I’ll try to keep this as succinct as possible but I’m really struggling with what to do in this situation, and it just keeps getting more and more complex.
Married DH in June 2017. I was living abroad in the UK when I met him. Five months into the marriage he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore and in fact wanted to go back to living with his parents forever (at 30..) and more of less sent me packing back to my country. Two weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test. I told him over the phone and he said to get an abortion and that I was ruining his life.
Nothing until February when I forwarded some scans to him and ILs (who I had a lovely relationship with prior to the end) of DS. They said they were opting out as it was in XH’s best interests for them to support him and not me and unborn DS. He made some noises about wanting to involved but then heard nothing from him again for months, and then it was only to sort out finances and a divorce ASAP.
DS arrived at 31weeks and spent a month in the NICU. Informed XH, seemed to have triggered something in him and he said he wanted to come see DS. Then nothing. He has been in occasional contact with me to set up child maintenance and query divorce items but has asked about DS literally once. He said there is zero point in asking after his DS until DS is of an age to answer him himself on Skype or similar..
Talking to him is draining. Our conversations have broken down and numerous gems have been lobbied at me including:
- he sees zero issue with telling DS he wanted to abort him if he ever asks because abortion is a normal solution to unplanned pregnancy.
- he has said numerous times there’s zero point in seeing DS before he’s 5 because babies don’t need or remember their fathers before then.
- when he decided he was coming to meet DS, he booked it without consulting me for September when DS is 4 months old so he doesn’t have to change holiday plans..
- he originally told me he didn’t want me around with him and newborn DS because if I could figure out how to handle a newborn, then surely he’d be fine.
- he routinely takes 3-4 weeks to reply to any emails I send, and if we do speak on the phone he constantly sighs and sounds hard done by. His most recent conversation he insisted I’m being awkward and difficult by offering to bring DS to the UK once or twice a year at my own expense so he can have a relationship with his dad. Apparently I’m being bossy and controlling by insisting if he sees DS it should be somewhat regular consistent contact.
Apologies for the novel, but now he’s decided I must be there to help him look after DS for the week he has booked to be here (without discussing it with me..) because DS “won’t know him and will probably make strange at him”.
AIBU to simply say no? I’m torn between being sick at leaving DS with his father if his father doesn’t know how to properly care for a newborn (he will be 2 months old corrected age by then), and thinking I shouldn’t be sacrificing my mental health by being around XH for hours on end for an entire week when he originally seemed to think taking care of a newborn on his own with no infant experience would go off without a hitch.
I’m at a total loss here on what to do and would love some outside perspective on how to balance the needs of everyone involved. What would you do?