AIBU to break up with disabled partner

[marsbar11]

so this is the situation as briefly as i can make it due to the complexity! we have three children age 8 and under. my partner has lost both legs about 4 years ago due to longstanding health problems. we are currently housed with housing association (cant use private renting or get a mortgage due to our stay at home situation - i am a full time carer for him at home) our properties since he lost his legs have never been suitable and in most cases he has to crawl around on his knees or kneel on his wheelchair to use stuff/wash/function etc. in our current property he sleeps on the sofa (cant get upstairs) we have a big thing on with the housing association, our local mp and the councillor but they cannot help us we need a three bed bungalow, they cannot give us what they have not got. this situation has severely affected his rehabilitation and i believe has caused more problems due to him having to crawl around. as a result, our relationship is on the rocks due to the stress, so all are suffering in the atmosphere as a result. would it be better to split up as it would be so much easier and quicker for my partner to be rehoused into a smaller bungalow that has all the facilities for him to have some independence? (bearing in mind he is due another operation which means he wont be able to crawl/kneel at all) the current situation is becoming toxic, and separation may mean that everyone would be emotionally/mentally and physically happier?

He's not going to get rehoused without help from adult ss tho is he?!

That makes sense. Poor guy. That’s the utterly shit thing about disability, it’s a work in progress. I know from my DP that the amputations are an exercise in constant adjustments and adaptations. It is exhausting and the fact that he is facing more operations must be destroying him. I promise you that if I win tonight’s lottery I will build you a beautiful bungalow...

Is your DH getting any psychological support? Counselling? Therapy? Something like that might help him to think things through more clearly.

Like, it’s unlikely that the HA people are all evil and out to deprive him of his rights. In my experience of social housing management, while I did work with a few little hitlers and nasty bitches, the vast majority of staff were reasonable people trying to do their best.

To be honest, it doesn’t sound as if the housing situation is the main problem. (You say you’d be happy to crack on with an extension, so I’m assuming this has been offered.)

My guess is that your DH is suffering psychologically because of his health problems (my father had a leg amputated (only one, so a big, big difference in mobility from your DH) and looking back I’m sure he had PTSD from all the pain and upheaval).

Would he go for counselling if his consultant or specialist nurse could arrange it?

You have such a range of complex problems to deal with here, OP, and you sound like a really lovely woman. I do feel for you. My mother would do so too, having some understanding of the issues. I hope you don’t have to split up in order to survive but, if you do, come back on here and let us all convince you not to feel guilty.

imnotreally - i know and im considering going behind his back :(
larlarland - crying :(

I feel for him, I really do, but he’s being very selfish - and I really feel for you.

I think you are going to have to be very blunt and basically say ‘DH, I understand you want to live in a bungalow and I totally understand why, but right now it’s just not possible so you have 3 choices - 1) stay here, make the most of what we have, as best we can, with a GOOD attitude - whilst persisting in trying to get moved (they can’t get give you what they haven’t got, but they can try to aquire it or at the very least keep you at the top of the list) 2) we can accept it itll be long to wait for a bungalow so we can have this place adapted and accept its the best we can do right now, with good grace or 3) we can PROPERLY separate and you can get the best housing for your needs. HOWEVER, that will mean less time with the children and being less of a hands on Dad than either of the other two options. THOSE are your options. feeling ‘wronged’ is UNDERSTANDABLE but it’s NOT helping you, me or most especially our children. I would prefer x, but YOU need to decide which of those 3 available options you’d prefer’

I honestly do feel for him, it’s must be devastating...but he HAS to think about his marriage and his children and realise that no matter how fucking unfair this is on him, that none of you asked for this either and you are ALL in this together. You have to make him see this before he loses you as well...and your children’s childhood.

I’m really sorry there’s not a great 3bdrm bungalow available for you all x

figlessfig - thankyou :(

AnnieAnoniMoose - yes i think laying it out as options to give him choice would be a good avenue to explore

My dsis waited over 3yrs for a 3bed bungalow for my disabled dn, while they waited she was in an upstairs flat. The only way they have got what they need is by moving into a new build. There were only 2 adapted properties built the rest werent adapted for disabled people

marsbar I would because how he is living is inhumain. I’d lie to the authorities and say you have broken up so he gets a suitable home and then I’d see what can happen with the relationship.

I know a family that live in two properties because of money circumstances and even though it’s tough they make it work.

Horrible horrible situation for you all

that is extremely lucky babysharkdoodoodoodoo, im sorryshe had to wait for so long it must have been a very tough time x

Another thought ... if there are one bed bungalows available, might one have a big enough garden to build 2 beds out the back?

But tbh, the best housing solution is a bed and bath extension where you are now.

Could you suggest to him that you accept an extension, then see how he feels once he’s tried it? He might be pleasantly surprised.

Sounds really tough OP. Have you asked the HA if they actually own a three bedroom bungalow? They can only rent what they own. I wonder if seeing a stock list might help your husband have a more realistic idea of what the likelihood of moving to one could be?

OP I think you need to do what is best for the children, harsh as that is on your DP. Like you say, he did actually have options, he's just refusing to engage with them, to the detriment of family life.

My DF was like this growing up. I always fought his corner until I realised (as an adult) how his inability to improve his own situation negatively impacted upon us as a family.

It sounds very hard for you all, him included.

figlessfig we have suggested a smaller bungalow to extend but the HA wont let us overoccupy a smaller property!!!!! and he doesnt want the extension due to the hose not being one he like and the way he words it is 'not to line the pockets of the HA' what can i say? i have o powers to make these decisions as i am not the one with the disability, nor do i have the right to act on his behalf :(

I would also suggest that in the meantime work on keeping him occupied and feeling useful. Patronising perhaps but it works. Give him household tasks he can do, so peeling potatoes, chopping veg, doing the supermarket shop online. At bedtimes if he feels he’s missing out set up FaceTime so he can the children a story in bed without the need to crawl upstairs. Like all disabilities think long and hard about what he can do and focus on that.

Are you in an expensive part of the country?

I’m usually the last person to suggest leaving social housing, but in your situation it may well be that your housing needs will be better served through the private market.

If it’s really only the stairs that are the issue, maybe moving to a privately rented bungalow will be best for your family in the long run.

As harsh as this sounds, he needs to start acting like a far better husband and father than he is right now. All of this ‘they’re the enemy’ and refusing to engage with services that help and on top of that telling you that you aren’t the one with no legs HAS to stop. Now. Disabled or not, he has to stop with this selfish, ridiculous behaviour and put his CHILDREN first and be made to realise he risks losing his wife and children if he doesn’t wake up.

Btw in answer to pp, once the ha/council have provided you with an adapted house I.e extension, they won't then move you to the house you want later on. As far as they're concerned their duty ends at providing suitable accommodation. Which to them an extension would be.

saucyjack its unlikely our housing allowance rates would cover the rent on a 3 bed bungalow (it falls about £200 a month short) plus we would need to get it adapted

No helpful advice but it sounds awful. So sorry.

Annie you are not wrong and my sympathies lie with the OP (I have been where she is) but the challenges the DH faces would be enough to overwhelm the strongest of people. He sounds depressed and I don’t think anybody should be criticised for that.

Youre not obliged to stay. If you dont love him he isnt a charity case

What’s the bigger picture of his health issue OP? I’m wondering what else he’s dealing with health wise. You say he has arthritis, what caused the need for amputation?

this is what makes it so hard ANNIE and LARLARLAND - in a relatively regular situation (there is no such thing as normal) i would not accept this behaviour! however it is as a result of years of very hard and tough times so i dont know whether to put it down to circumstancial and work through it, its hard as there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel anymore - there was always optimism mostly from my side so it is hard to walk away when i understand why he is acting like this but at the same time it is destroying me

I'm sorry but I think this is quite an evil thing to do. You made vows that said "in sickness and in health" have you even tried to repair the relationship? Councilling? Any of you could become disabled at any time and it's quite depressing you'd just abandon your disabled husband when he needs you without even trying to sort out your issues first.