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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact someone who ghosted me years ago?

108 replies

Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 20:41

Childhood friend until our mid 20s. Good friendship which was later mostly correspondence based with odd meetups. No romantic feelings from him to me and I was a bit swoony as he was v handsome but nothing I ever said or acted on, just mild crushing. We weren't right for each other and I'd never have risked mortifying myself and losing our friendship. Then he just stopped responding to my letters and emails. He'd always been slightly flaky so I kept it up for a while before I realised that there really weren't any replies coming. Checked the address etc. I've got two theories - 1 is that he twigged I slightly fancied him and didn't handle it well so decided to cut me off. 2 is that I know he had a falling out with my brother. Nothing serious they just never really liked each other and it came to a head with a bit of shouting and blaming on both sides (I think my brother behaved arrogantly and I think he was unnecessarily rude to my brother, though I've never expressed these thoughts). Maybe he blamed me for staying out of it, or decided to cut me off alongside my brother? He popped up on Facebook a few years later, friends with some of my friends, and I sent a request and a friendly note but it got ignored. I've left it since then. It's probably 15 years since last friendly contact. I was terribly hurt and sad that he cut me out, but I also miss him and the lovely friendship we shared. He was there for me through some ups and downs, and vice versa. I've recently been in touch with a mutual friend and on the spur of the moment asked if she had a current email address for him and she said yes and has given it to me. She also let me know he's had some mental health problems. WIBU to try contacting him again? You shouldn't give up on people, right?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/08/2018 21:35

How likely is it that you'll feel even worse if he doesn't reply again?

There's nothing to suggest that he will.

RachelAnneJ · 19/08/2018 21:36

He may feel awkward and embarrassed about how things ended.

Can you get your mutual friend to tell him you've asked for his email address and ask him if it's okay to pass it on?

He doesn't need to know it's already happened!

SummerStrong · 19/08/2018 21:36

It seems you're going to do it anyway....despite the fact that everybody here says it's a bad idea and you know it's bad idea.

OutPinked · 19/08/2018 21:37

Honestly, I have had old friends pop up from the past before and it can be nice to hear from them but it can also just be a bit awkward. I also always think if the person wanted you to contact, they’d have contacted you first. He knows your Facebook and hasn’t been in touch therefore I’d let sleeping dogs lie.

gamerwidow · 19/08/2018 21:37

Seriously leave him be. If you were a man contacting a woman who didn’t want to see you anymore 15 years ago we’d all think you were a weird stalker.

SuperPug · 19/08/2018 21:39

He sounds awful to be honest. Keeps in contact with others but can't be bothered with you? Ignores all forms of communication? Your brother has expressed concern? He's told you (very clearly) that he can't be bothered.

Planesmistakenforstars · 19/08/2018 21:40

He has had many opportunities to contact you, and by repeatedly not doing so is telling you very clearly that he isn't interested in being friends. Why would you hang on to someone who doesn't care enough about you to send a quick message? I agree with the other poster, don't pursue a friendship with someone who doesn't appreciate you. Please don't use an email address he didn't give you himself, that is stalkerish.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 19/08/2018 21:42

It’s all rather odd isn’t it and rather conflicting that he sent good wishes and love via your visiting friends but ignored your friend request on Fb. Maybe he didn’t see it? Maybe the Fb message (as you’re not actual Fb friends) landed in a different message box that he didn’t see - this has happened to me. Who knows? But my inclination would be to leave it - he could easily send you a message or a Fb friend request himself - if you have mutual friends you’d be easy to find.

SirGawain · 19/08/2018 21:44

Never go back. The past is a foreign country.

Original poster
Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 21:47

He's no longer on FB - he's not a Facebook type person at all to be honest, I was very surprised to see him on social media. Well, I think he's no longer on there - he could have blocked me. It's possible that he didn't get the FB message I guess, but he didn't respond to the friend request (it was always pending, never declined).

To whoever said I'm going to go ahead with it, I promise I'm listening - and just being honest that there is still a bit of me that wants to. I think at the very least I won't wade in and just email him without speaking further to the mutual friend. Or maybe I'll be strong enough to just leave it. I guess there's also a bit of me saying that people with MH problems do sometimes behave in ways that are hurtful.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/08/2018 21:52

What he said to your friends just sounds like a polite platitude to me.

But tbh you might as well email him as wonder. The worst that can happen is he ignores or tells you to fuck off. It won't harm anyone but you. So fuck it, why not?

Honeyroar · 19/08/2018 21:52

He's not been very nice to you on more than one occasion. Initially when he ghosted you and again when he didn't respond to your Facebook message and request. Don't let him do it again - he's not going to go back to being the lovely friend you thought he was, he's not going to do breezy and casual, he's just going to ignore you. Again. It's not nice, but it's him not you. But that's your reason - he's selfish and rude - that's why he ghosted you and has never given you a reason. Your brother possibly sussed him out better than you did.

As people have said, worry about people that are real friends. Don't be a moth to the flame.

ImNotAsGreenasImCabbageLooking · 19/08/2018 21:59

I think you read far too much into mutual friends "X sends his love". It's the sort of thing a person might say when someone they're socialising with mentions they'll be seeing other (formerly) mutual friends. It's not particularly weird and the correct response IMO would have been "Oh that's nice" or whatever rather than expressing astonishment and having a conversation about how he'd cut you off.

No wonder your friends got a bit vague, it was odd to get into all that when at that point it had been a decade since you and he were friends Confused!

Four years later you're still hanging onto "X sends his love" as though it had some meaning but if he wanted to be in your life he would be. You've made enough approaches, he's not interested.

I think you are still crushing on him a bit Op and that's ok, it happens but there's a difference between occasionally wondering "what if" and taking steps to yet again try to have contact with someone who clearly doesn't want to.

PolkaHots · 19/08/2018 22:04

So you have contacted him multiple times without a reply? I would leave it now.

It’s clear that you want people to say that his mental health problems are behind him ignoring you, but I would say that is unlikely over this length of time.

You are grasping at straws with the ‘sends his love’ thing.

quizqueen · 19/08/2018 22:04

Why don't you suggest to your mutual friend that she offer him your email and say you asked about him. It doesn't sound as if you are chasing him then. After that, the ball's in his court and if he doesn't make contact then you will just have to forget about him, I'm afraid.

Lalliella · 19/08/2018 22:08

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that if I were you I’d email him. What’s the worst that can happen? He ignores you? He sends a snotty email back? I would say to him that you just want to close this off and know why he’s ghosted you, so that you can either resolve it, or put it to bed once and for all and never contact him again. Tell him what you’ve told us - what his friendship meant and how you’ve missed him and how you don’t understand what happened. I don’t think you’ve got anything to lose tbh.

DeliberatelyGinger · 19/08/2018 22:10

I've been ghosted by a childhood friend and I know how tough it is. A feel totally powerless as all my attempts at contact go unanswered. She stopped responding after she had gone quiet on the net to everyone, and I sent her a PM to say she could talk to me if she had any issues. I don't know if this is the reason she cut me off but maybe I scared her off?
If someone doesn't want to speak to you, there isn't a lot you can do. I know that's frustrating but you have to let go. I just wish I knew what I'd done.

dontbesillyhenry · 19/08/2018 22:11

You sound quite unhinged at the moment. He isn't interested. It couldn't be more obvious and the depth you've analysed the situation like some dissertation is just plain odd

Original poster
Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 22:13

Thank you DeliberatelyGinger and everyone who has shared ghosting stories. It does help in a weird way to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through this and that the feelings are normal.

OP posts:
Laiste · 19/08/2018 22:13

He's no longer on FB ... Well, I think he's no longer on there - he could have blocked me

Oh gawd. Well that's something you should rule out before even thinking about emailing !

I know eff all about FB. How can OP find out if he's blocked her?

QueenoftheNights · 19/08/2018 22:16

I know what it;s like to have unfinished business in your head. You have 2 choices.

Contact him but be prepared for no reply and think how that will feel.

Do not contact him and spend emotional energy wondering if you should.

Simple choices. The MN verdict is always do not contact. I don't go along with that- contact him if you want to but be prepared for no reply or a 'bugger off and leave me alone.'

Laiste · 19/08/2018 22:16

I know how it feels OP. I imaging most of us do. Even - probably precisely because they know - the posters who are telling you to leave alone.

It's happening to me at the mo. But as a pp just said, if someone doesn't want to speak to you then that's that. The ONLY thing you can do is show them the door is open your side. And you've done that already.

Original poster
Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 22:17

I could ask mutual friend if he's still on there but I'd rather not. Another mutual friend posted photos the other day and he was in them and mentioned but not tagged, plus as I said he's not the kind of guy you'd expect to be on FB at all - I was more surprised to see him that one time a few years back than I am to see him gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holyguacamoley · 19/08/2018 22:19

My self esteem is not the best!

I genuinely forget about him for years at a time, by the way, but recently come back into my head due to seeing the mutual friend. It's not like I dwell on it, but when I do occasionally think about him I feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Smallhorse · 19/08/2018 22:23

Are you single ?

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