Delicate situation

[PeapodBurgundy]

Not sure how to play this one at all, so I thought I'd ask here for want of somewhere else.

We've recently moved house (FINALLY got the keys about 3 weeks ago, moved in last week once it was fit-ish to live in). The people next door are lovely, and I think we're going to get along well. They also have children one of whom is slightly older than our son, so lots of potential for them to play together etc.

The issue I'm facing at the moment, is they have an older son (I think they said he's 7) who has low functioning ASD. He's a climber, escapes often. He ends up in our garden several times a day, which as a rule I don't mind in the slightest, (he and his younger sister have already been over a few times to play in the garden with our son when OH is at work and I'm out there to keep an eye that they're playing on the lawn where it's safe not on the patio where it isn't) but we're currently renovating the house, so there are often things which are unsafe in the back garden (think work horses which he's been found sitting on, circular saws, chisels etc). These are all put away between uses so our own son can play in the garden, but there are times where the tools etc are out in the garden and OH is in the house fitting whichever thing he's just made/cut etc. It's impractical to lock away the tools every time he comes back into the house as he's building a kitchen from scratch, so there are lots of ins and outs to make adjustments, it would make the job take months. We keep the gate shut, but he's coming in over the shed roof (one giant building split between both houses, I assume the old coal shed and outhouse so not something we can move). We have no problem with him being there when OH is out to keep an eye, and once the garden is set up properly with the toys etc once the renovations are done he's welcome to come and go as he pleases, it's not a territorial thing, I'm just petrified he's going to hurt himself, as he has no fear or sense of danger as far as I can see.
The first few times it happened I just took him back to his own garden, but when it kept happening, I started giving the back door a quick knock to let them know I'd brought him out of our garden because there are tools etc lying about. It hasn't stopped him coming over (he's non-verbal and I don't know him well enough to know how much of what I say to him he's able to understand). At the moment there are a load of MASSIVE wooden boards under a tarp for the kitchen, and some big items waiting for the council to collect to scrap piled up on the patio, with nowhere else to go, if they fell on him they could seriously hurt him. I've just tried to tie them to the wall of the house, but they're still not secure enough I'd be confident a child could play safely near them.
I feel I need to speak with his Mam about my concerns, but I don't want to offend or upset her. She has a lot on her plate (home alone most of the day with him and two others), I don't want it to come across as critical or judgey, or a 'get orf my laand' attitude, because that's not the case, but the comments about the garden not being safe at the moment don't seem to be registering. I need her to try something different to keep him out of the garden just in the short term as I can't be out there all of the time watching her son; we have baby number 2 due on Monday, so I'm up to my neck trying to get as much of the house sorted as I can before we're working around a toddler AND a newborn.

Any tips on how to handle things without causing a rift will be gratefully received (or if there's something obvious I haven't thought about regarding making the garden safe/secure that would be welcomed too). Sorry for the War and Peace effort!!

It will end up with ss tho op. Whether it's you reporting, school reporting, or a hospital reporting because he's severely injured. Ss doesn't mean child protection level automatically. She proabavly just needs TAC.

They had a kid with SN who needed extra care and attention; they then chose to have 2 more children. That was their choice; not yours. And it is not your job to guard her child from danger.

If she cannot cope then she's going to have to get help. If she won't do that willingly then sorry, but someone needs to step in.

I don't imagine she was forced to have 2 more kids. And as rubbish as it is, you might want a while bunch of kids but if their needs are very high then sometimes you need to make the sensible choice to stop having kids and concentrate on what you have.

Good luck to your OH this evening, and I hope a suitable conclusion is reached. If I may, i’d like to frame things differently. By setting a boundary, you aren’t being a bad guy, you’re helping a 7 year old who needs a grown up looking out for him. For whatever reason, his Mam isn’t protecting him, so you talking to her, and forcing her to put safeguards in place isn’t being horrible to her, it’s being there for the wee boy. Not necessarily your responsibility, but puts another slant on, and may enable you to talk to her about this frankly.
Our NDN have a pre teen with severe SEN, on a par with the lad you describe, and while I’ve seen her bolt a few times over the years (with dad not far behind) she’s never been found in our garden, or house. She’s well supervised, so it can be done. I hope you get a satisfactory response tonight.
Best of luck with the new baby!

@NaomiNagata you do realise autism isn't diagnosed at birth don't you?! By the time I'd got a clue anything was wrong with dd I already had ds. And she wasn't diagnosed until after I had dd2! That is such a horrid thing to say!

It's not that she isn't aware of what's happening, it's that sufficient enough attention isn't being paid to him to stop him from doing it. - why should she when you are there to sort it out OP? I think you are massively over-involved. This doesn't sound to me like a woman who can't cope, it sounds like one who can't give a toss - her son was running around outside in an incontinence pad. Was she even slightly bothered?! You seem to be developing all these convoluted ways to keep yourself and your DH involved.

Why not concentrate on your own family. Get your DH to tell them this is not acceptable because you are entitled to privacy and you can't look after their kids as you are looking after our own, all the stuff about power tools etc is secondary. You really are digging yourself in deep OP.

imnotreally because neighbours are so good at doing what's requested!!!

The neighbours probably will find it easier to keep ignoring that their child with low functioning ASD is putting himself in danger several times a day.
What is the OP supposed to do, just ignore it?
First they need to be told, then every time it happens, tell them again and again.
The OP can't just ignore the problem because the neighbour might be difficult to deal with.

It needs sorting out!

She has @HonkyWonkWoman. She's told her multiple times.

The neighbour just isn't taking it on board. The op can't force the neighbour to do anything. Any more than people with CF neighbours can.

@imnotreally

Her son's is very severe. She will have known about at least some of it before having the 3rd child.

When you have an idea that one of your children may have extra needs, you don't keep having more until you know the extent of it. Children are not a right, but they are a responsibility and no one should have multiple children whilst sitting thinking "there is something wrong here" about a child they already have. But we have a whole load of parents who cannot cope because they did just that. Might be horrible, but it's practical and ensures the children already born are properly cared for

Oh I don't know imnot; you say you can make neighours do stuff, but the OP's neighbour seems to be doing a pretty good job of making the OP safeguard her son!

If you get the chance, it could be worth asking if your neighbour has talked to social services about getting respite care or help in the house. Ideally she should ask for a full care assessment under section 17 of the Children Act 1989.

@NaomiNagata maybe her bc failed her. Maybe her oh raped her. We really aren't in a position to judge are we?!

By the sounds of it he is not only escaping into OP's garden but also out into the street (green was mentioned so I presume street is accessible too).
If he doesn't end up injured in OP's garden he's going to end up injured or dead under a car if neighbour can't keep him in check.
She may not be bothering much now as he's not straying far/always comes back but one day he might not.

@Elephant14 that's because op isn't a cf

Is there a language barrier here? Does the mother speak English and understand what you're telling her?

There's a limit to how much I'm willing to fish. I have a very low tolerance for people sticking their beak into my life, and get infuriated with unsolicited parenting advice. I don't want to put anyone else in that position. I just need to be able to get through the renovations without being on pins about the waste products being in the garden for anywhere up to a week (we don't drive and the council only pick up once per week in designated areas, so anything we put out there on a Saturday, is there until the following Friday, even if we book the collection straight away). Both sheds are filled with belongings which can't be stored elsewhere until we have the conservatory up. We can't move/store things in the house on account of our own toddler. I've tied it to the wall with rope between two drain pipes (although the rope is also strung over our patio doors now, so that will have to come down while OH is working as that's the only door in the back of the house), and the tools are only out of the shed unsupervised when OH is in the house installing the piece of wood/furniture he's just cut/assembled. The yard can't be made any safer short term as far as I can see it.

The solution needs to come from their side as far as I can see, we just need to get them on the same page without creating an argument if possible.

I bring my 7 year old in if they start annoying our neighbours while jumping on the trampoline and she’s neurotypical they should be watching him and not letting other people watch out for his safety , he could crack his head open on top of a hut or anything .

But by letting him wander into your property unchecked she is in fact soliciting parenting advice.

You asked what we thought. Most of us have said contact ss. You don't like that answer. Fine. But that is the answer you are being given.

I think I’d just say I’m a bit worried about Johnny climbing into our garden at the moment as we have power tools and toxic substances left out at times and I’m worried he will injure himself when I don’t see him quickly enough, it might be best if you can secure your garden from your side as I’d never forgive myself if he was injured ’ no parent can argue with that surely .

PolkerrisBeach They're not English, but both parents are fluent in English enough to use slag and colloquialisms, and have a local twag in their pronunciation of some words. English is unlikely to be their first language, but they're fluent enough that if it wasn't for their accent you'd never know that.

The mother clearly isn't coping is she?

I was involved with a case years ago where a child with ASD escaped from home and was found in a town miles away. The mother was "blamed" for his escape but the woman had been begging for help from SS for years. At school he was supervised on a 2;1 basis, At home it was just her. Its bloody difficult to supervise a non verbal hyperactive kid 24/7 and believe me it will be 24/7! I wonder when the last time she had any proper sleep was?

In your situation I would definitely report to SS. The boys safety comes first and at present his mother is obviously not capable of keeping him safe. You will be helping them both by reporting in fact it is probably the only way they will get the help they need. SS have a duty of care and they should come and do a thorough risk assessment.

At the very least the boys family home needs proper fencing. If its a council property the council should be responsible for this, if its privately rented it might be harder to get the landlord to sort it out they may have to approach charities which is a national disgrace.

Please don't do as other posters have said and put up barbed wire.

I haven't disregarded what anybody has said. I've simply said I will start at the bottom and work up to that as a last resort. I've conceded that I'm being too soft over the whole thing, and am drafting in OH who should be home in approximately an hour. I've also said that if things carry on after OH has had a word, I'll look into getting somebody else involved. I've found a telephone number for the local 5-19 growing healthy team which appear to take over from the HV team here alongside school nursing, so seem like a sensible first port of call to get some support for them without going all out at them.

I can see valid points in everyone's comments, and will act accordingly, I just want to tread gently as I would appreciate somebody else doing if they thought I wasn't coping with my little brood. I'd much sooner somebody tried to help me or get support for me than simply reported me as an unfit mother to SS.

OP SS are there to help.
You are not reporting them to the Police.
I never understand why SS are so feared?
They wont come and take the child away.

It costs them too much to do that

"I really don't feel it's lack of care, I think it's lack of coping"

I have a non verbal child who has on occasion escaped without anyone realising and been brought back. I was distraught when it happened, could not stop thinking about what could have happened to him and put measures in place to stop it happening again. Your NDN doesn't even stop her phone call when you return him.

You really cannot say if she is not coping or not caring, and it is not your place to decide this. It is not just your garden this child gets into is it, you found him out on the street too. I really think you are taking too much upon yourself here and you owe it to the child to let social services know. You seem to think social services = decision to remove child, when it is actually the access for help needed.

Serin, it's a private rental, but there's already a 6 foot fence up. There's literally only the gate an a wheelie bin width worth of fence there though, before the shed (which are along the alleyway/courtyard part between the two yard gates rather than there being a straight fence between the two gardens). That gate and bit of fence is attached between our house and the shed, then there are trees along the boundary line right up to the back fence. He's coming over the shed roof, but I have no idea how he's getting up (possibly coming out into the courtyard and climbing onto the bins; I moved ours to inside our yard but theirs is still out in the courtyard).