (ghoster) sends his love as we told him we were going to see you'. I was astonished and said to them that I felt he'd cut me off and they were a bit vague but said they were sure it wasn't true but that he had stuff going on and wasn't good at contact (I think they were hinting at MH problems to, in retrospect).

I’d focus on yourself and spending time with people who are worthy and appreciative of your time and attention as you sound a thoughtful, caring person.

Thank you for this, it's really kind of you to say so.

He sounds a bit rude and callous so wondering if you have rose tinted glasses about him.

Funnily enough my brother always said he was rude and deeply selfish and it does make me wonder if I didn't see it. But he was genuinely very kind and loving to me for many years in lots of ways.

I agree with whoever said he might not be happy about the email address being passed on, by the way, but the person who gave it to me is someone very close to both of us so likely to have been able to say to me if they didn't feel comfortable with it or thought he wouldn't want me to have it, but they happily handed it out. Potentially just not thinking, I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 21:18

I was really hoping the rest of the title was..

.......to tell them I may have given them genital warts.

This really made me laugh, thanks!

OP posts:

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 21:20

What am I hoping to get from him?

Honestly? Just any kind of friendly, polite reply. I feel so horrible about how our friendship ended. It sounds lame but it makes me feel uncomfortable in my tummy when I think about it. I feel like I did something wrong and I just don't know what. If we have some kind of friendly exchange then it doesn't matter what happened back then, we're still 'in touch' and I can move on.

OP posts:

Laiste · 19/08/2018 21:22

If you really really really must try, then maybe message him through FB again. Don't use the email address. I think that would be quite intrusive.

Honestly though i think you'll find yourself disappointed. Again.

If you try, tell yourself this is the last attempt. For your own sake.

SummerStrong · 19/08/2018 21:23

If he wanted to contact you he would have, he would've seen you on FB too and he obviously knows you have friends in common.

For whatever reason he cut contact and you really need to get over it. It's his issue and not yours.

katielouise3 · 19/08/2018 21:23

I wouldn't contact him. He doesn't deserve you.

MarthaArthur · 19/08/2018 21:24

Leave it op. 15 years ia a very long time. Nearly 2 decades. He doesnt for whatever reason want anything more to do with you. I know it hurts. Ny ex best friend at school did it to be when we were about 18. Im now 27 and havent spoken to him again after he ignored my emails. Its natural to want answers but your never going to get them.

gamerwidow · 19/08/2018 21:27

You’re not giving up on him, he cannot have made it clearer he doesn’t want to see you. It happens sometimes just move on.

notacooldad · 19/08/2018 21:31

He probably doesn't even remember why the friendship ended. It could be that it was just to much effort and he couldn't be aresd with letter writing.
Your feeling puzzled and sad and having all these negative emotions and he probably hasn't given you a second thought until someone mentioned you and he did the polite conversation bit of saying send my love'. That was just a platitude.
There's nothing to fix because there's nothing there!

Live in the present and look forward. The past has gone.

arranfan · 19/08/2018 21:31

I can't find the thread (similar topic) and maybe it would be inappropriate to link it but a poster there made a remark that has stayed with me:

You don't have to rescue him for him to recover

Petalflowers · 19/08/2018 21:33

I know how,you feel. It feels unfinished, and you want to know why you were ghosted.

I have the same feeling with a female (platonic):friend. She moved house, I used to,visit her in her new town, then kept getting the brush-off, excuses etc. I still don’t know why, ten plus years later. The only consolation I have is that she did it to another mutual friend also.

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 21:34

Thank you for all the replies, by the way. I am listening and taking them on board.

The only fightback I have is that bit of me that says... 'but I want to'.

I know I'd very likely end up hurt and feeling even more stupid than I already do.

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