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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit unimpressed with partner over this?

104 replies

Firenzee · 19/08/2018 00:46

Friends coming over for Sunday lunch. Was going to be barbeque but forecast here is rain so have a back up plan in case.

I've spent the day cleaning house- I do that normally on a Sat but have done extra as visitors coming. Tomorrow I'm mowing lawns and tidying garden, popping to shops for stuff I forgot or couldn't get today, and then prepping food.

While I rushed around today my DP came over mid afternoon and kicked back watching tv/ playing on the ps4. Tomorrow he's coming over when friends are due so clearly I won't get any help tomorrow either.

What makes it worse is his family are staying about 20 miles away, he's arranged we go and see them tomorrow evening meaning I will have to tell friends to leave at 5 (they're only getting to me at 2) so we can get there. Family could have come here but he insists we go there instead. Then I hear him on the phone talking to his family about the barbecue (which if we do it he was going to cook for, men and fire etc) saying oh yeah well if it rains I just won't bother with the whole afternoon Hmm

Am I just tired and worn out and therefore being over sensitive or is this a bit shit?

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 19/08/2018 07:49

will you actually want to go to his relatives after the BBQ?
cant you just cancel visiting the relatives?

Shoxfordian · 19/08/2018 07:51

He'll be exactly the same when you live together.
He sounds selfish. Why are you bothering? Life is too short

Ellie56 · 19/08/2018 07:58

What makes you think he'll change "when" you live together? I'd knock that idea on the head. It'll just be worse as he will be there all the time, playing on the bloody ps4 and watching tv and not doing any of the housework. And telling you what to do all the time.Hmm

He sounds like a twat. Time for a rethink.You can do better than him. You deserve better.

Original poster
Firenzee · 19/08/2018 08:02

I'm bothering because we do get on very well generally. He is supportive in other ways.

I was single for 8 years before I met him, I went on many, many dates so it's not like I wasn't looking. But when I met him I knew it was different. I don't know if I can face another 8 years of shit dates again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Firenzee · 19/08/2018 08:04

As for there being better out there, that wasnt my experience - what many years of dating told me is that there definitely is much much worse out there.

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 19/08/2018 08:08

Just being better than 8 years of shit dates isn’t good enough.

timeisnotaline · 19/08/2018 08:10

That’s so sad op. It sounds like you are settling for cleaning up after him and working around him and pandering to his schedule for life because there is worse out there.
But , have you even tried? Explained this isn’t how an equal relationship works? It would be hard to get him to suddenly step up but it would be easy to push back on boundaries like today and to step down - Stop cleaning at his. Take your book, pour a glass of wine and relax. If you are seriously thinking about moving in you need to push very hard for a more equal relationship. This is not equal.

Shambu · 19/08/2018 08:11

This is a shit date though. Years of shit dates with a lazy-arsed man who doesn't give a stuff.

Personally I'd rather be single.

Awrite · 19/08/2018 08:12

I wouldn't go to his parents' house. Surely you'll be tired after hosting.

I wouldn't want to be stressed about when my friends leave either.

Like someone else said - he doesn't seem to mind upsetting you with regards to plans so why worry about sticking to your already made plans?

Beaverhausen · 19/08/2018 08:13

Oh OP no no no do not tell me you are sticking around with this selfish twat just because you are scared of being alone or not meeting someone else. No no no no no!

He is selfish and does not care about what you want or have arranged and I doubt it has been the first time either. The mere fact that he told his family he will not bother with the day if it rains speaks volumes.

But i tell you what you stick with this man no doubt you will have a very fulfilling and loving life with him. You obviously feel being treated like second best is worth it.

lolaflores · 19/08/2018 08:13

Alone is better than this. Don't settle for a bit shit. How can this be better than alone but with your dignity intact?
You are now minimising how blindingly shite he actually is as you are obviously aware of it but don't want to be asked to account for reasons you are still there...

Juells · 19/08/2018 08:15

I don't understand the 'partner' thing when people don't live together. In that kind of relationship I wouldn't go to a boyfriend's house and knock myself out doing things for a bbq he'd arranged, I'd consider it his own responsibility. If he phoned and asked me to pick up something from the shops on my way I'd oblige, but that would be the extent of my helping out.

Sitting in the house the day before watching tv was taking the piss though. And I wouldn't be leaving my own bbq early to meet his family either.

LotsToThinkOf · 19/08/2018 08:16

The first issue is communication - I'd have taken 5pm to mean early evening, so I don't think he was wrong on that count, more so because his family only visit the area once a year so he's not exactly in control of the arrangements.

Secondly, then not helping is a problem but there again you don't live together so he's not exactly obliged to help you clean. He could have offered but this depends on how comfortable he is in your home really. He obviously wants to see you when he knows you're busy so he's just sort of hanging around.

It does sound like you're on different pages though and your expectations are different. You should probably talk to him about it.

Loonoon · 19/08/2018 08:16

I’ve been married 30 years and DH would definitely sit on his arse watching tv while I ran around like a loony. He is very old fashioned and sees his role in the family as bread winner and putting the bins out. However I am not a door mat or a martyr so I tell him what needs to be done and let him crack on.

Equally, if I had plans with my friends and he made other plans with his family I would tell him to enjoy himself and ask him to send them my love. This afternoon is a case in point - we have been invited to my mates for a party, he has now found out he will have to visit his elderly mum. He will leave the party early and head off to his mums. I will wave him a cheery goodbye and continue socialising. He is my husband and I love him dearly but we are not joined at the hip.

Aspergallus · 19/08/2018 08:18

Why do you refer to him as a partner?

You don’t live together, he isn’t partnering you in any way to entertain friends and him, he isn’t partnering you in planning what time things end...in a partnership these things are agreed in discussion and negotiation. This just sounds like two lives (badly) colliding.

So in what ways does he behave as a partner?

Original poster
Firenzee · 19/08/2018 08:19

I won't be living with him unless things improve. He did help more in the past. .I'm not quite sure when or why that stopped.

Like Juells post above he considers things at my house my responsibility.

OP posts:
Aspergallus · 19/08/2018 08:22

But you’ve been together 5 years? And you are going to give him more time to improve?

AfterSchoolWorry · 19/08/2018 08:25

Like Juells post above he considers things at my house my responsibility

Well that cuts both ways. His family obligations are his responsibility. He can't have it all his way.

Inertia · 19/08/2018 08:26

Just tell him that you won't be telling your friends to leave,either he goes alone or family come to you.

If he wasn't going to help with the house you should have sent him packing back to his,out of the way.

Shambu · 19/08/2018 08:26

He is very old fashioned and sees his role in the family as bread winner and putting the bins out

Sexist, you mean.

Paddingtonthebear · 19/08/2018 08:27

Christ, stand up for yourself woman!

bimbobaggins · 19/08/2018 08:37

Tell him not to bother coming and you have a good time with your friends.

Juells · 19/08/2018 08:40

After five years of 'partnership' I think it's time you looked for a bit of commitment, though. I don't know what age you are, or what you want from the relationship, but it doesn't sound like he adds much to your life.

pictish · 19/08/2018 08:43

I agree with Afterschool - if things at your house are your sole responsibility then it’s the same in return...you don’t do anything to help him at his house. His family are his concern...you don’t have to go, particularly when you already have something scheduled at your place.
Accept that he’s not going to help and similarly don’t go out of your way to accommodate his timetable. It needn’t be snarly...just fair and reasonable.
This is your event...the family visit is his.

Original poster
Firenzee · 19/08/2018 08:44

I don't believe in marriage so I'm not looking for that kind of commitment. And I own my home, mortgage free, so I don't need any financial support from him.

OP posts: