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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to break up with disabled partner

122 replies

marsbar11 · 18/08/2018 17:18

so this is the situation as briefly as i can make it due to the complexity! we have three children age 8 and under. my partner has lost both legs about 4 years ago due to longstanding health problems. we are currently housed with housing association (cant use private renting or get a mortgage due to our stay at home situation - i am a full time carer for him at home) our properties since he lost his legs have never been suitable and in most cases he has to crawl around on his knees or kneel on his wheelchair to use stuff/wash/function etc. in our current property he sleeps on the sofa (cant get upstairs) we have a big thing on with the housing association, our local mp and the councillor but they cannot help us we need a three bed bungalow, they cannot give us what they have not got. this situation has severely affected his rehabilitation and i believe has caused more problems due to him having to crawl around. as a result, our relationship is on the rocks due to the stress, so all are suffering in the atmosphere as a result. would it be better to split up as it would be so much easier and quicker for my partner to be rehoused into a smaller bungalow that has all the facilities for him to have some independence? (bearing in mind he is due another operation which means he wont be able to crawl/kneel at all) the current situation is becoming toxic, and separation may mean that everyone would be emotionally/mentally and physically happier?

OP posts:
ScabbyBabby · 18/08/2018 18:00

Could you set up a Just Giving page? Start raising money to fund this bungalow? Awareness needs raising of how some people in this country are suffering.

Worth a try?

But no yanbu to consider separating yourselves financially if this means that he can access this much needed help more quickly.

imnotreally · 18/08/2018 18:00

If they don't have a three bed bungalow available you have to compromise. The HA can't magic one out of thin air. I appreciate life has dealt him a tough hand and he's probably quite bitter but he doesn't sound very reasonable. He wants the one thing he can't have.

Figlessfig · 18/08/2018 18:02

Part of my husband’s job (housing department in a council) was to assess disabled people’s needs and try to sort out suitable housing. If there was a house available that met their needs, they could sometimes get that (but not always due to points-based allocations system).

If there was no other property available, he usually organised building an extension on the back of the house with a wheelchair friendly room + wet room.

Do you have a back garden big enough for an extension?

Are social services involved at all with your husband? If so, ask for an Occupational Therapist referral. I know that sounds odd, but OTs do deal with accessibility for people with disabilities.

I’m at a loss to understand why no one has suggested this, given involvement with HA, MP etc. Maybe there’s no money for adaptations for people with disabilities. Sounds odd, though.

Three bedroom bungalows are in my experience (also with social housing) very thin on the ground. Most people who need a bungalow are older and don’t need the extra bedroom/s. They can’t give you what they haven’t got.

Would an extension work for you? Could you raise it with the HA?

Original poster
marsbar11 · 18/08/2018 18:03

imnotreally part of me completely agrees, im trying to be realistic and he is so set in his ways but i also understand how he has got to that point, being in that mindset is not helping our relationship on a lot of levels

OP posts:
imnotreally · 18/08/2018 18:03

Is the issue his needs or where you all are emotionally? If he had his 3 bedroom bungalow would he then be happy? Sorry trying to work out where the problem is cos no point is all suggesting alternatives if the house isn't the actual issue.

LARLARLAND · 18/08/2018 18:06

OP , my DP has none of those problems either. I know how hard it often is for people with diabetes to change their diet drastically to stop the problem so to speak. In all honesty I have no real advice because I know exactly what you are going through and how challenging it is. The dynamic of the relationship changes and the resentment on both sides can be overwhelming. All I guess I can say is that dc get older and therefore more self reliant. My DP has had health issues all of his life and very serious ones needing amputations (after years of trying to fight off infections with antibiotics) and so my DC have lived their whole childhoods with these issues. Both have them have decided they definitely won’t become doctors because they have spent so much time in hospitals as children! If there is live between the two of you persevere. Get help but persevere. If not, you know what you have to do.

Stillme1 · 18/08/2018 18:07

When people are disabled or in some cases just being older can limit their abilities. It just cannot be helped. People have to accept these limitations. It is not what we would chose but things happen.

It is possible that your DH is causing strife by not accepting his limits as they are now and by the sounds of things he will be further limited in the future. He wants to be able to access the children in their bedrooms but that is not really possible. All very admirable but not the acceptance of his situation. Perhaps some counselling would help him come to terms with his changes.

Original poster
marsbar11 · 18/08/2018 18:07

imnotreally this is why im on a forum looking for advice :( i have been advised by people who know me that his mentality may not change even if we had the 'perfect' property, so i dont know what to do

OP posts:
imnotreally · 18/08/2018 18:07

Do you want to leave him but feel guilty because he's disabled? Can you talk to him at all?

Figlessfig · 18/08/2018 18:07

Also, if you could get a big ground floor flat, it should be possible to widen the doors and refit the kitchen and bathroom to suitable heights. Could you suggest this to the HA?

LARLARLAND · 18/08/2018 18:08

Love not live.

ReanimatedSGB · 18/08/2018 18:08

While living with medical problems such as his would make any one bitter and miserable, it sounds to me as though he is just expecting you to carry on supporting and caring for him while giving you nothing in the way of kindness, support, gratitude or pleasant company. You do not have to spend the rest of your life looking after him if it is making you miserable.
As to the housing situation, have you tried speaking to whoever your local councillor is? Or your MP? Or a charity or campaigning group? Even the local paper might be of some use: because of the current government's policies there are fewer and fewer support systems for people with severe disabilities but sometimes getting a big enough fuss made can get you more help.

Mouikey · 18/08/2018 18:11

You need to talk to your housing provider toask what stockthey have. It wouldn’t surprise me that they won’t have a 3 bed bungalow, but they may have recent 4bed that meet the homes for life standard- this should be able to facilitate a lift from ground floor to first (not a stair lift). Alternatively ask if they have relationships with any developers (I.e. are they adding to their stock), as a planner I have seen bespoke houses being built for specific families in your situation - doesn’t happen often but t does happen (esp if you get your local councillor and mp on board)

Original poster
marsbar11 · 18/08/2018 18:12

i cant talk to him anymore he is adamant that the housing association is the 'enemy' and unless they do magic a property he wont be happy, im more of an adapt and survive person, but who am i to tell someone who feels the way he does? i personally would crack on with adapting our current property and getting on with things but for him that just is not good enough so im fighting a losing battle - please dont get me wrong im not posting to slag him off in any way i have tried to be as understanding to him over the 15 years we have been together but i have to think about the environment for our children and creating a happy home not a perfect home

OP posts:
imnotreally · 18/08/2018 18:14

@marsbar11 you don't come across as trying to slag him off. You come across as someone in an incredibly difficult situation.

If you left him who would look after him? How would he cook, shower etc?

How would you provide for the children as you would no longer be a carer for him?

LARLARLAND · 18/08/2018 18:16

You are not slagging him off at all OP. In all honesty if you had the perfect house you would still probably have issues because he sounds depressed. My DP developed depression several years after his last amputation. It is an incredibly hard thing to come to terms with. Please make enquiries about him getting some form of help for his mental health. Saying that, it is very difficult to get help for a person who doesn’t recognise they have a problem or is too stubborn to admit it...

Original poster
marsbar11 · 18/08/2018 18:16

if he had access to the right facilities he could pretty much look after himself plus i would see him a lot with the children, i would be fully providing for the children as i always have done

OP posts:
Original poster
marsbar11 · 18/08/2018 18:17

larlarland i completely agree

OP posts:
LARLARLAND · 18/08/2018 18:18

Is there any prospect of a bungalow becoming available at any stage or do they simply not exist in your area? Could you move? Would you consider an alternative (flat, house with an extended downstairs)?

Original poster
marsbar11 · 18/08/2018 18:18

imnotreally it would be pretty fast to move him into a one bed bungalow but its like im saying we have to split up and btw you have to move out!

OP posts:
Original poster
marsbar11 · 18/08/2018 18:20

larlarland they are really like golddust where we are and we have to consider the children at school plus i dont think he would relocate, i would happily adapt what we have but as im being constantly reminded im not the one with no legs

OP posts:
LARLARLAND · 18/08/2018 18:22

Is he an above knee amputee? I am guessing he is if the prosthetics are not straightforward (if there is any such thing).

averythinline · 18/08/2018 18:24

Most adaptaions even on new builds will consist of a downstairs room I think a 3 bed bungalow is highly unlikely anywhere ...and even if did arrive may not be suitable ( I work with families who have members with disability)
a lot have narrow corridors and poor turning areas/accessibility...
I can see why he wants a single level life but you are more likely to get a 3 bed flat......and even those are rare ....
However this does not really answer where you are in your relationship
If you want to split up then I would suggest you are no longer his carer...whose is teh tenancy or is it joint as one of you would basically be made 'homeless' and then get housed for you where I am it would probably be a hostel or you maybe supported to private rent....somewhere often not in the area..
I would talk to social services about how they would be supporting him when you and the dc move out or are you going to make him 'homeless' ?
If he hasnt got a social worker then you can get a carers needs assessment and a family assessment.....its harsh but housing is an absolute nightmare with disability and a complete shame Sad

Original poster
marsbar11 · 18/08/2018 18:24

larlarland no he is below knee four inchs on both he is due to go in and have some of his shin bone removed on both, he has arthritis in both knees and his pelvis, previous prothetic attempts have been tried and failed, his surgeon has advised him against using them

OP posts:
Original poster
marsbar11 · 18/08/2018 18:26

averythinline he is refusing involvement from adult social services, he will only have involvement from his OT from the rehabilitation centre, i dont know how he expects things to happen when he wont help himself

OP posts:
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