Delicate situation

[PeapodBurgundy]

Not sure how to play this one at all, so I thought I'd ask here for want of somewhere else.

We've recently moved house (FINALLY got the keys about 3 weeks ago, moved in last week once it was fit-ish to live in). The people next door are lovely, and I think we're going to get along well. They also have children one of whom is slightly older than our son, so lots of potential for them to play together etc.

The issue I'm facing at the moment, is they have an older son (I think they said he's 7) who has low functioning ASD. He's a climber, escapes often. He ends up in our garden several times a day, which as a rule I don't mind in the slightest, (he and his younger sister have already been over a few times to play in the garden with our son when OH is at work and I'm out there to keep an eye that they're playing on the lawn where it's safe not on the patio where it isn't) but we're currently renovating the house, so there are often things which are unsafe in the back garden (think work horses which he's been found sitting on, circular saws, chisels etc). These are all put away between uses so our own son can play in the garden, but there are times where the tools etc are out in the garden and OH is in the house fitting whichever thing he's just made/cut etc. It's impractical to lock away the tools every time he comes back into the house as he's building a kitchen from scratch, so there are lots of ins and outs to make adjustments, it would make the job take months. We keep the gate shut, but he's coming in over the shed roof (one giant building split between both houses, I assume the old coal shed and outhouse so not something we can move). We have no problem with him being there when OH is out to keep an eye, and once the garden is set up properly with the toys etc once the renovations are done he's welcome to come and go as he pleases, it's not a territorial thing, I'm just petrified he's going to hurt himself, as he has no fear or sense of danger as far as I can see.
The first few times it happened I just took him back to his own garden, but when it kept happening, I started giving the back door a quick knock to let them know I'd brought him out of our garden because there are tools etc lying about. It hasn't stopped him coming over (he's non-verbal and I don't know him well enough to know how much of what I say to him he's able to understand). At the moment there are a load of MASSIVE wooden boards under a tarp for the kitchen, and some big items waiting for the council to collect to scrap piled up on the patio, with nowhere else to go, if they fell on him they could seriously hurt him. I've just tried to tie them to the wall of the house, but they're still not secure enough I'd be confident a child could play safely near them.
I feel I need to speak with his Mam about my concerns, but I don't want to offend or upset her. She has a lot on her plate (home alone most of the day with him and two others), I don't want it to come across as critical or judgey, or a 'get orf my laand' attitude, because that's not the case, but the comments about the garden not being safe at the moment don't seem to be registering. I need her to try something different to keep him out of the garden just in the short term as I can't be out there all of the time watching her son; we have baby number 2 due on Monday, so I'm up to my neck trying to get as much of the house sorted as I can before we're working around a toddler AND a newborn.

Any tips on how to handle things without causing a rift will be gratefully received (or if there's something obvious I haven't thought about regarding making the garden safe/secure that would be welcomed too). Sorry for the War and Peace effort!!

Lol my dd at that age had absolutely no problem getting in top of those sheds. If it's anything like the council houses round here she could practically chimney climb up them.

Ss got OT involved who put locks on windows and doors, extra high fences etc etc.

Jesus she needs to be told to up her supervision!! if he's low functioning he's likely to have no sense of danger and if he gets hurt he wouldn't be able to tell anyone.

I've got a low functioning asd 5 yr old and there isn't a second in a day were I don't know were he is! If I wasn't like that with him he would of been dead long ago I dread to think of the troubles he would of been in

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was just doing a Lara Croft style jump and grab job to be honest. He's a tall lad, I can't imagine it posing much of a problem to a fit and healthy person. These are all ex council (there may be the odd council one still, but this little square all seem to have too many differences like porches and extensions etc not to be either be owned or private rentals) so I imagine it's a similar construction to the ones near you. They all seem to be much of a muchness.

Whoever said anti climb paint to deter him,

You do realise we are talking about a low functioning autistic child don't you?

Op could have razored barb wire placed around and I can bet you he would still probably climb it, they don't see things how ordinary children do, they don't realise the dangers.

The mum needs telling OP, or he's going to come to some serious harm, im really surprised if he's on the more severe end of the spectrum that she doesn't already stalk his every move!

On our estate there was an empty house and nt kids used to jump and climb on the shed roof. One fell off and broke his arm.

This is a very vulnerable child. You need to ring social services. They need to be involved. If he is running around in the street eventually he will end up under a car.

As a mum of a similar sounding boy, to be honest I think the mum needs to up her supervision, awkward as it is op can you have a friendly chat?

I do think though that social services is a bit ott to begin with. By all means if after you've had a chat and nothing changes you could revisit that idea?

It's hard work parenting an autistic child, and you only have to turn your back for a split second and they are gone or trying to escape you need eyes in your arse etc but she might feel he's safe in the garden if her window over looks onto the garden? I don't know the circumstances tbh,

She might not see him climbing to begin with? but in saying that if he's regularly in your garden and she hasn't noticed he's gone then no sorry she's not supervising enough.

Hope you find a solution.

I have very low functioning son with ASD, I couldn't imagine him being left to roam anywhere I couldn't see him or even leaving him with anyone else to babysit him.

I'm assuming they know he's with you? It's just bizarre that they let him do it. I'd definitely have a word.

I just read the last posters post, Does he go out into the street near the cars etc?

I thought he was in the gardens only. Maybe I missed the bit about the cars?

If he's around cars / busy roads unsupervised then no that's really shocking. He's way too vulnerable for that.

If his mum was out there with him watching him then fair enough, but if not she's asking for trouble.

What happens when the parents don't notice he's missing and he's escaped into a road and is killed? It could happen 🤷🏻‍♀️. This is a major safeguarding issue.

A 6foot fence is not really "high" we had to go to 8 feet as our last athletic dog could jump the 6foot one

This situation is such a shame for all concerned, not least of all the vulnerable child especially when there is help out there.

I think you're being a bit silly about contacting the school. They won't breach confidentiality, it's absolutely nothing to do with the school and if they will even speak to you they'll only refer it to social services. Surely teachers are busy enough without speaking to their pupils neighbours

OP has seen him running around unsupervised on the green in front of their houses. He is likely to have no more road sense than a toddler.

I would write a note first, you can carefully word it so it’s polite and will be better for her to understand it, if English isn’t her first language.
You can also take a photo of it and send it to someone else so you have some proof of needed in the future.
Give it a week or however long and see what happens.

There are two horseshoes of houses on opposite sides of the road, each with a big green in the middle, then a few houses on the actual street on both sides of the road of either side of the green (feeling I've missed several diagram opportunities throughout this thread, but not tech savvy enough to know hoe to get one up if I drew one ). In a nutshell, the front garden's don't open directly into the street, but there's still clear access to the road. I won't let DS play (supervised) on the green yet, as I'm too fat to chase effectively at present, and although he's sensible crossing roads (for his age obviously, he's too young to be safe crossing the street or to comprehend the need for road safety), I wouldn't have thought he's got the capacity to apply that to the road when he's in play mode rather than 'walking somewhere with Mammy' mode, nor am I going to test that theory. It's not safe for any children to be out there IMO unless they're fully road safe and can be trusted not to cross over the road without permission.

Does your NDN say sorry when you take him home? How long is he staying with you each time?

You've lived there a week, how many times do you estimate he's been either on and over the shed or on the green outside? I can see how awkward it is as you've just moved in, but it sounds like the parents have got complacent as he's (so far) been unharmed. I hope your OH is able to get the message through but it does sound like the family need some extra support. It's not really the sort of thing you'd expect to have to tell them is dangerous.

He sounds like a good kid, but I'd be a bit worried about having a newborn baby (who you ought to be able to leave unsupervised for long enough for them to nap / you to shower etc) left around an older child who seems to have no boundaries or understanding of 'safe' behaviour.

If you can't leave your baby to nap peacefully in the garden / indoors without the concern that this boy may see them and want to play with the baby, with no real understanding of safe or age appropriate play, how to support them etc, then I'd put a stop to the unrestricted visits now.

Of course this would not be his fault but the failing of a parent who appears to be lax in his own safe guarding and a lack of boundaries set around other people and their homes. I'd put these in place now - it's easy to relax boundaries at a later date but bloody hard to tighten them!

You sound lovely OP. My youngest is very similar to your neighbours child but my little boy is never unsupervised for longer than a few minutes in our house and never in the garden or somewhere else. The mum is probably exhausted, I know I am, but she needs to supervise her child more.

She usually thanks me for returning him, and apologises for him being in the garden. Other than the twice they've been over by arrangement, he's here for the time it takes me to get DS distracted with something and get something on my feet as he's usually drenched the place playing with the garden tap.

I was here almost every day doing jobs in the time between us getting the keys, and myself and DS actually moving in. Every day I've been here, he's been in the garden 3-4 times. I've personally witnessed him out on the green twice, OH and DM have also seen him out there on separate occasions. It's happening lot.

My tolerance of other people's children dropped significantly when I had my son - you may find the same thing happens to you. I can't see you wanting to juggle a newborn while trying to return the (through no fault of his own) pain in the arse child from next door. You sound lovely but you're setting a precedent when what you need to be setting are strict boundaries

OP you have posted that you have a background that includes knowledge of Safeguarding procedures and that your DH continues to work in a related role.

May I ask why then you are using the language of referring to Social Care rather than raising a Safeguarding Concern?

This situation is absolutely a Safeguarding concern.

I am also very concerned by your suggestion that DH can look into the family a bit more before you do anything. Massive breach of GDPR.

If you both have the backgrounds that you claim to have, I can't understand why you won't do the right thing.

OH has just gone over to speak with them. He's got a spare chub lock from the shed which he's going to offer to fit to the back door and is going to try and sell it as 'so you can get 5 minutes to get bits done'. Our new door handle has been purchased, so once OH is back home, he'll be fitting that and we can lock the back door again. He's turning off the garden tap for the time being so that's one less temptation for him to come over to play in our garden.

At what point did I say OH way going to look into the family? I said I may ask him to strike up a conversation with them about schools. He has no access to any information about anyone other than the patients he works with in a private hospital. No breach of GDPR in asking if their kids go to the local school. I'm not denying there are some safeguarding issues, I'm just refusing to go straight in and refer them to SS without trying to solve the issue first.

I really feel it is not up to you to solve. You cannot solve this.

I agree with the pp, it is a massive safeguarding concern.

He is getting out all the time. They are not actively looking for him. This is serious.