MIL taking over my family life - reducing contact - AIBU?

[Rach182]

Ok this is my first post on here after years of stalking. Sorry it's so long. I'm basically going to cut off as much unsupervised contact as possible between my MIL and my 2 year old DS so that I can bond with DS again.

My MIL lives 5 minutes away. I rue the day I ever agreed to move to DH's home town- it is my biggest regret since as a family my in laws just don't have boundaries. My DPs live 250 miles away. Both me and DH work full time (I went back to work full time when DS was 8 months old for financial reasons). DS is in nursery 3 days a week and with my MIL 2 days a week. My problem with this is that MIL has tried her best to act like his mother and replace me! And it upsets me because it's worked. DS screams when I come back from work on the days he's with MIL and she loves it and takes great pleasure in him wanting her more. The resentment has built up too much now and I just want to start over. So I'm due to start a new 3 day a week job in October and I'm going to keep my son in nursery for 3 days and take over my MIL's childcare days...I also want to limit her visits to once a fortnight (though I think that will be hard), and I don't ever want her to babysit again.

The thing is she's a "nice" lady but she is needy, indulgent and interfering. Examples of her behaviour include:

• would use her emergency key to let herself in everyday unannounced while I was on mat leave... DH didn't even see a problem with this for a long time as he lets himself into their house
• taking DS off me as soon as she arrives in the house/ whenever we visit and hogging him until we leave.
• would watch me breastfeed and make comments on how DS was too old for it (from even he was 4 months) ... he should be on the bottle etc. I know it annoyed her because it was the one thing she couldn't do and the one thing that made it clear that I was his mother not her.
• taking DS off me when he's crying and when I tell her I've got it, she says he wants his nanny
• attributing everything DS does to her. If I say... oh DS is getting really good at road safety she'll bang on about how it's because of her. If DS dances/sings/does anything cute she'll say he takes after her. If I'm excited because I think he's reached a new milestone she'll say he's been doing it for weeks with her. This of course feeds into my jealousy and insecurity as a full time working mother.
• gives DS her undivided attention and entertainment even when he's having a tantrum already tries to console him/ give him toys/ give him even more attention. His tantrums are getting so bad now and I've told her so many times to ignore him when he's having one but she doesn't listen.
• calls DS 'my baby'
• takes DS places without asking me first. I.e. she's been taking him to the care home she works at regularly since DS was 8 months old... takes him to her friends houses many of which I don't know...I tell her that I only want him at my house, her house, or a public child appropriate place but she doesn't listen

-moans if she hasn't seen DS for a few days... saying he's growing up without her. This is normally when we go to visit my DPs for the weekend and even though they only get to see DS around once a month they never complain. Once we went to visit my DPs twice in one month and MIL said that we were travelling too much and it wasn't healthy for DS.

• tidies the house and rearranges the kitchen whenever we go away. I hate this as I feel it's undermining my role as woman of the house and mother of the house.

I feel like I'm competing for attention from my son and losing the battle. What makes it worse is that DH parents DS exactly like his mother does(as she can do no wrong in his eyes). I am the only disciplinarian and the only one that thinks it's healthy for a child to learn to play by themselves at various points in the day.

I basically want to reassert my position as DS's one and only mother. While I was on mat leave i felt like I had a really special bond with DS which is non existent now. Currently DS has 3 mothers - my DH, my MIL and me- and I'm his least favourite. I don't feel I'm strong enough to become his mother again without limiting her contact and influence over our family life (since I can't limit DH's).

AIBU to deprive her of her relationship with her grandchild so that I can bond with DS again?

AIBU to deprive her of her relationship with her grandchild so that I can bond with DS again?

Turn this question around.

AIBU to deprive my DS of a relationship with him DGM, so I don't feel that he loves her more than me?

Or, AIBU to deprive my child of the relationship with me to pacify someone who disrespects and undermines me

YANBU. This is not healthy and I would go as far as to say you need to move.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to mind him on the days MIL has had him until now. Nursery is good for him (meeting other kids and whatnot, not in the UK, so not sure what nursery entails) and them his mother minds him on the other days, nothing wrong with that! I do think you will have a fight on your hands with your MIL and your husband thought. You have my sympathies though as she sounds like a nightmare and I would hate for my son to be closer to his granny than me! I have a 'nice' MIL too, thats onstantly 'only trying to help', it's very draining. You also should get your house key back off her!

I understand your frustration, OP.

It's gone on too long already. But will you DH support you?

She sounds somewhat over bearing but not that bad. You’re going past time so she will see him less automatically. She was providing free childcare so I don’t think it’s fair to dictate exactly where she goes on her free time. Presumably you can trust her to make a fair assessment of risk when visiting a friend’s house for example. I would ignore most of her comments or just smile and say ‘how interesting’ when she says things like he’s too old to breastfeed... I would ask her not to tidy/rearrange things (or ask dh to) if it annoys you that much.

Also I don’t think ignoring tantrums is always the right thing to do, it sends a message that you don’t care. Giving him a hug may help him through it and make him feel valued.

Personally, in that situation I’d do my best to move closer to my own parents. I couldn’t live with have so little privacy that anyone’s mother (even my own) let herself in every day.
If this is your only option then I see no issue with limiting your hours and not using her as childcare. She has clearly no idea about boundaries. I simply wouldn’t ask her to babysit ever again and take the key from her.

I wouldnt let that woman in my house. Id bolt.on the front door too. Talk about interfering. She basically spoiling ur son. And not with love but with competition. Shes making sure she is the 'good' adult and you are the bad one. You ignore him you dont give in you dont do.this you dont do that. But perfect nanny does it all. Fuck that.

As D's gets older, he'll be less interested in the old GPS. My dgs asked regularly if he could come and live with us, but the child's best place is with his dp's. You will have more toys, more energy, be able to take him out to play parks, and you'll have friends with children for him to play with. This is just a phase, although I can see it must be upsetting for you. It won't last forever.

And no, of course you’re not wrong to want boundaries. You’re going to have a fight on your hands if your husband refuses to have any, which seems to be the case.

No more regular childcare if she blatantly refuses to respect your sensible wishes, which already happens. No more wandering into your home whether you’re in or out, take the key back.

How’s his behaviour at nursery? Are the tantrums only at home or there as well?

He’s your child. You get a say. You’re being steam rollered by the situation. No one should have taken your baby from your arms! This very fucked op dynamic was put in place very soon when you were a vulnerable new mum and your DH let you down badly by being so spineless. He’s clearly far more concerned about the idea of upsetting his mother than you, his wife, and that’s a problem.

I’d be house hunting too I’m afraid but for now I’d put him in nursery for extra days and then have a complete review when you start your new job.

Unfortunately DH wouldn't want to move...I've suggested moving a few times but he says he needs to be close to his family since my FIL is not in good health. Even his wider family has noticed his "dependency" on his parents and his Aunt suggested wa should move...that we can't live our lives for his parents but he got quite angry at the suggestion saying he'd never abandon his sick father (though my MIL looks after him not us)

It’s not just up to him.

It's gone on too long already. But will you DH support you?

I'm not sure I hope so. He usually comes round in the end. I think he'll support our keeping DS in nursery and my doing the other two days. But I think he'll be upset about limiting the visits and stopping any form of childcare. His mother is a saint to him and won't deserve that treatment. I remember once suggesting that I only see his mother twice a week(when she used to visit everyday) and he thought that twice a week was not enough contact!!

The only part i’d say you're being slightly unreasonable on is telling her where she can and can't take you're lo on days she has him but all your other issues sound perfectly reasonable and she sounds suffocating and like she's trying to relive motherhood through your child. I do want to reassure you though that, although it may appear that your lo favours her, no one can replace you and when he gets a bit older that will become very clear. My lo used to be this way with his grandma but when he got older it was all about mummy. I think you taking the two days back for yourself will make you feel much better. Why don’t you see how that goes before introducing anything else like limited visits? I'm sorry you've been through all this, overbearing people like this can cause such upset and anxiety and it’s such a shame that you feel pushed out of your lo’s life. Really hoping things get better for you soon.

Get DH to take DS around for tea once a week - preferably on a weekday?? You don't have to see MIL then perhaps just every other weekend when you all meet up.

Ultimately your DH can argue that MIL wants to spend time with DS but your counter argument is that you do too and she's had x months of 2 weekdays sole care and as his Mother it is not unreasonable for you to have it instead!

Yanbu.
Your child can still have contact with his grandmother, it just won't be in a child minding context.

YANBU. Whether or not she consciously realises she's doing it, you MIL is trying to take over. She's obviously feeling left oit as she is no longer the one with the young child, & misses it. Tough, frankly, that's life. She doesn't get to be mother and grandmother.
If you're going to use your MIL for free childcare, you can't dictate what she can / can't do, where they go, etc. It's not reasonable. Likewise, it's not entirely reasonable to completely cut you MIL off, but she needs to be made to back way off & allow you to be the parent.

Nursery is useful, especially for an only child. It builds immunity & social skills, as well as providing a range of activities that you may not have space, money, energy or the will to clean up after.

I had this with my PILs - turning up every single day without even phoning ahead, let alone checking if it was convenient, MIL taking DD from me the entire time they were here, sitting cuddling & rocking her for literally hours at a time, every day, for months, to the point where DD would only be settled by MIL & was a nightmare to get to sleep at night as she wanted MIL. One time they wandered in while I was breastfeeding DD, completely topless as it was a heatwave, & FIL just sat down next to me without so much as a by-your-leave. We told them that their visit was was inconvenient once due to being DD's mealtime (starting weaning), & they pitched an epic fit about it & refused to speak to us for weeks. Another time we didn't answer the door, they stood shouting in the street, banged on the door & phoned our mobiles & the house phone every couple of minutes for about half an hour - I'd told DH if he let them in again without my consent, I was leaving. It significantly affected my MH but it finally made DH see how shitty they are & once the penny drops, it only falls one way. We now plan to move away as soon as we can afford to do so.

Tricky. Bear in mind that children bond in the ways they want to-it's not something you can force. My dd had a special bond with my mother, and my ds had a special bond with dp. I didn't feel like either of their favourite person! But they certainly knew I was their mum and it didn't make any difference to our bond in the long term. I honestly think you might be going too far in your detachment plans- absolutely take back the non nursery days, but don't you think going to once a fortnight and no baby sitting might be a bit of a shock to both your mil and your son when she hasn't really done anything wrong?

You need to be careful that you're ds doesn't get the idea that he's done something wrong if he doesn't see his granny any more.

Yanbu - you need to stop this. She will manipulate your son. I know a distant friend which this similar scenario happened. It’s didn't turn out well..... you need to stop this now. Boundaries.

Change the house locks yourself, arrange for it ona day off. Tell husband you lost your key, and then only have one for you and husband. Ask the locksmith if he can fit a chain ? I’m not sure if they do, if not get a handyman ( assuming you can’t do it, I can’t) to do it.

Always have the chain on the door when you are home, oh and I’ve forgotten, only have one key for you and one for husband ( hide the other one)

And then say you’d prefer your MIL doesn’t have a spare anymore, if she asks for one, convenient, but easier than asking for it back. ( explain that you dont like anyone just walking in, and dont like your things rearranged)

Best of luck, my own mother liked to make sure that my two children in her care, preferred her to me, when she looked after them, and the little things all add up, and to this day, they do phone her more than they phone me. I worked full time, and she looked after them for free, even after school, so I couldn’t complain.

Thanks so much everyone for all the responses...I definitely think I'm making the right decision to work the two days my MIL previously did.

@schopenhauer - I do feel guilty about that as it's a massive commitment she's making to give free childcare (though she'd look after him full time if she could). Sometimes I feel ungrateful but other times I just don't understand why she loves to undermine my relationship with DS.

@Aria2015 - that's true i think it's just a fear of mine that she might not be discerning about her friends as she's a very trusting person. Also my DH and BIL got abused by one of MIL's family friends when they were little...but of course that wasnt her fault (it's just something I have in the back of my mind when DS is at her friends' houses who I don't know).

I really do hope it's just a phase but it doesn't feel that way when DS is screaming for his nanny even though he hasn't seen me all day. And when he goes to the door wanting to go to nanny's house during the little weekend time we have together.

@BertrandRussell that's a good idea I think I'll stage the approach and see how the extra 2 days with DS works out for the first month, before bringing in any more extreme measures

@GlisteningRipeElderberries see that's my fear that in the long term DS will prefer MIL

You really need to be ready for the fact that your DP is not on board. His mum will more than likely attempt to guilt trip him. The pair of them don't discipline your son due to a lack of boundaries and inability of your DH to say "No" especially to his mum. They could well be some full on adult tantrums in your near future so you may find DH attempts to cave into his mum for an easy life.

Make an effort to get DH to share a United front with you, you are definitely doing the right thing your child only has 1 mother, YOU!

@Jozxyqk you make me feel lucky your PILs sound awful how are you handling them now before you move? And are they fine with your plans to move?