MIL taking over my family life - reducing contact - AIBU?

[Rach182]

Ok this is my first post on here after years of stalking. Sorry it's so long. I'm basically going to cut off as much unsupervised contact as possible between my MIL and my 2 year old DS so that I can bond with DS again.

My MIL lives 5 minutes away. I rue the day I ever agreed to move to DH's home town- it is my biggest regret since as a family my in laws just don't have boundaries. My DPs live 250 miles away. Both me and DH work full time (I went back to work full time when DS was 8 months old for financial reasons). DS is in nursery 3 days a week and with my MIL 2 days a week. My problem with this is that MIL has tried her best to act like his mother and replace me! And it upsets me because it's worked. DS screams when I come back from work on the days he's with MIL and she loves it and takes great pleasure in him wanting her more. The resentment has built up too much now and I just want to start over. So I'm due to start a new 3 day a week job in October and I'm going to keep my son in nursery for 3 days and take over my MIL's childcare days...I also want to limit her visits to once a fortnight (though I think that will be hard), and I don't ever want her to babysit again.

The thing is she's a "nice" lady but she is needy, indulgent and interfering. Examples of her behaviour include:

• would use her emergency key to let herself in everyday unannounced while I was on mat leave... DH didn't even see a problem with this for a long time as he lets himself into their house
• taking DS off me as soon as she arrives in the house/ whenever we visit and hogging him until we leave.
• would watch me breastfeed and make comments on how DS was too old for it (from even he was 4 months) ... he should be on the bottle etc. I know it annoyed her because it was the one thing she couldn't do and the one thing that made it clear that I was his mother not her.
• taking DS off me when he's crying and when I tell her I've got it, she says he wants his nanny
• attributing everything DS does to her. If I say... oh DS is getting really good at road safety she'll bang on about how it's because of her. If DS dances/sings/does anything cute she'll say he takes after her. If I'm excited because I think he's reached a new milestone she'll say he's been doing it for weeks with her. This of course feeds into my jealousy and insecurity as a full time working mother.
• gives DS her undivided attention and entertainment even when he's having a tantrum already tries to console him/ give him toys/ give him even more attention. His tantrums are getting so bad now and I've told her so many times to ignore him when he's having one but she doesn't listen.
• calls DS 'my baby'
• takes DS places without asking me first. I.e. she's been taking him to the care home she works at regularly since DS was 8 months old... takes him to her friends houses many of which I don't know...I tell her that I only want him at my house, her house, or a public child appropriate place but she doesn't listen

-moans if she hasn't seen DS for a few days... saying he's growing up without her. This is normally when we go to visit my DPs for the weekend and even though they only get to see DS around once a month they never complain. Once we went to visit my DPs twice in one month and MIL said that we were travelling too much and it wasn't healthy for DS.

• tidies the house and rearranges the kitchen whenever we go away. I hate this as I feel it's undermining my role as woman of the house and mother of the house.

I feel like I'm competing for attention from my son and losing the battle. What makes it worse is that DH parents DS exactly like his mother does(as she can do no wrong in his eyes). I am the only disciplinarian and the only one that thinks it's healthy for a child to learn to play by themselves at various points in the day.

I basically want to reassert my position as DS's one and only mother. While I was on mat leave i felt like I had a really special bond with DS which is non existent now. Currently DS has 3 mothers - my DH, my MIL and me- and I'm his least favourite. I don't feel I'm strong enough to become his mother again without limiting her contact and influence over our family life (since I can't limit DH's).

AIBU to deprive her of her relationship with her grandchild so that I can bond with DS again?

I completely get what you are saying OP, and the sooner you tackle it the better. You are mum and what you say goes as far as your child is concerned. Good luck

Just too be clear Bertrand.

You would gloat if your GC wanted you more in front of the mum.
You Will be letting yourself onto your adult DC house without invite to re arrange it.
You will stand overall your GC mum and say at 4 months she shouldn't be bf.

Good luck to you!!

I think she makes your dh’s life easier. Isn’t she so nice for redoing the kitchen- so kind. and you’re the wagon complaining about her kindness.

You need to spin these things around. Dh have you seen the tea? I can’t find it, lol I can’t find the sugar either. Have you seen the Disney mugs? Maybe you should make the tea, I can’t find anything - rinse and repeat.

Your poor mom arrived over again today just as we were heading out! Poor thing, I feel so guilty when it happens. But it’s so unfair on ds when I’ve just promised x,y,z. I hope she wasn’t disappointed. Etc

Then start dropping in on her the odd time. You want to slowly shift the balance of power.

As for ds of course he loves you, but he gets two full days idolation from his dgm each week. He’s going to prefer her from time to time. But his actions don’t undermine his feelings for you. So try and separate her actions from his. She’s not responsible for his actions.

I think that you actually feel undermined because she is looking after him whilst you're at work, and you'd rather be the one able to look after him. Most of the things you are not happy about her doing are actually perfectly normal between grandparents and grandchildren. When they are in a list, it looks a lot. I don't even think she's doing anything wrong taking him to see her friends etc. She's not going to do anything that would harm him, is she? You're actually quite jealous of this relationship, but it's actually a wonderful one that should be encouraged. My DH used to be annoyed when my DD came round every day, but my DCs loved him to bits. He used to tell me to ask him not to come round so often but I wouldn't. My Lovely dad has been gone for three years, and even my DH misses him now!
Please don't try to make your DH choose between moving nearer to your parents and leaving his ill father, it won't end well. Also, please don't stop your MIl from seeing her GS. Just laugh off the things she says. I suggest that when you go to three days work, your DS has a coup,e of days in nursery a couple with you and one day with MIL. If he doesn't see her, he's going to be so upset.

She feels undermined because that's how her mil makes her feel.its obvious she has no sensitivity or empathy at all and she doesn't respect OP, her parenting choices or ops home.

Is it wrong for a grandmother and grandchild to love each other?

When it says detrimental to the parental bond and causing marital problems - and then ultimately the marridge - it will hugely impact the child.

No-one is saying the child ought not to have a relationship with his gp. What they are saying is that she shouldn’t come round daily, enter the house without permission and rearrange the bloody furniture! Nor should she grab the child off the mum and demean her breastfeeding. It seems very clear that there are not enough boundaries in place.

I know some peo0le say it takes a village, the more people who love the child the better, but I saw this with a friend who was from a different culture where the whole family gets involved. His wife was really unhappy with the constant talk of leaving the baby with whoever in the family. They’ve split up now.

Your DH chooses to ignore any overbearing behaviour from his mother, because that is the path of least resistance for him.

It sounds like the two days where you are off work will be a chance for you to feel that you and you son are fully connected, and you can build in new routines and activities. I would be out a lot during those early weeks, and don’t change plans to suit mil. You can still visit as a family on weekends.

I can't see this ending well.

I would not want her to have a key to my home. If she refuses to accept the decreased contact you will have to move away (I would have moved long ago)

Then you will find out if you have a MIL problem or a DH problem. I suspect it's the latter.

Oh my goodness this sounds almost identical to my situation. I agree with pp, cut down the childcare aspect and maybe keep the weekend visits for now. She shouldn’t really pop over whenever she wants in the week either. I feel very similarly to you and think my husbands idea of extended family etc is quite different to my own also. Not wrong, but our ideas don’t match.

I would love to hear the other side of this one. Op it's totally your fault that you have not bonded with your child.

Get your keys back asap.
Spend those two days together going to the park etc.
Let the GM babysit once a month and have a night out but do not totally destroy the relationship, he's 3....he will not want to go to her house all the time when he starts school...I promise.

Man up for gods sake.

@LucilleBluth Agree with your action points, but it’s not as easy as manning up I don’t think. I’m not sure about OP, but my husband and his family have very different views on how much extended family should be involved and I do question myself a lot. If I deny a request to have LO I’m made to feel like every other GP gets to look after their Grandchildren almost everyday and then spends every other weekend with them too, so you do start to question (at least I do) your thoughts. Not saying that the OP does though.

Most definitely cut the babysitting so that either you or Nursery have his care. Limit visits to once a week supervised, with you and DH around. If that doesn't work, then yes - consider cutting a bit more contact - but slowly, slowly. You are understandibly stressed and upset - don't be too hasty when you may solve it with out too much heartache for anyone. She does sound overbearing, but cutting her off just yet may be a step too far. I also think it is just a stage with your DS, that she is pandering too, and misplaced guilt on your part that you haven't been able to give more time to him. By the way - I call all my Grandchildren Nanas boy/girl or Nanas baby. It is just a loving term. Mummy is most definitely mummy! Stand your ground one step at a time and see how it goes.

I'm sorry OP, but I find your posts to be full of jealousy and bitterness, and actually quite nasty. It's all about your need to be the supreme person in your chulds life - you've even said that he has three mummies, and then include his father in that, but want to restrict the GMs contact, because you can't with your baby's father. That you're even jealous of your partners bond is quite sad I think. I don't think you're feeling how you do out of malice though, more sadness.

I think firstly you need to stop competing with your husband for your sons affection, and if you are subconsciously trying to sabatage their relationship, then reign that in.

Secondly, whilst there are things your MIL does that aren't right, and boundaries do need to be set, the reason you want to reduce their contact is to reduce their bond. That's not something you're doing out of love, but jealousy.

Your concern about her going to places without telling you is a bit cringy personally 1 it's as if you want to control her movements, which isn't really on. I'm sure she's not taking him to a crack den!

Once you are back working PT, things will get better. You'll spend more time together with your child, and your bond will grow closer again. Having free childcare with someone your child adores, and who loves him, is a wonderful thing, and personally, I'd keep one day a week with her, and reduce nursery by a day. But even if you just stick with nursery, the additional time with you will reassert balance, and hopefully will help keep your jealousy in check a bit more.
But do get the spare key back...

I don't blame op for feeling bitter when her mil gloats when the child wants her not op.

Honestly who would gloat to their child.. look your baby wants me not you? Especially in this situation when granny has him twice a week and sees him at weekends as well.

It's so thought less.

Poor op says the resentment has boiled over. This woman who has even stood over her telling her not to bf at 4 months. .. everyone has already limit. No one can just takes and put up with bad behaviour endlessly.

If we go to the doctors for his jabs pr because he's ill he'll want to sit on DH's lap , in fact if he's ill he'll only want DH or MIL for comfort unless I'm the only option

So you're going to isolate MIL out through your own jealousy, what next, divorce DH if he's the preferred go to person?

If I were you I would book yourself and DH onto one of those 6-8 week parenting courses. There will be something local to you.

Official reason is to learn how to handle DS's tantrums.

Additional reason is so that how to parent becomes a joint decision made consciously by you and DH facilitated by the course. Get him back on your side.

Are DH and MIL prone to tantrums themselves?

I think the truth possibly is in the middle.

OP resents the bond with MIL and feels guilty and jealous.

MIL cannot fathom why OP leaves her baby and then is awkward with him because she hasn't bonded so crosses the line.

I'd speak to her and tell her that you appreciate how much she has helped you all but you now feel you are missing too much of his life and cannot bear to be parted. Add that he will still need to go to nursery to socialise.

Your child will suffer if regular contact is broken immediately. Keep it to weekly meeting for a meal or something and occasional babysitting.

Op you need to get busy! Get so busy with your little one that quite frankly MIL I just dont have the time to fit you in this week! You really dont need to be busy ..a walk in the park..a soft play centre anything really ..a trip to the supermarket,,,just dont be there! Take back cotrol quietly explaining that its "our" special time...then when she throws a strop which she will you come back with ..how is it unreasonable for me and my child to be having fun together? I am after all the mummy here..they can shout all they like but they cant argue with facts! Just keep being unavailable with pre planned activities...bide your time all will come good!!

oh and i forgot to say if she turns up just be getting ready to go out whether you had planned to or not ,,grab your coat grab your keys and leave her standing after all if she had planned something of course you would have been there but she didnt and you are not a mind reader!,,,see totally reasonable! Go on try it you can do this! She just needs retraining in the art of your way or no way!!

I honarely don't understand why people get so worried about children having close relationships with other adults. Surely the more people love them the better? The capactity for love is infinite-but children always know who their mother is.

BertrandRussell - the OP has already said that the child prefers MIL to herself in cases of illness, etc. I had this problem, too. My DD could only be settled quickly by MIL (see my previous post). Unless she was actively BFing, which I fought to continue partly to help with this issue, she would frequently be inconsolable, screaming unless MIL was present. She took literally hours to settle for us, every night, for months, because she essentially didn't know us very well. It took years to resolve as she developed a really poor bedtime routine that we just couldn't break & we were utterly exhausted. As soon as MIL appeared - almost instant calm. Every time, even at just a few months old.

A few weeks ago my DD told me, quite randomly, that she loved MIL more than anyone else in the world. "More than Daddy?" I asked. "More than Mummy?" Yes, she replied. I wasn't cross with her, I didn't tell her off or make her feel that she was in in the wrong. I was very upset, but I didn't cry in front of her. DH took it more personally than me - he felt that she should love me more than anyone, because I'm her mother. And, I suspect, he feels guilty because he didn't, couldn't put his foot down when I needed him to (elements of FOG, emotional & financial abuse by his parents against him).

I told them both that it wasn't DD's fault, she feels the way she feels & she's not to be ashamed of it. However, it was another nail in the coffin in terms of how much time we allow DD to spend with PILs. Barely any without us present, now.

children always know who their mother is.

If only that were true.

Is it wrong for a grandmother and grandchild to love each other?

I don't think anyone is suggesting this at all. It is wrong for a grandparent to try to compete with the child's mother for the child's attention. It is wrong for a grandparent to undermine a child's parent. The MiL obviously resents the time the child spends with it's other grandparents so clearly she's putting her own needs before the child's.

YANBU!!!

I really relate to your post, my MIL is similar with my DS (2.5) although, thankfully, not quite as bad. She has interfered too much from day 1 though and has up until now looked after him one day a week, I really regret allowing her to be this involved.

Her day is being cut down to half a day come September as DS starts mornings in a play group. I'm also expecting DC2 in February so once I'm on mat leave there won't be any regular time at all. DH is completely of the same opinion so we've agreed that DC2 will spend 3 days in nursery instead of having a day with MIL (if she offers) and we will just spin it as we have more money now and can afford more days in nursery. It feels a bit mean totally cutting her time with DS now that she's used to it, and at the end of the day has provided free childcare for almost two years, so it's come at a good time that it's gradually dwindling and will naturally stop come February.

I think you're well within your right to stop her days altogether though as your working pattern is changing. I would just tell her he's really happy in nursery so you want to keep his 3 days as his routine. I don't think it's worth having a big fall out over.