To just leave infant DS with XH to get on with?

[Rtmhwales]

I’ll try to keep this as succinct as possible but I’m really struggling with what to do in this situation, and it just keeps getting more and more complex.

Married DH in June 2017. I was living abroad in the UK when I met him. Five months into the marriage he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore and in fact wanted to go back to living with his parents forever (at 30..) and more of less sent me packing back to my country. Two weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test. I told him over the phone and he said to get an abortion and that I was ruining his life.

Nothing until February when I forwarded some scans to him and ILs (who I had a lovely relationship with prior to the end) of DS. They said they were opting out as it was in XH’s best interests for them to support him and not me and unborn DS. He made some noises about wanting to involved but then heard nothing from him again for months, and then it was only to sort out finances and a divorce ASAP.

DS arrived at 31weeks and spent a month in the NICU. Informed XH, seemed to have triggered something in him and he said he wanted to come see DS. Then nothing. He has been in occasional contact with me to set up child maintenance and query divorce items but has asked about DS literally once. He said there is zero point in asking after his DS until DS is of an age to answer him himself on Skype or similar..

Talking to him is draining. Our conversations have broken down and numerous gems have been lobbied at me including:

• he sees zero issue with telling DS he wanted to abort him if he ever asks because abortion is a normal solution to unplanned pregnancy.
• he has said numerous times there’s zero point in seeing DS before he’s 5 because babies don’t need or remember their fathers before then.
• when he decided he was coming to meet DS, he booked it without consulting me for September when DS is 4 months old so he doesn’t have to change holiday plans..
• he originally told me he didn’t want me around with him and newborn DS because if I could figure out how to handle a newborn, then surely he’d be fine.
• he routinely takes 3-4 weeks to reply to any emails I send, and if we do speak on the phone he constantly sighs and sounds hard done by. His most recent conversation he insisted I’m being awkward and difficult by offering to bring DS to the UK once or twice a year at my own expense so he can have a relationship with his dad. Apparently I’m being bossy and controlling by insisting if he sees DS it should be somewhat regular consistent contact.

Apologies for the novel, but now he’s decided I must be there to help him look after DS for the week he has booked to be here (without discussing it with me..) because DS “won’t know him and will probably make strange at him”.

AIBU to simply say no? I’m torn between being sick at leaving DS with his father if his father doesn’t know how to properly care for a newborn (he will be 2 months old corrected age by then), and thinking I shouldn’t be sacrificing my mental health by being around XH for hours on end for an entire week when he originally seemed to think taking care of a newborn on his own with no infant experience would go off without a hitch.

I’m at a total loss here on what to do and would love some outside perspective on how to balance the needs of everyone involved. What would you do?

Sometimes it is not in the child's best interests to have a father in their life, and this is one of those times.

Just stop replying to his emails and do everything through your solicitor.

Don't be around for the visit and don't permit access. At this point, he is not officially the father...
You are letting him call all the shots.
Let him pursue the divorce his end and send you the papers, assuming you have no joint assets you wish to split.

@hidinginthenightgarden
That sounds like a decent way to go about it if that’s how they do it for fosters and adoptions. I’m sure they’re more experienced.

I haven’t bothered replying to his latest missive, in the hopes he just goes away.

I’m not pushing for contact now. There was a brief moment after DS was born that he made all the right noises about it and suddenly became very keen to see him and I thought we could coparent amicably (when I suggested going to the UK) but that was the 20th of June and he hasn’t asked about DS since then. I don’t initiate contact and unfortunately he takes this as leave to just email me a message about he’s coming dates XYZ and doing ABC and I don’t have much say in it. My lawyer has made me very wary of doing anything that smacks of alienation if this does go to court. In the interim I suppose I’ll start recording any conversations (if that’s legal, I need to check) and see what he actually said in emails versus phone calls.

@Lifeisabeach09 He is officially the father, named on the birth certificate or not, because we are legally married.

I would try not to make seeing your child a contest he has to win if that makes sense. I don’t know how to do that but you won’t want to make it a competition he has to win. It would be preferable if his desire to see your child peters out.

So the general consensus is I would be being unreasonable to leave DS with him, and I’ll respect that. I think I was briefly swayed by his original argument that I had to figure it out on my own and surely he could too.

I think the idea of shorter visits and just standing firm on them is probably the way to go. He just argued I’d look unfair limiting him to eight hours as he’d traveled halfway around the world to meet DS and then I was treating him like a stranger (which he essentially is to DS).

Oh god, he could take the kid and run. It happens more than ppl think.

Tbh this young a couple of hours is plenty, eight hours is insane.

Stop worrying about how you will look and prioritise keeping your baby safe.

I would get CCTV installed.

Nearer the date he’s due to arrive I would book a holiday over lapping the days he’s due to be in the country. He cannot just state when he is coming - it needs to be mutually convenient.

Do everything you can to keep this idiot out of both your lives. Make him take you to court. DO not offer to take DS to the UK to see him.

Document everthing (with any proof you have), keep copies of all emails etc you’re going to need it all I fear.

Do not, at any stage, let him out of your sight with DS

OP, your ex would have shown more interesting a new puppy. I get the game is showing an “interest” only tout himself in a good light or maybe hiss parents have pressured him
Get your solicitor to write to his setting out the regime suggested by inthenightgarden.
Insist your DS be permitted to stick to the routine you’re trying to establish. So when baby is put down to sleep your ex must not disturb him. Insist ex changes all the dirty nappies that occur while he is hold DS. No handing back to you for changing. Make his contact as boring as possible. Keep a discreet diary re ex’s interaction with DS.
If he is anything like a useless father I knew he’ll complain DS is always asleep when he sees him as if you have arranged it purposely!
If you feel uncomfortable about having him in your home then have a relative or friend move in for the period..
Good luck

I think shorter contact but with you present? It is entirely unreasonable of him to expect to spend 8 hours plus a day with a baby he's never met and who doesn't know him. If he makes a fuss about travelling halfway around the world I'd point out that if he'd discussed it with you first then you would have told him not to bother, or that at the very least he should have discussed with you what the (mutually agreed) plan should be. He doesn't have his child's best interests at heart - if he did he'd be working with you to make sure baby stays settled and happy during his visit. He wouldn't be planning to rock up and take the baby off you for a week.

I mean this kindly as it sounds like you'll be better off without your XH, but hopefully this state visit from him will be the last time he'll bother and then you can get on with your life with your beautiful baby.

Leaving a tiny, vulnerable baby with a man seems so unpredictable just seems crazy and risky.

Is there an option nearby to book a supervised contact centre where he could spend an hour or two with the baby under supervision?

This thread's gone loopy even faster than they normally do, which is saying something.

People don't generally abduct babies, too much like hard work. In any case, DH would be hard pressed to abduct DS all the way to the UK, babies need passports. And a visa because even tho DH may be a British citizen, DS won't be. DS wouldn't get into the UK without you doing a shedload of admin for him - and only you can do it, DH can't.

Tbh I wouldn’t really worry as a baby but as the baby got older.

From a quick look as the father is British and named on the certificate then the baby would also be British.

Get through the week and roster friends and family to drop in often, your stbxh will quickly get bored sitting around with a baby. Make it very clear that you and ds are a family unit with a routine and he has to fit in with this while he is visiting.
I bet after this visit you will hear little from him. Don't leave ds with him.

I'd let a solicitor deal with this person, and ask their advice - it would be money well spent.

Horrible man. I'm afraid your son is better off without him.

Children need one parent who is crazy about them to thrive. A shit one extra one does more harm than good.

Let it go and move on. This man is toxic for you and your child. Keep contact minimal and get the hell out. Divorce, move on and love that little baby with all your might.

@LanaorAna2

I don’t get the abduction concern either but even my own mother brings it up. Frankly I can’t see him running off with DS when he’s dragged his heels about meeting him but I’m not stupid enough to think other mothers had discounted that possibility and had their exes run off with the DC. Nonetheless, DS doesn’t have a passport. He’s Canadian/American dual citizen as am I, but he’s entitled to British citizenship if we pursue that (jointly).

I wouldnt leave him to feed my goldfish. What are you thinking of?

He just argued I’d look unfair limiting him to eight hours as he’d traveled halfway around the world to meet DS and then I was treating him like a stranger (which he essentially is to DS).

He would argue that but assuming Canadian law is not ridiculous then remember we are tslking about a very tiny baby and most countries accept that babies need to be with mothers more than fathers in the early months. That isn't to lessen the father's role its just that biologically a mother does play a greater part in the early weeks/months of a child's life.

I think I was briefly swayed by his original argument that I had to figure it out on my own and surely he could too

this shows complete disregard for the child's best interests and also a complete lack of understanding of how 31 weeks living in you might may you more cloely bonded to your DS than he will be when he meets him months after his birth. FFS what is wrong with this man? You must be kicking yourself for marrying such an idiot!

As others have said take legal advice at every stage.

Waiting to be shot down here, but if I was recovering from a brief disaster of a marriage, I'd be horrified to find out I was about to be a parent with no prior discussion by an ex I loathed and had left at speed.

I'd calm down fairly quickly and get on top of my duties, but I would need time to process emotionally. 'Sighing on the phone' isn't that unreasonable.

He's now changed his mind and is stepping up, albeit not in a terribly impressive way. Some of the other stuff he came out with does make him sound like an idiot, admittedly. No doubt he said it in misery and confusion, and it's clear with recent contact he's already moved on from that.

But some of the stuff your exDH said is entirely fair - he told you the marriage was over, he had left you and he said he didn't want children. All of which he has every right to do. Respect that.

Don't leave someone with zero experience of children with a tiny baby all day long, no one does that. They really don't.

I’ll be taking the advice of this thread and dropping contact after the visit with the hopes he gives up and moves on when he doesn’t have me to spar with. Right now it just seems if I say “push” he insists he must pull and if I say “pull” he must push. If I just stop engaging he may well disappear on his own, though the fact he’s updated DS into his will (and is inordinately obsessed with finances and hoarding money) makes me think he’s planning on staying around at his own leisure for DS’s entire life.