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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit unimpressed with partner over this?

104 replies

Firenzee · 19/08/2018 00:46

Friends coming over for Sunday lunch. Was going to be barbeque but forecast here is rain so have a back up plan in case.

I've spent the day cleaning house- I do that normally on a Sat but have done extra as visitors coming. Tomorrow I'm mowing lawns and tidying garden, popping to shops for stuff I forgot or couldn't get today, and then prepping food.

While I rushed around today my DP came over mid afternoon and kicked back watching tv/ playing on the ps4. Tomorrow he's coming over when friends are due so clearly I won't get any help tomorrow either.

What makes it worse is his family are staying about 20 miles away, he's arranged we go and see them tomorrow evening meaning I will have to tell friends to leave at 5 (they're only getting to me at 2) so we can get there. Family could have come here but he insists we go there instead. Then I hear him on the phone talking to his family about the barbecue (which if we do it he was going to cook for, men and fire etc) saying oh yeah well if it rains I just won't bother with the whole afternoon Hmm

Am I just tired and worn out and therefore being over sensitive or is this a bit shit?

OP posts:
Original poster
Firenzee · 19/08/2018 11:15

I haven't told anyone to leave at 5. I've said to him I will have to join him a bit later.

He cooks at mine but I always clear up and wash up. We don't often eat at his place - that's my choice mainly however he also prefers coming to mine as his place is quite small.

OP posts:
Loonoon · 19/08/2018 11:15

shumpaLumpa. I have no worries about financial security. Before we agreed I would become a mainly SAHM mum I was in finance and am still knowledgable. A lot of ‘our’ assets are in my name only. I sincerely hope we never split up but if we do the last thing I’ll have to worry about is money. We trust each other.

And yes, I can spend what I want. I pretty much run our money as well as our home. We do discuss things particularly if I want to do something like an expensive solo holiday ( I love exotic travel, he hates it) but his salary goes into a joint account and then I organise the day to day outgoings including regularly monthly transfers into accounts in my sole name. He has no idea how much I have in those. and never questions me about spending. He doesn’t have to, as I said, we trust each other.

I’m not saying this is an ideal system or one that would work for everyone. I’m not even saying it’s what I would have chosen at age 25 or what I would advocate for my DC. But for us it’s how things have evolved over 30 years and we are happy with it.

VQ1970 · 19/08/2018 11:36

*Loonoon you don’t need to justify your set up to anyone - if it works for you and you’re happy with it, that’s all that matters. I thought the whole point of feminism is being able to do what pleases you and not being dictated to by a man and that seems to be what you’re doing. You have a lifestyle that you’ve both agreed to and everyone is happy.

I don’t know why shumpaLumpa is so invested in your lifestyle choices, they’re not affected by them.

mywheatbagismybff · 19/08/2018 11:53

I'd rather be alone than in a 'relationship' with someone like this. He's shit. Living together will not go well. You will just end up with an extra child to look after.

ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 12:15

Loonoon sounds like a fair set-up, thanks for explaining.

VQ1970 of course Loonoon knows she doesn't have to explain her set up to anyone. It's a discussion forum and I asked her one question, which she chose to answer. I hardly think that constitutes as being '

ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 12:16

I hardly think that constitutes being 'invested in her lifestyle choices'. Hmm

serbska · 19/08/2018 12:19

He doesn’t really sound like much or a partner.

Oldraver · 19/08/2018 12:25

I wouldn't bother shoo-ing your friends off early. They are more important than parents you haven't met in 5 years

Ignoramusgiganticus · 19/08/2018 12:30

If you don't ask or insist you don't get.

Tell him to shape up or ship out.

MatildaTheCat · 19/08/2018 12:31

He’s a lazy bugger. They don’t tend to improve over time. You can

  1. Accept it.
2.Resent it and get called a nag for asking for help.
  1. Do something about it.
Ragwort · 19/08/2018 12:43

Why on earth are your standards so low? I wouldn't put up with a grown man (partner Hmm) coming round to my house when I was busy and just sitting on his arse gaming - I wouldn't put up with that from any friend who was visiting, let alone someone you are meant to be in a relationship with.

I am constantly shocked and dismayed at the incredibly low standards some mumsnetters accept in a relationship - surely being on your own is better than being treated like this? Exactly what do you get out of this relationship?

DarlingNikita · 19/08/2018 12:50

While I rushed around today my DP came over mid afternoon and kicked back watching tv/ playing on the ps4.

Why did you let him? The correct approach is 'Seeing as you're here, can you hoover in this room/pick up x from the shop please?' etc.

He thinks he can order you about, sit on his arse while you work and take credit for your efforts. That needs sorting out.

Happityhap · 19/08/2018 12:52

Stop cleaning at his. Take your book, pour a glass of wine and relax.

Are you doing cleaning at his? If so, stop.

Racecardriver · 19/08/2018 12:56

You really sound like you are with him because he could be worse. Generally your self esteem comes across like it isn't great. Do you really think that being alone would be worse than being with someone who treats you like a lacky.

LeftRightCentre · 19/08/2018 13:01

What Ragwort said. He's a shit excuse for a boyfriend, not a partner in any sense. NO idea why you'd rather waste time with a cock like this than be alone.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 19/08/2018 13:10

He sounds a bit crap, lazy and selfish. Glad you are not packing up at 5pm on his account. Don’t make someone a priority unless it’s mutual.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 19/08/2018 13:20

Well I don't live with my boyfriend and wouldn't expect him to clean my house. Although he does if I've asked for help with something. And if I go to work earlier than he does when he stays over I'll get back to find my room tidied or the pots washed or something.

I wouldn't join him later either. Just stay with your friends. After they've gone you'll probably want to relax anyway.

AlansLeftMoob · 19/08/2018 13:22

Nope, do not tell your friends to leave early. Tell him to go to his parents on his own, he should have checked with you before making that arrangement.

OctaviaOctober · 19/08/2018 14:40

Enjoy time with your friends. Don't send them packing early if you're having fun. You can see his parents another time. He was unreasonable to organize it on the same day. Is it possible he dislikes your friends so was trying to sabotage you?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/08/2018 14:40

I wouldn't be lettibf him dictate my social life treating me like a move able feast.. Especially when he contributes so little....

So he doesn't like entertaining at his small house ... How very convenient..... So you get to do all the slog.... He does the nice stuff... Cooking with a flourish... And you get to do all the tidying up

Original poster
Firenzee · 20/08/2018 18:10

The whole helping me with jobs is difficult. From his perspective this isn't his house why should he pitch in? He does help with some tasks, but only if I specifically ask for his help and then only if I agree to help him with the task. Ie I've got a couple of curtain rails to put up. I can't do it myself because I don't have the strength to drill the holes even with a hammer drill (DP can just about manage it and he has significantly more upper body strength than me). He will do that if I ask but I will have to stand next to him handing him the bits and with the vacuum to clean up.

My Ex (father of my DC) would have just got on and done it without being asked, indeed when we were at the pre living together stage would go round my house noticing little jobs and then (having checked with me it was ok) getting on and doing them. Never asked for my help. He was an awful partner in many many other ways though so I am certainly not viewing the past with rose tinted specs.

But then asking friends they don't do anything at their DPs houses...and I notice some posters upthread say similar.

My concern is that this is how it will be if we live together which is not acceptable to me!

Just to add, friends left at 7, and we went and met his family at 8. So a compromise was reached - friends who were drinking were happy to stay longer but the designated driver wanted to go no later than 7 so all worked well.

OP posts:
Shambu · 20/08/2018 18:50

That's not why he doesn't help OP. He doesn't help because he is a lazy entitled arse.

He cooks at your house but he doesn't clear up. I bet when you cook he doesn't clear up. You would be exactly the same to live with. He doesn't do it because he thinks it's woman's work. And what's with the not doing the DIY if you're not there helping him? That's really weird.

Shambu · 20/08/2018 18:52

^He not you.

Happityhap · 21/08/2018 08:41

It's not just a problem about who does which jobs.
It's your P showing an ungenerous and uncaring attitude towards you.

knicksfan · 21/08/2018 08:47

If he doesn't live with you why are you letting him do this in your house