MIL taking over my family life - reducing contact - AIBU?

[Rach182]

Ok this is my first post on here after years of stalking. Sorry it's so long. I'm basically going to cut off as much unsupervised contact as possible between my MIL and my 2 year old DS so that I can bond with DS again.

My MIL lives 5 minutes away. I rue the day I ever agreed to move to DH's home town- it is my biggest regret since as a family my in laws just don't have boundaries. My DPs live 250 miles away. Both me and DH work full time (I went back to work full time when DS was 8 months old for financial reasons). DS is in nursery 3 days a week and with my MIL 2 days a week. My problem with this is that MIL has tried her best to act like his mother and replace me! And it upsets me because it's worked. DS screams when I come back from work on the days he's with MIL and she loves it and takes great pleasure in him wanting her more. The resentment has built up too much now and I just want to start over. So I'm due to start a new 3 day a week job in October and I'm going to keep my son in nursery for 3 days and take over my MIL's childcare days...I also want to limit her visits to once a fortnight (though I think that will be hard), and I don't ever want her to babysit again.

The thing is she's a "nice" lady but she is needy, indulgent and interfering. Examples of her behaviour include:

• would use her emergency key to let herself in everyday unannounced while I was on mat leave... DH didn't even see a problem with this for a long time as he lets himself into their house
• taking DS off me as soon as she arrives in the house/ whenever we visit and hogging him until we leave.
• would watch me breastfeed and make comments on how DS was too old for it (from even he was 4 months) ... he should be on the bottle etc. I know it annoyed her because it was the one thing she couldn't do and the one thing that made it clear that I was his mother not her.
• taking DS off me when he's crying and when I tell her I've got it, she says he wants his nanny
• attributing everything DS does to her. If I say... oh DS is getting really good at road safety she'll bang on about how it's because of her. If DS dances/sings/does anything cute she'll say he takes after her. If I'm excited because I think he's reached a new milestone she'll say he's been doing it for weeks with her. This of course feeds into my jealousy and insecurity as a full time working mother.
• gives DS her undivided attention and entertainment even when he's having a tantrum already tries to console him/ give him toys/ give him even more attention. His tantrums are getting so bad now and I've told her so many times to ignore him when he's having one but she doesn't listen.
• calls DS 'my baby'
• takes DS places without asking me first. I.e. she's been taking him to the care home she works at regularly since DS was 8 months old... takes him to her friends houses many of which I don't know...I tell her that I only want him at my house, her house, or a public child appropriate place but she doesn't listen

-moans if she hasn't seen DS for a few days... saying he's growing up without her. This is normally when we go to visit my DPs for the weekend and even though they only get to see DS around once a month they never complain. Once we went to visit my DPs twice in one month and MIL said that we were travelling too much and it wasn't healthy for DS.

• tidies the house and rearranges the kitchen whenever we go away. I hate this as I feel it's undermining my role as woman of the house and mother of the house.

I feel like I'm competing for attention from my son and losing the battle. What makes it worse is that DH parents DS exactly like his mother does(as she can do no wrong in his eyes). I am the only disciplinarian and the only one that thinks it's healthy for a child to learn to play by themselves at various points in the day.

I basically want to reassert my position as DS's one and only mother. While I was on mat leave i felt like I had a really special bond with DS which is non existent now. Currently DS has 3 mothers - my DH, my MIL and me- and I'm his least favourite. I don't feel I'm strong enough to become his mother again without limiting her contact and influence over our family life (since I can't limit DH's).

AIBU to deprive her of her relationship with her grandchild so that I can bond with DS again?

crips

IT makes me shudder how that's so obvious to many poster's but to others they don't get it.
I would never treat my own DD child in that way or gloat that her baby enjoyed me more because poor DD had to work etc.

It's concerning because these posters that can't see it's wrong are either mils or Will be one Day.

Your concern about her going to places without telling you is a bit cringy

Also my DH and BIL got abused by one of MIL's family friends when they were little...

Still cringy?

Sorry I've been missing - DS has been unwell the past few days and I had to take him to hospital in the end. I'm so grateful for all the posts. To answer the questions that have come up a few times:

At nursery he's totally fine- we ask them if he throws tantrums when he's getting his nappy changed/ eating/ tired and they say very rarely. So he's much more disciplined there than at home or with MIL. He also has a longer nap at nursery. Obviously issues at home that need to be addressed.

I am jealous of both my MIL and DH's relationship with DS but I think my MIL's relationship goes further than a grandparental one and she's made a huge effort to be on par with DH in DS's affections. I know why she does it but it doesn'tmake it any less annoying/upsetting. She grew up in foster care and only feels loved when she is someone's favourite. She tries to earn love though unwanted gifts, spoiling people, doing stuff for them whether they want it or not (which is what I think she's doing when she tidies and rearranged my house). Even my BIL has complained about MIL's behaviour with his dogs...the dogs prefer MIL to my BIL. And once she is someone's favourite she'll boast about her special position. But that's at the expense of my relationship with DS so yes I am jealous - it's one thing to compete with the other GP but it's completely selfish to compete with the child's mother. When I was much younger I was an au pair for a year, and I was very conscious of my role even though I was very close to the family. I made sure I never made the mum feel jealous or that I had replaced her (which isn't that hard - just not being a dick really) and I always gave the mum space to bond with her baby on the weekend ALONE - and only tagged along when invited. So I really don't understand MIL's attitude. Also will never get this time back again so I think my jealousy is valid since as a mum I've missed out on the past year of having a special bond with my only child.

DH annoys me a bit because he is exactly like MIL - all consuming with DS's attention - so I do have to compete with him for time with my baby...I may be bitter but it's how I feel... I'm tired of being outnumbered by their family

@Jozxyqk Oh I would be devastated by that... your reaction is so mature. I think if things continue the way they are then my son would definitely say something like that that when he understands concepts such as love and favourite! It's true though I need to change my perspective as it's not DS's fault he reacts to me the way he does.

I don't think I can take away the spare key as it would be too awkward since it's gone on for so long, but I will get a door bolt or keep the key in the inside of the door when I'm home! I'm worried that on my days off she'll still pop round or ask to tag along to whatever I'm doing. In the last couple of months of mat leave I'd always try be out of the house as much as possible but it was exhausting. I'm going to have to get assertive (I hate confrontation which is probably part of the reason I'm in this mess anyway).

I think I also need relationship counselling as this is affecting my relationship with DH. I see our family as DH , his mother and my son on one side, and then just me battling against them trying to win my son's affections. I get upset almost on a weekly basis with DH because of how he undermines my attempts to discipline DS and how he gives him constant attention making it difficult for me to get a word in edgeways or be noticed. Lowlights are definitely when DS screams "no mummy" on a daily basis when I try to do something with him while he's with his daddy. Or when he pushes me away then runs to daddy. I definitely do let my emotions get the better of me - and I think someone mentioned DS might be feeding off my anxiety and low confidence which I'm sure is possible.

God it gets worse

Pack your bags and leave, seriously you have a DH problem in bucket loads.

Tell him you want councilling and soon, because his behaviour woeful wreck any marridge.

When my son went through a huge daddy phase at a similar age and shouted no mummy, my dp carrying him would immediately come and hug and kiss me and then ds would join in the affection. If your dp isn’t on side you do need that to change, perhaps through counselling

You are NOT being unreasonable at all. Your mil is usurping your role, inserting herself into your daily lives, taking over your son, trying to play mommy and feeding off the attention and feeling that she is the favourite.

You need a HARD reset. I agree with taking your son for a holiday to your moms and enjoying quality time together.

On your two days off with him - she is not to be invited to tag along. Nor should you discuss your plans with her. A “we have plans” will suffice.

Get a chain lock for the inside of your home and KEEP IT LOCKED. Do not let her in for any reason. The only reason she is popping in is to steal the spotlight and impose herself onto yourself and YOUR son.

Protect your relationship with your child with all your might.

She grew up in foster care and only feels loved when she is someone's favourite.
Sound of penny dropping. This is her issue, not yours. It's terribly sad that this is how she deals with it, but it's not acceptable to use your son as a means of making herself feel better. (My MIL does exactly the same, albeit for a different reason - my own mother pointed it out and, once she had, I couldn't un-see it.)

I had to go back to work when DD was 8 months old, DH was SAHD for a while. It was really hard that he got more time to bond with DD than I did, (although at that point PILs were still round our house /picking him & DD up in their car every day) but he made a lot of effort to make sure DD got time with me. He mostly did dinner so I didn't have to spend time away from her. I did bathtime with her as often as possible, I would get up with her in the night if I wasn't working the next day. When she started talking, he kept showing her my photo & taught her "mummy" & they surprised me one evening when I got home. She was a lot of hard work - we did think for a while that she might have some kind of illness or SEN but, in retrospect, she was just incredibly unsettled.

Children do through phases of preferring one parent, then the other - especially when they're this young. Your DH needs to realise that you need & deserve his support on this, or your mental health & marriage is likely to suffer. YY to the suggestions of counselling - perhaps jointly, if he would agree to it. Find a different babysitter for those times & don't even discuss it with MIL!

We took to keeping our doors locked, all the time. We never had before. As to my reaction to what my DD said - TBH I wasn't wholly surprised by it. She'd been acting that way for pretty much her entire life, it was just the first time she'd verbalised it. I certainly cried buckets that night, when she was asleep, (& TBH DH was pretty angry at first - I shut that right down) but, she's 6. It's all she's ever known, & we let it happen.

I'm still completely polite & respectful to MIL, BTW. I keep things "bright & breezy". I don't get drawn into conversation about myself, DD or DH, or offer any information about our plans. They still see DD reasonably often - at least every couple of weeks. We've started sending the continuous supply of toys back - "you left this here last time" " oh no, haha, we don't have room for that" "DD already has about 57 soft toys on her bed, it would be so lovely if she had some at your house". etc, etc.