AIBU to break up with disabled partner

[marsbar11]

so this is the situation as briefly as i can make it due to the complexity! we have three children age 8 and under. my partner has lost both legs about 4 years ago due to longstanding health problems. we are currently housed with housing association (cant use private renting or get a mortgage due to our stay at home situation - i am a full time carer for him at home) our properties since he lost his legs have never been suitable and in most cases he has to crawl around on his knees or kneel on his wheelchair to use stuff/wash/function etc. in our current property he sleeps on the sofa (cant get upstairs) we have a big thing on with the housing association, our local mp and the councillor but they cannot help us we need a three bed bungalow, they cannot give us what they have not got. this situation has severely affected his rehabilitation and i believe has caused more problems due to him having to crawl around. as a result, our relationship is on the rocks due to the stress, so all are suffering in the atmosphere as a result. would it be better to split up as it would be so much easier and quicker for my partner to be rehoused into a smaller bungalow that has all the facilities for him to have some independence? (bearing in mind he is due another operation which means he wont be able to crawl/kneel at all) the current situation is becoming toxic, and separation may mean that everyone would be emotionally/mentally and physically happier?

Is it what you want to do, or you feel forced into doing to meet his housing need? Will you still be caring for him full time?

a bit of both as this has been going on for 4 years now it has put massive strain on us that im not sure we can recover from

Why is he crawling around? Surely he’s fitted with prosthetic legs four years post op?

no unfortunately he was only given a small chance of being ever able to use prosthetics due to his underlying health problems - the amputations were to remove the 'dead wood'(surgeons phrase) he still needs regular ops meaning he will always have long periods of even more limited mobility which is why it is so important to have the right property

It sounds like you are both having a hard time op

You say that a three bed isn’t available right now, but don’t give up hope.

Splitting up due to your housing situation would be a drastic long term decision for what could actually be a short term situation. Unless what you want out of this is not to be his carer anymore.

If I was you, I would contact a health professional about the anguish this is causing you- they may be able to help and refer you to counselling.

Let yout local authority know the extent of the problems this is causing you- mental health is as important as physical health.

If they operate on a points based system and you are not already in the top set for priority, this might position you for the next vacated 3 bed.

Larlarland, I don't know what experience you have with amputations but being 'fitted with prosthetics' is rarely straightforward IME.

OP, I was in a similar situation, we split up. Mostly things are much better, although our relationship was on its last legs (no pun intended!) before he got ill. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Sounds like a horrible situation to be in. It is possible you would get on better if you split up and he had a property and carers to meet his needs. You would then be able to focus on the children and take them to see their DF.

I know a family that live in a housing association property and they have two daughter's with sns. The elder daughter is also immobile. The HA built an extension for a wet room and a bedroom . Would your HA be willing to do that ?

Would there be any possibility of getting a house which had a downstairs room that could be converted for his / your joint use as a bedroom, & a downstairs wetroom? Thereby negating the need for a 3 bed bungalow? Members of my family adapted a downstairs study in a similar fashion for one of my family members when he became disabled due to old age, & the rest of the family still used the upstairs bedrooms as they always had.

Dhalandchips My DP is a double amputee so lots of experience.

the way i see it we would not be emotionally separated as such but we would live separately, therefore, no messy break up etc, i am certain that if we remain in our current situation it will be an actual break up he feels very low and little self worth as he cannot be independent, also i know we have done all we can to be rehoused but we just get the same answers, hey cannot give us what they havent got, there is no reason why we cant reapply for housing but at least he would be able to function in the meanwhile as it could and probably will take years

Larlarland, so you know prosthetics aren't for everyone. It's no fun when they don't work. Hope your DH is doing well.

I can't believe they haven't either built you an extension or given you a house with an extension!!! What they are expecting is crazy. Get on to them in the week.

this is where it becomes difficult, we could have our current property adapted, with an extra bedroom downstairs etc but my partner is fed up of not being able to contribute as a father for example if the children who are still young are upstairs there is only me who can get to them, bath them, tuck them in bed etc he wants to be able to have full use of a property not just half plus he is so upset with the current situation he doesnt want to adapt our current property as he already feels so depressed here

What a very difficult situation. I imagine 3 bed bungalows are rare to find, could you adapt to a house with a downstairs bathroom and bedroom. Would that be easier. Have you been in touch with the council about home improvement grants. Does he have a medical condition, do they have a helpline.

Has anyone suggested extending/adapting your current home? Eg creating a downstairs bedroom and suitable bathroom/wetroom.

www.gov.uk/disabled-facilities-grants

Would it be possible to have a stair lift fitted so that your DP could sleep upstairs at least?

It sounds a dreadful situation to be in, I’m not surprised your relationship is suffering.

Would adapted living accommodation improve life enough to save your relationship, or do you feel you won’t make it as a couple anyway? No doubt all the pain and stress have changed you both. Are the children suffering? Their needs have to be considered too.

Yes I do know that but in many cases the prosthetics team will work hard to come up with a workable solution. I am wondering if the OP’s DH is diabetic and not looking after himself in this respect? Perhaps this isn’t the case but I have spent enough time in the waiting rooms of a prosthetics department to know this is a very common issue.
I totally sympathise OP. It is incredibly hard to live with this disability and tough on the whole family.

Adaptations could include a lift.

When your DH has his op(s) he should have been seen by a psychologist as part of his rehab. He sounds depressed and maybe needs to be referred back to them?

If you split up he will be able to contribute less! He will have a one bedroom bungalow and nowhere for the kids to sleep. Get the property adapted. There is more to being a dad than tucking them in at night. He will be less stressed because he's sleeping properly. I don't think there are three bedroom bungalows available on social housing.

Unfortunately this doesn’t sound like a relationship any more but a carer/ caree with both of you unhappy. If he was housed in more suitable accommodation alone do you think he would rehabilitate better? Many double amputees manage to work and live well, obviously depending on other health issues and support.

You need counselling both alone and as a couple to find the right solution but you don’t sound happy and neither does he which must impact your children. You still deserve love and care from a partner even if they have disabilities, are you getting this?

no he is not diabetic/druggie/alcoholic, and yes i know we are also witness to the self inflicted unkempt patients at the clinics andd you wonder where their carers/family are. medical mystery he has had nearly 20 operations resulting in amputation and he has been put in the medical journal which is why he has been guinea pigged for so long. he doesnt see it ever working in our current property and he is adamant we all need to be together on one level for a better family life, which i totally get, but im trying to be realistic and bungalows especially large ones are like gold dust. he feels really wronged by the housing association as we have been fighting with them for 4 years for adequate housing to the extent that his surgeon has been reluctant to discharge him from hospital due to lack of facilities

What about a flat? Plenty of 3bed social housing flats.

yes i do and our relationship has suffered immensely - we cannot find a sense of normality in all this - something has got to give for the benefit of the children