AIBU to break up with disabled partner

[marsbar11]

so this is the situation as briefly as i can make it due to the complexity! we have three children age 8 and under. my partner has lost both legs about 4 years ago due to longstanding health problems. we are currently housed with housing association (cant use private renting or get a mortgage due to our stay at home situation - i am a full time carer for him at home) our properties since he lost his legs have never been suitable and in most cases he has to crawl around on his knees or kneel on his wheelchair to use stuff/wash/function etc. in our current property he sleeps on the sofa (cant get upstairs) we have a big thing on with the housing association, our local mp and the councillor but they cannot help us we need a three bed bungalow, they cannot give us what they have not got. this situation has severely affected his rehabilitation and i believe has caused more problems due to him having to crawl around. as a result, our relationship is on the rocks due to the stress, so all are suffering in the atmosphere as a result. would it be better to split up as it would be so much easier and quicker for my partner to be rehoused into a smaller bungalow that has all the facilities for him to have some independence? (bearing in mind he is due another operation which means he wont be able to crawl/kneel at all) the current situation is becoming toxic, and separation may mean that everyone would be emotionally/mentally and physically happier?

There has been some good advice here- asking local authority about their stock and current social housing being built. I hadn’t realised it was exclusively a bungalow that your family were looking for.

Exhaust those posibilities then you both need draw a line under it in order to improve your family life.

Following this, It would be healthier for your dp to focus on what he can have, rather than what he can’t. It sound like he needs some counselling.

Discuss the pros and cons of your other two options a) extension b) his own accommodation. Also consider what you would you prefer.

Occupational health services should also be able to futher help your family.

I remember watching a documentary where families had one parent working away and they were using technology to bridge the distance. They had “robots” which were basically tablet type devices for FaceTime on a stick attached to wheels and the parents could direct them remotely move around the house and even join in with family dinner.

Could you crowdfund for some technology like this so that your DP can communicate with your children while they are upstairs?

It isn’t evil at all. The OP is human and is going through absolute hell. She has a choice to walk away and that would tempt anybody living in that situation.

fizzthecat 1 - firstly we are not married, secondly we have been together for 15 years and have three beautiful children, my partner has had these operations since the beginning of our relationship and it has got worse and worse, we have built a life and i have sacrificed a lot to become his carer with more and more responsibilities. he has started to treat me badly, he will ot accept any proper help which may or may not get us the right property. i am looking for a solution that benefits us all.

Even properly 3 bedroom bungalows to buy are thin on the ground unless you're looking at either the more luxury end of the market (and even then the third bedroom often seems to have an oddity like patio doors) or one's with loft conversions, meaning that they're technically not bungalows any more.

Could they perhaps put a through floor lift in so he can get upstairs? Of course he would only then be able to get into the children’s rooms if the doors were wide enough for a wheelchair but getting upstairs would be a start.

I feel for you Mars, and for your DP, it’s a horrible situation to be in. Im in an adapted married quarter, they did drag their feet a lot, but things that I thought would be really straightforward weren’t. My wetroom is downstairs and I’ve got a stairlift. I know other houses with a downstairs wetroom and through floor lift.

I hope you get something sorted but he needs to engage with adult SS.

PickAChew i understand this, we have been advised this, partner will not accept this.

@fizzthecat1 she's been trying to work it out for 4 years! Have you even read the thread?!

And yes, I understand why you're contemplating living separately.

@marsbar11 I think you would be within your rights to leave him on the grounds he is being extremely unreasonable. Set it all out for him. Yes what happened sucks. But when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. You can't have a strop and demand oranges instead.

I get that if this was a boyfriend of a few months it would be different but this is your HUSBAND. You don’t want to work out your problems because life would be easier without a disabled partner. It’s just really sad. If you feel that way you shouldn’t have married in the first place. 1 in 2 people get cancer, 20% of the population develop an auto immune disease. Imagine if you went through either of these sinarios and person who was supposed to be there through the tough times wanted to leave because it was easier. It is really sad. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself unless I’d done everything I could to work it out.

Have you had a disabled facilities grant? If not look at your local authority page. You would be eliglible for up to 30K to adapt your property. This would fund a through floor lift - look at lifttech Bridgewater for examples.and a proper wet room in an extension. Doorways widened with low thresholds and ramps for access.

They will also adapt with handrails etc for up to 1k.

The assessment, funding application and lift fitting process takes about 3 months from start to finish so there could be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Emotionally he is going through an enormous grieving process, I do understand how horrible it is when all the anger is directed at you. Maybe a more positive home will help to make him feel less helpless and more capable. Maybe not.

But no if you do not want to be with him anymore you are not bu.

@fizzthecat1 I will repeat the OP. They are not married. He is not her husband.

@PanannyPanoo he doesn't want an adapted home. He wants a 3bed bungalow. Which isn't available.

fizzthecat please go to page one and reread the posts i have made, i have exhausted so many options i am trying to give him the life he needs as well as me and our children. it is not abandoning him. we can still be 'together' and work on our relationship, we will just not live together. He has NEVER asked me to marry him yet i feel i would make an amazing wife! i have dedicated my whole life to him - please do not assume that i am evil, or i have not tried.

Another point is that it’s unlikely he’ll be able to find anyone else with no legs. Lets be real. He’s extremely vulnerable. I’m not saying you have to care about this/that it’s your fault but you did marry him so you should care a little. I feel like the responses would be very different if this was a man and his wife lost both her legs and he was planning on leaving/blindsiding her without trying to work things out.

imnotreally I think you would be within your rights to leave him on the grounds he is being extremely unreasonable. Set it all out for him. Yes what happened sucks. But when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. You can't have a strop and demand oranges instead
this is exactly the situation - thankyou x

It sounds very very tough love.

You know you can give yourself permission to be happy and you don’t have to stay in a bad relationship because he’s disabled.

FizzTheCat

You must be reading a different thread to the rest of us as your reading of the situation is completely different to most other posters.

Pmsl, Fizzcat...are you drunk? Or illiterate?

Is there any possibility of a three bed bungalow in another local authority area?

I think you would not be wrong to leave him because as it stands the situation is untenable. There is a danger of your becoming depressed or ill with stress, or possibly even your children becoming so.
You sound like a lovely caring person. I like the suggestion of giving him the three options.
It must be hell for both of you.

Guienne its a possibility - partner wont accept a relocation due to hospital access etc plus kids are settled in a good school and they have had a lot of upheaval as is

Give him an ultimatum if you are prepared to follow it through. Either he decides to be reasonable or you leave and he sorts himself out.

Can't be good for the children him sleeping on the settee surely.

Op haven't rtft but I no for a fact that ha can build extensions for disabled people if there is no other option available.
Can you have a lift put in?
Can he transfer so could use a stairlifr?
Your ot should be sorting this for you.

He sounds desperately stubborn, notwithstanding the awful circumstances you are both in! Does he ever consider what this is doing to you?

I think you need to fully research what the options are, and present them to him and insist he makes a choice. No point in sitting for another 4 years or more in limbo waiting for something you may never get.

Would he be amenable to counselling? It seems that he really does need it. Are there any charities that assist amputees? Does he get to go out of the house sometimes?