MIL taking over my family life - reducing contact - AIBU?

[Rach182]

Ok this is my first post on here after years of stalking. Sorry it's so long. I'm basically going to cut off as much unsupervised contact as possible between my MIL and my 2 year old DS so that I can bond with DS again.

My MIL lives 5 minutes away. I rue the day I ever agreed to move to DH's home town- it is my biggest regret since as a family my in laws just don't have boundaries. My DPs live 250 miles away. Both me and DH work full time (I went back to work full time when DS was 8 months old for financial reasons). DS is in nursery 3 days a week and with my MIL 2 days a week. My problem with this is that MIL has tried her best to act like his mother and replace me! And it upsets me because it's worked. DS screams when I come back from work on the days he's with MIL and she loves it and takes great pleasure in him wanting her more. The resentment has built up too much now and I just want to start over. So I'm due to start a new 3 day a week job in October and I'm going to keep my son in nursery for 3 days and take over my MIL's childcare days...I also want to limit her visits to once a fortnight (though I think that will be hard), and I don't ever want her to babysit again.

The thing is she's a "nice" lady but she is needy, indulgent and interfering. Examples of her behaviour include:

• would use her emergency key to let herself in everyday unannounced while I was on mat leave... DH didn't even see a problem with this for a long time as he lets himself into their house
• taking DS off me as soon as she arrives in the house/ whenever we visit and hogging him until we leave.
• would watch me breastfeed and make comments on how DS was too old for it (from even he was 4 months) ... he should be on the bottle etc. I know it annoyed her because it was the one thing she couldn't do and the one thing that made it clear that I was his mother not her.
• taking DS off me when he's crying and when I tell her I've got it, she says he wants his nanny
• attributing everything DS does to her. If I say... oh DS is getting really good at road safety she'll bang on about how it's because of her. If DS dances/sings/does anything cute she'll say he takes after her. If I'm excited because I think he's reached a new milestone she'll say he's been doing it for weeks with her. This of course feeds into my jealousy and insecurity as a full time working mother.
• gives DS her undivided attention and entertainment even when he's having a tantrum already tries to console him/ give him toys/ give him even more attention. His tantrums are getting so bad now and I've told her so many times to ignore him when he's having one but she doesn't listen.
• calls DS 'my baby'
• takes DS places without asking me first. I.e. she's been taking him to the care home she works at regularly since DS was 8 months old... takes him to her friends houses many of which I don't know...I tell her that I only want him at my house, her house, or a public child appropriate place but she doesn't listen

-moans if she hasn't seen DS for a few days... saying he's growing up without her. This is normally when we go to visit my DPs for the weekend and even though they only get to see DS around once a month they never complain. Once we went to visit my DPs twice in one month and MIL said that we were travelling too much and it wasn't healthy for DS.

• tidies the house and rearranges the kitchen whenever we go away. I hate this as I feel it's undermining my role as woman of the house and mother of the house.

I feel like I'm competing for attention from my son and losing the battle. What makes it worse is that DH parents DS exactly like his mother does(as she can do no wrong in his eyes). I am the only disciplinarian and the only one that thinks it's healthy for a child to learn to play by themselves at various points in the day.

I basically want to reassert my position as DS's one and only mother. While I was on mat leave i felt like I had a really special bond with DS which is non existent now. Currently DS has 3 mothers - my DH, my MIL and me- and I'm his least favourite. I don't feel I'm strong enough to become his mother again without limiting her contact and influence over our family life (since I can't limit DH's).

AIBU to deprive her of her relationship with her grandchild so that I can bond with DS again?

So long as everyone is putting the needs of the little boy front and centre.

I can understand how what happened to your dh and bil you would make you wary so that does make me see your concern in a different light. I do sympathise hugely, it broke my heart to see my lo want his grandma more than me but honestly, as he got older and was able to express himself more and more, his attachment to her leveled off and now he squeals with excitement when I walk through the door. I had to wait what felt like the longest time for it to happen but it did. Everyone told me it would happen but like you, I found it hard to believe but have faith. You can't be replaced even if it feels like it!

Your mil is a nightmare but you'd better prepare yourself for a battle with dh because he's clearly a massive mummys boy.

Enjoy your 2 days with your son. Make sure you don't spend any of them with her. Not a minute. Dh can take him round for tea. You can go some weekends.

You will need to be more assertive though. Which will definitely rock the boat. I wouldn't like to live like this.

Maybe if you're not moving for now you could all visit your parents more often.

I find some of this and the responses a bit OTT.

Totally reasonable to care for your DS on your days off
Totally reasonable to stop her letting herself into your house
Totally reasonable to have a discussion (with DH on board) about ways to discipline
Totally reasonable to feel a bit miffed about all this and be looking for solutions

OTT to “stop all child care and babysitting” - I don’t think the odd babysitting is going to hurt and you will be glad of it at some point!
OTT to “drastically limit contact”.Something like once a week or a fortnight is totally normal and sensible with a GP that close. Ideally your organise it so quite often your DH does it without you and you take a bath/go for a jog whatever.
OTT to stress quite so much about all this. As others have said it is a phase and will fade. Yes, you should address the most difficult parts, but this is probably getting a bit too much brain space because you are feeling (unnecessarily!) anxious about being an FT working mum.

Good luck! And good to address this stuff, though remember a loving GP can be a wonderful thing for your son and keep it all in proportion

OTT to “drastically limit contact”.Something like once a week or a fortnight is totally normal and sensible with a GP that close
I think you’re missing the point - the contact levels that you just described as perfectly normal ARE a drastic reduction. The op is trying to get back to normal levels. Ott would be cutting contact . So now she will have her two days (with locks changed) and weekends will be a mix of family time, grandma visits some with and some without op. And I repeat op should definitely take ds to her parents for a week as part of resetting boundaries. Her dp needs to be able to recognise that his mum has seen ds for multiple days every week of his life and her parents getting a week visit is absolutely ok.

Could you go and stay with your mum for three weeks, explaining to her that the agenda is for you to become the primary carer in your child's life ? Or go to a cottage somewhere? I often wish I'd done this to reset the clock.

I wish id put boundaries in too. My MIL totally interfered and took over. She saw more of the kids than I did, and she totally engineered the entire thing dressed as up as the best thing for everyone.
It totally was about what she wanted.
We divorced because of it, although this did mean her grip on them suddenly fell away as she had no lever over my time with my kids any more. I never spoke to her again.
So no, I don't think you are OTT at all, and well done for not doubting yourself.
To posters who talk about a relationship between DS and GP being good - well, I wasn't against my kids having a good relationship with GP's , I just didn't see why it should be at the expense and to the detriment of mine.

Goodness op, why would anyone do this? If I'm blessed with GC I can't imagine wanting a stronger bond with GC than my own DD. I would feel embarrassed actually if my GC preferred me every time DD the mum was there. Who would want this excpet someone with millions of issue's?

This is what's concerns me.. who would want this?

Lost in 3dsspace.

I think this is what poster's forget. Awful your marriage suffered.

I'm afraid the only way to get her back into a normal grandmother role is to move away. If your DH won't agree you might have to eventually move away without him

“Thank you for looking after my child when I needed you to. Can you only visit once every 3 weeks from now on. Oh, and I am never going to ask you to baby sit. I know child will miss you, but he’ll get over it”

Honestly I don't understand how women find these 'mummy boys' attractive?! Why do you want to be with someone who puts someone else's feelings before yours? Someone who won't stand up for you or support you?

It's really simple. 'DH your mother behaves in a way that makes me feel XYZ. This is what's happening from now on and if you don't like, you can go and live with your precious mummy'.

"because granny has abused her position of trust,has some wierd power thing going on and wants you to go to her first, she has put my own mental health at Risk we are not sure how to handle her and worse case scenario this could break up your parent's marriage... meaning your raised in a broken home.

Yes he will get over it but would never get over loosing his mum or having his parents divorce over gran. the

YANBU at all!

This happened with my oldest and I was determined it wouldn't happen with my next child. I cut down all the sleepovers and stopped asking for any kind of child care at all and never asked at all once my second child arrived. She'd call my ex H slagging me off and asking to have ds but I stood my ground despite mountains of emotional blackmail and in the end verbal abuse from ex H. They moved away in the end which solved things somewhat but I was right to do what I did and I would do it all over again.

I can understand your frustration but a lot of it just requires immediate confrontation - she says ds has been doing x for weeks, you say "oh really why didn't you tell me?"; she says something is bad for him, you say "no it's not" in a tone that tells her to keep quiet. You have to do it everytime though because if you try to have a conversation with her about her general attitude, she will play the victim and say you're attacking her.

Why does she need an "emergency" key? I don't understand this concept at all. Nobody has a key to our house except me and dh. Why would anyone else need one?

'Lose' your key. Today. That's the emergency that means you get your spare back. It's cheaper and easier than changing the locks and less obvious.

Also...you and your husband really need to be on the same page here. Otherwise you sort the keys then he's going to give her a spare, you drop your hours to 3 days and he'll suggest dropping nursery to 1 or 2 days and getting grandma to look after on the third day to save money etc

I know it's trickier when one set of grandparents lives closer...but I'd be suggesting holidays / weekends with or at you parents to try and even things out a bit as well. You could approach it that you want your son to have the same great relationship with your parents rather than less with you husbands parents

I honarely don't understand why people get so worried about children having close relationships with other adults. Surely the more people love them the better? The capactity for love is infinite-but children always know who their mother is.

This is usurping the mother.

This is beyond all close relationship. Would you honestly behave with your own GC like ops? I think it's abysmal.
Personally I can't imagine what her mil would be thinking.
Who in their right mind would want too usurp love from child from it's mother.

I suspect many poster's were brought up with similar boundary issue's and have fog.

She might need a key if she's looking after the child but not otherwise. Get the key back!

I don't know what you mean by usurp. Is it wrong for a grandmother and grandchild to love each other?

As D's gets older, he'll be less interested in the old GPS

What a horrible thing to say even on a MN anti MIL thread. The relationship children can have with their GPs can be wonderful. Its only on here that some people seem threatened by it, especially if its their in laws and not their own parents.

Some of the things you mention like re arranging the kitchen and commenting on your breast feeding sounds irritating, but I also think it sounds like you are insecure in your role and feel threatened by your DSs love for his grandma. I would try to address some of the points you are raising but not spoil the relationship between them. A child with many adults around them who love them is very lucky.

I can't copy and paste the OP on my phone and it's hard to type.

It's quite clear in that description that ops mil is not kind.

So many parts .

Once you cut out MILs childcare days that will reduce her time with your DS by quite a bit already. I wouldn't rush to limit the other visits straight away as that looks really arsey. See how you get on once you have 2 days at home with him. Maybe pull back from other visits overtime so it is less drastic.