If being a SAHM is a job then do working mothers have two jobs?

[Banana8080]

....if no extra help eg cleaners etc

I need to find time for ME as they say. I had time for that when I was a SAHM and that is not to be knocked

This ^^

I have absolutely second guessed my choices when all the children were at junior school and above , but not the early years

The important thing is that you are happy...not ecstatic as that would be weird but happy in the choice you made

Friend of mine was a sahm..hated it, was a much happier person when she went back to work part time and then full time when the children were older

Everyone's different.....to state the bleedin' obvious

‘It’s ALL HARD no matter what situation you are in.’

This

Honestly it feels like a tiny number of weird posters are on a mission to try to ‘prove’ what is hardest. You can’t prove anything. There are way too many variables. Some children are more challenging to look after. Some children have SEND or medical needs. A lot depends on what sort of work you did pre children too. If you were in low paid menial work you’re in a very different situation when it comes to deciding to remain in work from a woman who’s earning enough to afford childcare and is in a more interesting and fulfilling role.

I consider myself very fortunate that I always kept my career going (albeit dropping to part time hours when my 3 children were tiny)

Yet you often hear on MN from women saying they are fortunate to be a SAHM - so it’s horses for courses isn’t it?

The point is - it’s not easy either way, and there are occasional days when everyone probably feels the grass is greener. I’m sure many SAHM just now and again feel that it would be wonderful to have a coffee at your desk in work without kids pestering you, or to have a salary landing in the bank account at the end of the month.

Just as I had occasional days when my kids were small when I’d really rather have slobbed in front of cartoons with them rather than get up and out to do a nursery drop before 8 am. And there were definitely days by the time we had 3 children that I lamented the fact that the equivalent of my income shot straight out of the joint bank account each month to pay the nursery!!

Surely the point is that within the bounds of choice available to us, we do what makes us fulfilled as human beings in life? And that while there are occasional days when the grass seems greener, in the long term you’re doing what works for you, your partner and your children?

But let’s not pretend being a parent is easy, however you do it. Yes it’s amazing, miraculous etc too, but it’s also challenging, tiring, relentless and takes you to the highs and the lows of every emotion possible!

Ive been a sahm with toddlers and young children and working mum with littleies as well. I have 4 and have a big age gap between my younger 2 and older 2..

Id much rather be a sahm to be honest. Far easier. I dont have another adult around to pick up the slack unfortunately

I don't look down at SAHM - their choice, their lifestyle and if they want that then great.

What i hate is the SAHMs who give you the look at school because you can not help out with x,y and z. Say in that slightly condescending tone - sorry you cant come for coffee, are you at work! Do you need to work?

What I hate about working mums, is their constant need to justify their choices and sneer at SAHMS.

I do not understand how SAHMs say they have no time for x,y and z and I do not see how working mums do not plan their kids activities in advance and work around them - I have sports day already booked in for 2019!

I am a single working mother of 2, one with medical issues. It was not in my case a lifestyle choice, it was a decision made for me by someone else. It is hard -work and home both have their issues!
Can I just say I love my tube journey - because for 20 mins - no one can text me, phone me,ask me something and I just zone out!

I am a SAHM. I’m pretty lazy and lead a relatively relaxed life with a toddler and a baby. If I went to work I would be pretty lazy still. Do what I have to and no more. Not let myself get emotionally invested in outcomes I’m order that I can work in a relaxed way. I know from experience you can get away with this in many jobs and I wouldn’t stick around long in one you couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I think I was productive at work but I wasn’t going to let it take over my life or kill me with stress. I only did what I felt emotionally up to doing and not an iota of work more.

My point being some people are the kind of people who work themselves to the bone and are stressed all the time and feel like their life is overwhelming. Other people are the kind of people who take life at a more relaxed pace. And whether they’re working for money or working for their household it’s the same. If they stay at home they find a million things to do that I’d never in a million years even think to do. They pile tasks on themselves and make themselves extremely busy. If they go to work outside the home they say yes to everything their boss asks them to, they’re perfectionists about their work and at home and they get really stressed trying to live up to those standards. If you give them more hours in the day they could fill them without even thinking about it, give them less and they try and keep doing everything they were doing before in the same timeframe.

Busyness is a function of who you are imo, not what you do.

Agree broadly Dieantword that a lot of it is down to personality type. But you are describing two ends of the spectrum. I suspect as with any spectrum, most people fall somewhere in the middle; ie being reasonably relaxed, not busting a gut over housework or getting to every baby group activity in the area, or jumping at every request the boss makes or grinding away in the office til late at night.

Most people tend to be comfortable with a happy balance

Yeah of course, but all I mean is that, the feel people seem to have that it’s audacious for people not in their position to claim busyness or that their life is harder - it’s really not a question of position but of the expectations and pressures you put on yourself. If you’re upset and resentful of other people then maybe look at your own self-expectations instead.

DieAntword. Completely agree. I'm a sahm and I will be honest I feel I'm taking the piss a bit now they are 3 and 5. I have loads of free time where I am physically present for them but doing my own thing like reading and vegging out. Now the youngest is going into school nursery I feel I ought to get a part time job. But I won't be stretching myself at home or at work to satisfy an ideal of motherhood or an employer. A life lived at a slow pace fits my personality type and family.

I’m a SAHM to a 2 and 4 year old. It was a lifestyle choice that my husband and I planned for. We are happy with the decision and the balance in our home.

Is it a job in the traditional sense? No. Is it my primary job and role? Yes.

There will never be a black and white answer to your question op. Everyone’s perception is their own reality and is formed on a multitude of factors.

If you leave for work in the morning and drop your kids at day care then the house is in the same state you left it in when you left

^ This

Yes! The breakfast dishes still need doing, beds changing and clothes washed whether you work or not!

What a silly thread OP.

The only working parents who are doing two jobs woukd be those who do all the childcare in the day of preschool children and then go and work in the evening / nighttime as, well. Which is reasonably rare as it would be so tough, I am studying whilst I have a baby and a 3 year old, and that's bad enough.

No working parents don't have two jobs as kids are looked after by someone else whilst they're working.

If you leave for work in the morning and drop your kids at day care then the house is in the same state you left it in when you left

True. But the 'state' can be a kip when you haven't had time to clean up after breakfast and you've turned the house upside down on the way out to find your toddlers wellies which he won't leave the house without. That will all be waiting for you when you arrive home after 6.00.

Having kids means more housework, even if you are all out of the house 8 hours a day.

I've experienced FT/ PT/ SAHM (with toddler & baby and now school children)

Yes, I was still a mum when I was at work but from 8:00 to 5:55 much of the drudge work was delegated/ outsourced out. I only had to think about and prepare and clean up one meal out of 3. The house didn't get untidy in those hours. Even with children at school, having more time means more options for activities generating more work such as laundry for sports kits and brownie uniform etc.

2 years after stopping work, I'm still dealing with a backlog of household/ DIY work that just got suspended and ignored because there wasn't time to deal with it before. It's quite nice not having to put up with holes in the wall now! Life does busy up with things that have their own value. I've ended up swapping being paid to teach other children to supporting my DCs' school and other voluntary activities all of some value to society. Life can be full and enriching without a job, although I have the benefit of more rest time and flexibility than I did when working.

Working FT was not simply being a full time hands on parent plus the job on top. Some of the added value parts of parenting that I can do were missing and other parts delegated out. Working PT could be the worst of both worlds, still the same expectations at work (possibly less efficient) but less sharing of the parenting load as there is more time.

As a SAHM, I'm not a chef, gardener PA etc like those nauseating memes claim, but a FT working parent is not doing a full time job on top of the full parenting load.

All we can do is the best for our family unit with the opportunities we have.

Doesn’t it just? I remember when I had 3 preschoolers I used to try to remember through the haze, what a tidy house looked like

That was in reply to LaurieMarlow

But dishes need doing and House needs tidying whether you have kids or not. That’s a housework thing. So do people with no kids have two jobs too. Their usual job then a house keeping job.

'As a SAHM, I'm not a chef, gardener PA etc like those nauseating memes claim'

I was just going to say this. I HATE these memes. I'm a SAHM, no more, no less. Having kids is work, there's none of us parents getting to put our feet up and drink tea all day although as a SAHM I do get to live life at a more leisurely pace than someone getting the baby up and out to nursery in time for work, which is a pretty big bonus. This is offset by being skint which I do not enjoy.

I’m a (now single) sahm to a 17 month old and 7 week old twins (fell pregnant on maternity leave and didn’t go back)

Where’s this ‘Me’ time sahp get? I haven’t had a minute to myself in nearly 2 years. I’ll be glad to go back to work so I can have a rest.

Exactly evil- as I said upthread there are so many variables that it’s impossible and pointless to try to make comparisons. Being a single parent to 3 under 18 months sounds like hell on Earth and I’m sure you don’t get a single moment to yourself. If you go back to work, unless you’re doing an extremely mentally challenging role which carries huge responsibility such as performing brain surgery, chances are you would be having an easier time.

There are myriad different circumstances and so much depends on whether your children are challenging, easy going, resilient, whether they have any additional needs.... quite apart from the work you do ... whether it’s physically demanding, menial, interesting, carrying a lot of responsibility... quite apart from whether you have a partner who shares the parenting and household stuff, one who doesn’t, or indeed no partner at all.

For goodness sake! Being a SAHM isn't a job but that doesn't mean it's not valuable.

These threads are always ridiculous as they don’t take into account any nuances.

Clearly, a SAHM to young children is more of a ‘job’ than when the children are at school. That’s why a lot of SAHMs look for at least part time work then, so SAHMing is only for a few years anyway.

Or, like my neighbour, they have husbands who work insanely long hours and travel a lot and a big family with a spread of ages, so they don’t go back to work but genuinely are busy doing more than their ‘fair’ share of parenting and domestic stuff.

On the other hand, some jobs in the workplace are obviously harder or more stressful than others, some have longer full time hours than others. Some jobs are part time.

These subtleties are always lost in SAHM v WOHM threads, and debate is always polarised around two notional extremes that rarely actually exist - the SAHM that has never worked and the WOHM who never does any parenting.

In reality, every situation is totally different. So judging someone else’s reality through one’s own perspective is never going to work. Hence why these threads always get so acrimonious

@momo27 haha I’m a theatre nurse so I won’t be performing brain surgery but it’s a possibility that I’ll be assisting 😆

I’d rather be doing that than breastfeeding 2 babies at the same time while a toddler that needs his nappy changed is trying to sit on my head 😂

I have 2 careers - 1 is a mother and the other is my paying job.