AIBU to break up with disabled partner

[marsbar11]

so this is the situation as briefly as i can make it due to the complexity! we have three children age 8 and under. my partner has lost both legs about 4 years ago due to longstanding health problems. we are currently housed with housing association (cant use private renting or get a mortgage due to our stay at home situation - i am a full time carer for him at home) our properties since he lost his legs have never been suitable and in most cases he has to crawl around on his knees or kneel on his wheelchair to use stuff/wash/function etc. in our current property he sleeps on the sofa (cant get upstairs) we have a big thing on with the housing association, our local mp and the councillor but they cannot help us we need a three bed bungalow, they cannot give us what they have not got. this situation has severely affected his rehabilitation and i believe has caused more problems due to him having to crawl around. as a result, our relationship is on the rocks due to the stress, so all are suffering in the atmosphere as a result. would it be better to split up as it would be so much easier and quicker for my partner to be rehoused into a smaller bungalow that has all the facilities for him to have some independence? (bearing in mind he is due another operation which means he wont be able to crawl/kneel at all) the current situation is becoming toxic, and separation may mean that everyone would be emotionally/mentally and physically happier?

OP, you’re not married, you didn’t make any promises, you have given a hell of a lot to this man and he hasn’t even asked you to marry him. I feel for him, I really do, but women don’t owe it to men, to sacrifice their own happiness, for a life of unappreciated servitude.

Fizz its actually an insult to him to say Op can't leave him. He is not a charity case who needs someone feeling sorry enough to stay with him out of pity. He is still a man who has responsibilies alongside his horrendous suffering. Giving him that respect means she has a choice to leave him or not.
Op could ye have counselling together to find a solution?. There is a lot of; he won't agree to this or that. Something will have to give. Is he on medication for depression? I'm thinking of those soldiers who come back from war with their legs gone..where do they live? Is there a support group for people?
I was going to suggest the go fund me page as well. Every day people look for money and others are amazingly generous. I would see your situation as being as needy if not more so than most there.

So he won't accept:

Adaptations to current house
Help from social services
Relocation to source property elsewhere
Or indeed "any proper help which may or may not get us the right property"

And as well as him treating you badly, you know that even the council magic-ing up his ideal property may well not help in the end

Like everyone else I'm really sorry about the situation he finds himself in, but I'm sadder for you and the kids, who face an entire childhood living in this atmosphere

I favour the idea of laying out those "alternatives" to him myself, but if this fails to get you anywhere, is it perhaps the time to put the children first now?

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, OP. I know what’s it like to feel there is no way out of a situation. I also know what it’s like to live with a very depressed OH caused by serious health issues, so I’m sending a virtual hug your way.

It sounds like in his current frame of mind, your OH wont be happy even with a bungalow. At the moment it gives him a ‘hook’ to hang his depression and low mood on.

Before jumping in to solutions re the housing, I would advise trying to get his mental health sorted so he and you can both see the wood for the trees and begin to work out what’s important for both of you.

My DH very nearly died a few years ago and still has ongoing major health issues and it caused him - unsurprising to suffer sever depression. It VERY nearly ruined us as a couple but somehow, miraculously, we’ve managed to piece our marriage back together slowly and although it’s not perfect we are generally happy.

Take it step by step

I'm not being funny, but you sound like the ideal candidates for DIY SOS. I was on a BBC show 2 years ago, it was a good experience, why not apply, you have nothing to lose

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/1l09xDvmzg4CYlphjLp4XWC/contact-us

I was thinking that @nogrip but don't you have to have an appalling mess? Bad circs won't cut it. Plus you probably need to own the property.

How would it impact on his mental health if he were living alone? My DP is disabled (mental health issues) and has depression and very low self esteem. It is very hard. Carer/caree IS a relationship but not the one we had hoped for. If your man is depressed already - and I can't see how you are not both depressed - leaving him might be more than he can manage. Nag the authorities, nag them to death. Don't stop fighting for what is best for your family.

I agree, imnotreally; it's a good idea on the face of it, but the chances of DIY SOS and the like getting involved with a council-owned property are probably less than nil

And somehow I doubt OP's OH would accept that either - probably understandably this time, given the way it could expose him

"partner wont accept a relocation due to hospital access etc plus kids are settled in a good school and they have had a lot of upheaval as is"

I can understand all this. Already you all face a daily life that is made more difficult by particular needs, and I can't see that those needs would be best served by plonking you all down in a strange area.

This may have been already suggested, marsbar, and even if it hasn't been, you would have to fight to get it ... but has your HA (or any social housing in your area) considered giving you two adjoining two-bed houses, and adapting them to one?

I know of someone this happened for. The two houses were knocked through. The sitting-room and kitchen of one house were changed into a (disable-equipped) bedroom and wet room, for the disabled family member. The other sitting room & kitchen remained just that, a family sitting room / kitchen, but with a more open-plan aspect and ... with all ground floor doors widened ... the disabled person could join in with day-to-day family life. The upstairs accommodation (4 bedrooms & two bathrooms) remained just that, although if a remember correctly one of those bedrooms was used as a family room so they had a bit of non-disabled space.

Seem to remember they really had to fight to get it (there was something about it in the local paper), with MPs , HCPs, and Adult Social services all helping to get it agreed.

Could you not have a stairlift fitted?

I've used a wheelchair since childhood and am an amputee. I'm also desperately looking for somewhere to live that's accessible, but have lived in properties in the past with a stairlift.

this has been really helpful - i actually have managed to form a bit of a strategy - thankyou to everyone who has posted with honesty and understanding, i will use this thread to post updates!

What a difficult situation to be in. I care for my DH too and know what a strain that can put on a relationship even without the housing issues. Do you have any support for yourself through your local carers services? Have you had a carers assessment?

In terms of being rehoused separately, what are your DHs thoughts on this?

Glad your head is a bit clearer.

Good luck OP

Do you think living on his own - especially if he chooses that option - would help him come to terms with things better? He wouldn't be able to focus anger and frustration on you/the housing association/your inadequate living quarters anymore. I'm sure in many respects he feels like a different person since losing his legs - maybe a period of solo living and getting to know himself again would be a useful thing in the long run and might get you out of deadlock and able to appreciate each other on new terms?

Years ago my role within the Local
authority was to assess and fight for people exactly like your partner.

I'm sure you would have been given this information, but just in case it's been missed, and is still available, this is what you should have in place;

A competent top tier Occupational Therapist Care Manager funded by Social services. They would come under Adult Services. They are dual trained for mental health and physical health.

This person can liaise with social workers and the mental health teams to give you the ongoing support you all need. This is a difficult challenging situation requiring substantial input.

You need a carers assessment.

The OT can fight your case with the council to get funding. It might be that you have a case for a sizeable downstairs extension with wet room and facilities and an internal lift to enable your partner to look after his children. It might be this particular house is unsuitable and this adaptation could happen on another property.

I'm hoping this is all still in place, it's been decades now since I was in this role. I know of families in the past in similar circumstances to you and with help, funding and support it worked.

I understand your logic totally, the way poor mental health affects relationships is crippling.

Do what you need to, it may be leaving is now the option you need most rapidly to stop your mental health from deteriorating further. But meet with the Team Leader of the Adult Services Team before you decide.

Your situation almost exactly echos my own.
In my case it went on for much longer. We had no quality of life. I became so worn down and stressed that I was repeatedly off work due to ill health. I hated walking in the door as I was his emotional punching bag. He was very passive aggressive. The second I got home from work he would be on at me about something he wasn't happy with.
After over ten years of this we just couldn't go on.
We did have many adaptions to our home but it still meant he only had access to a kitchen, bedroom and bathroom, nowhere else in the house could be made accessible due to layout.
We too tried everything to get a more accessible property. But there just aren't any wheelchair accessible properties which cater for a family.
Finally he came to the realisation that the only option was for him to move into a bungalow himself.
As long as he had a child staying for 3 nights a week he was entitled to a two bedroomed bungalow.
Since he moved our relationship is so much better. We are nice to each other. I speak on the phone with him everyday and enjoy our chats. I see him most days.
He has 2 personal assistants now who help him be as independant as possible.
Childcare takes a little extra planning but so far has worked out brilliantly. He is an amazing father but the limitations of my house meant he could not help much at all. Now he gets to do all the things he missed out on.
Our family is getting on so well and it seems this is the best decision we could possibly have made.

DawnHaze thankyou so much for having the strength to share this, me coming on this forum seems to be a final cry for help and i am overwhelmed with the level of understanding from the other forum members it makes a massive difference to hear the opinions from others who actually know how i feel. i have a couple of good friends who have advised similarly but they know me on a personal level so i feel its a clouded judgement if you will - i believe that sometimes an outside perspective can be a wonderful insight into what is actually going on. im so pleased to hear that you took control of your situation and as a result, everyone is happier and functioning as a healthy family - this is what i am striving for

purpleorchidwhite thankyou this advice is still acurate! the problem im having is my partner does not want to accept the help he thinks an assessment will tell him what he doesnt want to hear and highlight the mental health issues. im not sure he is currently in a position to understand that i also need support. i dont want to approach adult services without his consent but i may have to.

I’m glad the thread has helped. We aren’t going anywhere, so come and chat when YOU want to🌷

You Are at that emotional point where you have to force his hand one way or another. Good luck.

But when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. You can't have a strop and demand oranges instead

He kind of is, though. I appreciate that he has got it tougher than most of us could imagine but so have you and he's making no acknowledgement of that. He's not working with you and that's not fair.

I would understand totally if you separated. You deserve a better life too.