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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To contact someone who ghosted me years ago?

108 replies

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 20:41

Childhood friend until our mid 20s. Good friendship which was later mostly correspondence based with odd meetups. No romantic feelings from him to me and I was a bit swoony as he was v handsome but nothing I ever said or acted on, just mild crushing. We weren't right for each other and I'd never have risked mortifying myself and losing our friendship. Then he just stopped responding to my letters and emails. He'd always been slightly flaky so I kept it up for a while before I realised that there really weren't any replies coming. Checked the address etc. I've got two theories - 1 is that he twigged I slightly fancied him and didn't handle it well so decided to cut me off. 2 is that I know he had a falling out with my brother. Nothing serious they just never really liked each other and it came to a head with a bit of shouting and blaming on both sides (I think my brother behaved arrogantly and I think he was unnecessarily rude to my brother, though I've never expressed these thoughts). Maybe he blamed me for staying out of it, or decided to cut me off alongside my brother? He popped up on Facebook a few years later, friends with some of my friends, and I sent a request and a friendly note but it got ignored. I've left it since then. It's probably 15 years since last friendly contact. I was terribly hurt and sad that he cut me out, but I also miss him and the lovely friendship we shared. He was there for me through some ups and downs, and vice versa. I've recently been in touch with a mutual friend and on the spur of the moment asked if she had a current email address for him and she said yes and has given it to me. She also let me know he's had some mental health problems. WIBU to try contacting him again? You shouldn't give up on people, right?

OP posts:

ImNotAsGreenasImCabbageLooking · 19/08/2018 22:24

I don't think you’ve got anything to lose tbh
Well, only whatever bit of self respect you've got .

Why are posters encouraging her to contact him again?? Op said he stopped responding to letters and emails and she carried on for a while before I realised that there really weren't any replies coming.

He was on Facebook but didn't respond to friend request yet Ops reasons for this include may not have got the message, may have left Facebook and only a half hearted he could have blocked me. Blocking is the most likely explanation based on the information available ffs!

I suspect this man tried to get OP to back off before deciding to stop contacting her but she apparently refuses to get the message as 15 bloody years later she's still looking to justify pushing contact and seems determined to ignore the very obvious fact that he's not interested.

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 22:38

No, not single. Happily married and lovely kids.

Crush was very mild and of the teenage 'he's so dreamy' variety. I've got dozens of friends that I've left behind in the past (I don't stay in touch with anyone from high school or uni at all!) - the hanging on feeling is really just related to wanting to know what I did wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 22:41

He was on Facebook but didn't respond to friend request yet Ops reasons for this include may not have got the message, may have left Facebook and only a half hearted he could have blocked me. Blocking is the most likely explanation based on the information available ffs!

I actually think the most likely explanation is that he read my message, ignored it AND that he left FB quite quickly as it was not his kind of thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 22:42

But, importantly, that he ignored it because he wanted to ignore it. Not that he ignored it because he left. I really don't think that.

OP posts:

ImNotAsGreenasImCabbageLooking · 19/08/2018 22:47

Holy I'm sorry to be harsh but you have to see that asking for an explanation after 15 years of not just no contact, but him not responding to your efforts will make you look unhinged.

I'm realise losing that friendship is still upsetting you but nobody should be backed into a corner and forced to tell someone "it's because I don't like you" or "I knew you fancied me and didn't feel the same or whatever his reasons were! It's completely inappropriate to keep pushing it at this point, he doesn't owe you anything at all.

FarrahMoan · 19/08/2018 22:56

Do it. Otherwise it'll be like an itch you can't scratch. If he ignores your email at least you'll know.
He may feel like he acted unreasonably at the time and that you're annoyed, hence not getting in touch himself.
Are you able to ask mutual friends to sound out the situation?

Smallhorse · 19/08/2018 22:56

If not single definitely don’t do it.

And if single , don’t do it either

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 22:56

I don't think I really want an explanation, just to exchange 'hi's so that the past feels less uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Smallhorse · 19/08/2018 22:57

Actually, ask your husband what they think you should do. Presumably he knows you and the situation better than any of us.

Smallhorse · 19/08/2018 22:58

But the past is PAST.
you don’t have to feel uncomfortable about it.
Just don’t think about it. It is PAST.

PolkaHots · 19/08/2018 23:00

I think asking your husband is a good idea actually. If you don’t want to ask your husband, why not?

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 23:00

I could sound out mutual friends but I feel a bit embarrassed. I don't know what, if anything, he ever said to them and I don't want to make anyone feel awkward.

OP posts:

ImNotAsGreenasImCabbageLooking · 19/08/2018 23:02

All this angst because you just want to say Hi? And that would make the past feel less uncomfortable?

Indon't think you know what you want from this guy but you're fixated on him or the person he used to be to you, for whatever reasons. It's not mentally healthy at all IMO.

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 23:04

Husband knows about it and met the friend a few times back when we were still friends (been with DH a long time). He's not got much of an opinion either way tbh. He's not one for overthinking. He's said something along the lines of 'Do it if you want but he might not reply'.

OP posts:

notacooldad · 19/08/2018 23:04

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that if I were you I’d email him. What’s the worst that can happen? He ignores you? He sends a snotty email back?
Well the OPs self esteem is already in shreds. I would imagine it would feel like a kicking while she is already down!

I would say to him that you just want to close this off. He doesn't care! She has tried to be in touch before and he has ignored, why stroke his ego and get nothing back.

yellowspottedwellies · 19/08/2018 23:05

Make a new Facebook profile - use a pseudonym though - and search him. If he is, you'll know he's blocked you and you can move on knowing contact between you just isn't meant to be.

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 23:06

I know it sounds like I'm fixated because I'm focusing on it as the topic of this thread but really I forget he exists for years at a time these days.

It's only come back into my head recently due to mutual friends posting on FB and mentioning him to me and made me wonder if I should have one last stab at reconnecting, particularly in light of hearing about his poor mental health.

OP posts:

lunchboxloony · 19/08/2018 23:08

I've had something similar. A really close friend suddenly cut me off years ago, then much later came back into my life, then several years later disappeared again. It wasn't just me but another mutual friend - and probably others that I don't know of. He apologised for the gap and said he had stuff going on - for various reasons I took that to mean drugs, but my sister thinks he may have MH issues (she has some experience of that). Anyway, this time I sent a last text just to say 'hope all is OK, I'm here if/whenever you want to get back in contact' and left it at that.

He didn't cut me off the first time because he didn't like me - so your friend may be the same. I'm not sure I'd use his email but you can message him on FB to say something similar - then you really have to leave the ball in his court. I still feel the same as you (no hidden agenda as my friend is gay) - partly I think because we have so much history and such good times together, and partly because it feels so unfinished - but there's really not much more we can do.

ImNotAsGreenasImCabbageLooking · 19/08/2018 23:11

Well Holy if that's true then you need to put him out of your head again because no good is going to come of this. You might end up feeling worse about it than you do now because you risk forcing former friend to tell you very firmly to go away and stay away in order to ensure you finally get the message.

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 23:14

lunchboxloony I'm so sorry that your friend cut you off. It definitely does sound like it's him not you. I'm sorry you've been through this but thanks for sharing as it does make me think it's probably really clear from the outside that this is my ex friend's issue not anything I did wrong.

OP posts:

PalePinkSwan · 19/08/2018 23:15

Ok....going against the grain here, I think the fact that he’s had mental health issues (and you don’t know the details of those) changes things a bit.

A friend of mine cut me off without explanation, then reappeared 4 years later - I eventually found out from his mum that he’d spent some of that time under section in a mental hospital.

I wouldn’t email him out of the blue. As you still have friends in common, you could ask one of them to just pass on a message - x says hello, hopes you’re doing well, and to let her know if you’re ever in y town, for example.

It’s less intrusive than an email but let’s him know you’re open to the friendship resuming.

Original poster

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 23:22

I could potentially tell the one that gave me his email address that I've realised it would be a bit weird to email him out of the blue but to say hi from me next time she's in touch.

But on the other hand even thinking about saying that makes me cringe so I might just forget it!

OP posts:

Butterflycookie · 19/08/2018 23:32

I think you should at least try. You never know

AlphaBravo · 19/08/2018 23:41

He was in love with you OP.

FFS.

AlphaBravo · 19/08/2018 23:43

Just email him. Worst that can happen - he doesn't reply. No biggy. You know where you stand then.

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