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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit unimpressed with partner over this?

104 replies

Firenzee · 19/08/2018 00:46

Friends coming over for Sunday lunch. Was going to be barbeque but forecast here is rain so have a back up plan in case.

I've spent the day cleaning house- I do that normally on a Sat but have done extra as visitors coming. Tomorrow I'm mowing lawns and tidying garden, popping to shops for stuff I forgot or couldn't get today, and then prepping food.

While I rushed around today my DP came over mid afternoon and kicked back watching tv/ playing on the ps4. Tomorrow he's coming over when friends are due so clearly I won't get any help tomorrow either.

What makes it worse is his family are staying about 20 miles away, he's arranged we go and see them tomorrow evening meaning I will have to tell friends to leave at 5 (they're only getting to me at 2) so we can get there. Family could have come here but he insists we go there instead. Then I hear him on the phone talking to his family about the barbecue (which if we do it he was going to cook for, men and fire etc) saying oh yeah well if it rains I just won't bother with the whole afternoon Hmm

Am I just tired and worn out and therefore being over sensitive or is this a bit shit?

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 19/08/2018 00:49

Please don’t tell your friends to leave.
Just don’t go to see his parents with him. He is taking you for granted and made arrangements without telling you so you are under no obligation to go with him.

Graphista · 19/08/2018 00:49

Why are you letting him organise you?

You don't even live together yea?

He doesn't get to make arrangements when to see his parents without checking if it suits you first. Come on stand up for yourself.

Abouttoblow · 19/08/2018 00:49

It's not a bit shit, it's a complete piss take.
Tell him to fuck right off.
Would you tolerate a friend treating you like this? Probably not therefore don't take it from a partner.

Original poster
Firenzee · 19/08/2018 00:51

He asked if I wanted to see his family to which I said yes assuming they would come here, and I said my friends would probably head off early evening. 5 isn't early evening though!

OP posts:
Takfujimoto · 19/08/2018 00:59

Just tell him you thought it was obvious since you had a party planned that his parents were coming over yours, but if not then you'll go with him next time.

He doesn't get to rearrange your day at all.

You've gone to so much trouble why ruin your fun and your friends evening because he expects you to just stop what you're doing so it suits his plans.

Or phone his family and invite them round yourself 🤷‍♀️ if your so inclined.

TheStoic · 19/08/2018 01:12

You need to stand up for yourself, or this treatment and behaviour will continue.

Are you afraid of annoying him? He doesn’t seem to be afraid of annoying you.

Guienne · 19/08/2018 01:19

I take it you asked him to help when he came over? What did he say?

CommanderDaisy · 19/08/2018 01:27

I would just say something to him directly.
"I didn't realise we would have to go out to see your family, and my friends won't leave till 7 or so, I think I'll have to give it a miss this time."
If necessary and if you have met his family before, call his Mum to apologise that your DP has made plans that clash with prior arrangements you have made and that you can't make it this time'

And yes, it's absolutely a bit shit. Did you specifically ask him for help? Or were you dusting the lounge while he was sitting in it? If the latter, you can justifiably be cross.

Leeds2 · 19/08/2018 01:32

He probably wants you to drive, so that he can have a drink at BBQ and at parents' later.
I would tell him to go straight to his parents, and that you will see him later in the week, if that suits you. Do NOT ask your friends to leave at 5.

TornFromTheInside · 19/08/2018 01:35

It's a bit crap - he can work out the hours himself and realise 3 hours isn't much for a BBQ and a decent amount of time with your friends / mutual friends.

He's being oblivious to the effort required in hosting your BBQ. Maybe just blind to it, or maybe choosing to be blind to it.

He could get the extra stuff on his way to yours and then do the lawns for you - that would be a start.

Unfortunate timing regarding his family, but I can understand why he'd want to see them, but he could leave that until a little later, and maybe give you a hand at the BBQ at least getting clear of some of the rubbish etc, and then leave you to the rest of the evening with friends - e.g. he could do a fair bit of washing up from the main BBQ, and by early evening, he can go and see family while you relax a BIT - with drinks, and less cleaning to do.

timeisnotaline · 19/08/2018 01:38

Don’t go to his parents. He was prepared to bin your thing off. Can you do a bbq without him?

Uncreative · 19/08/2018 01:39

You mean ExDP, right?

Butterymuffin · 19/08/2018 01:49

Just don't go.

1forAll74 · 19/08/2018 02:06

Its all a mess up, and you have done all the work,,so just do what you want to do, and don't even think about your partners ideas.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/08/2018 02:16

Nah, fuck all of that.
He wants to see his family, off he goes. By himself.
He doesn't want to put any effort into seeing your friends, then he needn't bother with that either. How long have you been together? Is he normally better than this?

Rebecca36 · 19/08/2018 02:16

What HotSauceCommittee said.

LuluJakey1 · 19/08/2018 02:23

It is very shit, not a bit but you are letting him do it, all of it.

KataraJean · 19/08/2018 02:24

YY to Ex-DP
You can BBQ or host your party without him and enjoy your friend’s company for as long as you and they choose.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 19/08/2018 02:30

Say to him and his family there's no way the friends are leaving at 5, it'll be more like 6:30 at the earliest. You'll get there when you can. If his family are decent they'll understand. This was arranged first.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2018 02:36

Op, you are allowing him to run roughshod over you. IN YOUR OWN HOME. Don't you see how fucking outrageous this is? Tell this lazy prick he can visit his parents all by himself, and while you're at it, throw his sodding video game shite into the rubbish.

thebewilderness · 19/08/2018 02:38

YANBU! He is obviously a jerk and I am glad you are finding this out about him early days.
Tell him no, and then you will really find out what he is made of.

Original poster
Firenzee · 19/08/2018 07:37

We've been together nearly 5 years so it's not exactly early days. His family have never been to my house (or met my DC) although they only visit this part of the country about once a year.

The not helping is a big thing. If the shoe were on the other foot I would pitch in. But he seems to have this 'your house your problem' thing. He does sometimes help, but I would always...That's the difference. It makes me wonder about what it will be like when we live together. I'm not doing all the work.

He doesn't drink so it's not that he wants me to drive. I've text him this morning to say that I can't do 5 and I will meet them a bit later. Will see what response that gets.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 19/08/2018 07:44

'When we live together' makes it sound like an inevitability. I'd rethink if I was you. And work on your ability to say what you want and need from your partner.

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2018 07:48

I wouldn’t live with him.

Fishface77 · 19/08/2018 07:49

Thank for you don’t live together!
He sounds like he has very little respect, liking or caring for you op!

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