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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit unimpressed with partner over this?

104 replies

Firenzee · 19/08/2018 00:46

Friends coming over for Sunday lunch. Was going to be barbeque but forecast here is rain so have a back up plan in case.

I've spent the day cleaning house- I do that normally on a Sat but have done extra as visitors coming. Tomorrow I'm mowing lawns and tidying garden, popping to shops for stuff I forgot or couldn't get today, and then prepping food.

While I rushed around today my DP came over mid afternoon and kicked back watching tv/ playing on the ps4. Tomorrow he's coming over when friends are due so clearly I won't get any help tomorrow either.

What makes it worse is his family are staying about 20 miles away, he's arranged we go and see them tomorrow evening meaning I will have to tell friends to leave at 5 (they're only getting to me at 2) so we can get there. Family could have come here but he insists we go there instead. Then I hear him on the phone talking to his family about the barbecue (which if we do it he was going to cook for, men and fire etc) saying oh yeah well if it rains I just won't bother with the whole afternoon Hmm

Am I just tired and worn out and therefore being over sensitive or is this a bit shit?

OP posts:
KeiTeNgeNge · 19/08/2018 08:44

Oh boy, he needs to step his game up a bit!

Loonoon · 19/08/2018 08:49

Shambu. I knew someone would pick up,on this and considered changing the wording but if you can’t be honest in an anonymous forum, where can you be?

It is a sexist attitude, there’s no doubt about that but as much as I suffer from it when he’s sitting on his arse expecting me to do ‘women’s work’ I benefit in other ways (like not having to put the bins out and his belief that his much, much higher wages are completely ‘our’ money because that’s his role).

To his credit he is aware it’s old fashioned / sexist/ out of step with modern thinking and is good humoured and accepting when I or our
adult DDs call him out on it. He is also unsexist in his pride in and support of his clever, competent, professionally successful DDs.

He has some sexist attitudes and some more acceptable modern attitudes and the mix works well for us. Unlike the OP who does not seem to be getting what she needs from her partner.

LadyintheRadiator · 19/08/2018 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 19/08/2018 08:53

I had a similar arrangement and TBH neither of us would clean each other's house but we would do neutral stuff like food shopping if we were hosting together.
That's the advantage of living apart. You still get to control your environment without having to consider your partner.

I think you are upset because your expectations of the relationship are misaligned. You are putting a lot in ( time spent with friends, extra cleaning, food prep etc) do rightly you are hacked off to drop it all for his parents ( who also make no effort).

So I agree with everyone else. Don't do it. Explain you have put a lot of work in, tell him you're having a drink or two and can he give them your love.

Cutietips · 19/08/2018 08:53

What happens when you go to his house? Or is it always more convenient (for him) to be at your house? So then you end up doing everything because, you know, it’s ‘your responsibility’ at your house. So by default you end up running after him.

In my view if someone’s a close friend you always offer to help out. If they are a partner, there’s no question that you do your bit. He’s got it cushy really, hasn’t he. He kind of has it both ways being able to claim the lack of responsibility thing while having the regular sex and being looked after that you get in a relationship. However unlike a good relationship he doesn’t reciprocate.

If you lived together he wouldn’t change OP. He clearly has a sense of entitlement but you’re not pushing back and challenging it.

Original poster
Firenzee · 19/08/2018 08:56

Not living together yet is my decision actually. Nothing to do with whether he's 'into me' or not. That's like saying oh you'd be married if he saw any future in your relationship, completely ignoring the fact I am not interested in marriage and never have been.

I do take the points about being a bit clearer in my expectations. If he refuses to meet those, then I'll have to consider our future.

OP posts:
heartsease68 · 19/08/2018 08:56

I don't understand why you're putting yourself under so much pressure and spending days rushing around for the sake of one bbq. Maybe he doesn't see the point of all this work either.

Juells · 19/08/2018 08:56

I don't believe in marriage so I'm not looking for that kind of commitment.

Fair enough. I've never wanted to re-marry, or live with anyone, since my own divorce. But what goes with that unwillingness to commit is that I also wouldn't do any wifely things in someone else's house. I'd let him crack on with preparing whatever he was planning. Equally, I wouldn't want him 'helping' in my house.

As pp mentioned...

Shambu · 19/08/2018 08:56

like not having to put the bins out and his belief that his much, much higher wages are completely ‘our’ money because that’s his role)

Oh so you work as well, you're not a trad SAHM where you could reasonably be expected to do the housework as your choice.

Bins out and shared money is just standard in a marriage, it's not a benefit of sexism and inequality.

You and your DH obviously agree that women are skivvies. But if you're not unhappy with this, it's your life.

StorminaTCut · 19/08/2018 09:00

Oh god, text him.

Im.so tired after cleaning all day yesterday, Im staying in today (with friends) as people will still be her this evening, so i wont be coming with you.

Have a great evening, see you soon you twat

Shambu · 19/08/2018 09:02

I do take the points about being a bit clearer in my expectations

I don't see the point of this. This is who he is. This is his character. You can stand over him and ask him to change to meet your expectations, but if he changes it's not likely to be sincere or to last.

Shambu · 19/08/2018 09:04

I think she can simply they got their wires crossed about timings.

She has a pre-arranged BBQ for friends, and thus won't be available at 5. She'll see them another time.

If you're not living together there's no obligation to see his parents together anyway.

LadyintheRadiator · 19/08/2018 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 19/08/2018 09:05

Cutietips - You can't know that.

Mine aleways came to me because he was childfree. His house was immaculate because he was great at cleaning and tidying. I mostly can't be bothered. He now has an older adult child back at home and I mine is old enough to be left alone. His house is not so tidy anymore.
Peoples lives change and grow.
You do have to be clear about what's working and what isn't though.Entirely possible this is a one off example.

actualpuffins · 19/08/2018 09:07

Don't live together. I can't see any benefits for you in that arrangement. He'll just sit around on PS4 while you run around after him.

Cutietips · 19/08/2018 09:21

sheworebluevelvet I don’t know that, no. But I can speculate from the information OP has provided and the picture that paints. And the OP has stated that her partner used to help and no longer does. That he can take or leave an arrangement they made together (if it rains he may not bother with the afternoon at all) but expects her to fit in with his arrangements with his family.

Are you honestly saying that your partner would have just sat there playing PlayStation while you did everything to prepare for a barbecue which he was also attending?

If I’ve completely got things wrong, then the OP can tell me or ignore my post. But you don’t know any more than I do for certain.

Mary1935 · 19/08/2018 09:22

Hi OP he sounds a bit selfish. Don’t go to his family function -= or go later if your not tired. Enjoy time with your friends. Does he not go to visit his parents other times in the year and do you go with him? Maybe he’s got complacent- or maybe he’s lazy? What do you get out of this relationship? Have a think but mainly enjoy your day with your friends in your tidy home. I find friends visiting gives me an incentive to clean? 😀

NotTheWayISeeIt · 19/08/2018 09:26

It makes me wonder about what it will be like when we live together. I'm not doing all the work

Sorry but you are being daft and unrealistic if you think he will change his character. If you don't mind him not helping when he moves in then crack on but don't let him move in then be surprised when you are doing all the work.

You need to think this one through a little.

Mix56 · 19/08/2018 09:34

Most friends, never mind boyfriends, would say, "Is there anything I can do", sweep terrace, wash carrots.... ?
He is not your friend

birdonawire1 · 19/08/2018 09:41

Stop being a doormat.

ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 09:44

ways (like not having to put the bins out and his belief that his much, much higher wages are completely ‘our’ money because that’s his role).

Taking the bins out is a 2 minute job. And do you feel free to spend whatever you want out of the 'our' money? Or have personal savingss?

AnoukSpirit · 19/08/2018 09:45

He may not be the worst date you've ever had, but he's not exactly enriching your life, is he?

ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 09:46

OP, how often do you go round to his where he cooks for you and cleans up?

How often does he entertain where you can sit back and relax and he cooks and cleans?

Why do you help at his when he never helps at yours?

StealthNinjaMum · 19/08/2018 09:47

So you invited your friends over first and then he unilaterally decided that they need to go early so you and he can visit his family. Why do his wants trump yours?

Your weekend is actually similar to mine. I invited friends over and dh wanted to invite his parents over. He waited until I had heard from my friends before finalising arrangements with his parents and we planned together a weekend that would make everyone happy. He also went shopping, did housework, organised drinks for everyone, laid / cleared table. Dh is by no means a perfect husband but if he had sat in front of the TV yesterday I'd have thrown him out! That's just lazy and disrespectful.

lovelovelovepancakes · 19/08/2018 10:08

I can't believe you're going to tell everyone to leave at 5pm! That's so rude.

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