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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact someone who ghosted me years ago?

108 replies

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 20:41

Childhood friend until our mid 20s. Good friendship which was later mostly correspondence based with odd meetups. No romantic feelings from him to me and I was a bit swoony as he was v handsome but nothing I ever said or acted on, just mild crushing. We weren't right for each other and I'd never have risked mortifying myself and losing our friendship. Then he just stopped responding to my letters and emails. He'd always been slightly flaky so I kept it up for a while before I realised that there really weren't any replies coming. Checked the address etc. I've got two theories - 1 is that he twigged I slightly fancied him and didn't handle it well so decided to cut me off. 2 is that I know he had a falling out with my brother. Nothing serious they just never really liked each other and it came to a head with a bit of shouting and blaming on both sides (I think my brother behaved arrogantly and I think he was unnecessarily rude to my brother, though I've never expressed these thoughts). Maybe he blamed me for staying out of it, or decided to cut me off alongside my brother? He popped up on Facebook a few years later, friends with some of my friends, and I sent a request and a friendly note but it got ignored. I've left it since then. It's probably 15 years since last friendly contact. I was terribly hurt and sad that he cut me out, but I also miss him and the lovely friendship we shared. He was there for me through some ups and downs, and vice versa. I've recently been in touch with a mutual friend and on the spur of the moment asked if she had a current email address for him and she said yes and has given it to me. She also let me know he's had some mental health problems. WIBU to try contacting him again? You shouldn't give up on people, right?

OP posts:
notacooldad · 19/08/2018 23:45

I don't get why you are craving this contact.
The 'lovely' friendship has gone.
It takes two to keep a relationship going and he didn't want your friendship but stayed friendly with others. you've tried on more than one occasion to get him to engage but he hasn't.

Live your life happy with DH and your kids.
He may well have MH issues but it sounds like he has people around him and he doesn't want you to be part of the scene
Why risk further humiliation?

I normally roll my eyes when I see the phrase ' when someone tells you who they are listen' but in this case it's true. Sure he is not literally saying it but he is letting you know he doesn't want to know.

Let sleeping dogs lie and work on your own self esteem.

Original poster
Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 23:47

I think I might just walk away and choose to believe that explanation AlphaBravo because it's the one that works best for my self esteem.

OP posts:
Shambu · 19/08/2018 23:49

If you made a decision to get over it you wouldn't get that feeling in your tummy. You can't require feedback from him to get over it, life doesn't work like that. Even if you saw him it wouldn't give you answers.

You just don't know how he saw the friendship. You remember him being kind and supportive, he may remember you as being needy and draining (not saying you were - but do you see what I mean?)

However it was for you, it wasn't something that he wanted to continue or re-establish.

Original poster
Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 23:59

Yes I do see what you mean. I also sometimes wonder if the fact that I helped him through stuff too made him want to leave me behind. Sometimes it's difficult to be around people who've seen us at our worst I guess.

OP posts:
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 00:01

I'm going to hazard a guess and say perhaps he ghosted you because he picked up on the fact you had a crush on him, the feelings weren't mutual and he began to feel awkward about it so backed off.

He may not have considered the fact you'd have been happy being just friends, therefore he saw your repeated attempts of contact as a bit stalkerish.

It was probably easier for him to ignore (or block) than it would be for him to enter into a conversation where he has to spell it out and hurt your feelings (not that ghosting you is any less hurtful!)

I've been in a similar situation, it is difficult to close the book sometimes because you don't have the closure of them telling you exactly what the problem is and you're left guessing.

You sound like a lovely person and a good friend, focus your energy on the friends who treat you with humility and do you the courtesy of replying

He sounds quite rude IMO

Original poster
Holyguacamoley · 20/08/2018 00:21

I forgot that I have a fake FB profile that I set up to argue with people about Brexit a while ago (because I wanted to join a comment thread and not use my real FB) so I've just hopped on there and he's not on FB at all. Not that it matters. I'm still pretty confident he saw my request and possibly my message and ignored them.

I think the majority here have said to leave it alone and so that's probably what I should do. Just feel a bit sad, but I'll get over it and forget about it again. The chances of running into him again one day due to our mutual connections is fairly high, so that'll be interesting.

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 20/08/2018 00:22
  1. I don’t think you are being honest with yourself about the crush, it’s still there.
  1. He has plenty of routes through which he could reach you, he hasn’t taken any of them.
  1. He made a conscious choice not to accept you as a friend on FB.
  1. “Give Holy my love” is a standard response to “we’re seeing Holy this weekend”. You’re trying to read something into it. See 1 above.

I’m really sorry to sound harsh, OP, but you will hurt yourself if you pursue this.

Botanicbaby · 20/08/2018 00:25

Please leave it, you sound utterly fixated on this and it’s not at all healthy. YABU.

Original poster
Holyguacamoley · 20/08/2018 00:31

I don’t think you are being honest with yourself about the crush, it’s still there.

It really isn't. It was based on looks and without meaning to be mean, the years have not been kind to the handsome young man I knew, as evidenced by recent FB pics... I'm happily married and whilst I'm not one to believe that married people don't get crushes (me and DH both do, I'm confident!) this is not one of them. It's a mixture of old affection and hurt.

You're right I'm probably reading more into 'Give her my love' because I would only say that if I meant it. I'd say something like 'Say hi to them from me' or 'Give them my best'. Love feels like something you'd send to someone you felt affection for, hence my surprise, but it's probably just that people toss that around more casually than I would. And you're right that he could easily contact me if he wanted to. Easily!

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 20/08/2018 00:39

You know he can find you when he’s ready. He may yet feel like reconnecting, just give him the time he needs. Sometimes these things can take many years.

Mymycherrypie · 20/08/2018 00:52

Don’t. Every failed contact makes you feel a little worse. You send more and more sentimental pleas to be noticed. It still goes unnoticed and when you finally have nothing more to say that could possibly entice this person to engage with you, then you may come to see that he probably doesn’t want to talk to you. If he did, he would.

Sorry to be harsh to you, I know you are desperate to speak to him. But it’s so obvious that you are, if I were him I’d be a little afraid if you suddenly had my email address too. Work on making yourself happy some other way.

PamsterWheel · 20/08/2018 00:59

Leave it. Move on.

esk1mo · 20/08/2018 01:06

sorry to be harsh but you sound quite desperate and a little obsessed Sad

you shouldn’t let ONE person have so much control over your thoughts and feelings. you need to repeat “FUCK HIM” over and over until you mean it.

fake it till you make it. ive been ghosted and hurt by people in the past, even my teenage sweetheart who i was with for 5 years. all i think to that is...LOL. couldnt give a shit Smile

Fabricwitch · 20/08/2018 01:10

Too stalkery, don't do it. And learn to move on and let go. You really don't need anything from him.

Watchingtheworldgoby · 20/08/2018 01:30

I'm inclined to say you are already hurting and its obviously very much on your mind so you might as well give it one final shot. But be prepared not to receive a response.

AFAIK if you have been blocked on FB, their names don't appear on search engines and any posts they are tagged in come up as the name only and not a name you can click into their profile. That is my understanding of it anyway. It is likely he did see your FB message. My sister is on FB but never comments or likes any posts. People think she just has an account but doesn't use FB. But she looks at FB every day but pretends she doesn't. No idea why but she is a secretive person.

moredoll · 20/08/2018 01:41

YABU

ItWasAlIADream · 20/08/2018 02:16

sorry to be harsh but you sound quite desperate and a little obsessed sad

this.

RabbitsAreTasty · 20/08/2018 02:26

Have you had your angry phase yet? You haven't mentioned it. Lots of self flaggelation and wanting to know what you did wrong or what genuine problem he had and a need for it all to be right.

Have you yet, say, gone out for a few drinks with your brother and ranted about how fucking dare he have treated me like that, what a total thundercunt, who does he think he is, you were right bro he's a total dick, why didn't I see it. Fucking ghosting twatbadger.

MN hint: when having a rant combine bad swears with furry animals. It works. Cockwomble.

Find your anger. How very fucking dare he.

PatchworkElmer · 20/08/2018 07:41

Don’t contact him. It’s not worth your emotional energy.

FuckPants · 20/08/2018 07:47

You sound obsessed, checking up on him using fake accounts etc, stop trying to stalk him!

MadMaryBoddington · 20/08/2018 07:52

I would contact him, but that’s just me.

dangerrabbit · 20/08/2018 08:57

Time to move on and ignore.

CandidaAlbicans · 20/08/2018 10:00

Leave it. He's rejected you twice and (sorry, this will sound harsh) but if I'd rejected someone twice and they still tried to be friends I'd think they were borderline stalkery and had issues. The more they do it the less attractive they get too! You need to move on, he's just not into you. And just because he ghosted you doesn't mean you did anything wrong, just that he didn't want to keep in touch (relationships move on all the time) and that was his way of baling out. As another poster said "find your anger". You say you're sad, but aren't you annoyed that he's ignored you?

decentchap · 20/08/2018 10:04

Sorry - as usual no sympathy for your 'lost years'. Thats just what it is.
He has moved on and I have to say from what you say he has probably turned to his feminine side and thats why caring for you is impossible - he's gay and doesnt want you to think less of him.
Leave him to himself as you would have done before face . Is your life so seriously inward looking that you gaze back with wistful love for the past? Move on, treasure the memory and make some more with other men.

cees · 20/08/2018 10:11

Leave him alone, he obviously left you in his past, stay there. Harsh but if all you're looking for is a polite hello through email now and then, what's the big deal just letting him be. If he wanted you as a friend he would have made the effort to, he didn't, move on.