MIL taking over my family life - reducing contact - AIBU?

[Rach182]

Ok this is my first post on here after years of stalking. Sorry it's so long. I'm basically going to cut off as much unsupervised contact as possible between my MIL and my 2 year old DS so that I can bond with DS again.

My MIL lives 5 minutes away. I rue the day I ever agreed to move to DH's home town- it is my biggest regret since as a family my in laws just don't have boundaries. My DPs live 250 miles away. Both me and DH work full time (I went back to work full time when DS was 8 months old for financial reasons). DS is in nursery 3 days a week and with my MIL 2 days a week. My problem with this is that MIL has tried her best to act like his mother and replace me! And it upsets me because it's worked. DS screams when I come back from work on the days he's with MIL and she loves it and takes great pleasure in him wanting her more. The resentment has built up too much now and I just want to start over. So I'm due to start a new 3 day a week job in October and I'm going to keep my son in nursery for 3 days and take over my MIL's childcare days...I also want to limit her visits to once a fortnight (though I think that will be hard), and I don't ever want her to babysit again.

The thing is she's a "nice" lady but she is needy, indulgent and interfering. Examples of her behaviour include:

• would use her emergency key to let herself in everyday unannounced while I was on mat leave... DH didn't even see a problem with this for a long time as he lets himself into their house
• taking DS off me as soon as she arrives in the house/ whenever we visit and hogging him until we leave.
• would watch me breastfeed and make comments on how DS was too old for it (from even he was 4 months) ... he should be on the bottle etc. I know it annoyed her because it was the one thing she couldn't do and the one thing that made it clear that I was his mother not her.
• taking DS off me when he's crying and when I tell her I've got it, she says he wants his nanny
• attributing everything DS does to her. If I say... oh DS is getting really good at road safety she'll bang on about how it's because of her. If DS dances/sings/does anything cute she'll say he takes after her. If I'm excited because I think he's reached a new milestone she'll say he's been doing it for weeks with her. This of course feeds into my jealousy and insecurity as a full time working mother.
• gives DS her undivided attention and entertainment even when he's having a tantrum already tries to console him/ give him toys/ give him even more attention. His tantrums are getting so bad now and I've told her so many times to ignore him when he's having one but she doesn't listen.
• calls DS 'my baby'
• takes DS places without asking me first. I.e. she's been taking him to the care home she works at regularly since DS was 8 months old... takes him to her friends houses many of which I don't know...I tell her that I only want him at my house, her house, or a public child appropriate place but she doesn't listen

-moans if she hasn't seen DS for a few days... saying he's growing up without her. This is normally when we go to visit my DPs for the weekend and even though they only get to see DS around once a month they never complain. Once we went to visit my DPs twice in one month and MIL said that we were travelling too much and it wasn't healthy for DS.

• tidies the house and rearranges the kitchen whenever we go away. I hate this as I feel it's undermining my role as woman of the house and mother of the house.

I feel like I'm competing for attention from my son and losing the battle. What makes it worse is that DH parents DS exactly like his mother does(as she can do no wrong in his eyes). I am the only disciplinarian and the only one that thinks it's healthy for a child to learn to play by themselves at various points in the day.

I basically want to reassert my position as DS's one and only mother. While I was on mat leave i felt like I had a really special bond with DS which is non existent now. Currently DS has 3 mothers - my DH, my MIL and me- and I'm his least favourite. I don't feel I'm strong enough to become his mother again without limiting her contact and influence over our family life (since I can't limit DH's).

AIBU to deprive her of her relationship with her grandchild so that I can bond with DS again?

Please put your DS first. He has a lovely relationship with his GP. He knows you are his mummy. As he gets older he will have his own interests and the emphasis will change. It’s lovely that someone loves him as much as you and has helped out. You had no worries about him being stressed when you left him to go to work. That is priceless. Take a deep breath and think of the good things. He is obviously a contented chap. The things you don’t like address. Talk to your MIL.

@AnnabelC - i would completely agree but i genuinely don't think he knows I'm his mummy in any meaningful sense of the word. He knows he calls me mummy but if he hurts himself and I'm in the same room as my MIL he'll go to her. If we go to the doctors for his jabs pr because he's ill he'll want to sit on DH's lap , in fact if he's ill he'll only want DH or MIL for comfort unless I'm the only option. It wasn't like this during mat leave which makes me think I'm his mummy in name only but a surrogate mother for my MIL in practice.

Do you think he is picking up on you not feeling confident, maybe. Have you told your MIL and DH how you feel. I can tell you love him to bits and it hurts that he ignores you.

Does no one put the catch down or the chain on when at home any more? All these Mil's with keys! I think go to just weekends at first, as that fits the new arrangement re you doing the 2days, so doesnt look an obvious 'tactic'. If you go in all guns blazing & fortnightly straight away, you prob need to be prepared for a nuclear level battle/reaction.

They moved to a nearby town where housing was cheaper a little while ago, thankfully, so we no longer get the daily visits. They still turn up pretty regularly though (& I occasionally ignore the door / phone if I don't feel like seeing them). DD still adores them & we don't stop them seeing her, but now she's in school it tends to be weekends & holidays only. It was getting to be every weekend but I put a stop to that as I pointed out we were barely seeing her at one point. PILs have also failed to pick her up from school a couple of times (when they were supposed to, at their request) so they are no longer allowed to do that either as we can't trust them to keep to it.

They don't know we plan to move away. TBH, it's not possible in the immediate future, for financial reasons. No point upsetting anyone before it needs to happen. They have no idea how we, & especially I, feel. I'd never tell them as it just wouldn't achieve anything - MIL is pretty narcissistic & manipulative, FIL is weak, argumentative & prone to throwing his toys out of the pram. We give them a fair bit of leeway, though, because they are both in fairly poor health, & it's obviously a strain on them.

Your MIL is caring for her sick husband?How does DH justify MIL’s childcare if she’s caring for FIL, who your DH can’t move away from as he’s so ill?

Or, AIBU to deprive my child of the relationship with me to pacify someone who disrespects and undermines me hmm

well put.

do what you have planned but agree with others than once a fortnight may be unneccessary and seem like a punishment for DS. Possibly once a week with the odd babysitting duty is more reasonable.

These early years seem so important at the time and of course they are fundamental to a child's development but your DS wont have a very detailed memory of them as he grows up anyway. No-one replaces mum, no matter how many hours you work and how little you see your DS he won;t love a grandparent more than you .

She sounds like a bitch and in the long term you should move away but if she is widowed be prepared for her to follow you.

in fact if he's ill he'll only want DH or MIL for comfort in that case she is too involeved. We see my mum 3 or 4 times a week and she provides childcare but m ykids still want me or daddy when they are sick

you should distance yourself from this woman. and as I said before just remember he won;t have any memory of these years so if you get it sorted now it will be fine

Carve something out for you two. Swimming, parks where you can both run and get dirty. Think of the things that mil doesn't like and make them yours. Then don't tell her about them.
Change the lock, it's your house too, how would he feel if he was on a day off and your Mum walked in.
Get dh to pop round with ds after work so you don't need to be involved and have something lovely planned for ds when he gets back.
Don't criticise her, just say this is what will make me and ds happy.

I don’t actually think your MIL is doing much that’s wrong. It sounds like you and DH have different ideas of how extended family should be and that’s what’s causing the issue. I personally don’t have that close of relationship with my parents but I see my in laws every day and FaceTime them if I don’t. We also all have keys and would never knock on the door. She takes my son when he goes in so I can get away and don’t have to peel him off me. When she is watching him he gets dragged to all the coffee shops with her friends and whatever boring errands she’s doing but I completely trust her to keep him safe. She isn’t often in our house on her own but she would absolutely do some tidying if she was. I bf until 17months which I know she wouldn’t be 100% keen on but she never once made a comment unlike my own mother who blamed it on everything.
I honestly love being so close to my in laws. I love how much my little boy loves his grandparents. He absolutely knows me as his mum and I have been full time since he was 8 months old.
I can understand you wanting to reduce your days and spend a bit more time with him, I wish I could and I really hope that helps the situation and you feeling a bit left out. It would maybe make sense to have a big chat with your DH about how you feel a bit stifled and ways that you can bring on your confidence as a mum, maybe he could have a chat with your MIL about taking a step back? Going from multiple times a week to once a fortnight supervised visits will be a big adjustment for him, I really hope it doesn’t come to that for you and you find a better solution.

Full time employed since 8 months old...sorry if that’s not clear from the original post

You need to plan your 2 days so you aren't in for her to pop round.

Change the locks - tell you DH don't ask - she's over steping the mark and shouldn't be in your home uninvited.

Agree DH takes DS round once a week for tea.

Let her any sit occasionally. Keeps things 'ok'

So try and move - more a 'have to ring first' rather than a hours away

(Actually I'd have packed my bags and gone home!)

I agree with don’t go so extreme on weekends. Change the locks as well. Be prepared for some pushback - perhaps can you plan a weeks holiday and taking ds to your mums for a week ideally at short notice if you feel everyone’s getting too tense . Or about a month into your 3 day a week work sched if you can’t be too short notice.

I also agree with pps that 2 year olds don’t really understand the emotions that drive them to tantrums. By the time they are having a tantrum you don’t have to give in on what caused it but you can certainly hug them and try to soothe them.

i think that you need a super confidence boost here.And a rather big conversation with your MIL. You have a lovely 2 year old son,, he is yours and your husbands son. full stop. It is worrying you so much now, that you are being taken over by your MIL, and this is very controlling,and not on at all. I know that this can happen sometimes in families,,but its simply not good that you have all the worry about it.

These issues were mine years ago, until I got a mind set of being stronger, and things got better then, although I got hassle from people for being horrible, but I just got real,,not horrible.

Your MIL is a viper is a viper in the grass to be sure, but I think you have an even bigger DH problem. His number one loyalty should be to YOU, and him letting his mother get away with all of this nonsense is inexcusable.

Get a keysafe, then nobody needs a spare key and say you don't want anybody just letting themselves in.

The staged approach sounds easiest for all of you; take over the 2 days and enjoy being with your boy, maybe a weekly weekend visit. Then you can have an occasional busy weekend naturally as you have specific plans or his little friends have birthdays etc... to build into fortnightly visits. Your DH is the one who needs to speak to her about where she takes your son, because he can directly reference the abuse in a way that you can't and use that to set boundaries.

I can relate my ex’s mother was a nightmare and constantly undermining as a mother with little digs or completely taking over and taking him off me all the time. It’s been 9 years and I’m thankful that this woman is no longer in my life.

Personally I would talk to DGM first and explain what she is doing and how would she had felt if it was being done to her and if she did not stop you would be putting steps in place to ensure she has no contact with DGC.

If she ran to DH I would deny deny deny and let her look the fool. I know it is devious but sometimes you have to play their game.

My DS was exactly the same when younger, we lived with my parents and I worked full time and whenever I was home and he was upset he would always prefer to go to my mother. But as he grew up and we moved out he gradually always came to me. He has a great relationship with my mum now and he is 7.

My MIL was exactly the same, I can remember how upsetting this was and how much ill-feeling it caused. Happily things have improved considerably now that my dc are older and far more interested in seeing friends on hols, w/e's etc than staying with her. But the attempts to meddle & manipulate continue, especially after we've spent time visiting my family.

Gracious! I'd change the locks, explain to your dh that she doesn't need a key, and yes look after your son. She has over stepped so many boundaries I've lost count.
Try not to feel jealousy or guilt though, it'll only make you bitter and angry. just move on.

YANBU. And I would fear for how much more she wants when your FIL dies. PIL live next door to SIL and have overstepped boundaries with the DC for years. NOw older, there is no special bond though, quite the opposite - more two frustrated teens whose grandparents still won't back off a bit!

You're doing the right thing. My relationship with my child was totally undermined by a family member. Even if they seem to be enjoying it, in the long run they need to feel that bond with you. In our case,my relative died, leaving my child devastated.

Plan days out for the first few days of the new arrangements so you’re not in when mil comes over.
Definitely get a chain so she can’t just walk in, though she’ll know you’re in.
Then plan regular events like pp have mentioned. See if they have toddler groups, swimming, library sessions

Hi OP This sounds like an intolerable situation and well done for identifying what is going on from your POV. Have you told your OH all of this?

I think your plan to reduce contact is a good one. The relationship your DS has with your MIL is unhealthy because there are no boundaries. It sounds like it's affecting all your relationships tbh and potentially your mental health/emotional wellbeing.

The warning flag is that she is not respecting the boundaries that you are putting in place for your son in discipline and where he goes/who's house he is at - both DH and you must know!

Surely your DH understands that given his history?

How is your son at nursery?